I took that picture, this morning between 1:30 and 2:00. No, not from inside the shower. It was the view through the driver’s side window of my car, as I sat around in the middle of the night, like a high-douche, waiting for the bullet-proof ice shell to loosen up a bit.
As I was leaving work a security guard said, “Be careful out there. It’s pretty shitty.” And his assessment of the situation was right on the money. Shitty, it most certainly was.
The sidewalk outside the door was a highly-polished sheet of ice, and I had to walk like I was smuggling butt-eggs in order not to fall. The parking lot was also slick and crunchy, but not as many people had walked in the same area, so it wasn’t quite as treacherous.
It was raining hard pellets at this point, and the whole world was encased in crystal clear ice. If I hadn’t been facing a drive home in it, I probably would’ve thought everything looked really cool. But, under the circumstances: no.
My car had a hard protective coating on it, at least an inch thick. I pulled on the passenger side door, and it wouldn’t budge. What the? I tugged harder, trying to remain conscious of the slickness beneath me, and the door exploded from its state of suspended animation.
Big plates of ice went flying in every direction.
I put my notebook and snack sack on the seat, and grabbed my military-grade ice scraper off the passenger-side floor. And with the very first scraping motion, I knew it was going to be much more complicated than that. It was almost literally impenetrable.
I egg-walked around to the driver’s side, played tug of war with that door, and got inside. I started the engine, turned the heater as high as it would go, set it so it would blow directly onto the glass, and activated the network of heat-wires in the back window.
Then I got back out and tried to scrape again. And it’s weird… The rear of the car, and the passenger side, weren’t too bad. I could apply a little pressure, and great sections of ice would bust loose. It wasn’t really scraping, it was more like prying.
But the windshield and driver’s side were a mess. The inch-thick layer of ice had become part of the car. I literally couldn’t cut through it.
And why does that happen? Why is there always bad sides of a frozen car, and not-so-bad sides? There wasn’t much wind out there, so I don’t think that was the reason. I’m sure some of you can school me on it…
So, I had few options, and decided to just get in the car and wait for it to heat up a little. Then maybe I could make some progress.
I listened to George Noory, and his “everything’s going to hell” guest of the hour. This one was talking about the impending explosion of Yellowstone Park, and how it will lead to the extinction of the human race. Or somesuch.
Finally, after about fifteen minutes (fifteen real minutes, not fifteen tall-tale minutes), I noticed the ice at the bottom of the windshield was starting to go a little wobbly. So, I got out and was able to clean the rest of it off.
And as I was working I heard a supervisor, way off on the other side of the parking lot, holler, “This is bullshit! FUCK!!”
Finally I was moving, and the roads were horrible. Until I reached the interstate the rear of my car wanted to trade places with the front. The highway was a little better, but only the right lane, where previous vehicles had cut a path through the mess.
I don’t think I ever made it up to 50 mph during the entire journey, and didn’t get home until 3:10. I’d left my job at 1:40, and live 36 miles away. Grrr…
The sidewalk in front of our house has a few down-steps in it, and I didn’t trust any of it. I had visions of a cartoon character slipping on ice, fully inverted, with his feet above his head. So I walked through the yard, with my feet turned sideways, like skis.
I finally reached the front door, without blowing my neck open, and Andy exploded from the house. He was wild, and took off running in some random direction. Funk dat, I said. If he’s gone, he’s gone. I’m not chasing that crazy hound in this crap.
But, of course, he returned a short time later. Coming from the opposite direction, I noticed… Wonder if he ran all the way around the world? It’s possible, I think. Black Lips was moving.
I shed my coat, slipped into some ’80s sweatpants, flopped down in front of my computer, and popped the top on a Yuengling Lager. Then another.
I finally crawled into bed at 4:20, almost three hours after I’d left work, and Toney’s alarm went off ten minutes later. It was time for her to start the day, as I was drifting off to sleep for the “night.”
And that’s the way we live nowadays.
Pagan,
Thank you. Now I can laugh.
HAHAHA What a delight! HAHAHA
Okay, here is an automotive tip from someone living 100 miles south of the Arctic Circle (Nome, Alaska).
Prestone makes windshield de-icer. It comes in a yellow can and has a plastic ice scraper molded onto the top of the can. It’s like $4 here in Nome. Keep a can in your house or carry it in your briefcase/backpack at work. If you wanna go cheap, just pour some rubbing alcohol over the ice encrusted windows…it works just about as well.
Lesson 2: Getting into a freezing rain encrusted car. Go to an auto body shop supply store and ask for a dent pulling hook. Or go to an ice skating rink and but a skate lace puller (a hook used by hockey players to pull their laces really, really tight).
Wrap the tip of whichever device you buy with a small piece of duct tape, insert under the crack of the door opening somewhere near the door handle, and pull gently, but firmly. It should break the ice loose on the first or second try.
…A helpful hint from a surf reporter in the northern, western, and even easternmost state in America! 🙂
Okay, here is an automotive tip from someone living 100 miles south of the Arctic Circle (Nome, Alaska).
Prestone makes windshield de-icer. It comes in a yellow can and has a plastic ice scraper molded onto the top of the can. It’s like $4 here in Nome. Keep a can in your house or carry it in your briefcase/backpack at work. If you wanna go cheap, just pour some rubbing alcohol over the ice encrusted windows…it works just about as well.
Lesson 2: Getting into a freezing rain encrusted car. Go to an auto body shop supply store and ask for a dent pulling hook. Or go to an ice skating rink and buy a skate lace puller (a hook used by hockey players to pull their laces really, really tight).
Wrap the tip of whichever device you buy with a small piece of duct tape, insert under the crack of the door opening somewhere near the door handle, and pull gently, but firmly. It should break the ice loose on the first or second try.
…A helpful hint from a surf reporter in the northern, western, and even easternmost state in America! 🙂
…oh, and if you have a car older than 5 years or so, at the start of winter, go out and rub a light coating of Vaseline around the rubber door seals. It help keeps water from getting between the seals and freezing the doors shut.
Wow, am I glad I moved to Phoenix! I don’t miss the ice storms of the midwest. Yuk!
I find it hysterical that in today’s Further Evidence Jeff commented on a discussion about butt plugs by challenging a hesitant homosexual to man-up and go for it!!!! That’s too funny.
clint,
Ice, alchahol and vaseline, what kind of relationship do you have with that car of yours?
I sit and try to figure out where the “further evidence” comes from. I think I can kind of understand that a Google of “Butt egg” might get you to “butt plug”… Jeff, sometimes you plain ole scare me.
pagan – I would have had that kid ass fried and handed to me on a platter. Stealing a car is equal to horse theft in my book. A hanging offense. How did he get into the car? You don’t have to unlock the car to start it so that would mean that he broke into the vehicle which is theft. That is why the cops were pissed at you. If you had left the car unlocked, it would have been just joy riding. Same goes for leaving the keys in the ignition. Remember folks, this is not the law in all states.
My own theory on the difference in ice thickness/stuckness from one side of the car to the other involves which side the sun shined on more or more recently. But would this effect linger into the godawful hours of the night Jeff is getting out of work? Maybe a combination of the sun effect and metten’s directional storm front theory…
In a related note, is it a coincidence the Coen brothers had Jerry Lundegaard in Fargo smile as his life and plans steadily turned to shit all around him, but finally snap while scraping an ice-crusted windshield? I think not. I recreate that scene at least once a week throughout the winter, only sometimes for fun.
J Shifty I was thinking the same thing. Wind has nothing to do with water freezing.
In a follow-up, during lunch I stumbled upon the security camera footage of Jeff getting out of work last night:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3McfrgMN8EM
And that, my friends, is why I live in Corpus Christi, Texas….it’s a beautiful sunny day today and 83 degrees……..ahhhhhhhh
I beg to differ about wind freezing water. It is wind that makes bridges freeze faster than roads.
i thought bridges froze faster because they didn’t have the ground insulating them from below… i might be dumb, though. it’s still up for debate.
Bridges should have those thick rags that hang down at car washes attached to them. Make them go down until they’re just above the water. The boats could still push through, and it would be a lot of fun. Sometimes you could have a surprise waiting on the other side. Maybe a waterfall or something like that.
And they could have messages written on the rags for the benefit of the boat captains. “Only dopes smoke dope while they float. Mmmkay?”
Wow. I off to the patent office. Again.
It’s supposed to read, “I’m off to the patent office again.” Frick.
I don’t know about Jerry but this got the ice off my windshield lickety split.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0qN6zQ3rFY
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
was really looking forward to an update today *sigh*
@Jason – being a boat owner and captain, I don’t think that would work out to well. Might tend to muck things up a bit due to those who seem to not follow the rule of N0-WAKE when passing under a bridge.
I really enjoy these more frequent updates.
Shiny Rod,
I know what you’re trying to do. You’re telling me it’s a bad idea so that you can beat me to the patent office. Not going to work. Not this time. Besides, the wake problem will be corrected by my patented little floats that are attached to the end of each hang down rag.
Shiny Rod, Thank you…that was the best 3:18 of my work day.