I hope all of you had a great holiday, if you’re in America, and a great weekend if you’re not. Ours was good, but it’s already back to reality for me… Stupid reality.
I have a small amount of Nancy News to pass along to you guys today. She reportedly believed she was experiencing an early onset of Alzheimer’s Disease, and actually went to a doctor about it – a real one, and not just some sweaty guy who “cures” diseases using dog hair and cilantro.
She’s been forgetting stuff, you see, and behaving strangely. Yeah, I know… what’s so strange about strangely, when it comes to Nancy? That’s exactly what I said when this story was being told to me.
But she made some popcorn for her translucent children, decided it wasn’t hot enough (WTF?), and put it into the oven, beneath the broiler. Then she got sidetracked by a plumber who was there fixing a granite-hard soy blockage or whatever, and the bowl of popcorn went up in flames.
I guess it was a fairly big fire, and the plumber put it out before the whole kitchen went-up. There’s only minor scorching of the walls, we’re told, but it was just seconds away from turning into something really ugly. And there are so many questions…
Like: Who requires additional heating of freshly-prepared microwave popcorn? That shit comes out o’ the radiation box scorching hot. I’ve almost been turned into a talentless Ray Charles by the steam rushing out of one of those sacks of fury.
Also: I’ve never heard of anyone putting popcorn in an oven. But, of course, Nancy and Nostrils have been known to heat up pizza in a skillet, so I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess.
And she’s been drifting off while driving, and scraping her car down walls and off mailboxes. I don’t mean she drifts off to sleep, but goes into a trance or something and stops moving the wheel. Good god!
Plus, some people stopped by their house unannounced recently, and Nancy flipped out and became convinced she should have snacks to offer them. So, she went into the kitchen and began frantically making homemade cookies from scratch. But it took so long the people were gone before the cookies were finished, and Nancy had spent the ENTIRE time in the kitchen.
Heh. I told Toney (after I stopped laughing, of course) that it sounded like her sister might have dived into the shallow end of the pool. But the doctor examined her, and believes it’s something called “adrenalin overload.” It’s almost like a panic attack, he said. She gets herself so worked-up, her adrenalin spikes and all sorts of bizarre things start happening.
Yeah, I don’t pretend to understand any of it…
Thanks for reading, folks. I hope you’re enjoying these Monday dispatches from the bunker. Think of them as the Surf Report, supersized. Today I’m going to try something new, and allow comments. So, here’s the secret page, for VIPs only. We’ll see how it goes, and reassess next week.
And since this is Cyber Monday, or somesuch crap, please remember to use our Amazon links while shopping. Here they are again: Amazon US and Amazon Canada.
I’ll see you at the site! -Jeff
The West Virginia Surf Report!
We sure Nancy isn’t just stoned a lot? 🙂
I reheat pizza in a skillet. Gets the crust nice and crisp. I don’t like what the microwave does to the crust.
I reheat it on the grill. It makes the crust like new and not soggy.
Even a small bit of news about Nancy just makes my day. I think she’s a lot like my mother in law and I can’t stop thinking about that whenever I see her. Sooooo insane.
Gordion Knott says
Reading early Monday morning emails is usually a chore. Today was an exception. Pure laff riot. The secret emails are a perfect outlet for this “secret” material.
Thank you Jeff! Tales of Nancy are always welcome.
Seanette is right, a skillet is the preferred way to reheat a single slice of pizza.
It sounds like the good doc was kindly telling Nancy (in a roundabout kind of way) that she’s hitting menopause. Hormone imbalances can do all KINDS of weird stuff to a gal.
Agreed! That’s the first thing I thought, too: MENOPAUSE.
What the hell is an “adrenalin spike?”
And can anyone here accurately conjure up an image of Nancy’s homemade cookies? I’m betting soy, dates and tree bark went into them. No wonder the visitors took off!
Oh yeah….Nancy is definitely in “the change”. This should make for some classic updates! YAY!
Love the Monday morning emails….keep ’em coming!
zoe whistle dick says
I never thought of using a skillet to reheat pizza, probably because I never reheat a single slice. I throw 2 or 4 into the oven, set it to 350, and by the time it’s done preheating, they are ready.
I love the secret updates, too, and now I can comment right here and say so.
I’d never thought of that method, Zoe. I’ll probably give it a try. Thanks for the tip!
Wisey in Ttown says
Monday dispatches rock!
Nurse Ratched says
Hmm….sounds like Dissociative Fugue with Paranoid Ideation
btw JK, have they hung the Christmas lights on the Army tank in town yet? It’s just so festive looking
Great update, thanks!
I had a friend who’s nutty mother thought that aliens were talking to her through her TV back in the 1990s. The aliens would say weird stuff to her like, “Meet us at Starbucks at 10 AM. When she got there, surprise: No Aliens! Turns out it was her neighbors WWII walkie-talkie size portable phone that was somehow bleeding it’s signal over into her TV.
Used-to-be-Wordnerd (Erika) says
First smile of the morning (and believe me, they are hard to come by on Mondays) came when I saw “Nancy” in the subject line.
Definitely pre-menopause, if not the full-blown version. Gonna be funny stuff coming to us.
Sadly, I agree with Nancy (first and only time that’ll happen) on the pizza warming.
Or maybe OCD? I’ve heard of heating pizza in a skillet because of the crust thing, but never tried it.
Sorry about reality, but thanks for making ours better with a Secret Monday Dispatch!
I don’t comment often but I do so love reading your classic tales. And nuthin satisfies like a Nancy tale! Love the Monday morning dispatches. Makes my week suck much less and for that I am ever in your debt.
‘adrenaline overload.’ Hmmm.
Yeah, I think Renn’s right.
WB in OH says
Best email I’ll get this week!
Swami Bologna says
Finally, a Nancy update. It’s been a long, long time. Hopefully there’ll be many more to come here at the super-secret version of the WVSR.
Uncle Buzz in Wheeling says
“Adrenaline overload”. Yesss! Now I finally have a *reason* as opposed to an excuse, for my occasional bizarre behavior!
From now on I will confess my affliction to wife, boss, co-workers & family members.
I will stop, frown mightily as if I have a fart caught sideways, and announce, “My bad. I must’ve had a sudden case of adrenaline overload”. Talk about a Get Out Of Jail card!
Excellent. Thanks a bunch, Nancy!
Steve in WV says
Lovin’ the e-mails. Keep ’em coming.
Scotty J in Funbar says
Yessir, keep the emails a-comin’!!!
I’ve been enjoying the Monday morning updates, glad to finally be able to say so. Does Nancy really need to be even more wierd? Looks like it is to be so….
Tipsey McChugney says
You don’t understand: Nancy is the sane one and we’re all crazy.
“Adrenalin Overload” sounds like a kinder, gentler way to say “Spastic Nerve Bag”. But everyone else here seems to think it’s menopause, so I’ll go with the flow. Or rather without the flow, as the case may be.
Mrs. L. Bangs says
I am SHOCKED that she would feed the Translucents Microwave Popcorn! Thought she would stuff a few kernels under each arm rather than expose them to the radiation!
Adrenalin Overload – snorting coffee over here!
Have leftover pizza to eat for lunch, will give the skillet method a shot!
Alice in WV says
Great way to start the week. Thanks, Jeff! I feel like a VIP.
‘Adrenaline overload’ would fit with frantic cookie-making, but not so much with the trance-like driving spells. She’s just overdosing her meds.
Big Bear in OH says
Love it! Perfect thing to brighten my day!
Can you please get a crime scene artist to draw your “relatives” I for one am frantic to see a likeness.
Yeah, I’m thinking Nancy is going to be saving some money on hemp menstral pads here pretty soon. I didn’t google it or anything but “adrenalin overload” sounds like a load of shit.
She’s bouncing her Prius off of shit? That’s crazy.
And a real doctor “not just some sweaty guy who “cures” diseases using dog hair and cilantro.” That’s fucking hillarious.
Mental-pause? Sounds a bit like Nancy might have made friends with a bottle of Xanax to me… Benzos do even stranger things to strange people.
Occasionally, because my memory sucks sometimes, I worry that I might be getting Alzheimer’s. But if she, with those symptoms, doesn’t have it, I guess I don’t.
How cool is this secret site?!
My comment is so secret, I’m leaving it on Tuesday. No one will ever know.
Thanks for the update, there.
Here in upper America, we didn’t get no stinkin’ holiday…wotta rip-off eh!
Is there such a thing as tofu popcorn? I shudder at the thought.
I enjoy the Monday emails, thank you Jeff.
Love the secret site, Jeff.
Wow! The only ‘adrenalized’ thing I’ve done that’s remotely as stupid is chucking my drive through Wendy’s order in the microwave to give it a heat jump. Forgot about the foil wrapper and sparks lit the paper bag on fire.
Love me some Nancy stories.
Sounds to me like anxiety/panic attacks. Everything described happened in times of “stress”. And when you panic, you have an adreneline overload.
I’m curious, what did she do upon discovering the fire?
It’s been said before but bears repeating; that broad needs some help.
So there’s my two cents.
It may amuse you to know that some physicians don’t believe adrenaline overload, or adrenal exhaustion, is a real illness. I agree with the marijuana theory… lol
Chewbacca Uncircumcised says
I sadly also suffer from this affliction from time to time. Mine has been diagnosed as CRS though.
Mmmm, reheated pizza…..*drools*