Toney made an executive decision this morning, and turned off my alarm clock before it could start chirpin’. And I slept for a good long time. She thought it might help me shake the cold (typhoid) that’s had me in its grip for several days. And I do feel better. By tomorrow I should be acting like a goddamn fool at almost full capacity again.
After I finally lifted myself off the platform, around 11:30 am, I went downstairs and poured a cup of coffee. “Snow?” I said, looking out the window, still unable to form full sentences. Nobody answered me, but it looked like there was three or four new inches out there.
I shuffled into the bunker, and immediately expelled about 50 cubic feet of intestinal gas. Then, right on cue, Toney walked in and started to tell me something. She got about five words into her first sentence, stopped, and changed her expression to something equal measures surprise, fear, and revulsion.
Then she fled, mumbling a string of words that I’m fairly certain included “disgusting” and “pig.”
After I stopped laughing, I played around on the internet for a few minutes. I noticed that Suggestaholic was down, because I’d failed to renew the domain name. So, I went over to GoDaddy and sent them seven bucks — and my dead site was alive again. But, of course, it’s still dead, when you get right down to it. I haven’t posted anything there for months.
Toney and I shoveled the driveway. And when we finished, one of the Secrets asked if we could get Chinese food for lunch. I looked at Toney and she shrugged, which means, “Sound good to me.”
So, I took a quick shower and was seated in front of a steaming platter of cashew chicken before I knew it. Good stuff. Ever since that place removed their buffet table (hick hook), it’s become really good. We’re there twice a month, at least. And they usually seat us at “our” table.
After the Big Chinese Feed we went to Target, for some reason. It seemed almost deserted when we walked through the doors, but it was deceiving. What the customers lacked in number, they more than made up for with obnoxiousness.
It felt like everyone in the store was inconsiderate and pushy. People would come rocketing out of side aisles, shoving red carts full of kitty litter and enormous bras, cut us off and just keep on movin’. Nobody was respecting anyone’s personal space, and big white trash mamas were SCREAMING at their filthy monster children:
“Amber! Don’t do that, Amber!! No, put that down. Did you hear me? PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!! Do you want Mama to buy you a sody? Well, you’d better put that down! AMBER? AMBER, YOU LISTEN TO ME!!”
I could feel an aneurysm bubbling-up on the surface of my brain.
Here’s an idea… Maybe you should do something besides holler, you acid-wash, snaggle-tooth hag. Hollering ain’t gonna cut it. In case you haven’t noticed, Amber isn’t listening anymore. Long ago she stopped hearing the loud noises that emanate constantly from your discount cigarette hole. So, do something, besides screaming inside retail stores.
I also saw a guy there whose head was way forward, his neck hyper-extended. Know what I mean? What do they call that condition, headlong? I’m not sure, but he also had a severe underbite. So, if he ever walked into a wall, his lower jaw would arrive first, followed by his nose, and his forehead. Then, a long time later: his body.
I started wondering, as I watched this curious dude putter around the battery aisle, about his swallowing abilities. Will a throat work horizontally? Does a swallow rely on gravity a great deal, or can it be accomplished straight across like that? I’m unclear on it, but I’d like to know.
After Target we went to Wegmans, where I purchased a six-pack of Fuller’s London Pride. They didn’t have any in the cooler, so I was forced to buy ’em at room temperature. But that problem was quickly solved, once we got home.
Check out my fancy backyard beer cooler. Man, that shit works too!
And that’s the reason this one is late. Did you notice any writing time in there anywhere? Yeah, neither did I. Not an ounce of writing time.
But on this final update of 2009, I want to thank you guys again, for coming here every day and participating in the ridiculousness. I appreciate it more than you know.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to continue drinking…
Happy New Year, everyone!
Now playing in the bunker
Evil Twin shirts only $12, thru Thursday!
@ Ian the Errolite a.k.a. Grandpa Jack….
Misleading when I call him the “youngest” secret. He’s 16 and pretty much seen & heard it all by now.
But to answer directly, after the fireworks show was over, he scuttled back to his room to his computer games, where he continued to blow the heads of zombies or sniper shoot Nazis or whatever those games are about.
Like I said, I’m getting older and really boring.
Happy New Year to all. I thought I’d share a few ridiculous names I’ve come across in the past couple of days.
From this morning’s paper — Chinook Bacon
And a young (allegedly) recovering addict who came to my door trying to sell me magazine subscriptions was named Tinnacy (pronounced Tennessee) Williams. I thought I misheard what she said, but then she produced her “work ID”.
2010 has started out even more awesome than I predicted. I’ve been on a 3 day drunk and I see no reason not to extend it to a 5 day drunk. Plus it’s nice and cold outside, 28 degrees I think.
Happy New Year everyone! Got home 4AM NYE….or I should say NY morning. We are just peeling our disgusting selves off the couch now to go out to dinner or something to get the stink blown off….unless we freeze first. It’s friggin’ 8 degree’s in da’ Burg.
Jeff: “Maybe you should do something besides holler, you acid-wash, snaggle-tooth hag.” CLASSIC! This is why I love it here.
That is all. It’s too dang cold down here to say anymore without risking my lower non-prognathous jaw freezing off. Hol-ee cow!
Shiny Rod says
Happy New Years Surf Reporters, friends and well whoever. Hope 2009 was good to you. Mine sucked in spots but I made it through.
My video project is being aired now on local community television. It was a lot of hard work and a few set backs but it all came together in the end. For those who live in the Raleigh viewing area. RTN 10 at 5:00 PM on Sunday and 4:30 PM on Tuesday. So now, I can add Community TV Producer to my accolade of talents.
Yeah, it sucks to be me. So maybe you see more of me around here again. Maybe not. Who knows, stay frosty and keep looking for me. I may show up where you least expect it.
One of my best friends just published her book and I am leaving her site here. Check it out, the book was excellent and she is already doing book tours to promote the literature. http://tinyurl.com/y8qznvf
Chuck in Belpre says
Borders needs a copywriter. Just sayin.
Rat Bastard says
Happy New Year, everyone. Like a lot of you guys, 2009 sucked for me too and I guess I’m glad to see it over and done with. I’m hoisting my 4th beer of the day to you all right now and sincerely hoping that things only get better for all of us. Thanks for letting me vent here in the comments for the past several months; it might not seem like much but it definitely helped me through some things.
My New Year’s eve was pretty damned decadent. I’d been up for at least 48 hours then invited a bunch of friends to a party at my soon-to-be vacated home. I think I eventually passed out on the living room floor around 4 or 5am and woke up to find only a minor level of destruction, which was amazing considering the caliber of my friends. Nothing broken except a soup bowl that I personally hurled across the kitchen.
JTB: New Orleans is indeed an amazing city. I’ve said this a lot recently (brought on by all the shit I’ve been dealing with) — if I didn’t have such good friends and family here in Western PA, I would just pack up my guitars, amp and records and move to New Orleans and leave everything else behind. A friend and I are going there again in a few months and I’m really looking forward to cold beer and seafood gumbo at Coop’s on Decatur St.
Over and out; it’s damned freezing here in Pittsburgh and I have to move shit over at my friend’s house that I’m moving into.This is the third time I’ve had to move during the month of January in the last 10 years and it’s getting pretty damned old…
Cheers and stay warm, Surf Reporters.
White Trash Barbie says
Scary night at Barbie’s dream house last night. Shouting and a shoot-out in the street ended with a man dead in the next door neighbor’s yard. The neighbor from across the street has already been taken into custody, and the news is reporting that he (the across the street neighbor), the dead man and the dead man’s brother had some sort of altercation which escalated to the shooting. Crazy.
When did Jeff grow a beard? http://tinyurl.com/y8qr5f8
Rat Bastard says
Barbie, wow that’s fucked up. At least there wasn’t any collateral damage. If things escalated to that point I’d bet that someone had a major beef to take it that far. Or, they were just stupid drunk. I’d hope it was the former rather than the latter.
Swami Bologna says
Hey, y’all, check out Jeff’s updated “About” page (http://thewvsr.com/index.php/about/) — he says some nice things about us dopes.
Hey J.K. You think Target is bad you ought to Google “The People Of Walmart” Aliens I tell you. Men in Black’s got nothing on them. Oh and while the London Pride is better cool you really should try it at about 53 degrees – the ground tempature in England – That’s the proper tempature for full flavor – the bitter the better – not that I’m a beer snob, but I rarely drink the dark stuff chilled to just above freezing or from a frozen glass. That’s what American Beer is for – on a hot as hell July afternoon fishing or grilling or whatever.
Another reason the English drink warm beer. They all have Lucas Refrigerators – (English Vehicle Joke).
Cheers to you all. 09 wasn’t too bad and 10 will be even better as it breings me a year closer to RETIREMENT!!!! 13 months to go – 28 pay checks – 54 weeks 2160 hours but who’s counting.
Chuck in Belpre says
Lucas aka ‘The Prince of Darkness’
Not Oprah says
wtb – disturbing stuff. Keep us informed on the details.
Sunday Night, just checked in for a few laughs, & now find myself atop a stool attaching the rope to the light fixture! LOSE THE JANUARY BLUES PEOPLE! WE ARE ALL BREATHING, WARM AND LOVED!!
@Rat Bastard: The Big Easy is a frame of mind Mon Ami, you can enjoy it anywhere! 2010 could be your best year ever!!!
@Shiny Rod stop talking to your friend! By reading the synopsys of her book It’s Sooooooo obvious she stole Jeff’s idea for his! the plot and characters are virtually the same!!!
@white trash barbie: never get a couple of siblings feuding over you! It always ends in tears!
@Lazerboy my first car was an M.G. Miget which i customized with roll bars & a fibreglass malcom hood BRG and 0-60 in two hours,In those days Lucas was affectionately known as the Prince of darkness!!! Oh! and drinking London Pride ice cold: The eighth deadly sin!
Just think if H.B.O. wasn’t a repeat tonight , you wouldn’t be reading this crap:)
Rat Bastard says
Pagan — let’s hope so. Thanks for the goodwill.
Rat Bastard says
OK, decided to not sleep today since I have to be at work in 3 hours anyway so I’m checking back in. Driving to work is going to be a fun time because it’s been below freezing here for the last week or so and the city of Shitsburgh is very lax on taking care of the roads. On that note, I know a lot of us are living in the deep freeze, so here’s one for you: what is the best winter vehicle you’ve had the pleasure of driving?
For me, it’s a tie between a 1992 Toyota Tercel and a 2003 VW Golf. Both front wheel drive stickshifts…went like motherfuckers in the snow. My truck, by contrast, does nowhere near as well even with 200 pounds or so of sandbags over the rear axle.
That’s all I have for now…maybe it’ll keep us busy until Jeff can get something new posted. Cheers.
Shiny Rod says
Pagan – First to publish, first to profit! Jeff, get back in the Yurt and get busy.
Chuck in Belpre says
’74 VW Beetle. That car would go places trucks would not. Great snow vehicle.
Rat Bastard: WHAT IS the deal with the roads here in the Burg? WTF man? They act like it’s the first time they’ve seen snow…..drivers included. What a fucking mess this AM to get into the city. It’s ridiculous how every news station has some poor soul doing a
report out in the elements at the salt mound on how much salt the city has and that they are “ready for action”. I have an SUV too. Slid backwards down my entire driveway. Quite a ride. Some day I will end up in my neighbors livingroom. Phuck dat.
Rat Bastard says
bikerchick — PGH Public Works is a goddamned joke. I live in the flats so they never salt anything here until there is an accident. I think that salt mound they show on TV is just a prop. I was walking home the other morning and thanks to the 2″ of solid ice on my street, some moron using it as a high speed cut-through sideswiped a few of the neighbors cars. Stay safe out there; you’d think that the city would have a damned system down pat by now, but no….