Toney made an executive decision this morning, and turned off my alarm clock before it could start chirpin’. And I slept for a good long time. She thought it might help me shake the cold (typhoid) that’s had me in its grip for several days. And I do feel better. By tomorrow I should be acting like a goddamn fool at almost full capacity again.
After I finally lifted myself off the platform, around 11:30 am, I went downstairs and poured a cup of coffee. “Snow?” I said, looking out the window, still unable to form full sentences. Nobody answered me, but it looked like there was three or four new inches out there.
I shuffled into the bunker, and immediately expelled about 50 cubic feet of intestinal gas. Then, right on cue, Toney walked in and started to tell me something. She got about five words into her first sentence, stopped, and changed her expression to something equal measures surprise, fear, and revulsion.
Then she fled, mumbling a string of words that I’m fairly certain included “disgusting” and “pig.”
After I stopped laughing, I played around on the internet for a few minutes. I noticed that Suggestaholic was down, because I’d failed to renew the domain name. So, I went over to GoDaddy and sent them seven bucks — and my dead site was alive again. But, of course, it’s still dead, when you get right down to it. I haven’t posted anything there for months.
Toney and I shoveled the driveway. And when we finished, one of the Secrets asked if we could get Chinese food for lunch. I looked at Toney and she shrugged, which means, “Sound good to me.”
So, I took a quick shower and was seated in front of a steaming platter of cashew chicken before I knew it. Good stuff. Ever since that place removed their buffet table (hick hook), it’s become really good. We’re there twice a month, at least. And they usually seat us at “our” table.
After the Big Chinese Feed we went to Target, for some reason. It seemed almost deserted when we walked through the doors, but it was deceiving. What the customers lacked in number, they more than made up for with obnoxiousness.
It felt like everyone in the store was inconsiderate and pushy. People would come rocketing out of side aisles, shoving red carts full of kitty litter and enormous bras, cut us off and just keep on movin’. Nobody was respecting anyone’s personal space, and big white trash mamas were SCREAMING at their filthy monster children:
“Amber! Don’t do that, Amber!! No, put that down. Did you hear me? PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!! Do you want Mama to buy you a sody? Well, you’d better put that down! AMBER? AMBER, YOU LISTEN TO ME!!”
I could feel an aneurysm bubbling-up on the surface of my brain.
Here’s an idea… Maybe you should do something besides holler, you acid-wash, snaggle-tooth hag. Hollering ain’t gonna cut it. In case you haven’t noticed, Amber isn’t listening anymore. Long ago she stopped hearing the loud noises that emanate constantly from your discount cigarette hole. So, do something, besides screaming inside retail stores.
I also saw a guy there whose head was way forward, his neck hyper-extended. Know what I mean? What do they call that condition, headlong? I’m not sure, but he also had a severe underbite. So, if he ever walked into a wall, his lower jaw would arrive first, followed by his nose, and his forehead. Then, a long time later: his body.
I started wondering, as I watched this curious dude putter around the battery aisle, about his swallowing abilities. Will a throat work horizontally? Does a swallow rely on gravity a great deal, or can it be accomplished straight across like that? I’m unclear on it, but I’d like to know.
After Target we went to Wegmans, where I purchased a six-pack of Fuller’s London Pride. They didn’t have any in the cooler, so I was forced to buy ’em at room temperature. But that problem was quickly solved, once we got home.
Check out my fancy backyard beer cooler. Man, that shit works too!
And that’s the reason this one is late. Did you notice any writing time in there anywhere? Yeah, neither did I. Not an ounce of writing time.
But on this final update of 2009, I want to thank you guys again, for coming here every day and participating in the ridiculousness. I appreciate it more than you know.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to continue drinking…
Happy New Year, everyone!
Now playing in the bunker
Evil Twin shirts only $12, thru Thursday!
is it really possible that I am FIRST?
Happy New Year all!!
Stay off the road, you drunk bastards. Especially when I’m driving home from work tonight. It’s always the sober ones who don’t make it home on nights like these. And sadly, I’m very sober.
“I also saw a guy there whose head was way forward, his neck hyper-extended. Know what I mean? What do they call that condition, headlong? I’m not sure, but he also had a severe underbite. So, if he ever walked into a wall, his lower jaw would arrive first, followed by his nose, and his forehead. Then, a long time later: his body.
God I love you, Jeff.
Have a good night knowing 2010 is YOUR YEAR!
The Book will happen-it will.
:: Cheers ::
To all of the surf reporters!!
Wow! top Five?!?! and I even read the ujpdate! What ever Weigman’s is I want a place to get ‘Fullers anything’ here in Spokompton
Happy New Year!
I’m working here on nightshift and am completely sober! ( Possibly the only person in Scotland to be awake and without a drink!)
Jeff, thanks for all the laughs in 2009. I’m eager for some more to make 2010 even more enjoyable.
(If you ever make it to your patch of Scotland, give me a shout and I’ll get you a pint, or two, in person.)
To the rest of you, I hope 2010 is at least as good, if not even better, as last year was for you.
All the best,
Ian
Happy New Year Surf Reporters!!! I’m hoping this is the beginning of the decade of my good luck, because the past decade ate it from the ass in. And, thank you Jeff. Your non-blog is the highlight of my day or every few days, whatever. Let us now commence the consumption of mass quantities of alcohol, or not.
Happy New Year.
Here I am working on nightshift at 1.32 am as New Years Eve (Hogmany) means nothing to me now.
Being Scottish, its the most overhyped night of the year. The pressure on you to have a ‘great time’ because there is an unspoken is laughable. Most New Years Eves from my past have ended badly, with a long walk home in sleet due to a lack of taxis, sickness or general stupidity brought on through alcohol abuse.
On the way in to work I witnessed a ‘gaggle’ of teenage girls wearing what appeared to be black vests (just a bit inapropriate for -10!) who were struggling with the combination of stilletoe heels, deep snow and Mad Dog 20/20.
It took me back to my youth – not the stilletoes though!
Jeff, if you ever make it to your patch of Scotland be sure to give me a shout. I’ll get you a few pints in person.
Thanks for all the laughs in 2009.
You always cheered me up at those points when I was not having the best of times.
Here’s to 2010!!
sorry about the duplication guys.
First error of 2010!!
‘Fuckin A!’
Jeff, Ian, amigos,
Thankfully, few words I know hae a > rotated 90 degrees clockwise in them, because that key is stuck down. sit, now I’m losing the h key. I probably hae one more h to type. yup, that was it. my keyboard is dying as the old, crappy year dies. perfect.
I treasure you all and enjoy your posts. Since I don’t drink alc (try typing with two letters missing), I’ll find some other way to woop it up.
I wis you joy and laugs and good ealtj in the new year.
loe & kisses as always….jtb
¡?????bo? ???? ?o ??o? ?o1 ? ???? ?? ?do?
¡?uo????? ‘???? ??u ?dd?? .bu??? ???? ??? 11? ??qos bu??q s??? ?u????? o? ???? ??? ?
Well that didn’t work like I thot it would.
Happy New Year, everyone! Hope we have a lot more together.
BTW…how many domains does Jeff own?
Happy New Year Jeff and all.
Oh, yeah . . .#12!!! HNY to me.
Happy New Year everyone! I for one am very happy to see the last of 2009. Let it be known that this year sucked ass and I hope I’ll never have another year like it.
I learned a few very valuable things in the past year.
1. You never know when someone is going to flip out on you….(even the people you’d never expect it from.)
2. Men over the age of 40 who like old, dirty things have poor judgement when it comes to money.
3. Women over the age of 40 are high jacked by hormones and prone to violent fits of head banging on red trucks that tailgate them and honk the horn.
4. Beer solves a majority of problems but it makes your butt grow.
5. Reading the WVSR, along with the other blogs I enjoy can always bring a smile to my face.
Thanks Jeff and everyone else for being a bright spot in my days!
Funny about the obnoxious people. I stopped at the grocery store today, Breaux Mart, not the Krogers by the toll bridge.
I was going to pick up a nice roast to put in the crock pot for tomorrow so I could nurse my head if it was necessary and still have a meal on the table without to much effort. I had my hand on a nice beef roast when a little old lady snatched it out of my hand and pushed me away from the meat counter. I stood there for a second looking at her and a gentleman beside me started laughing.
What the hell?
I just looked at him and said well, I guess there’s not going to be any pot roast for me, the old lady just groaned and continued to leer over my roast.
This all took place after some jerk cut me off in the parking place and took my nice sot right beside the door.
Happy New Year Everyone!!
Bumblebee darlin, the old people are WILD in this city. I fear for my life every Tuesday! And the days before snow storm or major holiday are bad too.
P.S. ( It helps if you’re farty and they’re juicy and noisy farts. They avoid you if you do that.)
Tammie, are you in NOLA? I’m looking for somebody to hang out with if you are, I’d love to meet you. I can also tell you Jeff stories of his younger days, LOL!!
Jeff,
Thanks for all the laughs this year and I am looking forward to your book.
Your new cooler is known as a Canadian Refrigerator in my circle of friends.
Happy New Year, Jeff!
I’m totally with WVKay, this whole decade was the worst ever and I’ll be glad to see it kissing my ass instead of kicking it. So, Happy New Year/Decade fellow Surf Reporters! It’s been swell hanging out with you all for the last year or so. Here’s hoping to more good times.
Jeff, you had me at “headlong”. 😉
Happy New Years to all my fellow Surf Reporters!
You make my day (and night), an honor.
This year will be better. A little birdy has told me so…
I am not ashamed to say 2009 was a great year for us. So many blessings and luck landed our way. I am looking fwd to twenty ten and all of the innovation it will bring.
Wishing all of this for fellow surf reporters.
If you had a bad year, it just HAS to get better!
:: cheers ::
I also had to make a quick stop at Target, and realized that my liberal upbringing failed miserably as I was surrounded by a gaggle of short, swarthy types screaming hysterically back and forth over the great deal to be had in plastic sandals. I shushed them loudly and invited them loudly to shut their fucking cakeholes. The patriarch who was screaming into his Zack Morris sized cell gave me a horrible look and I asked him if he’d like his Nehru collared shirt stuffed up his ass. They actually started taking photos of me with their phones and now I’m afraid I’m gonna end up as a thread on Stormfront.org. All I wanted was some Tide with Downey and now I’m tormented by thoughts of latent racist tendencies. Oh well, I am from the upper pierogie belt. Happy New Year!
Ok…here we go…Wanna play?
WVSR..isms. Favorite weirdness words or pharses that have shown up here over the years as we move to twenty ten….ie, rectal plate and whistle dick (sorry to take that one) but you get the gist. “I just spurted” hall of fame stuff.
Like…crap catcher [craptorium derived from the Latin]
Just a thought…like wearing a tin foil hat in a lightening storm. Not just Jeffs stuff. You Sufers have a way with words. Deal or no Deal?
Jeff, it sounds like Santa needs to bring you a snow blower next year. About the only upside of being in an apartment instead of my old house is I dont havta snowblow or shovel steps. It sounds like the Wal-Mart crowd has creeped into your Target. The Target where I live generally has a better class of citizen than the Wal-Mart does. That goes for the employees too. Happy New Year everyone!
Mark
Here is a typical Canadian Refrigerator…
http://www.guzer.com/pictures/canadian_fridge.jpg
When I said “not just Jeff’s stuff” ….Well he actually is the slap-dash anointed patron saint, “Humorous Atanycost”…”And so shall his writen word be brought to those who cannot read”….is what his mission has been,
Oh shit my head hurts…
Amigos,
Used WD-50 on the keyboard (why mess around) and have temporarily recovered the h and v that were previously stuck in the down position, undoubtedly by a sticky, viscous liquid.
At 0445 PT and 0745 ET, I am, perhaps, the only sober, non-hungover person on the site. A rather dubious honor I think.
Bumblebee & (perhaps) Tammie, Empress of Bananastan:
I’ve spent four seperate weeks in NOLA over the last 20 years (all before Katrina) and, having visited most of America’s major cities and a bunch of its minor ones, nothing compares with your wonderful town. Even a powerful Republican administration couldn’t destroy it. They’re tryin’ to wash us away, they’re tryin’ to wash us away.
I’ve stayed in the Quarter on my visits, and walking the streets of the Vieux Carre beats doing anything at all in Manhattan, Chicago, LA or San Francisco. I hope with all my heart that, in 2010, New Orleans will continue to recover, and regain its crazy collisions of cultures and races. The food and the music and the street jabber are unique, vivid, and energizing.
.
Chuck:
The French underground says thanks for the coded message but they’ve already kicked the German pissants back to Berlin with a little help from their friends. They pronounced pissants kinda funny, but I think I got the idea.
.
Ian:
I always enjoy your posts, and think of Grandpa Jack from Hurlford every time I read them. He’s been gone these 52 years, but I read your words with his Gaelic brogue and I can hear him again. After immigrating as a brick mason’s apprentice at age 17, he found a way to the other side of the country and married my grandmother. We used to sit on the davenport together and watch baseball, which he had become a fan of, with Dizzy Dean and Pee Wee Reese calling the game. I never could pronounce Hurlford the way he did, and wouldn’t attempt to pronounce the Rabbie Burns poems he used to recite in Gaelic, but I was totally hooked on them. New Years time spawns memories.
.
Dorothy,
Sorry about the patronizing posts you had to endure the other day. I’m closer to your age than to the ages of most of the correspondents on this site, and I know the posts were intended to be filled with affection. I suppose you know that too, but at 75 you probably shouldn’t have to put up with “cute”. Please keep posting; I always enjoy reading what you have to say. On this early New Year morning, let me serenade you with the last verse of a song written by Jerome Kern and Dorothy Fields and sung by the incomparable Fred Astaire in “Swing Time”.
Lovely … Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won’t you please arrange it ?
‘Cause I love you … Just the way you look tonight,
Just the way you look to-night.
.
Jeff,
Thanks for your writing and all the crap you have to go through to post every weekday. Reading you is always a pleasure. And thanks for Butch Walker. He’s now on my clock radio, and I awake to “The Weight of Her” every morning.
.
Thank you, everyone, for your posts. They lighten my days and nights and often cause me to propel small vegetables into my sinus cavities whilst I’m dining.
with affection….jtb
Damn, sorry about the length of that post. Guess I rambled a little. All the more amazing, because Padraig is sleeping in my office chair, and I typed the entire thing while standing, hunched over the keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis. Like Jerry Lee, it was a Killer.
Padraig is snoring, and so should I.
jtb
I don’t live in Nola. I live in an undisclosed location that resembles Bumblebee’s description.
I would tell everyone where I live but alas, I already have too many stalkers and not enough trees to accommodate them.
Tammie,
I doubt you’ll pick up many stalkers on this site, but the focus of my comments was the Big Easy. It is a sad and also a hopeful American story. I didn’t mean to imply that you were either Big or Easy. If you really have multiple stalkers, I suspect your location was leaked somewhere else. For cripin out loud, call the po-lice and get into the witness perfection program, or cut down the trees and run the bastards down.
jtb
Johnthebasket….the stalker reference was a joke. Mark used to comment on here about sitting in my tree stalking me. I guess I should have been more specific for the newbies on here. Sorry.
P.S. My husband says I’m big and easy. I think that’s why he likes me so much. LOL
My head is broke and I am so tired. It’s cold gin time again.
Tammie,
OK. Women can be abused in a variety of ways, and I was obligated to make sure you were a-jokin’ — thus my off-the-wall comment about big and easy. I’ve only been here as a regular since 2006, although I dropped by from time to time before that. I know many of you all have spent much longer together.
I hope your husband adds “funny” to whatever adjectives he uses, because “Beer solves a majority of problems but it makes your butt grow” is a stone winner. Happy New Ears…jtb
I just spurted. And happy New Year!
Tammie/JTB…wasn’t it the old wise one Homer J. Simpson that said “ah beer, the source and solution to all my problems”? You are indeed in very very good company.
@johnthe basket—i think i love you!!!
Jeff—happy next decade. you have kept me laughing and blowing lemonade thru my nose for years. and a lot of times, the comments section does the same. my son (who comments under the name dorothy’s secret) turned me on to the site and i’ve been grateful ever since. he gets the most in the will.
Happy New Year Surf Reporters….
Chalk last night up in the “Old and Boring” column. Got home from work, cracked open a cuppa two tree beers, snacked on cheese & crackers, then promptly assumed supine position and went to sleep.
The youngest Secret woke me @ 11:58 pm to see if I wanted to watch the ball drop & see the fireworks Pittsburgh shoots off in their annual “First Night” celebration.
That lasted a good 3 minutes then I switched over to ABC to hear poor old Dick Clark slurring iz anudder yere here in Timezzkware in NooYorSee-ee an wishhnyoo ahl a HammyNyooYeere
Fuck Dick, it’s time dude. Let it go, man, just let it go.
One small bonus was right after switching of the scene in Times Square, I was flipping through the channels and happened upon the very beginning of “A Clockwork Orange”. I hadn’t watched that in a long time and what better way to usher in 2010 than with a little ultra violence with Alex and his Droogs…?
Time for another cup of coffee and catch up with what’s happening on the World Wide Webs. Hope everyone has a safe and sound 2010. This year HAS to be better than the last.
Peace.
Jimmy Kuhn….oh, how you have been missed. Where you been?
Did my first good deed of the year today! Wife & I decided to forgoe Christmas this year no decorations or presents just donations to local soup kitchens, toys for homless, animal shelters etc! Woke up Christmas morning WTF! No Tree No Presents Santa hadn’t even touched the J.D. left lovingly by the fireplace! Borrowed my grinning next door neighbor (and his F150) and “liberated” a Scots Pine from the local garden centre! Spent Christmas morning decorating the tree a new tradition in our house!
The people who own the garden centre live right on the property so I drove over this morning & fessed up! The owner was grinning from ear to ear it seems he and his Fambly were laughing their asses off Christmas morning watching two middle aged guys struggling over a chain link fence with one of their trees! He casually mentioned that as I have been buying my trees there for 20 years he kind of figured I might just show up and pay for it!
Happy New Year everyone!
johnthebasket
NOLA is new for me I’ve only been here a few months. It is sad to see the damage still prevelant from Katrinia. there are 4 houses empty and untouched and 3 or 4 empty lots on my street vacant from Katrinia. There are new businesses reopening every week and the people here are still working towards getting back to where they were 4 years ago.
The food and music here are great but locals don’t go to Bourbon, or so I’ve been told. We have been a few times and it’s always CRAZY, but fun!!
New Orleans is just a much bigger city than I am used to. Hay I remember when Dunbar got it’s first stop light and when McDonalds when in it was a record day!!
I think I over stayed my welcome last night and I live here. I remember someone saying, “Did he have a hat?” and as far as I know there were no guests.
So it”s red beers for breakfast [make that lunch] with a side of asprin and a B-12 tablet.
Oh…I’m in love with Jeff Beck’s bass player. I finally proclaimed that last night. My kinka girl. Too cool!!
Hi Jimmy Kuhn. And ditto dorothy from jtb….I’m 56 and my Dad is a prickish bastard at 80 who has a great sense of humor. My Mother-in-Law is 87 and a loaded pistol. Just a few years back she took me aside and said..”You know David, a hard man is good to find” and she was talking about her new husband Dwight.
Ok… that’s it for me…gone zip zero nada. I’m going to go be a leaf for a while like Shiny Rod (what the hell happened to you man?). Later surfers…I’m going to try and get a gig in Jeff Beck’s horn section. Their trumpet player sucks!
One more thing go over here http://mockable.org/ and tell that prick what you think
This one should go on the greatest hits album, funny as hell.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
The New Years celebration is done and over and I can still proudly proclaim that I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in my entire life! I just never saw anything positive about it, so I don’t do it. But I do have trouble in other areas, which i’m striving to overcome in this new year.
Jeff – to answer your question about swallowing, No, throats don’t work too well horizontally. I use to get the ol’ acid reflux real bad when i’d be laying in bed. Now I have a foam wedge under the head of my mattress to prop me up, which seems to help somewhat.
The last decade was happy for us overall. Our secret is 10yrs old so that sums it up pretty much and kind of explains how we brought the new year in watching hour after hour of America’s Funniest Home Videos. We did switch over to The Three Stooges at 11pm until it was time to switch to Times Square at midnight.
It was a big deal for our boy to stay up late so it was fun for us, too. Free fun and no hangover. I had a cuppa two tree white russians but dey don’t count.
Hap Hap Happy New Year to Jeff, the Kay fambly, and all you Surf Reporters & famblies out there around the world. Jeff, I look forward to your updates and can’t wait for your book. Reporters, your comments have become familiar, hilarious, and sometimes poignant voices in my head. Peace and prosperity to all of you!
I’m writing this late as usual, so its already tomorrow where you are. Is there any point?
@ JTB
Did you know that Hurlford is about 3miles SE of Moscow? No, really, it is.
JCIII- I hope the youngest secret did not want to see any more of ‘A Clockwork Orange’ – ‘ dat shit will fuck him up good!’ What scheduler would put that on at midnight on NYD anyway? Its a good movie but a strange way to usher in a new decade.
30 miles south- try Omeprazole. It works for me anyway.
I dont know if any of you guys will be interested but there looks to be an interesting show on BBC Radio 2
on Tuesday night (22:30 GMT)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00pkbs4
Its about Elvis and how he wanted to be a spy for NIxon. (?!!)
On the cans now; The Specials – ‘Gangsters’
Thank YOU Jeff for keeping us entertained on a semi-daily basis! I look forward to an email from the wvsr every day!!!
Jeff, and all the other Surf Reporters, Thanks for another great year. You guys are the absolute best!
Happy New Year folks.
Happy New Year!
Jeff, Surf Reporters, TILLY, you have all been such an amazing source of laughs, and I can’t tell you how much you are appreciated. I am one of the few who can’t get thewvsr at work, but that is ok. Due to work obligations, my husband and I live in separate states, so, when he and I can’t be together, I spend my evenings catching up with my invisible friends. You all have helped to make a difficult situation a lot more bearable.
Oh, and speaking of not getting thewvsr at work – AWG, don’t listen to TILLY. When she says *flirt* with the IT guy, I am pretty sure it is a euphemism. Just like when she said she *sweet talked* her way backstage at a MegaDeath concert in ’88.