OK, perhaps I’m not qualified to comment on the “world’s” saddest places of business, but it made the headline sound better so I went with it. Feel free to file a lawsuit if you’d like. There are a handful of places that I only visit under protest, and to keep the peace with my wife. ‘Cause they make me feel sad for various reasons. I’ll share them with you now, and let you guys take it from there. Sound good? Let’s do it.
Party City I know it seems counter-intuitive, based on the name. But Party City is like a runaway elevator free-falling into the darkest depths of melancholia. There’s an air of desperation to the place, if you know what I mean. People go there thinking they can buy a memorable party, but they’re chasing shadows. Memorable parties just happen, organically. It can be in the woods, with a pony keg of Busch, or in somebody’s shabby wood-paneled basement. It has to do with the energy of the people in attendance, not the Chinese finger traps or square ice cubes in the drinks. Yeah, I know, they sell a lot of stuff for kids’ parties, too. But that doesn’t make it any better. Kids’ parties are almost literally hell on earth. It’s all shadows, my friends. Bullshit and shadows.
TJ Maxx/Marshall’s Is there anything sadder than a giant room full of clothes that people with good taste rejected the first time ’round? Of course there are, but you get my point. I used to go to those places when I needed new work shirts, or whatever, believing it was a direct route to happiness. But I quickly learned the good stuff there is way too expensive (more expensive than regular stores?), and the cheap stuff is breathtakingly hideous. Not to mention “urban.” Below is a picture of me, taken several years ago, holding up a pair of shorts I found at one of those joints. I can’t remember the size, and I’m not even sure it’s shorts. It might be underwear. In any case, it’s emblazoned with characters from the old Fat Albert cartoon. For that particular item you could get a very good deal.
Any drug store Toney doesn’t understand my feelings on this one, but I find drug stores to be super-depressing. For one thing, the prices are outrageous, so there’s not a chance I’ll ever actually make a purchase there. I mean, seriously. Whatever it is, it’s much cheaper at Target or Wal-Mart. Plus, it feels like everything is moving at half-speed in a drug store. When you walk into one, the tempo of the world is instantly ratcheted down by about fifty percent. It’s maddening for a man with my particular neuroses and mental illnesses. “Dear God in heaven, will you people PLEASE up the beats-per-minute?! It’s like you’re under water!! I’m about to crawl out of my freaking skin!” I was bitching about drug stores on Twitter a few weeks ago, and somebody said Henry Rollins feels the same way. I had no idea what this person was on about, but subsequently found this video. He pretty much nails it, although I yearn for it to be a bit funnier. Oh well.
So, those are the three that jump immediately to my mind. I know Wal-Mart is a common answer to this question, but I don’t know… It doesn’t fall into the same category for me. At least there’s some life inside a Wal-Mart. Sure, it’s 65% trashiness, but it’s not sloooooow and sad and soul-sucking. Ya know? There’s always the buzzcut hicklets to complain about, and the big mamas wearing Flashdance shirts screaming down the aisles in their terrifying cigarette and whiskey rattles. That beats TJ Maxx any day.
Now, for a few things I’ve recently enjoyed or are currently enjoying…
The Americans I watched the first three seasons on Amazon Prime, in roughly two weeks. One night I watched five episodes in one sitting. My ass was on the verge of becoming one with the fabric of our living room chair. Now I’ve switched over to Comcast On Demand, and watching the current season. I’m up to date on it, watching it week-to-week at this point. Terrific show! Love it.
The Tower Records documentary Steve gave me a copy of this movie, and I enjoyed it a great deal. It was made by Tom Hanks’ son, Colin, and is full of great stories and tons of interesting information I didn’t previously know. I spent roughly a million, possibly six million, hours inside various record stores during my life, including several Tower locations. So, I certainly have a soft spot for that kind of thing, and this film captures the excitement of it all. Also, there’s a segment near the end that almost brought me tears, if you can dig it. I was certain I was dead inside, but I guess the degradation isn’t complete yet.
The Replacements book If you’re a fan of the band, or even just the general 1980s underground music scene, I can’t recommend this book highly enough. The author spent six or seven years working on it, and had the cooperation of two of the most uncooperative mofos in all of rock: Tommy Stinson and Paul Westerberg, the two main Replacements. It’s lengthy, over 500 pages, and highly entertaining. I say read it!
I have some other stuff, but I’m all out of time. I’ll just let you guys take it from here. Use the comments section to tell us about the places of business that depress you, and the stuff you’re actually enjoying.
And I’ll see you again on Thursday.
Have a great day!
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Currently enjoying Digging Up Mother A Love Story by Doug Stanhope. Excellent book.
I’ll have to check that out, thanks… I’m a big fan of him,as a comedian
I’ve been a fan of the Americans from the beginning. Great show.
Jeff, if you want to time travel back to 1987, go to the local KMart. I don’t think it’s been remodeled since the mid 80s.
Kmart is a special place.
I always heard K-Mart was my savings place. Either way, they tore town the one that was five minutes from my house; now it’s a Lowe’s. We’ll see how that works out.
The other day I was looking for clothes hangers at the Dollar Store. The clerk told me they only carry them when school starts – or something like that. She suggested I walk up to the CVS. I told her I was not a millionaire. The one that recently opened up in downtown Morgantown does big business though. I think that may have something to do with all the booze they sell to college kids. So much for being a health conscious place. I noticed the WV online library recently got that Replacments book. I will probably read it at some point.
Any store with the word Dollar in it’s name triggers the sad/desperate emotion in me.
I use to joke that one week you would see people hanging out in front of the store. And the next week they would be working inside the store.
You are correct that the easiest common denominator of sad places is Wal Mart. I do find two zones within to be particularly sad and that is the waiting area of the pharmacy and the long line at merchandise returns.
Wal Mart does not bother me. I don’t go to Target – too expensive. We had a KMart. It closed. I wish it was still here. There were several things they carried that I rather liked.
I am currently enjoying licking and sucking
I totally get what you’re saying about Party City…it seems that making things “fun” for others sucks the life right out of its employees.
ANY craft/hobby/sewing store. They are where souls go to die! They’re always quiet too, just like a library or a funeral home…Geez, I’m breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it!
Also, the last time I was in a Sears store–it seemed like walking into a time machine stuck in 1974, or something.
Yes, craft/hobby stores. They all smell the same, and that particular smell makes my dick shrink faster than the first ocean swim of the year.
I was in Sears a while back and it looked sort of abandoned. There were displays knocked over and clothing on the floor.
Kmart is horrific.
Sometimes I go in there to see what the 70s and 80s were like.
Bare and cracked concrete floors. Stale popcorn in the food kiosk. Somber and pale employees. Once teenage girl working the register smacking her gum and playing with her hair. It feels like the set of a B movie every time I go in there.
There a great big brown stain in the middle of with of the clothing aisles. What the hell is that?
The only reason this town has a Kmart is because there is a Super Walmart and an Apex Target (or whatever it’s called). Kmart incorporated is just letting this store cling on to life with a shoestring budget and small kitchen appliances since before Keurig and Soda Stream.
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Video rental stores. When I go back home to podunk Louisiana there is still a video rental store. It’s in the same building as the only eatery in town. THEY STILL RENT VHS!!! I didn’t even know that was still a thing companies manufactured. Last time I was there the first Avengers movie just came out. When we asked to rent it, we were asked back “VHS or DVD?” I didn’t know what to do. I just walked over to the café and ate fried pickles while I tried to figure out when exactly my airplane was struck by lightning and transported me back to 1999. Did they have to special order it on VHS? Did somebody just make a Camcorder copy of it off the DVD? Fuck if I know. They actually have as many VHS items as then do DVD. I’m not sure if they’ve moved into the Blu-Ray world or if they still think that’s a Commie plot to get Hillary elected.
All the display racks are wood and look like they were made by the local high school shop class. There’s a door off to one side that says “Employees Only”, but I know that’s where they keep the porno. (In VHS! God it’s so grainy.) They probably have to take down the driver’s license number of anybody renting Debbie Does Dallas (The latest in fine adult entertainment?).
There’s even a nickel candy machine by the door for the kiddies. I swear there weren’t any blue M&Ms in it and there were still tan candies to be found.
K-Mart is the saddest store! The parking lots are always barren, and the staff never seems to care. I do not know how the majority of K-Marts stay open, since they never seem to have customers. On the plus side, though, the lack of caring extends to camping in the parking lot; I lived with a convoy of 3 school busses and 2 cars for a while, and while most stores would kick us out of the parking lot before the end of the first night we always had success staying in K-mart lots. We stayed in one lot for a whole week, our convoy composing nearly half the vehicles in the lot at any given moment, and had no problems.
I just finished reading “Off the Map”. I also read “Strange Lands And Friendly People” by William O. Douglas.
Off the Map is a summary of adventurers and explorers from 1200’s or so until modern day. It gives a 4-8 page synopsis of their journeys and what happened to them. It’s a nice primer on many different explorers and a good lead on other places to find their original manuscripts.
Strange Lands is a memoir of when Supreme Court Justice Douglas trekked across Asia Minor in the 50s or 60s. People don’t go on these great journeys and write books anymore. It’s all in blogs and tweets about the places they’ve been. These kinds of books were written when people had nothing to do but wax poetic about the cultures and characters they encountered. I like reading that stuff.
The wife (and probably most women) loves TJ Maxx/Marshalls, and here’s why: 95% of the place is women’s clothes (not counting housewares). And most clothing stores are the same; I spend 30 seconds and decide it sucks, while she needs at least an hour to go through all the stuff that comes in every week. It’s why I took-up cigar smoking.
I echo everyone’s sentiments about K Mart and Sears. If I need a good crying jag, I’ll stop in to get my emotions in check.
We have one of the most pathetic Key Foods in America. I swear, I can hear the produce weeping. And how do you console an artichoke? Especially one that’s been bruised and abused and forced to live alone in a crisper listening to the celery bellow and bawl?
All DSW’s should be fire bombed and put out of their misery. Those pleather shoes would make a nice color as they burn and combust.
I was enjoying Vinyl on HBO but I’ve missed a few episodes and don’t have time to catch up.
And it’s been nice having our Admin sneak in his brand new 8 week old shepherd puppy. Damn little girl (Layla) is adorable.
I don’t go into stores for the most part. I have a wife for that. The last time I was at Walmart with her I got kicked out for throwing dodge balls at her from the next aisle over (over the top of the aisle)… yes. I’m a schmuck.
I guess the saddest store I’ve ever been in was Show World Center… a pornography store by Times Square. I think its still a valid smutshop.
I’m enjoying The I Don’t Cares’ album. It’s Paul Westerberg and Juliana Hatfield. And it is amazing.
I mostly stay out of the Big Boxen. Mostly it’s the Cost Ho for clothing (of the non-Fat Albert variety) and certain foodstuffs, as well as any interesting-looking books in the pile. That’s where I got my copy of The Martian. I get paper products there too.
And I’m sorry for being a lemming, but Wal*Mart is just wicked fucking sad. Although now that I think of it, K-Mart (the one that was torn down) sold me a $10 belt that turned out to be made of Chinese newspapers, and fell apart in about a week.
I don’t get the same vibes from the stores you mention down here near the ‘Burg. Most of them here are fairly new and well-maintained. “Ross” stores on the other hand DO give me that soul-sucking feeling. I don’t quite understand why, but Marshall’s is pretty upbeat, busy, and tidy, while the Ross just a few yards away is nearly bare, a complete mess, and attracts an entirely different clientele. Even still, Ross can’t hold a candle to the drear that is Sears and KMart. I am suspicious about how they manage to stay in business, much like the regional pizza franchises, Chinese food restaurants, and Asian Massage/Nail Salons that set up shop in isolated patch towns yet still manage to survive for years with nary a customer…
Not sure about the massage/nail places (I have my suspicions), but Sears Holding Corp (SHLD), owner of Sears and Kmart was trading at 82 bucks a share in March of 2012 and 15 bucks a share in March of this year. They’re about one step from backing off a cliff. A sad end to a storied brand (Sears and Roebuck, not Kmart).
jtb
I always wondered about Sears timing. They started out a catalogue store and by my time, every kid looked forward to it at Christmas. Remember starting the catalogue from the back cover? 20 so yrs ago they stopped the catalogue when catalogues hit it big. Signals, Wireless, LLBean, I would get 40 pounds of them daily in the mail. Poor Sears never jumped back on the band wagon. My Grandad called it Sears and Sawbuck.
Yes! The toys were in the back of their “Wish Book!” They pretty much invented the mail-order catalog industry, but never changed with the times. It still took 4-6 weeks to get anything. They are like a relic from another time, but I’ll still go there to get Craftsman tools every great once in a while.
I have never been in a Ross store that was fully stocked or clean. They put a brand new one in Lexington, it had the same horrid appearance.
Regionally (VA/MD/PA): Ollie’s Bargain Outlet. Sadness on sale at every turn and deeply discounted on the endcaps.
Ollie’s is a soul killer. 49 cent greeting cards with nothing written inside and when there is it reads like it was written by the characters of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. I do get a laugh at the truckloads of failed food flavors that show up stacked to the ceiling. The Hamburger Helper BOLD Avocado and Asparagus Stroganoff never had a chance.
Saddest place in the world has to be any Greyhound Bus. They all smell of desperation and feet. Next up would be an overseas tour led by the local weather man. One day in Paris and three days at Normandy? Why?
I enjoyed The Man in the High Castle and I hope there is a season two. Bosch is also good on Amazon Prime. The Americans is a terrific show.
Omaha?
Our local Kmarts (we have 2 in a town of 100k) have to be fronts for a money laundering operation. It defies logic how a store could remain in business when the employees outnumber the customers, for year after year.
Not trying to pick on the disadvantaged folks who need to shop here, but have you ever gone in a Goodwill store, or Salvation Army store? As you say about TJ Maxx – is there anything sadder than a giant room full of clothes that people with good taste rejected the first time ’round?
Yes there is – a giant room full of clothes that people with BAD taste rejected and then couldn’t find anyone else to give them to.
You can just feel the heaviness when you walk in the place.
How’s Andy doing?
What’s the current status of the Kay household salt reserve?
Hallmark stores are a long way from my favorite. Yeah, no no no no no old ladies no no. No. No.
I have been watching and enjoying The Night Manager. I have also been watching The Last Panthers.