Ridiculous adventures in suburbia
I went to lunch at Taco Bell today, and the dude at the counter just stood there, all droopy and vacant. He didn’t say, “May I take your order?” “Go!” or anything of the sort. It appeared his face muscles had atrophied, and he was unable to power an expression.
Clearly, he was waiting for me to order, but I decided in the blink of a lazy eye that I needed a greeting first. So, I just stood there too. It was a Mexican standoff, in a house of Mexican knockoffs. And I wasn’t budging, goddammit.
Finally he mumbled, “Help you?” (victory!) and I ordered three of the $1 Grillers, and a medium drink. It cost $4.24. It’s a lot of food, and a hell of a deal. Those Grillers are the way to go. Have you had those babies? I fully endorse them.
But, there was a bottleneck at the counter, and about five people were waiting on their food. Grrr… One guy was standing there for at least ten minutes, until a woman screamed, “One soft taco?!” The dude snatched the bag from her hand, and left. He waited all that time for a single taco? Wow.
I finally got my order, and chose one of the booths that don’t squeeze my gut too badly. Many of the seats there are apparently made for Japanese children, or something, and the edge of the table eats into my liver. But I’m a veteran, and know where to find the widest clearance.
A youngish couple sat down beside me, and I noticed immediately that the woman had some sort of Hanna-Barbera cartoon voice. I ate my Grillers, and contemplated whether or not I would be able to stay in a relationship with a voice like that. Every time she opened her mouth, it would go straight through my brain stem. She could be the sweetest person in the world, but I’d only be able to think of her as The Voice.
As I was finishing up, a large group of teenagers arrived, and I braced for obnoxiousness and noise. But every one of them was well-behaved, and clean-cut. Baptists! It only takes a few seconds to identify them. There’s a Baptist Bible College nearby, and I encounter these curious groups of nice and courteous teens quite regularly. It’s disconcerting, if you want to know the truth. But I was glad for the continued peace in there. Well, peace, except for Penelope Pitstop, of course.
What the hell is growing on this guy’s head?!
After I left Taco Bell, I went to the library, to write this update. And seated 15 feet from me was some guy with a giant growth on the side of his head. I snapped a photo, of course.
What do you think that thing is? And does he shave it? It might have been my imagination, but I thought I could see his heart beating; the growth seemed to be expanding and contracting. I couldn’t look away. It was mesmerizing, not unlike John-Boy’s mole.
Some quality links discovered this week
My brother sent me this one, about some wacked-out dude who keeps getting arrested for having sex with pool toys.
At first I thought, “So what?” They sell inflatable women (with Greek features), don’t they? Then I read the article, and I guess he did it in front of a bunch of kids at a public pool? Yeah, that might’ve been a bridge too far…
I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but never mounted an inflatable. Aren’t the seams kinda jagged? My mind throws up a lot of red flags, as I contemplate a “session” with a floatie, or whatever. A guy could shear his wiener clean off.
Here’s a description, and artist’s rendering (no photos allowed!), of what’s inside Prince’s fridge. Yeah, it’s as freaky-deaky as one might imagine. Yak milk?! Five pounds of Dunk-a-roos? What the shit?
Our old friend Buck alerted me to this Russian tampon commercial. If you haven’t seen it, be sure to check it out. American tampon ads are so tame, compared to the Russkies. Sure, they might be a little behind us on technology, and it’s true we won the space race. But they’re clearly leading the way on tampon advertising.
Finally, Surf Reporter Melissa told me about a guy who is soliciting donations to help start mass production of his invention, Tiny Diapers for the Tip of Your Penis. Here’s his pitch video. I think he might be on to something! He’s solving a very real problem: male spotting. Heh.
What’s going on in today’s bunker pic??
We had some interesting things going on in the bunker this week, like this, and this. But Friday’s activities were the most intriguing, I think. Please help me understand what’s happening in that shot. It’s clickable, in case you need to see a larger version.
I also posted it at the Surf Report Facebook page, and there are already a lot of comments. Check it out. If you haven’t LIKED the so-called fan page, please do so. I post a lot of ridiculous crap there, and wouldn’t want you to miss out.
This will get better with time
Thanks for joining me for another interesting week at the West Virginia Surf Report. I have almost two full pages of notes, on the stuff I’d like to include in these Friday wrap-ups. So, give me a little time to implement them, and I think this will turn out to be a lot of fun. If you have any suggestions for links, or whatever, please feel free to send them to jeff at thewvsr.com.
Thanks guys! I have the whole weekend off, then need to work eleven days in a row. Therefore, I’m going to indulge in a little o’ the item to the right.
See you on Monday!
Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
Onest
Loving the layout & design of the update, Jeff! Great job!
Not to be a jerk, but it obviously looks like that guy with the second head growing on his own head does shave it.
😉
I thought he was growing a second penis. That location was chosen to take advantage of the blood flow in the scalp.
I think if I was growing a second head I would wear a hat.
would you wear a tiny hat on the second head?
Yes, I would have the guy making the penis diapers custom tailor a little hipster hat.
He should get an eye tattooed on that growth.
I was thinking similar. Paint it red and tattoo a stem on it, a big juicy Bing Cherry.
Earlier this evening I was at a local “public house”, where a couple of brewery reps were showing the flag. The guy from New Belgium bought a round for the house, which we all appreciated. They guy from Magic Hat was handing out swag. One of the swag items was “Magic Hat” branded condoms, complete with an appropriate logo. What fun!
.
I think Growth Man is sporting a wen on the side of his head.
I always thought a wen grew off the forehead.
I always thought Wen was a brand of cheap-ass power tools.
.
I thought it was a brand of hair “care” stuff that doesn’t get your hair clean.
And regarding the Tiny Diapers, it’s a good idea but I’m surprised the guy didn’t seek funding through Dickstarter.
.
There’s a Christian High School near where I live, and I’ve found the students from there to be unbelievably loud and obnoxious. I’m constantly encountering them in groups at area businesses, spouting bible verse and crowing about their promise rings and something they refer to as “true believer’s privilege.” They don’t misbehave in the traditional way, but I’d still like to smack every one of them.
On the weenie diapers: SNL did a sketch about ” peenie pads” several seasons ago. I guessy point is that it isn’t a particularly original idea
I understand you can see Russia from Guessy Point.
jtb
Maybe you’re thinking of Mute Point.
.
I understand it’s very quiet there.
jtb
my former boss had one of those things growing on top his head
we refered to it as his auxillery brain,behind his back
it was useful, could gage his mood from it
most of the time it just sat there, on top his bald head
it would swell when he was irritated
when he was furious it would throb with every heartbeat
he had it removed, then we were screwed at mood guessing
You were lucky Ron. You worked for the “man with two brains.” I worked for the “man with two assholes.”
That’s called the Dude Lobe.
Women have an extra lobe, too, called the Shopping Lobe. The Dude Lobe gives a dude extra room to think about dude stuff: huntin’, fishin’, NASCARin’, drinkin’, grillin’, chasin’ (skirts).
The Dude Lobe is well-documented and has been celebrated in song, movie and paperback for just an awful long time. Can’t believe you’ns are just finding out about it.
@Jeff Kay, would that be Bible Baptist College in Clark Summit, PA? That’s where my daughter from Nome, Alaska goes! Yeah, they seem like pretty good kids!
…Oh, and speaking of growths, I swear I told Steve Perry, “Ya might wanna have that looked at.”
I don’t mean to judge, but the US lost the space race (Soviets were first into space) but won the moon shot.
True dat. The US got the first man on the moon, but the Soviets got all other firsts in the space race. Here’s the sad part: even at this late date, the Apollo astronauts are still the only humans ever to have gone beyond low earth orbit.
.
Chill…
Well, it’s partly a matter of definition, but to say the US lost the space race just doesn’t capture the reality of what happened. Soviet failures were generally covered up, including the deaths of some important people. The key failure was the N1 booster, the only rocket the Soviets designed to go beyond low Earth orbit. The Soviets launched N1 four times, and, we now know that on each occasion the rocket blew up.
Because they COULDN’T get to the moon (and back with cosmonauts), they FOCUSED on low Earth orbit stuff and did quite well at it. But my man JFK had established guidelines for the race that the world generally agreed upon: To the Moon and back with people who returned alive.
Honestly, I don’t think ANYBODY won or lost the space race, but the US did what they said they were going to do, with previously announced missions that were covered by a free press, and accomplished those missions in the time they said they would. To fail to celebrate how incredibly difficult and complex that was, diminishes the contributions of hundreds of thousands of focused people.
We ALL became losers when we stopped trying to go farther.
jtb
I understand that there are currently several dead cosmonauts floating around in low earth orbit too, most of whom were lost during “space walks”. “Yo, Vladmir, after you take that last shot of Vodka, hook me up please”. Oopsie!! Yep, and they were also covered-up Cold War space efforts that failed miserably. Bad thing is, we have to keep an eye out for these fellows floating around because they are moving at around 17,000 mph and would go right through the space station if they collided.
their orbit would have decayed by now and they are now space dust.
The N1 rocket was cool but insanely complicated 30 engines! One of the crashes was one of the largest non-nuclear explosions ever.
That guy obviously has one of those scary-ass scarab beetles from The Mummy movie lodged in his skull. He’s lucky, those things kill most people.
I’m not one to pick on or point out others physical malformities. Psychological ones are fair game however. This fellow is by no means shy of his noggin nodule. At first I thought it could be a new ‘google’ device much like the “google glass”. This thing might be an implant that sends everything directly to your brain and there is no longer any need for any device what so ever to have complete access to the internet. No keyboards, laptops, notebooks, smart phones…nothing. Think it, want to know it, pay a bill, find an old friend?….done! It’s called “Google Dome” and will eventually someday be no larger than the size of small sebacesous cyst. Then I realized…nah…that guy looks like a total asshole and it would be all I could do to not go over there and stick my Buck knife in that disgusting thing to drain that hideous growth.
Is that a monkey on Pat Sajaks newspaper at the 50s nudist RV park? Old National Geographic animal positions? Bottom line, did the neighbs’ find Timmy and Lassie?