I’m suffering a mopey low-grade yuck. It’s been hanging on for more than two weeks now, and enough is officially enough. It’s one of those annoying situations where you don’t feel horrible, but you certainly don’t feel good. For a long time.
I’m not a fan of the lingering. I’d prefer a couple days of full-on sickness over this long, drawn-out diluted affair. It’s bullshit, I tell ya. Wonder if it has anything to do with lack of beer? Hey, maybe that’s it?! Somebody get Dick Yuengling on the blower, stat!
Yesterday I approved yet another long-ass comment on this ancient Mockable article. The piece was uploaded in 2009, and still makes people angry and compelled to tap out hundreds of words of protest (or sometimes even agreement). I love it. The original premise of that website was outrageous articles with provocative titles, designed to inflame. And this super-obscure post, lodged in the anal canal of the internet itself, is proof that it could’ve worked. It feels like one person per week reads it, and simply MUST respond.
But… we almost immediately lost our way. Here’s something else I posted there, around the same time. I think it’s funny, but it doesn’t adhere to the original concept. And by the end I was posting short stories at that site. It was ludicrous. Also, Metten and I were far too ambitious. Five posts per week?! Man, that’s rich.
It’s still one of my favorite failures, though. We screwed it up, but there’s enough evidence to suggest our original instincts were sound. Of all the crazy crap I’ve begun and abandoned (the internet is littered with ’em) Mockable is the one I feel the most regret about. Oh well.
What’s your favorite failure?
Toney and I had lunch at Chipotle again on Saturday, and there was a big hair in my food. I bit down, pulled the burrito away from my mouth, and immediately realized I was still tethered to the thing. I yanked the intruder out, and it was at least a foot long. And it had a big hunk of chicken dangling off of it.
Toney was about to dry-heave, but I don’t know what it is… Hair in my food doesn’t bother me all that much. Oh, I’d prefer it not be there, but I don’t have the usual reaction to it. I think most people are reasonably clean, right? …Hello? In any case, it feels like an overrated revulsion to me. What are your thoughts on the subject?
Something that bothers me way more: men wearing loads of cologne. Or even a small amount, for that matter. That genuinely disgusts me, and not because I’m allergic, or anything like that. It just makes me sick… you know, smelling a man. Blecch.
Oh, and here’s another one… I took my son to one of those walk-in clinics a few days ago, because he had a sinus infection or somesuch. And they had a touch screen sign-in kiosk. A touch screen! At a clinic full of people with ebola and SARS and the full lineup of hepatitises. I used my right pinky, for some reason believing that would limit my exposure to the nastiness, and ran scalding hot water over it as soon as I had the chance. What high-wage genius came up with that scheme? Seriously? Humanity is a shithouse.
I didn’t watch one minute of the Oscars last night. Who needs all that pomposity, and high-horsery? I will not be lectured by a parade of know-nothings with fortunate bone structure. Fuck off. Apparently, though… Hollywood is a hotbed of hardened racists. Klansmen, essentially. But aren’t they the same people who drive wind-up cars and wear “I’m better than you” ribbons and choke up while discussing the LGBTLMNOP community? It’s confusing. Every year they remind us they’re the best and most sophisticated among us, yet they’re also white supremacists? Who knew?
Speaking of high-horsery, I saw this obnoxious shirt at the mall yesterday. The interesting thing about it? It’s priced at $24.99. Ha! It’s basically a thin white Hanes undershirt, which cost about three bucks at Wal-Mart. It’s a good thing lack of self-awareness doesn’t kill.
I’d like to conduct an experiment here, which will probably fail miserably. Who’s with me?! I asked Toney to do it, and also the older boy, and got some interesting results. If you have a smart phone, open the texting app and type the words “People are.” Then… tell us what your phone predicts will be the next word. For me it’s “goddamn,” “gross,” and “stupid.” That should give you an indicator of… something. Toney’s results were similar, but the boy had stuff like “awesome,” etc. How?? Does the phone just default to shit like that? It makes me sad. Anyway, if you’d like to share, please do. And yes, I know… some of you don’t text because you’re heroes. Got it.
What are your feelings on household coffee mugs? Toney and I never discussed it, or laid down a formal plan, or anything. But we basically have my mugs and her mugs, and proceed accordingly. It’s worked for 25 years, or however long we’ve been drinking coffee together. But when it comes to the kids it’s just full-on mug anarchy. A few days ago I saw the older boy (people are awesome!) drinking from a mug with JEFF on the side. My mother bought it for me, back in the ’70s, I think. That just blows my mind. I guess I can understand the anarchy from their perspective; they’re just going for whatever happens to be in the cabinet. But I’d never use a mug with another person’s name on it. Is that strange? How do you handle this situation? Anything goes, or is there an unwritten rule like Toney and I have? And does it drive you absolutely insane when a visitor is manhandling one of your favorite mugs? Not treating it with the care it deserves? Asking for a friend…
I need to go now. Another high-stress week beckons. I sprinkled a few few half-assed questions throughout this update, so please do with them what you will. And I’ll be back soon.
Have a great day, my friends!
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People are: Looking, going, saying….etc. Very disappointed in my phone. Stupid optimistic phone.
I prefer to have hair in my food. I keep a small jar of it next to the stove, so I can add just the right amount while preparing home-cooked meals.
“So Just and Going”are the suggestions.
We have separate mugs and it drives me nuts when my father in law uses my cup when he visits.
People are: so-just-going.
People are so: irresponsible. Thats better.
Mugs are personal to a point. Capacity, handle comfort factor into who ended up with what mug. But beyond the usual drinkers having their prefered cup, anything left is fair game regardless of name or design on the side.
Oscars… what a waste of airtime. News everywhere is broadcasting Chris Rocks speaking part, and yeah guy, way to keep racism alive with that suggestion. As for nominee’s, do a better job so you get nominated is my take on hollyweird.
WTF? Are we the same person? Do you have a birth mark the same shape of Stalin on your right foot?
People are so… cute?! Jesus. I am some secret texting hippie?
Coffee mugs are strictly his and hers.
Hair doesn’t bother me either. It’s not like it’s a booger or something.
Nobody, and I mean, nobody, touches my beat up old refillable Sheetz coffee travel cup. It is the only one I use, coffee tastes like shit in anything else. There are probably 20 other cups in the cupboard, but this one is mine, and you will pour your coffee into a different cup if I catch you trying to use it.
People are, “going” “you” and “just.”. As in ” People are going to shit their pants, you just wait and see.”
Yes they are!
I still recall one of my close friends in elementary school used to get pissed… I mean totally obnoxiously pissed, whenever anyone would use his crayons and ruin the tip. He would also shake his head in disgust whenever he would witness anyone mistreating their own crayons.
I have a collection of coffee mugs from various places I’ve done work over the years. My favorite is “Fleet Air Keflavik,” in part because the base no longer exists. Every drop is precious. Your kids need to get their own damned mugs.
A man should smell like nothing, unless his woman prefers otherwise. The worst is getting into an empty elevator which was recently occupied by a man who bathed in cologne that morning.
Favorite failure… I don’t want to talk about it.
And plus, fuck the Oscars. Life is too short.
Text suggestions: People are-not, going, you…..You?? WTH?
My husband dared to warm up soup in MY coffee mug…….SOUP! Blech! Let’s just say he didn’t make that mistake more than once. 😉
Feel better soon Jeff!
One good thing about living/being alone – no one touches your mug(s).
People are going, not, saying.
I have a Toney like reaction to hair in my food.
Recently, a client of mine posted signs in their parking lot
“TACTICAL PARKING ONLY”
“BACK IN TO YOUR SPOT”
or something very close. I think every time they get a new safety person it gets weirder over there.
Walter,
Thanks for the report. I did a DuckDuckGo search for “tactical parking”, and discovered this is a real thing — that somehow “tactical parking” has come to mean backing into a parking spot. I am left to infer that “strategic parking” involves backing into a parking spot, then invading Poland.
I would also note that I’m unlikely to take parking advice from somebody who is unaware that into is one word. I’m just saying.
John
We used to call that the “d-bag derby” at my last job.
It saddens me to report that the sign did in fact read “into” and that it was yours truly who did not understand the difference of “into” vs “in to”. I should pay more attention when posting.
Walter, you and the Donald must be the last two honest men. Might as well pack your bags now because, when it all gets down to dust, I’m voting for you.
John
I park tactically, but then I also deploy a tactical phone holder on my tactical belt, over which hangs such a gut I can’t see my tactical Crocs.
funny!
My iMessage (texting) app does not predict the next word, but if I go to google and google it on my phone I get “awesome,” too.
I share the same philosophy on mugs. Evidently I’m the only one in my household who does. It does seem odd to watch others drinking from mugs with my alma mater plastered all over it. I am also a mug re-user. I will rinse out my mug and leave it by the sink to use for tomorrow. I am also the only one in my household who does this. So we’ll blow through every mug in the house, including all of mine, and I will have used one before running the dishwasher for the week.
People are…….trying to find you. The hell? I admit there was that girl in Cheyenne and that hotel front desk chick in Bosie. Could be that pretty red haired Russian girl from Santa Fe. Maybe that cutie at the Kukwila mall selling essential oils, 2nd floor up by the food court. I’m hiding behind a truck stop in Phoenix right now and headed to Las Vegas around 2am. There are several people that could be looking for me there.
And as far as beer goes…I always say…”I’m not addicted… I’m devoted. There’s a big difference. An addiction has the potential to be overcome. A devotion is lifelong. No turning back. So for christ sake drink a goddamn beer.
Mugs: He has his, I have mine;the rest are random, kids a/o company. Hair in my food;YUCK! A used hairbrush in the kitchen, on the dining table(anywhere in the vicinity of food preparation or consumption, really!)would put my kids on the receiving end of one of Mama’s full-blown hissy fits! Which, trust me, they did not want to be.
My one month old phone just shit the bed so I can’t play. HTC – apparently the battery just up and dies- no warning, nothing. I’ve been without it since yesterday morning and it’s kinda nice not being tethered to the fucker.
Hair in food – unless it came off my own scalp is revolting.
I have a set of six matching mugs so there’s no telling who uses each one. I do, however, have a mug dedicated just for tea.
Mine doesn’t say anything, but it should say People are asshats. Maybe that’s because they drink too much coffee.
I have never drank a single cup of coffee, never ever. Strange that at 56 I can still say that, but I hate it. gotta get my caffeine fix thru Pepsi.
So, no coffee mugs for me. There are a few in the house, and occasionally they get used. When I empty the dishwasher I leave ’em on the counter so the coffee drinking asshats in the house can figure out where they go.
The Oscars can kiss my white ass too. Chris Rock makes a living out of being a racist, but of course we can’t say that out loud or we are labeled as racists.
Too many QODs to respond in one comment. I’ve not drunk coffee in over 20 years. Long before I quit, I had two favorite cups. One had a picture of a cat hanging by its paws from a horizontal stick. At the bottom it said, “Hang Nixon Now”. The other had a fine photo of Muddy Waters with Little Walter and Otis Spann clearly visible in the background. Under the pic it said, “I like my coffee Muddy”.
jtb
I have my mug, Chach and Nooze have theirs. We rarely share mugs, but it’s because we drink from them constantly.
I’m only territorial over my Community Coffee travel mug. I have been known to slap people for trying to use it instead of one of the other 600 in the house.
My phone predicted that People are…
Not the same thing as other things.
I have no explanation.
I’m no hero: I do send texts. But my flip phone doesn’t presume to finish them for me; nor does it have a GPS function, so it doesn’t broadcast my location to every goddamn government agency and corporate vulture waiting to overtax me or pick my pocket. It does play the following video on the rare occasions the sun peeks out from behind winter’s stormy clouds up here in the Great Pacific Northwest. I think my phone is trying to tell me that life is fleetingly short, but it might just be a glitch in the firmware.
John
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qupH9aLF4hA
While we have a collection of coffee mugs in the cabinet from various places we’ve traveled, those are for guests. the hubs and I both got ourselves some Yeti cups for coffee. 20 oz, always hot, even after a hour. It doesn’t usually take me that long to drink my coffee, but if I get pulled away at work and have to leave my coffee on my desk, I like knowing when I get back it’s still piping hot and ready to drink without having to put it in the microwave.
And on the plus side, when I’m done with coffee for the day, I rinse my cup out, fill it with ice and my favorite cold beverage and it will stay cold and unwatered down for hours on end as well.
I have no idea what my phone will auto-fill because I can’t have one at work.
I also don’t wear t-shirts with sayings on them, so you can guarantee I would never pay $24.99 for such a thing. I prefer to NOT be a walking billboard for someone else.
But I will, apparently, pay $20-$30 for a fancy coffee mug. Go figure.
Hi Lew,
1) How do it know?
2) I feel you on the advertising stuff: Nike, Starbucks, etc.; but who are you pimping for by wearing this t-shirt?
3) You work in a place that will let you view a site specializing in dick jokes but won’t let you have a phone to check on your kids? Are you a cigar roller? Do you deal in a service?
No offense. Just havin’ a little fun on a rainy Friday night. I enjoy your comments.
jtb
George Martin 1926 – 2016
In addition, RIP Keith Emerson. I saw him with ELP in the winter of 1976 – 1977. I don’t recall what month.
A bullet had found him
His blood ran as he cried
No money could save him
So he laid down and he died
.
Yeah, this is a Greg Lake-written song, but Emerson’s keyboards roared through my SpeakerLab K pentagonal speakers and filled my house and the block with some of the best progrock on the planet during the Nixon administration and after.
What a lucky man he was.
John
I was the biggest ELP fan in my youth. Redesigned their logo thousands of times on my notebooks. Emerson was my least favorite of the three. Greg Lake knock my teenaged socks off. Last year I found myself watching every interview or documentary on Youtube. I left feeling better about Keith, he seemed contrite. If this is a suicide I truly hope he rests in peace.
Jeff seems depressed again. not posting but 2-3 times a month.
Sigh