I had an appointment with an insurance guy yesterday afternoon, in an unfamiliar but nearby town. I figured I’d better plan accordingly, ‘cause I don’t do well with directions. Here’s how it usually goes:
Him: Are you familiar with Pittston?
Me: No.
Him: Do you know where the Polish Falcon is?
Me: Is that in Pittston?
Him: Yeah.
Me: I don’t know where it is.
Him: Pittston, or the Polish Falcon?
Me: Both.
And then it goes downhill from there. So, I just try to get the address, and use MapQuest or the press-on Garmin. Yesterday I decided to go the MapQuest route, since I’d be going to work afterward, and didn’t want to leave the GPS inside my car in 5 degree weather.
It was tactical error. I never made it to the insurance office, and was also late for work. Because, you see, I followed the directions I’d printed out, and they were shit. I did everything it said, and ended up – as best as I could tell – in 1949. I have no idea where I was, or WHEN I was.
I called the guy and told him I was aborting the mission, and would try it again on Thursday – with the GPS. And it took me straight to their front door. There were roughly 25 turns, but it ended well. I love the Garmin, and have grown to distrust MapQuest. We’ve had multiple problems with it. It used to be good, I think, but not anymore.
I like Google Maps on my phone, but it doesn’t automatically refresh. So, it’s not easy to use while driving. It was perfect in New York City, when I was hoofing it, but not so much alone in a car. Ya know?
Pittston seemed kinda cool, though. I felt like Amberson, the time-traveler in Stephen King’s new novel. I thought about stopping at a drug store soda fountain, for a mug of preservative-free root beer and some casual chit-chat about the red menace. But I’m a very busy man.
And speaking of my job… Starting on Saturday I’ll be working twelve 10-hour days in a row. I know it’s not exactly the Tour de France (go, One-Ball, go!!), but it’ll be a challenge for me. I’ve worked seven in a row before, and by the end I was like something out of Re-Animator. Maybe there’s a second-wind around Day 8? We’ll see.
It’s not going to be much fun, but I have an opportunity to double my regular two-week pay, and I’m taking it. At the end I’ll probably be pasty and twitchy, but what does it matter? People already avoid me, so who cares if I turn into Janet Reno for a few days?
This past weekend I went to one of the local car wash tunnels, and purchased their super-deluxe service, at the very top of the menu. Toney told me I was crazy, but I wanted the whole enchilada – with hot wax and Rain-X and everything they offered.
And it was great. We were inside the tunnel for what must have been ten minutes, and all manner of shite was sprayed on my car, then blasted away. When we emerged at the other end, the hood was like a mirror and everything smelled all soapy and clean.
Then it started raining. It was a clear, sunny day – with a sudden downpour in the middle of it. What the hell, man? And on Sunday all the roads were heavily salted and brined-up, in anticipation of snow. Now my car looks like hell again. But it was a thing of beauty for four to seven minutes… You’ll have to take my word on it, but it’s true.
Earlier the same day, before visiting the Tunnel of Broken Dreams, I went to Staples to buy a flash drive. They advertised an 8 gigabyte model, for $9.99.
I looked around the store, but couldn’t find it. All the ones on the shelf were 32 or 64 gigs, for a ridiculous amount of money. Or, they were at the other end of the spectrum, and shaped like skateboards or whatever.
I spotted an employee, and approached him.
“Can I help you?” he asked.
“Yeah, there’s an 8 gig flash drive in your ad, for $9.99. Do you still have any of those?”
And here’s where it went wrong. I was fully prepared to buy, but this dude pissed me off. And it cost the Staples Corporation upwards of 12 cents profit. If not more.
Instead of taking me to the item, you see, or even pointing me in the general direction, he said, “How many do you want?” I asked if they had any, and he went Mr. Retail on me, and tried to be clever.
Instantly I was irritated, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. “You still have some in stock?” I asked.
“How many would you like to buy?” he answered, without taking a step in any direction. And that was too much to handle This dude fancied himself the master shopkeeper, and was trying to use some kind of boolshit seminar mind-trick on me. I told him to forget it.
“I can take you to them,” he offered. But he was talking to my back at that point. I have a low tolerance for nonsense, and Staples is now in the penalty box for three months. I’ll give them another chance starting on April 1.
I went home and bought this flash drive, from Amazon. Free shipping… and no clever asshole in a Polo shirt. Yeah, those kinds of places always whine because online stores are taking their business. Ha! In three months we’ll reassess.
And you know how you sometimes get to the bottom of a cup of coffee, and do the extended finish-tilt? But you underestimate how much liquid remains, and realize too late that you’ve taken on more than you can handle? Well, that just happened to me, and there’s a big stinky circle of java on the carpet to my right. Most of it came out of my mouth, but a small percentage rocketed from my nose and tear ducts.
How long does stale coffee stench remain? Will it be gone by tomorrow? I don’t care for it. I’ve sopped up as much as possible, but there’s still a coffee ghost hanging around in here. I could spray some Febreze on it, but I’d rather just smell the regurgitation. Blecch.
And I don’t really have a Question today. I guess we can go with something completely off the wall. Like, do you have any scars? You know, like in that boozy scene in Jaws? I don’t have any, except a small one on the pointer finger of my left hand. I cut it with a piece of wire when I was a kid, and it was no big deal. But for some reason it left a scar. What about you? Use the comments link below.
Or, just go with something else. It doesn’t matter. Clearly, I didn’t think this one through…
I’ll be back on Sunday or Monday, my friends. Have a great weekend. And thanks for visiting the site! I sincerely appreciate the continued support.
See ya next time.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
Good Evening Surf Reporters!!
…I’m loaded with scars. Near fatal car accident in 1993 was the major contributor. Nothing 3 hours of plastic surgery and a bazillion stitched couldn’t fix.
3rd?
Ten hour days bite the big green weenie. Good luck!
If I ever came in contact with a big GREEN weenie, I would have to back away slowly.
It’s a Marine Corps radar shop saying…
Yeah, maybe a little accident prone.
Zipper on the elbow, slid down the winder of the ’67 Cougar back in ’74 while parents washed it and sliced it open on the wiper. Shoulda had stitches.
BB divot in skull from playing an escalated version of cowboys and native americans.
Many hand scars from various knife tricks & whittlin’ mishaps. Never buy a 10 year old an X-acto set. Duh.
Split fingerprint from mashing open the wedding ring finger between two oil drums. Broke the bone, etc. Man that one throbs thinking about it.
Big ol shin length zipper where they put a 10 inch plate in my leg after I busted it up in an avalanche whilst mountaineering. No shit. Rode about a half mile & thousand vertical feet. Felt lucky to be in a wheel chair for 10 weeks.
But other than that, not much.
You were in an actual avalanche? That’s cool as hell.
Dumb as hell to be caught. Cool as hell to have survived.
Flying off the mountain in a Blackhawk was the highlight. Arguing w/ paramedics and nurses so they let me take my clothes and gear off without destroying it was fun. Having the paramedics start an IV while bouncing down the road in am ambulance was the scary part.
Oh yeah, forgot when my friend split open my metatarsal with an ax. Good gash on the foot from that one.
Good times, good times.
GPS is for girls.
mapquest sucks, go with google. i have a pretty major scar, i had scoliosis repair surgery when i was 13 so i have a scar going down the entire length of my back and they also had to take a piece of my rib for the surgery so i have a pretty big scar on my side as well…im proud of my scars! listen to the stonesour song “made of scars”
Jeff, that is one suck-ass work schedule! Godspeed, and we’ll see you on the other side.
I haven’t used Mapquest since google maps came out. Seriously, maps.google.com.
A few scars on my fingertips from various cooking mishaps. Also on my right thumb from when I was fighting with my brother as kids; the weapons wre broomsticks or something like.
I’ll try not to complain about the work schedule, since I volunteered. Yeah, we’ll see how that goes.
I have the kind of scars that don’t show.
🙂
Sounds like you need a hug, Chuck.
Yeah, most of my scars are emotional too, but they definitely show.
Chuck, the hot water bottle is almost up to soothing temp.
I have been a whiny bitch lately. Tell me though should I use the hot water bottle or ice it down?
Ice the first 24 hours, heat after that.
Like, on your sphincter?
Got a beaut right across my throat from where my thyroid gland went ‘pffft’ and had to be removed. I tell people I was glassed in a bar fight.
Missing a literal pound of flesh from the inside of my right calf. Jumped the crown of the road and hit the far side of a ditch; motorcycle kept going, I didn’t. Think ‘human hamburger’ and you have a nice picture of what they found smeared all over the inside of the pants leg they cut off in the emergency ward.
Cut the side off my left index and middle fingers in separate ‘gardening’ accidents while grooming bud I MEAN clipping suckers off the tomato plants. Both sides grew back which I think means I’m a starfish or something.
I have many scars, but the scariest is one I received when I was assaulted in a hospital, in the most sensitive of areas, when I was but a day old. Let me know if you want to see the pictures. 😉
Pictures from then or now?
They’re probably the same
awesome.
Wanna see my vasectomy scar?
Man #1: I saw plenty of action in Nam…got three purple hearts.
Man #2: Have a scar?
Man #1: No thanks, I don’t smoke.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
.
Somewhere in the US a woman gives birth every 5.3 minutes. We must find this woman and stop her.
That couple had a 20th baby?
I have 6 scars from cysts removals, one scar from 2 cesarian sections and one laparoptomy from an ectopic. A few scars on my face when my ex threw my beloved cat at me – she landed on my cheek with her nails out. Not her fault.
I have 5 tattoos, so the flaws don’t bother me. 🙂
Yeah, I’ve got some scars
I’ll offer this haiku:
Ice cream scar cowboy
No vein safe from raging bones
Must stay sane this time
Man I love me some haiku.
I’ve started collecting antique jewelry. Mostly when I go to the rest homes to cheer the old folks up with my harmonica playing.
I met a shitbag who uses the term “bloke” a lot even though he was born and raised in Mississippi. This asshole is in “sales”. He couldn’t sell a hooker on an aircraft carrier, as far as I’m concerned. I was sorta prepared to do some business with him before he started that “bloke” shit. Now I wouldn’t buy the cure to cancer from him. I completely agree with what Jeff did at Staples.
My wife unplugged the coffee maker to charge her phone in the kitchen. I plugged it back in and a ball of light and smoke came from the back of it. So fuck the world.
I got a little stress relief helicopter for Christmas complete with smoking feature…well maybe not a feature as the smoke came out of the remote control not the chopper and the controller smells like burnt plastic. Yeah it’s going back to Best Buy tomorrow.
Our paper shredder did the same light show a while back. The wife was dusting it with a damp rag and BANG SNAP FLASH SCREAM YELL RUNNING WATER-FLOWING BURNT-HAIR SUPRESS-GIGGLES. She was fine but a little startled and only lost a few hairs..really she was fine.
I hate it when I go into any big box store soon after the sales staff has been given a big pep talk. Otherwise tolerable young people suddenly begin acting like idiots, asking me about every twenty seconds if there is anything they can help me find, telling me their names and explaining that if I need any help with anything at all they would be happy to make my shopping experience successful. Sometimes it’s the same person doing this every twenty seconds. I have actually told a couple of the most clueless ones to leave me the hell alone.
Sometimes it’s even worse when you do ask for something, though. Last summer in the local Best Buy, I asked a kid in the home electronics department where I could find some audio patch cables. Got a blank stare. “RCA interconnect cables,” I said. After a pause, he asked, “Is that a computer cable of some kind?” Maybe he belonged in the vacuum cleaner department and had somehow gotten lost.
Scars: big one on my right collarbone from where they removed a shattered rib, one on my left arm from a doberman with a shitty attitude, one on my right hand from a metal shelf that didn’t agree with me, right leg is littered with them from being a clumsy kid, and there’s a nice one across the back of one calf that I don’t quite remember getting, but I remember it bleeding a lot. Oh, and cut up fingertips from being a ten year old with a pocketknife and a lot of free time.
The Polish Falcons look like a fun bunch.
http://www.polishfalcons.org/
I wonder how often you have to polish your falcon to remain a member. he he member, get it?
I used to have matching scars close to my nether region. I was born with a double hernia. They’re probably still there but I haven’t seen them in a few years.
Maybe you need some manscaping?
No, more like liposuction. Think Peter Griffin.
Welp, you are talking to the right girl. Not ONLY do I work for a plastic surgeon (lipo), I am an licensed Esthetician..which means after your lipo, I could do some waxing. When I used to wax the junk of all the gay guys that came into the spa I worked at, they said it gave them an extra inch.
LMAO!
I’ll let you know on the lipo, started Jeff’s favorite diet this week. As for the waxing,ain’t gonna happen!
What am i gonna do with a two inch penis?
Make some midget really happy? Maybe even a girl midget?
I don’t think “girl midget” is a politically correct term these days.
I think the proper term is “little girls.”
No because i can say i like girl midgets i cant say i like little girls
Some little girls are very nice people.
You’re right, though, most of em are total bitches.
Probably because they’re midgets.
Lots of scars.
But really? Mapquest?
That’s been a turd for years. Google is pretty good and yahoo maps was always ok.
Mapquest? (Walks away muttering)
I had a hydroseal done two years ago. Now that is fun…
sorry hydrocele
I had something like that in 98. My jerry orbach swelled up about double and every step felt like a shoe to the nuts. They basically sent a roter router down my wang and fixed it.
And thank you wikipedia for Canal of Nuck.
Our son had a hydrocele after he was born. The right side corrected itself and the surgeon said the left side would also close up. But, we wanted him circ’ed and knew the insurance wouldn’t pay for it when he was 18 months old (he was a preemie, so it couldn’t be done at the hospital – he was 2lbs.)
So, she agreed to surgically fix the left hydrocele and do the circ at the same time, so our insurance would cover both procedures. She did a great job and he has no visible scars – the last time I saw that anatomy on him he was about 3 or so, but I’m guessing the surgeries went well. Hee hee.
Mine looks pretty good now. Maybe I will post a pic..
I have a huge scar from my breastbone to beltline. Emergency surgery — one more day and I would have been dead. Fun times.
I gave up on Mapquest years ago. Google maps all the way, until I can afford a fancy GPS. I actually still buy a Trucker’s Atlas every few years, and use it when I go on long distance trips. My girlfriend calls me “old man” because of things like that.
You have to be careful with Google Maps too these days. In the past year or so I’ve gotten some really bad info there, like addresses off by miles. Used to be pretty reliable.
Those trucker atlases are great. Lots of city maps, even airport maps in some of them. I used to buy those “exit guides” too, the ones that listed all the lodging and fuel services at every exit in the Interstate system. The phone numbers were great to have. The ones I used were in two volumes, divided by the Mississippi, and you really needed to replace them every year but they paid for themselves pretty fast. Now I just use a laptop.
Mapquest has had me so lost, not to mention late for things. I used to use it a lot to find the estate sales I go to on Saturday mornings. I like to be early at the first sale. Mapquest has made sure I’m so late that it’s not worth standing in line. I have an old fashion “steet maps’ book. Works perfectly every time.
I scar so easily. With my white ass skin, my scars stick around forever with a nice purple color before the pigment changes to red. Real pretty. So if I scratch a skeeter bite, I have it for months.
Do tattoo’s count? I have four. Three biggin’s, one littlin. The largest is from below my left shoulder blade to my waist. I got it when my husband passed away. A kneeling angel, praying and teardrops.
I swear we must be sisters. I have flourescent white skin. if someone so much as taps me, I have a purple black and blue for about a week. I sometimes can’t wear a watch because my wrist bone bruises.
Your tattoo sounds beautiful!
It is really pretty. The only thing I would have done differently is had it centered on my back because I have a butterfly with a large wingspan across the back of my shoulders and the ever loving tramp stamp on my lower back. It would just look more symmetrical. But…I forget their there and no one see’s them except my bikerdude boyfriend.
Sisters separated at birth, I tell ya. Don’t you just hate that fair skin?? I fucking burn on a tan for cripes sakes. It sucks. So in the winter, I’m white; in the summer, I’m red. My legs don’t tan, they blotch. Lovely.
Mapquest can get me lost going to my next door neighbor’s house – that’s how much that fucker sucks. You may as well rely on markings on cave walls.
I have scars on both shoulders from multiple surgeries. I used to tell my nieces and nephew that’s how they attached my head.
Got a nasty scar on my wrist form going through a storm door chasing my sister oh a good 40 some odd years ago. I also have a nasty scar on my hip when I fell on a gravel driveway running away from a psychotic dog.
I think the worst one is under my bottom lip. I slipped going upstairs (I had leather slippers on my hands and I was paddling upstairs) and put my tooth through my skin.
“I have scars on both shoulders from multiple surgeries. I used to tell my nieces and nephew that’s how they attached my head.”
That is the same kind of crap my uncle used to pull on me! You aren’t him, are you?
Niece???? is that you?
Actually, I would b your aunt.
I have a scar on my left leg from having a cyst removed. I have a scar on my forehead from when I busted my head open. I have a small dot in the center of my forehead from a chicken pox scar.
And I have several back moles. Those aren’t scars, but they are disgusting.
Why is it that we only seem to end up with one chicken pox scar and it always seems to be iin the middle of the forehead?
My brother has one in the same spot, and so do I.
Scar on my scalp from the metal plate they put in after the war wound. Now, the Army cut out my disability, saying the plate in my head ain’t big enough.
The government calls that balancing the budget. One fuckover at a time.
How big does a head plate have to be to get disability?
Tell them you are holding them liable for putting an incorrectly sized plate in your head…
51st!
Often I am frightened away by comments left here.
I will return.
My favorite question of the day is still “Have you ever injured your hoo-hoo?”I still crack up at some of the responses.
Or “how many times have you shown up to work with rug burn on your face?”
I’m done with tech stores — it’s become impossible to purchase anything there, or get a question answered, without having some sort of cross-sell, up-sell, or warranty plan shoved right up your ass.
I just order that shit off Amazon now and thank god Amazon Prime exists two days later when my stuff shows up on time and in perfect condition. Best Buy, Office Depot and Staples are fucking doomed.
I agree, Dave. I had to replace a cable modem for the in-laws recently. I diagnosed it at 4:15 p.m., contemplated going to Best Buy to get a new one, concluded “fuck that”, ordered one from Amazon at 4:25 p.m. (sitting in my car, on my iPad), paid an add’l $3.99 (in addition to Prime) for one-day delivery, rec’d it in my office at 10 a.m. the next day, had it installed that afternoon.
TW mentioned Tuesday evening that she needed some Barkeeper’s Friend cleanser. Williams-Sonoma wants $4.50 for it; Amazon delivered a 4-pack yesterday for $13.30. If Amazon sold groceries and booze, I could completely avoid going to any store in 2012.
I get Bar Keeper’s Friend at the local Safeway. It does a fantastic job on stainless and copper.
Tech stores – I still go to Micro Center once in a while, because it’s near my house, if I need, say a hard drive NOW.
.
I’ve had two recent interactions with sales folk.
At the bike store:
Me: Hey, excuse me. Hey.
Dude: Yeah, can I help you?
Me: Do you have any broken bike chains?
Dude: Uh…what? No, I don’t think so.
Me: Can you check in the garbage? (I point to a garbage can over at the service section of the bike store.)
Other dude: Huh, what do you want?
Me: A broken bike chain. I’ll give you a few bucks.
Other dude: Yeah, I through one out earlier. (He points at the same trash can I pointed at.)
Me: Can I have it?
Dude: I guess, let me get it for you. (Get’s the bike chain. Puts it in a plastic bag. Looks at me like a dog trying to figure out television. Hands me the bag.)
Me: Thanks.
Dude: It’s yours.
At hardware store:
Old guy worker: Can I help you find something?
Me: Yeah, I need some rusty nails.
Old guy worker: Well, we don’t have any rusty nails. We have some regular nails on aisle 23 you can rust yourself.
Me: Cool. Thanks. (I go to aisle 23.)
Aisle 23 golem: Can I help you find anything?
Me: I need 10 rusty nails about 4 inches long.
Golem: Uh, what are you building?
Me: They aren’t really being used for building anything.
Golem: Uh, what do you gonna use them for?
Me: To hammer into a board and bend them around stuff.
Golem: (Ggears grinding) We have these nails. (He points at a carrousel of nails. Some were this size of thumb tacks, others were as large as railroad spikes. I think they were actually called spikes.)
Me: Those are galvanized. I won’t even be able to manually rust them.
Golem: I don’t know, there are some brass colored nails. But, they are more expensive.
Me: Brass doesn’t rust either.
Golem: Eh…uh. Uhm…
Me: I’ll just use some twine.
Are you making art or building a torture chamber? Or both?
Okay, I’ll bite.
What’s the broken bicycle chain for?
I’ll bet it’s for teaching spiritual tolerance.
Perhaps it’s a DIY colonoscopy project.
.
Golem…funny
What a bunch of freaks.
I’m building a pedal board for some of my guitar effects.
Bike chains are great at affixing pedals to boards. I break the bike chain up into it’s component parts to get the little figur 8 shaped pieces.
The bottom of most effect stomp boxes has four screws in it holding the backplate on. I can screw the back plate screw through one hole of the chain piece and into the pedal. I can put another screw through the other chain piece hole and into the board. Thereby securing the pedal to the board in a subtle way without having to use velcro, tape, or other glue based substance.
I use the rusty nails for murdering children. But I couldn’t find any, so I’ll have to use twine to kill college students.
Actually the nails, now twine, are just for rustic decoration on the pedal board.
Hahahaha awesome…
now see, that’s a much better way to use a broken bike chain than what I said.
You’re in a band. Cool. You should use the twine to kill your singer.
I’m in a band, and I’m the singer. But, if only on principle, I still hate singers.
No, I’ve given up bands.
I’m just some dude playing with himself in a bedroom now.
You can hear my latest album at:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1191755
Cool. Thanks for the link. I enjoyed that while playing with myself in my bedroom.
Rock the fuck on.
I’m a sucker for guitar… probably because, besides my sweet, princess-like vocals, drums are the only instrument I play. Always wanted to be a guitarist, but there are no magical pills available, and I don’t want to practice. When I play guitar, people look uncomfortable. I do enjoy that.
The stuff we’re playing is more post-punk/punk/garagy type shiznit; everybody’s been playing for 25 years or so (except me- I’m the youngest guy, and plus I mainly just lilt like a twirly little princess). We all just started jamming together seriously only a couple of months ago. We haven’t recorded yet. When we do, it will change the world and stamp out childhood obesity.
So stay tuned for that.
I have had similar experiences in teh past with Mapquest. I used to use it exclusively, until a friend turned me onto Bingmaps. Haven’t been to mapquest for at least 18 months.
I don’t know WTF is up with mapquest, but their whole site doesn’t seem very user friendly after using Bing.
Plus bing allows you to have a street view, and rotate it too. If you’re a map nerd like me, i think you will love it.
I think I have a scar on my scrotum. I had a vasectomy so I suppose there is some scarring down there.
I never really looked for it! LOL.
Got me about 13 inches of scars from various mishaps. But there is enough left for a good lampshade.
Most of my scars have disappeared in the last 10 years. Very odd, stuck around for a few decades and they’ve vanished. Still got a bunch, but nothing of note after reading about avalanches and crash induced scars.
When I was 10, I was in the basement, making candles. Dumped about a half gallon of boiling parafin on my body from the waste down. It left a scar, which is now about 4″ wide and 10″ long on my right leg. The rest of me just tanned real good. Yea, that was fun. It took about 6 months to heal. I had to wear a metal shield on my leg to prevent anything from coming in contact with the healing tissue. “Scar, right thigh” became an identifier on my draft registration card. Oh yea, it’s still there.
OH…BTW…chicks dig scars. It’s a proven fact.
Great! I’ll wear shorts from now on.
Lots of scars, both physical and mental. Most too boring or typical to catalog.
However, today my physical therapist told me about an interesting fly-fishing trip that landed him on a nudist beach in Jersey (good fish were to be had there that day, so he says). He was next to a grizzled old fisherman who successfully wrangled bluefish while his junk slapped freely about in the summer sun. Think Quint, but nekkid. I gotta assume that if you’re a nudist fly-fisher you have some pretty interesting scars. And convoluted stories for the person stitching you up.
You’re gonna need a bigger boat.
wow, deja vu
Do you remember when soda cans (pop cans) had the removable pull rings? I laid one down on the arm of the chair, forgot about it, and slammed my arm down on it by mistake when laughing at a joke. I have a one inch reminder that looks like I decided to end it but got scared and stopped.
Besides the aforementioned vasectomy scar (again, anyone wanna see it?) I have surgery scars from when I was about a year old – both insteps and about 5 inches up the back of each ankle. It’s kinda neat that the scars grew with me over the last 49 years. It’s better than being Dr X – had I been born as little as 12 years earlier (like my older brother) I would have had the chair rather than the scars.
My left index finger has a multitude of tool related scars from home and auto repair. Then they invented gloves.
After getting the table saw and using it for a few days, I left the bloodstains as a reminder.
.
I was 16 when I gave myself this reminder with a table router…
http://www.tumblr.com/blog/wallybertke
I count 25 scars, total. Mostly from skin cancer and breast cancer (only a lumpectomy on that one). Others include: pushing open a swinging metal door at my elementary school, and not seeing the nail sticking out of it, pointy end out.
Also, stitches in my left thumb from cutting PITA BREAD for a sandwich for my ex-husband. Who the fuck CUTS pita bread, anyway??? I do, even though there’s a little built in seam on the side. Drove myself to the hospital, too…
Add the scar from the third degree sunburn I got on my lower back while on Cipro (“causes photosensitivity”). Yeah. I know what it means. But they should’ve included pictures with the prescription. Good God Almighty. Had a sunburn from June of ’09 to July of ’10. Good times.
Proper prior planning prevents piss poor pita peeling performance.
The idiot ex-husband didn’t like the bread “torn”. I offered to cut a small piece off the end, to have easier access to “splitting” the pita at the seams. No go. Pita must be cut, with knife horizontally inserted, 3/4 of the way through. Ended up cutting my thumb, instead, AND had to drive myself to the hospital with a bloody, bandaged thumb. He had to make his own dan pia sammiches after that.
The fact you had to drive yourself explains the “ex”.
Well, that. And the fact that he didn’t like having sex. I didn’t get married to join a celibacy group.
I hear ya. I was friend zoned today “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. I’ve had the sex life of a monk the last few years (and we just celebrated 25).
And by celebrated I mean no touching and barely talking since October. Hi, have we met? I’m Mr Buzz Killington..
Wow. hot fuzz…you must really love your wife. No one should have to live that way…We are all sexual creatures, so if your wife WAS once interested, and then suddenly wasn’t, it could signal a medical issue. Menopause? Depression? Or, is it like one of my husband’s favorite jokes: Why are brides smiling as they walk down the aisle? Because they know they’ve given their last blow job.
One secret to a long marriage (25 yrs plus dating since high school – so closer to 30) is lowered expectations. Long does not equal happy though. I remember a line I quoted here once – ” been married 25 years – 30 with the wind chill.”
From the movie Old School – marriage ceremony scene
Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to you then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frank. Way to work it through.
Yes to menopause + depression (anti anxiety pills take away a lot of the stimuation) + self esteem (her mother really is a bitch to her and her sister) + I know everything (it’s not my fault nor is it easy being right all the time – my gift is my curse ie except for my marriage I usually can figure out the best answer pretty quickly – that doesn’t help her self esteem. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prick about it but rather she lives with a guy who always has the right answer).
A life time of marriage without abuse or cheating, without substance abuse or gambling….but instead with a ton of patience, hope, compromise, support, love and affection means I’m stuck pretending until my daughter is done with school and then on my own after that (although alone is how I feel right now).
But at least I know and now that I can say I’m not in love now either thank you very much. It makes it sad but not as tragic. BTW, counseling is out of the question – many reasons on her side and not worth going through them all here.
Thanks for listening. (insert funny joke or comment here). Off to bed to not sleep now.
Dude, you are a trooper and should probably be considered for sainthood. Seriously, that’s some shit on her part. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll find someone someday who enjoys asking for the right answer and deserves you. As for now, just keep your head up. When you hit the bottom, you can only go up from there. I wish I had more shitty inspirational yet meaningless sayings for you, but I’m only one man.
Our wedding anniversary was last June. It’s been 20 of the happiest years of my life.
Been married for 32…
damn. i just got in trouble for swiping a blue moon and a bud select 55.
Wedding cake has an ingredient in it that kills a woman’s sex drive.
Or so I’ve been told.
Jeff, I think the Ruskies are back. More Trojan warnings coming up for your site.
Same here sorry to say.
Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????
Signed,
An Embarrassed Fan.
bikerchick,
I feel your pain.
Signed,
A Chargers fan.
A bengals fan.
Go Packers.
Bengals were a bit underwhelming, I’m hoping I don’t Bungalize the Packers rooting for them the rest of the way.
that was pretty rough. They definately wouldn’;t have made it out of the second round.
Yep, I picked a bad week to quit drinking.