The Second Half of a Half-Ass

I was talking to Steve a few days ago, and he mentioned my recent update about Murphy’s Mart.  And he brought up something I’d completely forgotten about…

In the rear of the store was a snack bar/restaurant kinda thing, and we would often have milkshakes there, or sundaes, or whatever.

And I can’t remember how we came up with such an idea, but we’d sometimes ask for a glass of water, hold a laminated menu over the top of it, turn it upside down on the table, and slide the menu out.

So, when we walked away we’d leave a full glass of water upside-down on the table.  On one occasion, at least, we even put the tip under there.

We were obnoxious little shits, weren’t we?  I’m sincerely surprised we weren’t beaten.

Have you ever noticed how time is distorted on the internet? There’s so much information and data, it almost warps the universe.

I recently received an email from a seller at half dotcom, telling me a CD had shipped to me.  I banked the information, and made an unconscious calculation as to when the package would actually arrive at my door.

And on the day it felt like I should have my new CD, it didn’t arrive.  The next day?  Nothing, again.  I started getting concerned.  Was the package lost?  Had I been ripped-off?  At least a week had passed since the notification email was sent.  Right?

Wrong.  I went back and checked, and it had only been three days.

I think I’d absorbed so much information during the interim, it altered my perception of time.  My brain knows approximately how long it takes to receive X number of “pooping at work” emails, newegg promotions, and baffling information from LinkedIn.  And apparently a recalibration is in order.

Eventually, I believe, the internet will cause the Milky Way to fly apart.

Are you aware Netflix offers episodes of TV shows that have never been released on DVD, through their Watch Instantly service?

I wasn’t, until just a few days ago.  I checked to see if the second season of Kojak had ever been released (ya gotta heart Kojak), and it hasn’t.  However… you can watch every episode, from the first five seasons, online.

I had no idea.  And I might start taking advantage of it this weekend, after the Canadian interlopers arrive.  When Nossy decides it’s time to “reward” himself, my laptop, my headphones, and I will be making a beeline for a different room.

Do you ever use the Watch Instantly service?

I’ve never watched anything that goes on for more than three minutes on a computer.  If a video is longer than that, I instantly X out of it.  (I’ve got things to do, dammit.)  So it might be difficult for me to be in front of a computer, and not bouncing from site to site.  We’ll see.

Excuse me, but I’m going to go meet Toney at Waffle House now…

OK, I’m back.  I had a ham and cheese omelet, hash browns, and bacon.  And it was extra-good.  The bacon was crispy and flat, like they fried it under a brick.  And I fully endorse brick-fried breakfast meats.

The Secrets gave Toney an oversized Crockpot for her birthday.  It came from Sam’s, and she’d been wanting it for a long time.  So they bought it for her.  You know, in a world where “they” means “Dad.”

Anyway, that thing’s so big a person could cook an entire human head inside it.  It’s humongous.  And she put something in there this morning, before leaving for work, that’s making the house smell so good I’m about to start crying.

And I’m reasonably sure it’s not a head.

When I saw Paul Weller in concert a couple months ago, a band called The Rifles opened for him.  And they sounded damn good.  I’ve been trying to find their album for a decent price, but have had no luck.  Check it out.

So, I was wondering…  Are any of you familiar with this download service?  It’s obviously British, and apparently legitimate.  Do you know of any reason why I couldn’t download the album from them?  mp3 is mp3, right?

With the current exchange rate, it would cost me about $11.50, and I’m cool wit dat.  I don’t want to get it from some illegal Russian outfit, or a service based on a barge anchored off the coast of Haiti.  I’d like the band to get paid their dime, or whatever.  Ya know?

Any reason it wouldn’t work for me?

My aunt was a teenager during the late 1960s and I remember her using the term “suck my nose!” a lot during that period.  I guess it was the “in” phrase at the time?  I don’t know.

“Oh, she can suck my nose!” she’d holler.  And, “I wanted to tell those people they could just suck my nose…”  And that sort of thing.

I was a little kid then, and took everything literally.  And the whole concept of nose-sucking made my stomach churn.  Sweet sainted mother of Spin & Marty!  Indeed, I remember my grandmother yelling at her, telling her to quit using such filthy language.

Wonder why the phrase didn’t last?  I haven’t heard anyone use it in forty years.  And it seems like a perfectly good alternative to “kiss my ass.”  Wonder why it didn’t take-hold?

What are some other kiss my asses that have become extinct?  Does “suck a rod” count?  Some guy in my high school had a t-shirt with that printed on the front, and wore it at least twice a week.  Heh.  It was homemade, with iron-on letters.

And I’ll leave you now with a simple Question:  what’s the most recent text message you’ve received on your phone?  No need to explain the context, unless you want to, just give us the message.

“Did you let him have it?” is mine.  What’s yours?

Have a great weekend, boys and girls.

Surf Report t-shirts available soon!