Most people at my job use an iPod or an mp3 player to help ward off the boredom, the deep, deep boredom. The company not only allows this, but encourages it. Many of the duties, especially on the production floor, are repetitive, and iPods help ease the pain.
I, of course, have my Nano all charged-up and loaded every day. I listen to music sometimes, but it’s mostly talk stuff. Like old time radio programs (Suspense, Gunsmoke, Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar), Phil Hendrie, Clive Bull, vintage Jean Shepherd, audiobooks (Seth Godin, mostly)…
I love music, of course, but it doesn’t really do it for me at work. I don’t know why.
When I first started working there a manager was trying to reach me on a walkie-talkie. I’d stepped away from my desk for a couple of minutes, and forgot to take the squawk box with me. I guess he was hollering my name into it repeatedly, and getting no answer.
Frustrated, he stormed over to my desk, and found me sitting there with my iPod plugged into my skull. And he flew off the handle, believing I hadn’t heard him because I was blasting Pantera or somesuch. He “asked” me not to listen to music anymore.
My heart sank. I love those old programs. As pathetic as it might seem, they’re often the highlight of my day. So, I told him I’d been in the shitter when he paged me (pisser, to be more precise), and my iPod wasn’t going anywhere.
This led to one of those awkward moments when both parties stare at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move. He finally broke, and said, “Answer me when I call!” and stormed away.
So, my iPod is VERY important to me. I resisted them for many years, but now own two, and cling to both like a life preserver. Especially the Nano I take to work. Sweet sainted mother of Bobby Buntrock!
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago… A woman who sits in a cubicle near my desk has broken protocol, and started bringing a freaking boombox to work with her. Everybody else is using mp3 players, and she’s playing stuff out in the open air.
It starts with the volume turned down, and not overly obnoxious. But it gets louder as the night drags on. I think she gooses it a bit, every hour or so. And I’m not joking, she has a CD that MUST be called “The Worst Songs of the Modern Era.” I haven’t seen the jewel box, but know the title anyway.
This thing features (I kid you not) “We Built This City,” by Starship, which is possibly the shittiest song in the history of our planet…
I worked at a grocery store in Greensboro (right after I left this joint) when that crap was inexplicably popular, and played over the loudspeaker roughly twenty times per shift. My entire body would go rigid whenever it came on again, and my sphincter would turn to stone. Nothing has changed during the ensuing twenty years…
Her collection of horrible music also includes an old Mr. Mister tune (something to do with wings), an anal acorn by Billy Joel called “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” and at least two songs by (are you ready?) Toto.
It’s almost unbelievable. It’s as if Satan made a mix-tape.
And it only gets worse, the longer it plays… Eventually that Whitney Houston song comes on. You know, the one Dolly Parton wrote, and sounds like a fire alarm going off? Every time it comes around again, I almost instinctively drop to the floor and start crawling toward the light.
After the wailing finally ends, “Believe” by Cher starts playing, and I actually get nostalgic for Mr. Mister. That’s the one where they run her voice through some kind of distortion program, and it sounds like the PA system at Home Depot. The annoying melody repeats in my head until I seriously contemplate catching the first flight to southern California, locating a forest fire, and walking straight into the flames.
I’ve “asked” the woman to turn down the volume on her Box of Terrible several times, and she always complies. But why should I have to do it every night? Every freaking night?
Anyway. I said I wasn’t going to write again until Monday, but didn’t want to leave an update about unspeakable tragedy flapping in the breeze (although you guys provided some amazing stories!).
So, let’s talk about something a little more enjoyable: bad music that was popular. What tunes should be included on Volume 2 of “The Worst Songs of the Modern Era?” Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you folks on Monday afternoon, or maybe Tuesday.
Have a great weekend!
Who is this TFM that you speak of? He’s an asshole, no doubt. Is this the man:
Aren’t you guys BBQing? I have a whole pork belly. Sounds gross, but as I understand it I have bacon that hasn’t been sliced yet. She’s going on the smoker in T minus 8 minutes. I’ll let yall know, but I can’t see myself fucking this up. A giant bacon? SCORE!
Jeff talked about soaking steaks in buttermilk a while back. I haven’t tried it. I’m scared. Anyone else tried it?
White Trash Barbie says
Jason? Are you going to soak the giant bacon in buttermilk?
White Trash Barbie says
DTO, what’s going on with Dave to You? It is showing me blogger maintenance status. Is it me? Is it you? Is it the whole internet? (Facebook has been all weird today too.)
Come on White Trashy! Don’t do me like that. Should I? Should I soak the giant bacon in buttermilk? I’m post to be on the grill by now. Now I’m in doubt.
Belly is on. NO BUTTERMILK! Come on and listen to the King then:
Not Oprah says
tfm, Honestly don’t care for any of the other blogs suggested from here.
ok so I’m waaaaaay late, been away for the weekend for what else…..football.
AWG, sorry but I had a hand in picking your Sr Prom theme, Stairway to Heaven. It has to be one of the worse.
2nd place…..Barbie Girl God I hate that “song” and I use the term loosly.
Happy to be back home!
WTB…I know…click it twice and it should work…thanks.
Jason…way to step into the pitch man!!
White Trash Barbie says
Oh, and most of the songs that have been mentioned are songs that I like. They’re not necessarily my faves, but songs I will usually sing along to when (alone) in the car. My husband kindly calls them guilty pleasures, but I know that I have pretty crap taste in music, and I am ok with that.
Jason – What does one serve with a giant piece of bacon? Will you fry an ostrich egg or something? Nothing on the grill at Barbie’s Dream Trailer today – it is raining here. Looks like homemade sliders on the George Foreman.
DTO – Still nothing. I’ll keep trying. The internet has not been my friend today.
Taiwan On says
There is soooo much misinformation out there about hangovers. Take it from an alca-ma-holic. Hangovers are caused by cheap booze. Stick with the good stuff and you’ll never be hung again.
Sorry Jason, I guess that doesn’t help your current predicament.
T. Farty McAppleass says
It’s the same people! Jeff and Metton!
WTB…it seems to be working other places. You’ve read it before anyway. Just an anniversary edition. I’ll work on it.
Wow Not Ophra…pretty brutal there. I don’t read ‘blobs’ for information, insight or wisdom. I know mine sucks but tiff and tammie too? And all the folks they like? Oh well…plenty of playgrounds I guess. Jeezum Crow…it’s just…well…bananna peppers up the ass stuff I guess. No offence Janson…you are funny!!
“Isn’t fun the best thing ever”?….Arthur Bach
Got the grill going for a T-Bone tonight (supirse from Bev).
Pig stomach = a huge success. Thank yall, love yall, I still don’t know who kilt JFK.
You girls wanna come by and talk about it, I’ll show you mine, you show me yours’.
Jason, I don’t know who killed JFK either so there wouldn’t be much to talk about. And as for the other thing…I have a hard time getting naked in front of strangers and therefore can’t show you my pig stomach. I’m flattered that you wanted to see it and hope you weren’t just trying to get a look at my extra teats — you know, for the freak factor and all.
Shiny Rod says
Jason – JFK was Irish not a Scot, why would he being wearing a Kilt?
I’m a big fan of teets, and you know it.
You’re a country music fan (secretly) aren’t you?
I don’t member what you said were the most worst songs ever. What are they? Tell us, please.
Gret in Cincinnati says
Worst songs is a softball, bro. All Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, and anything done by Menudo, in any of its hairy forms.
I could also insert all Phil Collins. I must say that once Clapton became unpugged, all of his prior quality music became Scheisse, it done turned suck, and has a burnt cat ass flavor whcih cannot be recovered.
I wish to end on a positive note. The Moody Blues still hit the spot. The Reds were beaten by CO, no surprise, but they had a great run!
Greg in Cincinnati.
Shiny Rod says
Let’s also throw Rick Dee in that steaming pile of crap songs.
Jason — none of the songs on my all-time-worst-ever list are Country (see above) but I do think Achy Breaky Heart is truly horrific. I was forced to listen to the Urban Cowboy soundtrack (on 8-track, no less!) when I was a young lass, and eventually it grew on me. Love the movie…secretly. I will listen to country, but prefer the classic, old-school variety a la Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette, George Jones, Conway Twitty, Charley Pride, Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, Dolly, Merle Haggard, Kenny Rogers…. Who have I forgotten here? Modern / alternative country isn’t bad, though. I own a fair number of Alison Krauss CDs, as well as some Cowboy Junkies, Brandi Carlile, and Shelby Lynne. I like Bluegrass as well, which is a surprise coming from someone raised in the suburbs of San Francisco.
I would like to amend the list of horrors previously posted to include anything by Sting.
Now Playing: Fatiguee d’attendre by Patricia Kaas
The Crash test dummies, Mmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmm, without question should top the list. Anything rap, after that, to round out the remaining list.
you’ve certainly touched on a subject I feel very strongly about. So here they are, the 3 songs I frequently tell friends and family are the absolute worst ever made.
Gary Wright – Dream Weaver…this is often met with WTF comments, but I’m sorry, this guy makes Air Supply look like street thugs. Unfortunately, this song still plagues us 35 years later on all classic rock/soft rock stations.
Smashmouth – All Star…In the late 90s I wanted this song to go away so bad. This band had a string of godawful “hits” that made me want to rip out the singer’s larynx. Finally, the band and song seem to have fallen off the planet the last 4-5 years or so.
Eve 6 – Inside Out…we can all be thankful that this pile of crap was only a short lived nightmare in the mid-90s, and then poof, the song and band were gone. A rare victory when it comes to avoiding crappy pop.
Shiny Rod says
Add Helen Reddy to the list, Delta Dawn makes me want to vomit and so does Looking Glass’s Brandy. Oh and Dexy’s Midnight Runners, Come on Eilene.
Tony Basil’s Mickey
Rick Dee’s Disco Duck
..am I too late to participate? Guess not, I just did
Don’t Worry. Be Happy.
there. I said it. I didn’t want to have to go there but it had to be done.
Convoy by CW McCall
that shit hit #1 on the top 100 chart AND spun off a movie. What could possibly be worse than that? When somebody writes a song that causes the listener to erupt in boils, Convoy will be beat.
DIO (sp?)..you know Unholly Diver and Rainbow in the Dark…both of them make me wanna scratch my eyes out and scream so loud my ears bleed.
In answer to Boy George, concerning his wonderful music, “do you really want to hurt me, do you really want to say goodbye?”
The answer to both is yes.
Third Eye Blind – Semi-charmed Life
Chumbawumba – Tubthumping
Trio – Da Da Da
@ JRP and buzzard:
I happen to see Warrant last summer (it was a two day festival featuring the likes of Disturbed, Drowning Pool, Mastodon, Anthrax, Motley Crue and Iron Maiden) and Jani Lane actually appologized for giving the world Cherrie Pie and said that playing the song everywhere he goes haunts him. Unfortunatly, they still played the damn song. The real kicker is that some of Warrant’s later work is actually pretty good (as is Uncle Tom’s Cabin from the CP album) They should just have the guts to drop le fromage from the setlist.
My vote goes to Loveshack or anything else from the B-52’s. Neither one of them can sing and that song drives me nuts. Hearing it sung as karaoke is painful.
Sweet Home Alabama annoys me and that Kid Rock butcher job was bad too (but I love Simple Man…especially the Deftones version.)
Brynhildr, was it me being political?
I was trying to answer someone’s question in an absurd manner, that’s all……
A day late and a dollar short here…
“Sailing”. “Sometimes when we touch”. Michael Bolton’s entire output.
Jason, I’m with RNK on the hangover cures. The first one is totally guaranteed: drink as much water as you can before you go to bed, and a little analgesic won’t hurt. I don’t know about twinkies and nipples, though it could be fun under the right circumstances. I know it’s too late for three days ago, but keep it in mind for next time.
Worst music I hear on the radio everyday, now that I live out in “smells like pigshit”-land, rural Ontario:
#1 with a bullet (between the eyes?) Bryan Adams
Other stuff I hate: Rush, Rick Astley, Poison-‘member that “Every dog has a bone” song? “Every car has a phone”, or was it just me losing my frickin’ mind…
Gino Vanelli, Celine Dion fer chrissake…
I hate the Canadian content regs, in small market towns, it’s non stop repetition of tedious crap, stuff that should have sunk beneath the waves 30 years ago.
18 till I die, so die, already!
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy – Kenny Chesney
Every time I hear it, I envision my former coworker fornicating with farm machinery, since that was her favorite song and likely her favorite activity. Not enough mental clorox to sear away the pain.
Jim Jordan says
Worst song: Stairway to Heaven also anything sang by Rush.
the worst songs are:
1.The Gummy Bear Song
2.Beer by Psychostick
3.Handlebars by Flobots
4.I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry
5.The Pot by Tool
those songs are horrible theyre very stupid especially handlebars and the pot is very dumb and boring these songs suck!!!!!
Sick to the stomach says
None of you have ever heard of Gary Usher have you.
Find this song and lose your lunch, while waxing your woodies.
“Gary Usher & The Usherettes (The Honeys) Three Surfer Boys”.
Eeyuk. Prize claimed, thank you. Bows.
anything by Wang Chung should count as worst song and worst video ever.