Last night at work I had a hankering (as it’s known) for something crunchy and loaded with salt. So I waddled out to the break room, and stood in front of a large sheet of plexiglass.
I was hoping for sour cream and onion Lay’s but, of course, there were none. They never have a specific item I’m looking for, I’m always forced to choose from a lineup of stuff I’d never buy in the real world.
I have to be in the mood for Doritos, they’re not a favorite. And I don’t really care for the hard and skinny road cone-orange Cheetos, either. The puffy kind are OK, but they’re sorta, you know, phallic.
They had a sack of some kind of highly-suspicious “party mix,” made by an unknown company. Not gonna happen… And regular Sun Chips are OK, they remind me of the late-great Prontos from my junior high days, but not “cracked pepper and mayonnaise” flavor, or whatever they were trying to pawn off on me last night.
Shit, man. What a sad state of affairs… I considered making the leap from salt to sugar, but that wouldn’t have done the trick. You can’t just go around turning your back on a hankering, all willy-nilly.
So I decided to try something new to me, but probably not to most of you: salt and vinegar Lay’s. Yes, that’s correct, I’m pushing 100 years old and had never tried salt and vinegar chips before. I mean, think about it. Vinegar? How utterly appetizing.
But I know those things have a following of sorts, so they can’t be that bad. Right? And since it was semi-close to what I actually wanted, I decided to roll the dice.
And here’s my in-depth review: blecch!
It tasted like Windex, or maybe hairspray. I can’t really put my finger on it… Possibly paint thinner? Of course I’ve never actually tasted those things, but it’s what immediately came to mind, when I placed one of those horrible chips on my tongue.
What a dirty trick to play on a portly man! All I wanted was something crunchy and loaded with salt, and this is what I get? I’m thinking about calling Dolores Blasengame, and filing a lawsuit.
What’s the worst flavor of chip you’ve ever encountered?
When we were in England I was amazed by the wide array of bizarre “crisps” they have for sale. Check this shit out. Cajun squirrel?? I tried something called roast chicken (I think) and it wasn’t bad — much better than those Windex chips from last night.
So, what’s the nastiest snack item you’ve ever been foolish enough to sample? And while we’re at it, what’s your favorite kind of chip? I like Lay’s cheddar and sour cream, and sour cream and onion made by just about anyone.
I’m a big fan of the regional chips, they’re usually better than the big names. However… Lay’s is pretty kick-ass, all around.
And that’s gonna do it for today, boys and girls.
I’ll see ya tomorrow.
When I moved to England for a year, my first trip to the grocers took hours. Hell, a whole hour of that was just marvelling at the variety of crisps, yet the total lack of a BBQ flavor. WTF? They had hedgehog and pickle flavor for chrissakes!
I hope you had a Peperami while you were there. It’s like a Slim Jim but a million times better because when you open the shrink wrap, you then have to unroll a tiny Peperami condom before you can eat it. The taste is okay, but the late night farts that follow are out of this world. Really. You think you’ve smelled ass. Then you eat a Peperami and find ass has a whole other dimension of smell you never imagined. It’ll cut a whole clean through your covers.
Grossest snack I liked there were pork cracklins. It’s even worse than pork rinds (there is no rind on pork, folks…that’s skin churched-up so’s you’ll eat it). It’s the fatty ear bits (maybe even some snout) fried to a toothcrackin’ crunch with the occasional fatty one that might just make Bourdain spooge over its fatty salty pork goodness.
Worst food I ever ate: Stilton Cheese (tastes like 1000-year-old panty jam–mmm mmm) and Marmite (it made me yearn for the delicious taste of Stilton…yeah, it’s that bad…it’s beyond description…just say no).
It took me a couple of tries but now I like the salt & vinegar. I wouldn’t buy a big bag because that’s just too much of a good thing but the little bags can kick any salt craving in the ass.
Oddly enough, I hate the dill pickle flavor. They taste like what I imagine licking a sweaty, stinky foot would taste like.
Does anyone eat Pork Rinds?
@Larry – Just the mere mention of pork rinds and cracklins is enough to give me a full body shiver. BuzzardBilly’s description was almost more than I could take. I think I would rather eat a whole sleeve of Jason’s fish cookies than one cracklin.
I ate pork rinds when I was on the no carb diet. They got me by but I can’t imagine anyone CRAVING them, they’re fucking nasty.
Jeff has a soft spot for those pork rinds that you cook in the microwave like popcorn, if I remember correctly.
Not surprisingly, my taste in chips is pretty much the opposite as Jeff’s. Hey, I also love mayonnaise, put pickles on my burgers and mustard and relish on hotdogs (never ketchup).
Salt and Vinegar are one of my favorites and I also like All Dressed, Cheddar, Dill Pickle and Ketchup chips. Love me the hard and skinny Cheezies too. The only flavour I would never choose (unless I was hungover/drunk and the bowl was placed in front of me) is…Sour Cream and Onion, yech.
Doritos I could take or leave. I would always choose plain nacho chips dipped in hot salsa or con queso cheese first.
I love Ketchup flavored chips. They are hard to find, but are excellent.
Traveling with my beer goggles in Thailand late night. Have ended up with fish flavored chips, yuck.
Vinegar potato chips taste exactly like a stink-bug smells.
Jason,
My sister-in-law also ate cherry pie filling straight out of the can. I have a photo somewhere of her holding a fully laden spoonful of it high over her gaping maw while it drizzled into her mouth.
Hard to imagine why she was a virgin until her late 20’s….
Buzzardbilly,
I vehemently disagree with you on Stilton cheese, but we’re in total agreement on Marmite. The question remains: Which is worse, Marmite or Vegemite?
salt and vinegar when I was pregnant, the smell alone would clear a room.
Krunchers sweet hawaiian onion..purple bag?? these are at times hard to find, but worth it if you see them. My kids, the pickiest eaters on the planet love them. I have a thing for Fishers chips(local).
I don’t like doritos of any flavor, they are horrible and heartburn inducing. gag. I love fritos with a plate of cut up cheese..my gma used to eat them like that!! 🙂
@dogberryjr The originals:
http://www.amazon.com/Classic-Chip-Tin-1lb-Chips/dp/B0006VWV2I/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1253062927&sr=8-11
We used to have these delivered to the house when I was a kid, and after the last one was gone, we’d run our fingers around the inside of the tin to get every bit of chip grease.
S&V are just okay unless they are so strong the make my nose hurt. Don’t like sour cream & onion – bad after taste. I love ripple chips and dill pickle or garlic kraft dip – not a treat I allow myself very often.
Do you remember fruit flavoured chips? So many years ago – I don’t think I ever did try them but sounds gross. When I am in the store and I see pork rinds, I think WTF – they still make those, who eats that crap.
When we were in England we got Pringles Prawn Cocktail. They are awesome; they taste like a light spicy cocktail sauce.
I agree salt & vinegar taste like chemicals
Only one type of chips in my house:
Good’s. Red and White bag. Adamstown, PA
Made right in my backyard, and fried in lard.
Today’s update was hurried?
Who’da thunk it?
Pretty much any East Coast chips make me gag…Utz, Swanson’s, Wise, Mr. Bee. WTF? These things all are fried in some sort of oil that make them taste greasy and pre-soggy. Snyder’s are about the only chips back East that are reasonabley good…and their cheese curls are the absolute best.
Best potato chip ever is the Utz Special Dark – I think that’s what they’re called. They are the ones that are *all* cooked very dark, like the ones you occasionally find in a bag of ordinary chips – as a kid I used to rummage through a bag of chips, looking for the dark ones. They are kind of intense, so I can’t eat all that many at a sitting.
Other good junk food: the wrinkly-noodle type Chee-tos, not the puffy styrofoam extrusions; Gardetto’s Snak-Ens; Cheez-its of every description, but especially white cheddar; cold pieces of cooked bacon. Almost forgot – Planter’s Dry Roasted Peanuts! One snack to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them.
I also like Japanese rice crackers (the small shiny ones) and wasabi peas.
Have to agree with Steve and Dogberry, Charles Chips rulez, best chips ever. I get them at Lowes Foods.
@ OhReally — Ibid–Middlesworth BBQ
@RNK – I had a cat named Mr. Bootyhead. He loved pork rinds (as did/does my Mom but we won’t let her have them).
@Tyrosine – Some folks like a stinky cheese. My hating it only leaves more Stilton, Gorgonzola, and Limburger for you to enjoy. Really. You should thank me. Vegemite wins by virtue of not being Marmite and nothing more.
BTW, using chocolate soft-serve ice cream (like Dairy Queen) as a dip for Snyder’s Hot BBQ chips is a dream that makes me go @.@ with glee. Really, I may have to make a Kroger run.
Best chips out there are Zapp’s from somewhere in Cajun Country. worst chips were something from Canadia that i think was roasted chicken and strawberry. Canada had lots of odd flavors of potato chips, liver and onion, tuna and licorice to name a few.
JR in Sammamish, those were MY spaghetti flavored triscuits,
Jeff,
I love Salt and Vinegar chips, but Lay’s are indeed one of the most inferior versions. Try for the sake of your personal expansion a kettle style salt and vinegar. Many of those are quite good, but you do have to like vinegar.
Do you add malt vinegar to your fish and chips?
The worst “chip” I’ve had was some Andy Capp pickled pig skin flavor pig skin chips or some nastiness. I will not google to revive that horror of a memory. Sadly, I was so hungry I greased my entire alimentary canal with a mere half snack-sized bag.
Some of the Pennsylvania heads will remember when Middleswarth came in a big drum shaped container. Strangest chip I’ve ever had was Bolognese Originales. I believe they were a Lay’s product. My favorite lately are Herr’s Ketchup flavored. Didn’t a European judge recently rule that ‘Pringles’ aren’t actually to be considered a potato chip because they aren’t made from a potato, but from dough?
@ Tyrosine, et al… Not being familiar with Miss Vickie’s fine deep-fried potato products, I idly wondered whether the Miss Vickie in question was the widow of Tiny Tim (who, according to “Chronicles” by Bob Dylan used to munch hamburgers backstage with Mr. Z.)
Just for clarity, it was Tim who shared the burgers, not Miss V, who Tim didn’t meet until 1969 (in Philly btw).
For additional clarity, Tiny Tim’s ex spells her first name without the redundant “e”, was originally Vicki Budinger, posed nude for the October 1975 issue of Oui Magazine, divorced Tim in 1977, and is today happily married and living in Savannah, Tennessee as, I suppose, Miss Vicki Budinger Tiny Benson. Mr. Benson’s first name is Jon, and perhaps Vicki has dropped the “Miss” and the “Tiny” in an attempt to start over (it’s never too late).
Miss Vickie (the chip tycoon), however, has a few things to answer for: just for starters, she’s a Canadian (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and she’s not a Miss at all. She’s been married to Bill Kerr since at least the mid-eighties. Along with the peculiar foreign language displayed on her products, this constitutes false advertising. She also sells chips with no salt, which any good American would investigate pronto.
I have uncovered no information as to whether Miss Vicki and (fake) Miss Vickie have ever met or had a steamy affair. You might think it’s too late, with both ladies well advanced into what could charitably be described as “late middle age”. Being in that condition myself, I reject the impossibility of steamy affairs at this time of life. I have to, just to make it through the night.
jtb
In some post-research research, I came across Miss Vicki’s blog. When I copy the URL into this little box, it seems to turn from a hot to a cold link, so if you want to know what Tim’s former sweetheart is up to now (it involves poultry and kittens) just copy and paste this location into your “address” field.
http://missvickinow.blogspot.com/
To my knowledge, Miss Vickie (the Canadian faux-miss chip queen) doesn’t have a blog.
I like pork rinds with Frank’s Red Hot Sauce over them..yummy
don’t like chips. but my sister and i tried worchteshire sauce flavored chips…. tasted like used deuche.
my dog and i recently shared a bag of pork rinds. i had a beer with mine. he didn’t. he’s a dog…
I’m also not a fan of extreameeeee flavors. like… hyper intense salty or sour or sweet or whatever. or any odd novelty flavored chip. i can SEE honey mustard in pretzels… or hot cheese/white cheddar popcorn… that’s actually pretty good.
but vampire bat guano? that’s what they all taste like.
Favorite regional candy bar: Idaho Spud, a potato- shaped and sized hunk of marshmallow coated in chocolate and coconut, sold in Pacific Northwest.
Favorite regional snack food: Kuntz Potato Chips, sold in southern Ohio during my college daze. They tasted good, and their name appeal was awesome for the 20-year-old male set. They washed down nicely with Gambrinus beer, a local brew that used corn as its main ingredient.
mmmmmm….pork rinds.
The salt n vinegar chip is appealing to those who may have spent time in the UK and made the effort to find a good fish & chip shop – the chips bring back the memories of those late night, after hours eateries (after hours in Britain being 11:30 pm, even in London on a Saturday night).
I will say, though, that by the time you get the last bit of chip dust on your tongue, you’ll want at least 4 beers to wash them down with. Sal-tee!
The Cape Cod ones are the best, and don’t have that “chemical” aftertaste to them like the Lays or others do.
Also on the supermarket rack these days from Cape Cod: Roasted Garlic & Parmesan – Jeff will run for the hills due to his garlic aversion, but I can’t get enough of them – ate half a bag with some soup for dinner just last night.
mmmmmm….pork rinds.
When dogberryjr mentioned Charles chips it didn’t mean anything but when I followed the link posted by –Steve it was like holy crap, I remember them. I have’nt seen them for years. That can is unmistakeable, those chips were reserved for only the finest family gatherings!
I too have farmed up a love for Salt & Vinegar, I LOVE the fact that when I open up the cabinet there’s exactly as many in that bag as there were when I put it in there. Lay’s salt & vinegar are nasty however, the vinegar on them is some sort of vinegar dust which must be like pool chlorine. So don’t base your judgement on the Lay’s S&V.
The most wonderful smell in the world is the first puff of air that comes out of a fresh bag of plain potatoe chips.
The nastiest chip in the world is Cool Ranch Doritos. They are inexplicably nasty.
Here we have Jay’s (not Lays) potato chips- They are the best as far as regular chips go.
We also used to have Geiser brand which had THE BEST cheese popcorn ever! I think they are out of business now.
@Malcom – It seems as though you are trying to say something but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I think I’m allergic to whatever Snyder’s puts on their honey mustard pretzel nuggets. My tongue goes numb and tingly.
Fritoes smells like feet and pork rinds smell like dog food.
I’m a sucker for Herr’s Flaming Hot chips tho and can never find them around here.
I just read the report and all the comments and now I’m thirsty. really, really thirsty.
Utz Special Dark rocks!
Chips don’t have that full potato chip taste until you fry their asses until DARK.
Non dark chips ‘pale’ in comparison….lol
But I’ll eat S&V(especially if they leave your lips numb after about a dozen chips), BBQ(mesquite gets bonus points!) &/or onion flavors.
Local PA chips beat national brands. Utz, Herr’s, Gibbles, Middleswarth, etc. Herr’s use to make a Mesquite bbq flavor that was great. Now it’s in their kettle cooked line and not so great.
We made a trip to Maine when daughter was about 4. She discovered Humpty Dumpty sour Cream & CLAM Flavored chips there. She ate bags of it….nobody else would touch them after trying 1 chip. GAG!
I can’t abide Doritos but I love Tostitos with the hint of lime.
Can’t beat them old barbecued port rinds. Especially the microwaveable ones.
Wise potato chips from the late 60’s (before they sold out) were the best.Fried dark and if you dropped one on paper you could eat the stain it left !
My wife gets these shrimp flavored chips from Britain. Yup. Shrimp. Nastiest thing I have ever tasted by far. On the other hand, they also make bacon flavored chips, and you can’t go wrong with bacon anything.
most disgusting snack? dried seaweed – a favorite of my Korean/Irish friend and she made it look so appetizing I had to indulge. I had that hideous taste in my mouth for THREE days
Lays makes the worst version of the Salt and Vinegar. Sorry that was your first try. The pringles version is edible but the best by far is Kettle brand. That stuff is crack I tells you.
my favorite chip is golden flake dill pickle but i just had a few handfuls and it burned my tounge and made it bleed so i guess dill pickle is my favorite and worst chip
o lunachick… i, too, got rope-a-doped into trying a seaweed chip…i gagged! BLEAH!!! healthy snack alternative my ass! small wonder that our ancestors left the seas!