Hello Surf Reporters!
I almost began this update with an apology, for missing last week’s dispatch, but I’m not going to do it. It reminds me too much of the old zine days, when the phrase “I’m sorry this issue is so late…” was the biggest cliché in town. So, like Kurt used to say before his head came off: no apologies. I’ll try not to let it happen again, though. …Dammit!
Today I have a few more Nancy tidbits for you guys. There’s not enough information flowing out of North (or is it South?) Carolina to turn this into a dedicated Nancy Newsletter, so don’t be getting all excited. But I do have three new items to pass along already. I hope you enjoy it.
Over the past weekend Nancy and Nostrils bought a normal-person Christmas tree, and she and the translucent children began to decorate it. (Nossy was bedridden with the sniffles again.) Usually Nancy insists on a living tree, with a giant burlap-wrapped root ball, but they’re renting this year and didn’t think the “uptight” landlord would approve.
In case you haven’t been keeping up with this saga, they now own two houses, but because of a series of bad decisions they’re also forced to rent a house, in which to live. Toney and Nancy didn’t speak for three months because of this. Toney was so disgusted with their perpetual chaos machine, that she washed her hands of the whole deal and told Nancy not to call anymore. Heh.
Anyway, the translucents couldn’t just decorate the tree like regular Earth children. Oh no, they turned it into an “adventure story.” These are elaborate, drawn-out spectacles usually featuring sword and sorcery, and always directed by the oldest see-thru weirdo – the one who has so-called episodes and needs to “roll” his mother’s elbow skin in order to bring himself back under control.
So, they turned this year’s tree decorating into a big production, or pageant, or whatever. Unfortunately, the story resolved itself before the job was completed, and now the tree is only decorated on the top half. The translucents will not allow another ball to be hung, because the story is over. The dragon was slain, so nobody can string another strand of tinsel. I mean, this is common knowledge, right?
And speaking of the see-thrus, the elbow-roller is now part of a robotics club at his school, and is having a few problems. There is apparently a pecking order, even amongst the catastrophically nerdy, and the translucent has been banished to the lowly position of “builder.” He has to do the grunt work, and isn’t allowed to participate in any of the planning or engineering.
Of course this is a direct result of Nancy and Nostrils only allowing their kids thirty minutes (or is it an hour?) of “screen time,” per day. When they say “screen” they mean computer or TV. They now have a television, but it’s not hooked up to cable or satellite, they’re only limited to the same ten or twelve VHS tapes. (That’s right, VHS.) One of them, I remember, shows heavy machinery digging holes in the ground, for 45 minutes.
And that kid doesn’t take too kindly to being relegated to a lesser role. He wants to be the main “planner,” and I fully expect there to be a rash of unsolved house fires in their area.
Finally, on Sunday Nancy said she finds it “disturbing” and “weird” that Toney doesn’t know more people who are having affairs, or going through a divorce because of fidelity issues. She said it’s a standard situation amongst her colleagues, and doesn’t understand why it would be any different with Toney’s acquaintances.
Toney was incredulous: “weird??” But Nancy eventually arrived at the conclusion that this area must be full of religious fanatics, and various low-brow kooks. And do you see why my wife occasionally tells her sister not to call anymore?
And that’s all I have for you guys today. There’s a 50/50 chance the Eninen gang will be up here between Christmas and New Years. We’ll see how that goes.
Have a great Monday, my friends.
Elfin magic!
I keep thinking you wrote “EFFIN MAGIC” trying to be polite and not exactly use the “F” word.
I’ve found that when you’re busy with REAL life, you don’t have time to notice or hear or pay attention to GOSSIP about other people’s lives. I’m sure there’s lots of hanky-panky afoot. I just don’t need to hear about it. Over the years I’ve seen a number of marriages go in the shitter.
And as for ‘religious fanatics’ being immune to infidelity and whatnot – give me a fuckin’ break. Those are some of the biggest perverts around. And it’s all that repression that usually explodes all over the walls in a spectacular (and headline-grabbing) fashion.
I hope the gang visits this year, Jeff. I was sorely disappointed when they didn’t show last year.
I have an elbow roller made by Ronco, bought it back in the 70’s. Still works!
WOW – VIP #1?
Never mind, I’m not! Anyway, stories involving the translucents always have me on the edge of my seat because I almost anticipate you describing the horrific bloodbath and aftermath.
I’m sorry you may be experiencing some major angst between Christmas and New years, but I’d be a liar if i didn’t say I can’t WAIT for the stories !
You thought you were first and you were second…I thought it was the 13th, but it’s the 12th. Let’s just start drinking Madz, shall we?
Start? I’ve been hinking for drours.
Just kidding – but this day started out as total shit and it’s been going downhill ever since. I don’t think there’s a safe bottle of Chardonnay in the entire state of New York tonight.
I think it’s nice that the robotics club allows the skirt-wearing members to build.
How is it that I just received this email and there are comments from a full 22 hours ago? WTH??
Ummm….aparently I lost a day somewhere. I thought this was the 13th. Shit.
Did I mention that I saw a guy getting road-head while driving down a busy street in broad daylight in a Honda Civic-like car with no window tinting??
And I live in Texas where 99.9% of vehicles are significantly taller than a Honda Civic?
AND it was a Saturday afternoon when said Texas-sized vehicles are packed with children?
The chick giving the roadhead was probably some religious fanatic.
I think your clock is broke?
Maybe DeepInTheHeart needs to get his/her clock cleaned!
I’m a her. 🙂
Maybe the weekend trip to the casino (read: no sleep & too much secondhand smoke) is the reason for the loss of time? But on the bright side, my wallet is empty, my voice sounds like I ate a handful of gravel and even though I don’t smoke I’m pretty sure I could actually blow a smoke ring right now. Good times.
LOL! Did you get free drinks at least?
(And I think I knew you are a “HER” but my brain is fried from too much work and a traumatized, injured cat. Reaching into the recesses of any memory bank is just not an option right now!)
Hope the cat will be OK!
I think any 3-year-old would love a video of machines working. Wait, the transsies ARE pre-K, right? ‘Cause based on the stories…
Shit no – the oldest should be ready to drive in 2 more years. CLEAR THE ROADS!
I am really surprised they have a REAL tree. With all their ailments and issues, I figured having a live would cause all sorts of catastrophies.
Jeff you are having an affair with all of us. 32% of whom have forsaken the lord and savior jesus christ for the church of mumbles.
Have a Blessed Day.
Yours in Christ,
Madz
In “The Church of Mumbles”:
“Domino’s Knows Biscuits” instead of well – you know.
The Blessed Sunshine Covenant of Mumbles Church and Armpit Hair of Devineness.
Did anyone else get a malware warning for this page from their browser, or is Chrome just a bit mental over here?
I got the same warning from Norton and I use IE. It says it blocked an attack.
I’m on Mozilla, behind a corporate firewall, and they usually block the site or the parts of it they don’t like. That’s never happened for me for Jeff’s site, including today.
I’m at work & got one. Been getting it all day as I randomly check the site. The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming!
Hey Jeff, I’m so sorry that I look forward to their visits to you. My MIL has been banned from our place so now I don’t have my own source of kookery to keep me amused.
Also, my virus scanner says it stopped some viruses getting through from this page. All the others are okay, how’s it on your end?
I wonder how they afford the cost of three houses? That is a lot of money. I don’t see anything wrong with a having a tree you can plant.
I’m surprised they can justify owning even one house, given their politics.
My gut hurts from laughing. I need an aspirin.
Do they have any rental income from the two houses, or are they unoccupied?
Why do the oddballs always end up in robotics clubs?
Those are the guys the kids in cheese and chess clubs pick on.
Heh– in on of our high schools, the robotics team is the only winning team, so they get props from chagrined footballers.
Do cheese clubs have competitions?
Me too. IT is still trying to fix it.
That was supposed to be a reply to the people getting malware. It’s been that kind of day
I’ve run all my malware programs, and nothing was found, but the WVSR still looks funny. For me, the fonts on the right side of the page are much bigger than usual, and recent comments at the bottom of the page are greyed out, but the names aren’t. Wierd.
The page is rendering fine for me, and this time I didn’t get the warning. Seems like Google’s mental again.
This page is fine for me, but the main site is not. It’s telling me this: “Warning: Cannot modify header information – headers already sent by (output started at /home/thewvsr/public_html/index.php(1) : eval()’d code:37) in /home/thewvsr/public_html/wp-includes/pluggable.php on line 934”
Nevertheless, looking forward to further Tales of the Translucents.
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Sweet! A super secret Nancy report, how could my day go even better? Hmmm! Maybe the lottery?
I got a nasty ass virus from this site yesterday.
So did I! I use a Windows machine at work, and had to get tech to reset everything today. All was okay at home on my Mac.
Dang. Ass viruses are bad enough, but a nasty one on top of that? Dang.
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re your last point Jeff…. NANCY WANTS YOU!
Sweet dreams.