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The REAL Jeff Kay, revealed by Aaron Starmer

September 30, 2011 By Jeff 46 Comments

About 6 or 7 years ago, I met Jeff Kay when National Lampoon approached us to work on a book together. The book never got off the ground, but in the time since I’ve come to know Jeff through the WVSR, as well as in the “real world.” We all adopt personas when we go online, and Jeff is no different. But what many of his readers don’t realize is that his online persona is so unlike who he really is, that you simply wouldn’t recognize the man if you met him on the street. Here are just a few notable examples:

Jeff Kay loves abbreviations. It’s never a conversation. It’s a sation. They’re not appetizers. They’re tizers. The worst thing is that these aren’t even the standard idiotic abbreviations that every insufferable prick with a popped collar tosses around. They’re his own creations, so he has to explain himself more often than not, which pretty much defeats the purpose of abbreviating in the first place.

Jeff cannot find West Virginia on a map. This isn’t because of the notoriously bad West Virginia public school system. It’s because he’s never been there. Jeff was born and raised in the Cayman Islands, where his family hides its considerable fortune. Jeff’s father is the man responsible for many of the disgusting products Jeff shills via his Further Evidence links. If you’ve ever clicked through and purchased some Japanese armpit hair or an embroidered dildo cozy, you’re just tossing a few more nickels into the Kays’ considerable coffers. The one time Jeff did consider visiting West Virginia was when he, and I quote, “wanted to bait a snare with a bag of meth and catch a hillbilly that we can pay in Mountain Dew to mow the lawn.” His words. Not mine.

Jeff Kay named his fists. He calls the right one Remington and the left one Pennington. Whenever he enters a bar, he holds them up and proclaims, “Any of you jokers crack wise, and you’ll be having a little sation with Mr. Remington and Mr. Pennington here.” He’ll proceed to make the fists talk for themselves, a pathetic bit of ventriloquism where they say things like “exactamundo fellas” and “you heard the boss” in a bizarre combination of a British accent and a Jimmy Durante impression.

Jeff Kay stole the phrase Sweet Sainted Mother of Blanket Jackson. That’s right. Though he was the first to write it down, Jeff wasn’t the first to say it. That honor goes to Michael Jackson himself. During a 2001 Yuengling-fueled bender, Jeff found himself in a game of William Tell with MJ and Corey Feldman at the Neverland Ranch. Corey had an apple on his head, when Jeff had the genius idea to put the pistol down and increase the odds with a shotgun. Corey hit the deck just as Jeff blew a pumpkin size hole in the wall. Behind the wall, in a room full of gibbons and pinwheels, Macauley Culkin was making love to the future mother of Blanket Jackson. Michael’s exclamation basically wrote itself. As for all the other Kayisms, they’re similarly stolen from androgynous pop stars (Prince, David Bowie, Lemmy). The only one that he can truly claim as his own is the vaguely vulgar and rarely appropriate: “That’s what you get for lickin’ a Necco Wafer.”

Jeff Kay prefers Cherone-era Van Halen. He not only prefers it to Roth-era and Hagar-era Van Halen, but to Lennon/McCartney-era Beatles and to 1950s-2010s-era sounds in general. If you ever pull up alongside Jeff’s PT Cruiser at a stoplight, chances are you’ll find him singing along to “Without You.” Don’t make eye contact. He’ll probably yank you from your car and insist on doing some moronic back-to-back air-guitar, while the traffic builds up and the horns start blaring. And no, the noise won’t bother him in the slightest. His head will be tipped back in ecstasy as he shouts, “bring us home Eddie, bring us home!”

Jeff Kay doesn’t ever tell you the name of his kids because they don’t have names. Afraid of subjecting gender roles onto his children, Jeff decided they should be known as Sperm #3,056,776 and Sperm #12,914,639. It made for a miserable time in the schoolyard, where the other children used to mock their pageboy haircuts and their oversize muumuus that Jeff made them wear to hide the curves of their bodies. The one consolation is that ever since the kids set fire to the janitor’s broom closet, home-schooling has become a legal necessity.

Jeff Kay has never eaten at Wendy’s, Subway or Taco Bell. Not once. Get a few drinks in him and he’ll whisper his secret. “I was born a Hardee’s man and I’ll die a Hardee’s man, thank you very much!” He also ends all of his statements with a theatric finger-twirl and a “thank you very much!” which is enough to make you want to strangle the guy. Douche-nozzle.

Aaron Starmer is the author of the just-released novel, The Only Ones, published by Delacorte. Connect with Aaron at his website, and at Twitter. And, for the love of all that’s holy, buy his book! You can thank me later.

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Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. icecycle66 says

    September 30, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    My right fist is “Hate” the othe is “Pain”.

    That’s what I’m gonna have branded into my knuckles when I get sent to prison for some low-grade white collar crime.

    Reply
    • Henderson says

      September 30, 2011 at 3:05 pm

      First you should figure out if you’re a syrup or jelly guy.

      Reply
      • Bill in WV says

        September 30, 2011 at 3:24 pm

        And just accept your fate when you hear the words “just relax”.

        Reply
  2. Swami Bologna says

    September 30, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    My left fist is “Lefty.” The right one is “Becky’s Vagina.”

    Reply
    • Alex says

      September 30, 2011 at 4:03 pm

      genuine LOL.

      Reply
  3. Bones says

    September 30, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Hmmm…not that funny. Nix the guest posts.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      September 30, 2011 at 3:08 pm

      Real nice… I completely disagree.

      Reply
      • DeepInTheHeart says

        September 30, 2011 at 3:31 pm

        That’s what you get for lickin’ a Necco Wafer.

        Reply
        • Skully says

          September 30, 2011 at 3:41 pm

          The post didn’t sound like Jeff at all…

          [samkinisonvoice] BECAUSE IS WASN’T JEFF AAAAAHHHHH!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!
          [/samkinisonvoice]

          Them damn Neccos’ll get ya every time!

          Reply
          • clintcurtis says

            October 1, 2011 at 3:18 am

            Necco wafers…I love them, and so does my dentist. Three crowns over the years, at roughly $1000 each…all thanks to the New England Candy Company! BTW…what sucks is that they either come in rolls of multi-flavored, or chocolate. Man, what I would give for a roll of all pink ones! And as for flavors of Necco wafers, has anyone in history ever been able to identify what the heck the white ones are?????

            Reply
            • t-storm says

              October 1, 2011 at 3:32 am

              Penguin semen.

              Reply
              • The Qweezy Mark says

                October 1, 2011 at 1:04 pm

                Funniest thing I’ve heard all week!!

                Reply
      • Uncle_Wedgie says

        September 30, 2011 at 8:57 pm

        I thought it was funny as the “Vagina full of bad decisions” comment. However, on the off chance he is rich I want my beer money back.

        Reply
    • Aaron says

      September 30, 2011 at 4:40 pm

      The ghost of DeForest Kelley makes a good point. Worst $5,000 you’ve ever spent on a guest post. Live and learn, Jeff. Live and learn.

      Reply
  4. madz1962 says

    September 30, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    I’m glad I read this update. Your reminded me I was getting dangerously low on Japanese armpit hair.

    Thanks, Aaron. I’m going to check out your book!

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      September 30, 2011 at 3:25 pm

      I’m a Rosie O’Donnell legpit hair kinda guy myself.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        September 30, 2011 at 3:36 pm

        Well then you’ll never run out!

        Reply
      • CADude says

        September 30, 2011 at 4:05 pm

        Every time I hear “Rosie O’Donnell” I instantly think “bitch slap”. It’s just one of those things, I guess.

        Reply
  5. DeepInTheHeart says

    September 30, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    This is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard….

    “wanted to bait a snare with a bag of meth and catch a hillbilly that we can pay in Mountain Dew to mow the lawn.”

    I might hafta steal this idea in the very near future, although I might have better luck paying in Dublin Dr. Pepper ’round these parts.

    Reply
  6. Alex says

    September 30, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    So Mr Aaron, you are implying that the Nancy and Translucent adventures is an autobiography? ‘Splain some more.

    Reply
    • Aaron says

      September 30, 2011 at 4:44 pm

      Let’s just say that Jeff has a seasonal scarf closet with a rotating, motorized display rack. “Bourbon season” is actually a reference to the brown bourbon-colored scarves he wears as soon as the leaves start to fall.

      Reply
      • bikerchick says

        September 30, 2011 at 11:54 pm

        LMFAO!!!!!!!!!

        Reply
      • Alex says

        October 1, 2011 at 4:55 pm

        That would explain why he could never back up the trailer…

        Reply
  7. t-storm says

    September 30, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    I love the guest post. but knowing the truth is it too late to send back cursewords rhoads or whatever that book was called?

    Reply
  8. CADude says

    September 30, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    The autograph is probably fake anyway.

    Reply
  9. mikefromLI says

    September 30, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    You had me going until you described Lemmy as androgynous.

    Reply
  10. renn says

    September 30, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Jeff Kay was also the first assistant director on the tv show “Numb3rs”.

    Reply
  11. doctorright says

    September 30, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    Funny. Offbeat.
    Right up my weird ass alley.

    I probably should have put that a different way.

    Reply
  12. T. Farty McAppleass says

    September 30, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    I believe it!
    All of it!
    Aaron, you from Kentucky?

    Reply
    • Phil Jett says

      September 30, 2011 at 8:46 pm

      Not possible. No one from Kentucky has ever heard of Cherone-era Van Halen.

      Reply
  13. -- Steve says

    September 30, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    I have to say this update was disappointing – I was sure we were going to find out Jeff was really a night-manager for the Blizzak warehouse.

    Have a great vacation and thanks for hiring some help to keep us entertained. (how much Mountain Dew is this costing you?)

    Reply
  14. Gretchen says

    September 30, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Tired of looking at disembodied cow nipples? Here’s a different Further Evidence to enjoy:

    http://flavorwire.com/214369/iconic-photos-recreated-in-legos

    Reply
  15. Ed says

    September 30, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    Really funny stuff. The first part caught me by surprise for a moment. I like getting fooled.

    Reply
  16. Uncle Buzz in Wheeling says

    October 1, 2011 at 1:13 am

    Umm, no. Sorry, foul ball behind home plate.

    Reply
  17. clintcurtis says

    October 1, 2011 at 3:48 am

    Okay, before I sign off for the evening and get back to actually working, t0 cashoe and Theresa regarding yesterdays topic: I love the idea of Middleswarth chips…when the company had Keith Kauffman behind the when of their race car. I even went so so far as to order a 5 pound box of their chips for my semi famous race car driving brother. He appreciated the gesture, but thought the chips sucked. However, his youngest daughter absolutely loved them!

    Reply
  18. johnthebasket says

    October 1, 2011 at 5:15 am

    Stephanie…

    Archie is getting some publicity from a hot link off cnn.com.

    I hadn’t noticed that he’d been dating a black chick. I need to get out more.

    John

    http://geekout.blogs.cnn.com/2011/09/30/archie/?

    Reply
    • Stephanie says

      October 1, 2011 at 10:20 am

      Thanks, jtb! Yep, and there’s even a guy boffing another guy in Riverdale too, now! Check it out, indeed!

      Reply
  19. bikerchick says

    October 1, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Love the update. Funny as hell! Never saw Jeff as a “finger-twirl” guy though. In my mind he was a “2-snaps, a twist, and a kiss” kind of guy. My mistake.

    Reply
  20. m says

    October 1, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Great update! I have always suspected as much. You know how some of the rich are, they are always interested in slumming and trying to get in touch with “real people.” I suppose, in reality, that HE is Nostrils. How else would he know so much about their sex life? Which means, I guess, that Toney is the sister in law, and he’s really married to Nancy. This just keeps getting better.

    Reply
  21. Valentin says

    October 1, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    I want to see more of that National Lampoon book. Wish it could have been completed.

    Reply
  22. dto says

    October 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    Gee thanks Aaron. Thanks for destroying my minds panorama of Jeff. Tell me Santa Clause isn’t real or sometning like that but not Jeff. So I’ve bought tee shirts and a cap (very cool one I might add) from this guy? Sweet Sainted Mother of Benny Hinn…I’ve been douped again. Christ…next thing ya know you’ll be telling us Jeff actually likes pickles. Loves ’em in fact. Crap. I’m such a fool.

    Reply
    • dto says

      October 2, 2011 at 7:11 am

      ..and a goddamn edit button around here would be nice while you’re at it making us all so fucking happy.

      Reply
  23. Shiny Rod says

    October 2, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Ever notice two things are not “Lampooned” here! Black Lips Houlihan and Tony. Sacred ground I say…

    Reply
  24. Shiny Rod says

    October 2, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Oh and Jeff was the character inspiration behind the detective series Monk.

    Reply
  25. hot fuzz says

    October 2, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    and a few more things that were uncovered during the research:

    – no thumbnail on his left hand
    – is afraid of Pam cooking spray
    – enjoys the sound of Fran Dresher (sp?)
    – calls his left buttock Thunder and his right buttock Tremor
    – likes sardines direct from the can
    – once thought he was cool like Bert Convey
    – was wrong on both accounts
    – makes tire and engine noises when he drives
    – likes to wear hip waders and red suspenders around the house so he can pretend he’s a fireman’s calendar model
    – once fit three Krispy Kreme donuts in his mouth at once
    – wishes he was a Canadian 🙂

    I may have missed a few….

    Reply
  26. ashton says

    October 3, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    Hahaha, awesome.

    Reply

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