About 6 or 7 years ago, I met Jeff Kay when National Lampoon approached us to work on a book together. The book never got off the ground, but in the time since I’ve come to know Jeff through the WVSR, as well as in the “real world.” We all adopt personas when we go online, and Jeff is no different. But what many of his readers don’t realize is that his online persona is so unlike who he really is, that you simply wouldn’t recognize the man if you met him on the street. Here are just a few notable examples:
Jeff Kay loves abbreviations. It’s never a conversation. It’s a sation. They’re not appetizers. They’re tizers. The worst thing is that these aren’t even the standard idiotic abbreviations that every insufferable prick with a popped collar tosses around. They’re his own creations, so he has to explain himself more often than not, which pretty much defeats the purpose of abbreviating in the first place.
Jeff cannot find West Virginia on a map. This isn’t because of the notoriously bad West Virginia public school system. It’s because he’s never been there. Jeff was born and raised in the Cayman Islands, where his family hides its considerable fortune. Jeff’s father is the man responsible for many of the disgusting products Jeff shills via his Further Evidence links. If you’ve ever clicked through and purchased some Japanese armpit hair or an embroidered dildo cozy, you’re just tossing a few more nickels into the Kays’ considerable coffers. The one time Jeff did consider visiting West Virginia was when he, and I quote, “wanted to bait a snare with a bag of meth and catch a hillbilly that we can pay in Mountain Dew to mow the lawn.” His words. Not mine.
Jeff Kay named his fists. He calls the right one Remington and the left one Pennington. Whenever he enters a bar, he holds them up and proclaims, “Any of you jokers crack wise, and you’ll be having a little sation with Mr. Remington and Mr. Pennington here.” He’ll proceed to make the fists talk for themselves, a pathetic bit of ventriloquism where they say things like “exactamundo fellas” and “you heard the boss” in a bizarre combination of a British accent and a Jimmy Durante impression.
Jeff Kay stole the phrase Sweet Sainted Mother of Blanket Jackson. That’s right. Though he was the first to write it down, Jeff wasn’t the first to say it. That honor goes to Michael Jackson himself. During a 2001 Yuengling-fueled bender, Jeff found himself in a game of William Tell with MJ and Corey Feldman at the Neverland Ranch. Corey had an apple on his head, when Jeff had the genius idea to put the pistol down and increase the odds with a shotgun. Corey hit the deck just as Jeff blew a pumpkin size hole in the wall. Behind the wall, in a room full of gibbons and pinwheels, Macauley Culkin was making love to the future mother of Blanket Jackson. Michael’s exclamation basically wrote itself. As for all the other Kayisms, they’re similarly stolen from androgynous pop stars (Prince, David Bowie, Lemmy). The only one that he can truly claim as his own is the vaguely vulgar and rarely appropriate: “That’s what you get for lickin’ a Necco Wafer.”
Jeff Kay prefers Cherone-era Van Halen. He not only prefers it to Roth-era and Hagar-era Van Halen, but to Lennon/McCartney-era Beatles and to 1950s-2010s-era sounds in general. If you ever pull up alongside Jeff’s PT Cruiser at a stoplight, chances are you’ll find him singing along to “Without You.” Don’t make eye contact. He’ll probably yank you from your car and insist on doing some moronic back-to-back air-guitar, while the traffic builds up and the horns start blaring. And no, the noise won’t bother him in the slightest. His head will be tipped back in ecstasy as he shouts, “bring us home Eddie, bring us home!”
Jeff Kay doesn’t ever tell you the name of his kids because they don’t have names. Afraid of subjecting gender roles onto his children, Jeff decided they should be known as Sperm #3,056,776 and Sperm #12,914,639. It made for a miserable time in the schoolyard, where the other children used to mock their pageboy haircuts and their oversize muumuus that Jeff made them wear to hide the curves of their bodies. The one consolation is that ever since the kids set fire to the janitor’s broom closet, home-schooling has become a legal necessity.
Jeff Kay has never eaten at Wendy’s, Subway or Taco Bell. Not once. Get a few drinks in him and he’ll whisper his secret. “I was born a Hardee’s man and I’ll die a Hardee’s man, thank you very much!” He also ends all of his statements with a theatric finger-twirl and a “thank you very much!” which is enough to make you want to strangle the guy. Douche-nozzle.
Aaron Starmer is the author of the just-released novel, The Only Ones, published by Delacorte. Connect with Aaron at his website, and at Twitter. And, for the love of all that’s holy, buy his book! You can thank me later.
My right fist is “Hate” the othe is “Pain”.
That’s what I’m gonna have branded into my knuckles when I get sent to prison for some low-grade white collar crime.
First you should figure out if you’re a syrup or jelly guy.
And just accept your fate when you hear the words “just relax”.
My left fist is “Lefty.” The right one is “Becky’s Vagina.”
genuine LOL.
Hmmm…not that funny. Nix the guest posts.
Real nice… I completely disagree.
That’s what you get for lickin’ a Necco Wafer.
The post didn’t sound like Jeff at all…
[samkinisonvoice] BECAUSE IS WASN’T JEFF AAAAAHHHHH!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!
[/samkinisonvoice]
Them damn Neccos’ll get ya every time!
Necco wafers…I love them, and so does my dentist. Three crowns over the years, at roughly $1000 each…all thanks to the New England Candy Company! BTW…what sucks is that they either come in rolls of multi-flavored, or chocolate. Man, what I would give for a roll of all pink ones! And as for flavors of Necco wafers, has anyone in history ever been able to identify what the heck the white ones are?????
Penguin semen.
Funniest thing I’ve heard all week!!
I thought it was funny as the “Vagina full of bad decisions” comment. However, on the off chance he is rich I want my beer money back.
The ghost of DeForest Kelley makes a good point. Worst $5,000 you’ve ever spent on a guest post. Live and learn, Jeff. Live and learn.
I’m glad I read this update. Your reminded me I was getting dangerously low on Japanese armpit hair.
Thanks, Aaron. I’m going to check out your book!
I’m a Rosie O’Donnell legpit hair kinda guy myself.
Well then you’ll never run out!
Every time I hear “Rosie O’Donnell” I instantly think “bitch slap”. It’s just one of those things, I guess.
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard….
“wanted to bait a snare with a bag of meth and catch a hillbilly that we can pay in Mountain Dew to mow the lawn.”
I might hafta steal this idea in the very near future, although I might have better luck paying in Dublin Dr. Pepper ’round these parts.
So Mr Aaron, you are implying that the Nancy and Translucent adventures is an autobiography? ‘Splain some more.
Let’s just say that Jeff has a seasonal scarf closet with a rotating, motorized display rack. “Bourbon season” is actually a reference to the brown bourbon-colored scarves he wears as soon as the leaves start to fall.
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!
That would explain why he could never back up the trailer…
I love the guest post. but knowing the truth is it too late to send back cursewords rhoads or whatever that book was called?
The autograph is probably fake anyway.
You had me going until you described Lemmy as androgynous.
Jeff Kay was also the first assistant director on the tv show “Numb3rs”.
Funny. Offbeat.
Right up my weird ass alley.
I probably should have put that a different way.
I believe it!
All of it!
Aaron, you from Kentucky?
Not possible. No one from Kentucky has ever heard of Cherone-era Van Halen.
I have to say this update was disappointing – I was sure we were going to find out Jeff was really a night-manager for the Blizzak warehouse.
Have a great vacation and thanks for hiring some help to keep us entertained. (how much Mountain Dew is this costing you?)
Tired of looking at disembodied cow nipples? Here’s a different Further Evidence to enjoy:
http://flavorwire.com/214369/iconic-photos-recreated-in-legos
Really funny stuff. The first part caught me by surprise for a moment. I like getting fooled.
Umm, no. Sorry, foul ball behind home plate.
Okay, before I sign off for the evening and get back to actually working, t0 cashoe and Theresa regarding yesterdays topic: I love the idea of Middleswarth chips…when the company had Keith Kauffman behind the when of their race car. I even went so so far as to order a 5 pound box of their chips for my semi famous race car driving brother. He appreciated the gesture, but thought the chips sucked. However, his youngest daughter absolutely loved them!
Stephanie…
Archie is getting some publicity from a hot link off cnn.com.
I hadn’t noticed that he’d been dating a black chick. I need to get out more.
John
http://geekout.blogs.cnn.com/2011/09/30/archie/?
Thanks, jtb! Yep, and there’s even a guy boffing another guy in Riverdale too, now! Check it out, indeed!
Love the update. Funny as hell! Never saw Jeff as a “finger-twirl” guy though. In my mind he was a “2-snaps, a twist, and a kiss” kind of guy. My mistake.
Great update! I have always suspected as much. You know how some of the rich are, they are always interested in slumming and trying to get in touch with “real people.” I suppose, in reality, that HE is Nostrils. How else would he know so much about their sex life? Which means, I guess, that Toney is the sister in law, and he’s really married to Nancy. This just keeps getting better.
I want to see more of that National Lampoon book. Wish it could have been completed.
Gee thanks Aaron. Thanks for destroying my minds panorama of Jeff. Tell me Santa Clause isn’t real or sometning like that but not Jeff. So I’ve bought tee shirts and a cap (very cool one I might add) from this guy? Sweet Sainted Mother of Benny Hinn…I’ve been douped again. Christ…next thing ya know you’ll be telling us Jeff actually likes pickles. Loves ’em in fact. Crap. I’m such a fool.
..and a goddamn edit button around here would be nice while you’re at it making us all so fucking happy.
Ever notice two things are not “Lampooned” here! Black Lips Houlihan and Tony. Sacred ground I say…
Oh and Jeff was the character inspiration behind the detective series Monk.
and a few more things that were uncovered during the research:
– no thumbnail on his left hand
– is afraid of Pam cooking spray
– enjoys the sound of Fran Dresher (sp?)
– calls his left buttock Thunder and his right buttock Tremor
– likes sardines direct from the can
– once thought he was cool like Bert Convey
– was wrong on both accounts
– makes tire and engine noises when he drives
– likes to wear hip waders and red suspenders around the house so he can pretend he’s a fireman’s calendar model
– once fit three Krispy Kreme donuts in his mouth at once
– wishes he was a Canadian 🙂
I may have missed a few….
Hahaha, awesome.