Remember when I was whining a few days ago, about time moving too fast? Well, I’d like to amend my statement…
It’s true that the years are now clicking by like South of the Border signs on the way to Myrtle Beach, but there are exceptions. Many exceptions.
For instance, this morning I got a wild hair up my ass (what’s the origin of that phrase?) to download the three must-own Aerosmith albums from the ’70s: Get Your Wings, Rocks, and Toys in the Attic. Aerosmith isn’t my favorite band on the planet, but those records are essential.
So, I powered up my laptop, and iTunes prompted me to upgrade to a new version. I’m quite OCD about keeping all my programs and software up to date, so I instinctively hit the upgrade button.
Then it felt like I was in a state of suspended animation.
The clocks stopped for a few minutes, then started moving backwards. It seemed like I was growing a beard, and cobwebs were forming. If I’d looked out the window I’m convinced I would’ve seen a film montage of the sun rising and setting, with a lot of fast-moving clouds in between.
The green bar inched its way to the right, and it took FOREVER. I was howling in protest, just a-bitchin’ up a storm. Finally it got to the end, and triggered a second stage, something to do with album artwork.
“Unbelievable!” I shouted, the whites of my eyes turning to crimson.
Eventually, after an impossible length of time, it was finished. I had to reboot (also irritating), and everything was finally, finally back to normal. Holy crap, what an excruciating experience…
Total real-time investment: about four minutes. But man, they were looooong jailhouse minutes. I seriously didn’t think I was going to make it.
Also, there’s an ATM at work that insists on spitting out a receipt after every transaction. I don’t like ATM receipts, but this machine doesn’t offer an opt-out. So, I have to hang around and wait for it to print.
And there’s an unacceptable lag between money and receipt, that makes me absolutely insane. I stand there and scream at the thing: “HURRY!” And my co-workers exchange “holy shit” glances.
Another situation where time stands still:
At fast food restaurants, in line behind some shitbox who insists on asking a million questions, and has apparently never been inside a McDonald’s before.
“It’s a Big Mac, you idiot! The most famous sandwich on Earth!! Even in the darkest jungles of Africa they know it has lettuce on it. Just place your order and move your prissy ass to the left.”
Perhaps I’m a tad tightly wound? I don’t think so, though. I’m a laid-back dude. And since I was complaining about time moving too quickly, maybe I should be happy about the things that slow everything down for a few minutes?
Hey, don’t muddy the waters with your logic, man. I’ve got a life to lead here, and don’t have the patience for upgrades, receipts, fast food showboaters, and the like.
What other things cause time to stand still? There are a million of ’em. Help me out in the comments, won’t you?
And I’m gonna go to work now. My last day of the week… But Wednesdays are always extra-fun. I really wish I could write about work. God, so many stories… Oh well.
See ya tomorrow.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
It’s obvious Scott’s never seen “No comments” at the bottom of an update. It makes otherwise sane Surf Reporters lose their “Sifting through comments from idiots who think their lives revolve around being the first to comment on WVSR. Say something interesting or stay home.” cool.
i always fgured if I lived in an area where earthquakes were prevelent I would not notice them due to the alcoholic tremors I love with.
hot fuzz says
CaDude – oops….here I thought I was being clever and then I guess I went and trampled all over your punchline. BAD hot fuzz BAD… BAD BAD BAD….
I guess I didn’t expect a lawyer with a sense of humor to be so subtle… (Brittney told me to say that)..
(you both know I’m kidding right)
(going to go fuck myself now)
hot fuzz says
BTW I felt an aftershock I believe… but then you’d expect that if the “chair” you were sitting on was attached to the earth by plumbing…
maybe it wasn’t an aftershock….
That’s ok, I apologized too, no harm done. I actually would like to sue this crazy woman at my work that’s been trying to get myself and another woman fired for the past 5 months now. She made up an anoymous email address, and addresses herself as the ‘concerned employee’. Her latest e-mail (she sends new ones every couple months or so) to the president of the company was that myself and our accounting girl are trying to ‘slander his name’ and ‘trying to get the office & the university closed by reporting it to the board of education so we can sit around and collect unemployment’ (I work for a medical university)…as soon as they figure out it’s her I’m going to slap the bitch with a lawsuit. My boyfriend and I just got a house and as of last May I got a new car, so I don’t have the patience anymore for her shit. Last time she did this, she went onto my facebook which I stupidly left unblocked from strangers and she got on there and sent management all my status updates and comments I’d left people for the previous 2 days. What kind of crazy bitch does this? Any way, I’m kind of flattered that she thinks that I can apparently singlehandedly take down an entire University so I can sit on my ass and collect unemployment, but come on already. So that’s why I was asking.
Hey scott…try first just once. Just once doesn’t make you… I don’t know…committed. There’s a certain glow for tempting the fates…uh…or so I’ve read.
I got first once and I was never so excited in my life…and I used to be scott…I used to say, ‘who cares if your first, gawd’, and then I saw the light.
hot fuzz says
How about if you’re going to be a firster (not a fister, that’s different) or seconder etc you must provide a comment you feel will be entertaining – as a fair number do. I still laugh at “rat farts” instead of “second”… That, I think, would be some sort of compromise? no?
“first” – requires very little effort – just quick fingers (like a date with your mother)
“first…. to have your mother last weekend” … takes a bit more effort and still satisfies the hunger.
For the ladies? perhaps “first…done, next football player… one at a time guys” Or something actually funny.
Personally, I’m waiting for the right moment so i can chime in with “sloppy seconds!!!!” I’ve been keeping that one on the back burner for months…
Just a thought….. just a thought….
i once called out a stupid fat bitch cunt (and no, I’m not saying all stupid fat bitches are cunts or that all cunts are stupid fat bitches) named Marietta for playing solitaire at work. I was shortly removed from the office because she was a direct employee and I was a contractor and the boss had no balls (and she was piiiiiiiissed!).
Also she knew she couldn’t get fired because she was in her fifties and that would be age discrimination.
Her final act as a vindictive bitch was to delete a spreadsheet that contained every spare part and price quotes we had ordered or needed to order for 6 Airbus A300. Fortuneately I caught her before it had been deleted from the servers and we recovered it. She should have been fired for that, too.
It actually worked out because I then moved to a job where I worked nights (or at least I said I worked nights) which gave me time to go to grad school and not finish that.
also if we were gonna comment just on topic I wouldn’t get to say things like get him a body bag, johnny!
You ever see how nervous the kittens are at the kitten store when they release the latest in cuteness gene? 200 cat ladies standing in line with the occaisional fanboy or jacob wannabe waiting to get tabby.9. Sitting in camping chairs, and breaking them. Yeah, that’s how the iphone feels.
hot fuzz says
Kevindust – Although I’m in the witness protection plan, I can tell you I’m halfway between a G8 and a G20. She who must be feared and obeyed tells me that on the 6th floor she could feel the building swaying 2″ to either side of vertical. They evacuated and it was apparently quite a sight to see 300 – 400 people in a parking lot, all on their cell phones calling loved ones to make sure all was well.
My handlers are taking me to see the Queen next Thursday when she visits. I figure we’ll throw back a few brews, the old girl and I.
@JTB – I love Ferlinghetti!!! And you quoted one of my favorites as well.
Chuck in Belpre says
Oh wait…I’M CRAZY FROM THE HEAT!!1
I had my first “first” a post or two ago. It was pretty nice having my first “first” ever on the surf report.
I was de-non-firsted by jeff. ehh…..
I don’t like the “First” call though. So I actualyl read, quickly, the post and commented on it in a fleet finger fashion.
WTF on the Bunker Cam? That dude must be nearly 5 foot 8 with that do.
White Trash Barbie says
Oh my God, I am so not hot for Asian guys, but if I were I would be hot for the Asian guys in the Bunker Cam.
Husband’s sister of course! I feel like I failed an IQ test.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Go fuck yourself.
All of my so-called earthquake experiences turned out to be seizures, caused by a cantelope sized turmor in my brain. So all of you earthquake survivors can also go fuck yourselves. Liars. You prolly have a tumor.
I have a Windows laptop from work which I reboot a couple of times a week, hibernating otherwise when not in use. This practice has not caused any problems. My home desktop and servers stay on all the time. It works for me.
Christine pointed out the Marly Cadaver’s recall a cuppa two tree days ago, FWIW.
I too, thought at first that “first” was retarded, but I’ll be the first to admit I’ll jump on “first” the first time I’m first.
I am hot for Asians (I better be, I married one), but I’m not hot for any of the guys in the bunker cam. I’m not even sure how one can do that with Asian hair. Another mystery of the universe.
As for earthquakes, I felt one in upstate NY about eleven or twelve years ago. Swayed the house back and forth for a little bit. It was more disconcerting than scary. Alas, I didn’t feel the Canada one.
I was familiar with first from a drive by truckers board i was on. I used to it.
I have a tumor in my hand, but it only causes me to shake when I grab my cock.
So going bad a few day on the comments, it was fairly universal that we all want to drink together. If that ever happens it’ll be a youtube sensation. PLus Jeff might get a few bunker cam pictures out of it. Hell the public intox and resisting arrest mugshots alone will be awesome (except those will all end up on the smoking fish page).
On the desk in front of me is a 1968 New Directions paperbook #74, “A Coney Island of the Mind” by Lawrence Ferlinghetti which I personally purchased in 1968. It’s a little beaten up, but so am I.
I am a reader and recovering book collector; thus, much of what I purchase gets archived to boxes downstairs. However, this book survived college, 12 moves, marriages, scores of psychedelic experiences, two big-ass earthquakes, and dozens of re-reads, and I didn’t have to leave my swivel chair to grab it off the shelf. That’s how important it is to me. Glad to meet another fan.
Among my favorite LF poems:
Sometime during eternity
I am waiting
Christ climbed down (I read this one aloud every Christmas)
The world is a beautiful place
I have made the pilgrimage to City Lights (LF’s bookstore in San Francisco) three times in the last 40 years, and have met LF, but have never had the pleasure of an extended conversation. He’s a pretty popular and busy guy. I started reading him when he had brown hair (for that matter, I did too), but his poems never seem to lose currency.
How did you happen to find his work? I’m so old, that he was current events when I started reading him, but you look much, much younger, unless my webcam needs some work.
Thanks for speaking up.
I have been the first commenter three times in the last year, and have chosen to post a normal comment and not identify myself as “first” or “1st”. Of course, by doing this, I risk taking myself out of the running for the case of beer Jeff gives the Reporter with the most firsts. In any case, I’ll bet you survive the two or three seconds it takes you to skip over the gold, silver and bronze medalists each day. So, for all that is sacred in the universe,
Go Fuck Yourself
WB in OH says
I’ll never forget the first time I went and fucked myself.
WB in OH says
Here’s a short piece about a firster. There is an f-bomb in the middle so prolly NSFW.
Rat Bastard says
bikerchick — I am familiar with that intersection too; it is about 3 blocks from where I live. Pittsburgh traffic is a pain in the ass no matter where you are going. I guess it could be worse, considering what I’ve seen around Washington DC.
hot fuzz says
The first time I fucked myself I was on auto pilot and wondered “wtf what a great dream!!! Hey what the hell is this…???”
I like the earthquake updates. In Northern Illinois we had one this winter…scared the shit out of me. but did I run to the kids bedrooms to save them?? no. I layed there and said wtf….a tornado I can handle.
It was about 5am after a snowfall…it honestly sounded like a snowplow coming in the yard. I was asleep…I was thinking “how big is the plow that is coming”..a little panicked you know.
then my bed shook like someone was holding on to it..and spread to the north. freaky shit. I had to get online to the geological earthquake site(yes it is real) and see and tada!!!
real earthquake!! thougth I was crazy and God reached down and woke my ass up. 🙂
As a gentleman who respects the ladies I make it a habit of never being first…
To anyone who complains about us that complain about firsters:
go fuck yourself
To those who will tell me to go fuck myself: As someone who can’t seem to get a date lately fucking myself seems to be the only option I have…
Have a great weekend!
Haha, me and CAdude started a trend…well he started first, but I caused it. *sniff sniff* I am so proud. In the words of T-storm, lets all fuck ourselves and have a good time doing it.
Love you all, even you Scott.
That’s defamation of character & libel (since it’s in writing and sent to a 3rd party). Emotional distress can be a factor in the damages. It’s likely also grounds for a hostile work environment and so potentially a discrimination issue.
If the person sent the emails from work you could certainly bring suit or disclose to HR this info. HR can have IT or forensic computer specialist capture the computer contents and look for email and web history to prove she sent the info. They might do this if you threaten a lawsuit. Of course, they might also can you for being a troublemaker and you’d have to do it though the courts, by which time all evidence would be gone.
Or you could leave an open can of tuna in the sun for a couple weeks and pour it into the fresh air intakes in front of the windshield of her car.
Perhaps a combination approach would be helplful.
become friends with her and then go to her house and top shelf her toilet.
and she probably owns cats, I’m not sure what to do about that, but there is probably something funny that won’t hurt the damn things.
@J, thanks, those all sounded like good ideas, and I’m pretty sure the bitch keyed my car also, so I will take your advice to heart. Unfortunately, our IT guys are on the island in the West Indies where the actual campus is, so getting a hold of them is nearly impossible. But Lynnette (my co worker) and I, have taken this into our own hands, and I am going to try my very best to get google to tell me who is sending these emails…Don’t know what good it’ll do me, but it’ll sure make me feel better to try! This bitch is going down one way or the other.
@T-storm – She doesn’t have any cats, but I would LOVE to top shelf her toilet. Omg, I would love it. More importantly, I would love to see her face!! 😀
haha, that was supposed to be a clown…it works on yahoo messenger…apparently not on here tho…that one looks like it’s about to give head.
Hopefully that worked.
An old boyfriend of mine, who turned out to be one of my best friends, introduced me to Ferlinghetti almost 15 years ago. He’s my age, and I honestly have no idea how he found him – but I do remember that he was reading quite a bit of poetry at the time. My copy of “Coney Island” holds a prominent place on my bookshelf as well, although I haven’t had it nearly as long as you’ve had yours.
Some of my favorites, which have some overlap with yours:
Don’t let that horse eat that violin
Johnny Nolan has a patch on his ass
Sometime during eternity
I am waiting
And unless someone’s been masquerading as me, I don’t think it was me you saw on your webcam! I’ve been reading the surf report for years, but almost never comment (I participated in the last roll call, and said something about beer recently, and I think that’s about it). It must have been some other Erin . . . but I’ll 34 in a couple of months, so I suppose I am outside of the normal demographic for his work. At any rate, the tone of his poetry is amazing – sarcastic and funny, and yet still poignant and heart-breaking.
I love that I wasn’t the only one who thought of Ferlinghetti when I read airandee’s comment! Thanks for bringing it up.
The Evil Twin says
Jeff – in other WV news – Sen. Robert Byrd shuffled off to that great Ku Klux Klan rally in the sky at the age of 92…