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The State of My Fat Ass: April 2014

April 10, 2014 By Jeff 27 Comments

man-frowning (1)Hello Surf Reporters! Today I’m going to interrupt the sporadic, questionable, and inconsistent “comedy,” and bring you up to date on a few things: behind the scenes kinda shit.

First of all… I don’t do this as much as I used to do, mostly because it makes me sad. But if you ever felt the urge to contribute to the Surf Report fund, today would be a perfect day to indulge your urges.

I appreciate your support, in any way you offer it. But the cash way actually helps me pay the bills. I make a little money from the site in November and December, because of Christmas shopping at Amazon. But other than that… it’s minimal. So, if you’d like to contribute to the “beer fund” (only a small percentage — no more than 75 — actually goes toward beer), please do so. I’ll be forever grateful.

Here’s your link. Thank you guys, and sorry to get all NPR on you. But the site costs money to maintain, and I’m not exactly Ted Turner over here. A few things are starting to fall through the cracks.

And the t-shirts… It’s been a disaster, which I could honestly lay at the sandal-feet of the hippie motherfuckers I was dealing with. At least for a while. I had three different people say they could make the shirts for me, and eventually backed-out. This ordeal dragged out for months, and spawned many sleepless nights, not to mention loose stools.

It’s the bar scene shirt that’s the problem, with the fish smoking a cig and drinking a beer. As it turns out, it’s super-complicated, and nobody wants to touch it. I shouldn’t have chosen that design, but had no idea. It was a rookie mistake.

Anyway, it’s gotten to the point where it’s no longer the hippies’ fault. It’s mine. The whole thing was stressing me out so much, I shut down. I didn’t even want to deal with it. I work all the time, have crap coming at me from every direction, and trying to navigate a world of flaky Wavy Gravys was the last thing I wanted to do. So, I just didn’t deal with it.

I’m sorry about that; it’s inexcusable. But the black shirts are done, and are really nice. The same place swears they can do the complicated one, and will be starting on them soon. I will send both out to you guys ASAP, and will never wade into the murky t-shirt waters again.

Finally… I had a few setbacks with the book project, and everything is currently on hold. I don’t want to talk too much about it, because there’s still a tiny glimmer of hope. But, in a nutshell, my agent sent the manuscript to several publishers, and we had no offers. A few of them had nice things to say about it, but didn’t bust out the check book.

It was a disappointment. I’d been working on it, off and on, for a couple of years. Plus, I’d never gotten so far into the process before, and was excited. But, it goes with the territory. Rejection is a HUGE part of writing.

The project isn’t totally dead, unless I decide to pull the plug. Jenny, my agent, tells me it’s salvageable and I shouldn’t give up. But, I’m discouraged. Over the next few weeks I’ll have to make a decision. It might be time to move on to the next thing.

And speaking of that… this summer there will be a gigantic change coming to our little world here. A few of you won’t like it at first, but I’m convinced it’ll be a positive, in the long run.

It’s no secret I’m not as engaged as I used to be, and that bugs me. This past Sunday I sat down with my laptop, and wrote an update the way I used to do it. I spent a couple of hours on the thing, and was laughing to myself as I wrote. It felt like old times, and made me realize how far adrift I am.

I’ve been toying with a few ideas over the past year or so… and Sunday convinced me it’s time to implement the most radical of them. So, stay tuned for that. You guys will be the first to know, once I’m ready to go with it.

Thanks for your indulgence today. Once again, here’s the Beer Fund link. And I’m not working tomorrow, so I’ll post a real update Friday afternoon. This thing will only be at the top of the page for a few hours.

In the meantime, what’s going on in your worlds? Anything new to report? Please bring us up to date in the comments section below.

Have a great day, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!

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Comments

  1. Billy Joel says

    April 10, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Faxes, taxes, and Big Macs’s

    (that was supposed to rhyme)

    Reply
  2. Melissa says

    April 10, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    Regarding the T-Shirts: I recenty moved so am no longer at the address you had on file for me. Which way would you prefer I let you know my new address (Facebook, or email?)

    Reply
  3. Stephanie C says

    April 10, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    …still looking for work here (since October). And I don’t drink beer so I cannot request that anyone contribute to an Almonds, Grapes and Cheese fund, it just wouldn’t be the same.

    Reply
  4. Darktech Kelly says

    April 10, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Here’s to hoping things ease up, Jeff. I thoroughly enjoy reading your updates, and I really hope that this book deal finds the light of day whether it be mass-published or self-published.

    If not, then I just hope you find some way to stop the candle burning at both ends. I know this because it describes my current personal experiences pretty good as well.

    Breathe deep, internet friend. I don’t quite remember how I got here years ago, but I’m glad you put this site out there – for that I thank you so much.

    Reply
  5. madz1962 says

    April 10, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    The first email I saw when I opened up my work laptop was one from my old boss. Hilarious with just the right amount of “The Big Lebowski” references to make me sit at my desk cracking a huge smile. Later, I ran into him in the hallway and we shared a few more laughs and it made me realize how much my new job sucks a pig’s ass. I’ve asked former boss to keep an eye out for me if anything opens up in his new area. I just feel like completely leaving this company and venturing out into something new. But we all know how the job market is and I’m going to be 52. There are no magical FMPs that will transport me back to my 20s.

    Reply
  6. Dogberry says

    April 10, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    I got caught up in the wild world of custom t-shirts once. never again. Sorry about the book, maybe add some zombies?

    Reply
  7. Doug says

    April 10, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    From what I saw of the new book’s contents that were getting cut, I have to think it will be a winner. Don’t give up.

    Reply
  8. squawvalleyskip says

    April 10, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Maybe another self-published novel? Some of us are waiting. As far as the t-shirts, maybe a return to the old, uncomplicated, original Smoking Fish. I’d jump at a couple Xl or LT pocket Ts ( I need a pocket) with the original Fish, the new, complicated one is, well, a little complicated and busy for a simple guy like me. My week of vacation in which I did nothing while my wife and our friend went on a Mexican cruise is coming to an end tomorrow night. I have things I should be doing, but just like the rest of the previous week, here I sit on my ass. Have a beer on me, and I call on the rest of the Surf Reporters (at least the ones of us with jobs) to hit the link and help out. Where would we be without Jeff and the site offering up a brief respite from the drudgery of daily life?

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      April 10, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      Based on your last sentence, that is EXACTLY why I bought Jeff a beer!

      Reply
  9. junkfood says

    April 10, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    After all the fun I’ve had on this site I’d vastly prefer Jeff go to one post per week that he’s happy with than trying to post more often and getting all worked up over it. Jeff deserves a break, and if it’s a once-a-week summer for the site, so be it. Hang in there Jeff!

    Reply
    • Steve in WV says

      April 10, 2014 at 4:53 pm

      Agree. Jeff, you might also consider republishing some of the early work from the Front Page site. There’s some really, REALLY, good stuff over there and there’s plenty of surf reporters who are too new to the site to have read it, and others who have forgotten all about it.

      Just publish it as a “new” update on the main page but with a small disclaimer that its a repost. I don’t feel a “classic” link like you had before would give it its due.

      Reply
  10. Angry White Guy says

    April 10, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    Working 96 hours a week ,two jobs. Both as head chefs . Owe 3874 dollars in income tax. Ready to make national news. I could use a beer myself.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      April 10, 2014 at 9:11 pm

      Damn angry where do I donate

      Reply
      • sunshine_in_va says

        April 11, 2014 at 4:05 pm

        Srsly

        Reply
  11. sunshine_in_va says

    April 10, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    I’d like it if Jeff re-published some of his old N & N updates. Change the names if you have to. Call the female “Esmerelda” and the “man” Rupert.

    I too shall contribute some beers. We’re having a good year down here (3rd in a row, in fact; makes you wonder when the shoes will drop) so why not spread it around.

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      April 11, 2014 at 1:06 pm

      “Man” was properly quoted.

      Reply
      • sunshine_in_va says

        April 11, 2014 at 4:04 pm

        I wish I could see a picture of this guy. I would imagine, however, that he would need to be seen in person – in ‘action’, so to speak – to really appreciate him.

        I’ve seen ‘Nancy types’; my mental image is sufficient.

        As for the Translucents, I’ve seen them too. In the “Village of the Damned”.

        Reply
  12. chill says

    April 10, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Jeff, I like over-hopped boutique brew and I hope you do too.

    As for updates, I prefer quality over quantity. But I’ll second that motion to run a few “encore presentations” of eggplant-era updates.

    Not much new here; my work responsibilities continue to grow while my paycheck continues to shrink.
    .

    Reply
  13. hardoxdan says

    April 10, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    Good and bad going on over here.

    My cousin, Jess, is dying of an inoperable brain tumor. She is just 50 and it breaks my heart.

    My daughter is finishing her sophomore year at WVU and is evidently having too much fun. She now tells me that she is changing schools and switching majors. So, I have pissed about $40K with little to show for it.

    Left my job of 23 years one year ago. Long story which involves a corporate merger and complete change of management. I can write my own book on how to destroy a perfectly good company. I am now self-employed in the same industry and getting my mojo back, gonna be a good ride.

    Just found out today that our Federal tax refund will be huge as I have been sending in quarterly estimates based on the wrong everything.

    Enjoy the beer.

    Reply
  14. Ed says

    April 10, 2014 at 9:48 pm

    I just gladly put some in the tip jar. Man, I so want to read the new book! As has been said already, if the stuff that’s been cut is any indication, it’s a hell of a good book. If a hypercritical bastard like me craves your writing, the publishers are wrong, or it just hasn’t gotten to the right one yet.

    Reply
  15. CIH says

    April 10, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    I’ve just written about four grand in tax payments today, and planning a wedding, so I’ve decided to share our promotional page (the link to my website) to try to get the DIY Network to come to Sistersville, WV to make over the football field so we can have the wedding we want. Feel free to like and share, or ignore as you see fit. It went live today and is doing pretty fair for such a short time. Thanks for your support.
    https://www.facebook.com/FootballFieldWedding

    Reply
  16. Jason360 says

    April 10, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    Thanks for the update on the book, Jeff. I’ve been wondering for quite a while how it’s been going. I am a huge fan of your site and have been visiting it for years. I was excited about this new book because it sounded a little like Adam Carolla’s book, which I loved…just funny stories of past craziness. Your humor is a lot like his. Keep it up, I’m sure it will get picked up when someone with the right sense of humor reads it.

    Reply
  17. Knight says

    April 10, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    Just keep ” it” up. You choose which one. Thanks for all the effort you put into “The Report”. Couldn’t live without.

    Reply
  18. jeff_in_SW_Ontario says

    April 11, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    I’ll buy ya a beer.
    Cheers!

    Reply
  19. DaveF says

    April 11, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    So there’s still time for me to order a t shirt?

    Reply
  20. Rachael Smith says

    April 12, 2014 at 11:57 pm

    Jeff, I thoroughly enjoyed the update that you were talking about. I dont have time to read everyone else’s comments, but I’m sure they agree. It was just like old times. I do want to apologize for asking about womens shaped t shirts. I received a large ration of shit from fellow surf reporters and I didn’t see what the big deal was. Now I understand how much that shit really was stressing you out. Maybe Im just lazy, ok I AM lazy, but I would have dropped that head ache a long time ago. But, you really care about us and its not your style to abandon a project or a promise. Crossroads was really great on many levels and I will tinkle myself with glee when the next book drops. HOWEVER, drop that shit, too, if its causing you more than a healthy dose of anxiety. You still got it and it fealt great to read that you felt it as well!

    Reply
  21. t-storm says

    April 13, 2014 at 1:05 am

    I love new jeff kay plans. Always a little adjustment but always better in the end.

    Reply

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