So, I was sitting in the library on Friday afternoon, sobbing quietly into my keyboard, when my cell phone rang. It was our oldest son, wanting me to come pick him up at a friend’s house. He said he fell and hurt his arm.
Of course I required a full briefing, and it didn’t sound too serious, thankfully. He’s broken his right arm twice, and if it keeps happening I’m afraid he’ll end up with a chicken tender hanging out of his sleeve. I told him I’d be there in a few minutes, and started packing up my stuff.
Then I heard shouting up front: “Don’t you have the Declaration of Independence in here? What kind of library doesn’t display the Declaration of Independence?!”
At first I thought it was some old man, possibly a Korean War veteran with a chip on his shoulder. But then I heard BOOM! And: BOOM! BOOM!!
What in the star spangled hell? I walked toward the front, and heard wild belligerence, and someone possibly punching things. I walked out of the stacks and saw a fat maniac, stripped to the waist, wandering around the library, hollering, and knocking things over.
Holy shit.
He had a massive gut and no shirt, tattoos on the tops of his arms, and a wild expression on his face. People were scrambling to get out of his way, and I saw him wind-up and punch a propped-open hardcover off the top of a file cabinet.
He looked like he was starting to careen toward my area in the back, so I returned there to protect my computer.
A concerned woman seated nearby came over and said, “Do you think that perhaps I should exit the library?” Those were her exact, proper words. But her eyes were saying, “Do I need to get the fuck out of here?!”
I told her I was leaving, and it looked like bad news up there. I offered to walk her out, but she scampered away without saying anything. So, I shrugged and returned to the front, with my Jack Sack over my shoulder.
There was a woman near the main counter, with a young boy in her arms. And the lunatic was approaching. “Hey little baby…” he said, with a creepy smirk on his face. A man, seated at one of the computers, yelled, “Yo! Keep away from the kid!”
And Jiggles the Escapee started dancing around, with his arms above his head, singing, “I’m a craazy man! I’m a craaaaazy man!!”
I left at that point, and about two blocks away three police cars came screaming past me, traveling in the opposite direction and headed toward the library. Oh, man… I was going to miss it all. They’ll probably taser that fat bastard!
I fetched the Secret, asked about his arm, and told him we weren’t going straight home. I gave him the story as we drove, and he said, “We’re going back, aren’t we?”
“Yup,” I answered.
Five police cars! All with flashing lights. What was going on?! Had he killed someone? Taken hostages? Removed his pants?
I parked and we walked toward the front door. There was a big ol’ hicked-up pick-up parked in the fire lane, and three cops were going through it. One had an armload of prescription bottles, studying the labels and frowning.
We went inside, and Jiggles was nowhere to be seen. Several policemen were interviewing people, and two women were cleaning up a big potted plant that had been busted in the middle of the floor. But there was no sign of the “craaaazy man.”
Outside we noticed a police SUV with radically tinted windows, and decided they must have him handcuffed (or straitjacketed) inside.
Man, I really wish I could’ve been there for the take-down… I have a feeling the dude didn’t go quietly, but something tells me he probably did go quickly. Know what I mean? Heh.
I missed it this time, but have you ever seen a stranger get arrested? I’m sure most of us have. If you’ve got any interesting stories to tell along those lines, please post them in the comments section.
Also, if you have any “unhinged lunatics in public places” tales… let’s hear ’em.
And this is going to be a busy day. Toney’s cousin will be here in a few hours, and will be spending the night with us. It’s not really a long story, and it’s also not all that interesting. But maybe I’ll get into it tomorrow?
Now playing in the bunker
FurtherEvidence dotcom is on the air!
late night first?
with a boner!
stickin’ with the boner comment. however i have to say that since 2002 the last part of that story does not sound like jk. i mean, a subway jockey makes you stay away for slight annoyance, company picnics make you shit, the libary and panera irritate you to no end, and you hate public confrontation? and you go back to where the crazy is?
i want to buy it. i really do.
Was he an escapee from “up da road?” I thought “those” people only hung out in libraries in Scranton and “da valley.”
Top ten, and liking it!
Never seen anyone getting arrested.
Not for just shouting and breaking stuff.
We do have an ‘open prison’ ten miles away that the inmates interpret a bit too literally!
Not quite “der erste”, but I’ll take a top ten appearance here in the chilly insanity of a Monday morning. Yesterday we (the whole crew, wife and 3 kids) drove 4 hours out to the Outer Banks to take my mom out to lunch for her birthday. Dressed up in a goth outfit, too much mascara, and flaunting a new boyfriend, we celebrated her 73rd with lots of scotch at a local seafood place, then went back to her place where I installed my grandmother’s ceramic chandelier in mom’s dining room amid the chaos of 5 cats and a neurotic dog. We high-tailed it outta there and drove BACK home the same day. I had enough batshiat crazy all to myself yesterday….
Growing up we once had rowdy neighbors (5 sons, none too bright and all seemingly ready for fisticuffs at any minute). The oldest one was particularly easy to set off – he had a crazy temper and a lazy eye, never a good combo. One night the cops followed him home, right into the driveway we shared with their house, and asked to talk to him. He started getting belligerent, and what do you know, pretty soon there were 12 cop cars all over the driveway, the street, the yards (both of our yards, front and back). Lights flashing, everyone screaming at everyone else, and I shit you not when I say it took 6 cops with billy clubs to get this guy cuffed and into a squad car (these were the days before tasers and such). I never heard cops swear so much – I watched the whole thing from the relative safety of my 2nd floor bedroom window.
The guy spent the night in jail, slept off his bad drunk, and was back at work (laying brick) the very next day. From what I understand the cops knew him well and it wasn’t the first time they had taken the sticks to him. I heard he died in Florida a few years back, probably in barroom brawl.
When the house next door was up for sale I didn’t like the look of a couple that was viewing it. So I stripped to my underpants and skipped around the garden with a big knife in my hand, shouting “where’s my pie” as loud as I could.
It worked.
Some years ago now, there was a guy in my part of town (south London area) who was always dressed in white – more trousers, shirt and jacket than flowing kaftans. He had long hair and a beard. He was well known by everyone and got the nickname “Jesus” …
When we were kids and we’d see him strolling around the streets, we’d always shout out “There’s Jesus!!” Oh those were the days …
When he died a couple of years ago, there was an article about him in the local paper.
Hey Jeff, I just love that album! I bought it on vinyl when it was first released! Heard Little Rich Girl on BBC6 Music the other week.
Since I work in London I see quite a few people get “collared by the Old Bill” …
I was tending bar in the 80’s at a place called Copperfields on Buford Hwy in Atlanta. Woman was siiting at the bar and had ordered a hamburger and several drinks. She finishes up the burger and fries and announces that the hamburger was under-cooked and she wasn’t going to pay for it. She proceeds to get in a screaming match with the manager (the future ex Mr. CC the first) while the other bartender and I call the cops. Three cops had to wrestle her onto the floor to handcuff her while she switches between screaming obcenities at the cops and pleading for protection from the ‘police brutality’. She even has the nerve to roll her eyes up at me and ask for help. Many people don’t know it but it is not the eating establishment that pays when you don’t, it is the server who pays out of their tips. They found over $400 in cash in her pocket and the tab was less than $20.
That would be ‘obscenities’
As a frequent civilian observer with the local pd, I get to see a lot of this areas finest get put in the back of a squad car… Always entertaining. Detained a couple of hoods for theft at a buddys house, and have been in two large scale college fights, both of which ended with people being arrested, never me though (knock on wood). Best one ever was watching a big black guy try to run across a field away from an officer on horseback… Turns out horses are much faster than people, and an officer on horseback can still use a club and taser.
Yesterday, well actually it was back in 1988, I was on the subway on the way to a class. There was the usual non-descript melange of folks just minding their own business. At this time (snicker) the guy sitting across from me notices the advert behind him – a big poster for a TV series that was playing call “Hitler’s Germany”. He, somewhat casually, turned back towards the poster a few times and eventually traced the swastika with his ring finger. He then went back to blending in among the humans again. Just like wash rinse repeat, he kept doing this but each time the period between tracings got shorter and the pressure applied appeared to be more and more obvious.
As tempo and intensity cressendoed (sp?) we was now standing. confronting the poster and taking full major league swipes at the poster board and covered a broader and broader area. We’re talking Big Unit wind up and everything. He was wacking the crap out of the picture now in a big X formation (top left to bottom right, top right to bottom left – that seemed to be important to some people not long ago!!!), stopped and Samuel L Jacksoned the nice lady across from him “THERE ARE MANY RED X’S THERE, DO YOU SEE THEM???”.
I thought this might have been a political statement/ performance art but I kind changed my mind when the next thing he said was “WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET AND I’VE GOT A BRAND NEW TV SET”…He then sat down quietly while we all exchanged nervous glances and all looked for the biggest guy in the group in case the shiatsu hit the fan – unfortunately, most of the people were now sorta kinda looking towards me (sigh),
Our performer sat there quietly and I couldn’t really tell if he had gone back to dormant full ass crazy or baling wire tight crazy…but then he calmly got off at the next stop as if nothing had happened. As he left, about 4 or 5 of us must have looked like a group of puppies when you make a new sound – we all did that head to the shoulder lean to figure something out. He had a glass drinking glass in his back jean pocket – a small size though because a large would have been ridiculous.
I hate those days when the portal gets stuck open and more mutants than normal slip through from the alternate universe.
Jeff, I hope the boy is ok.
Have a good day folks.
About 15 years ago, I heard some hollering and carrying on across the street from my then 3rd floor apartment. I look out the window, and a half – nekkit fat guy (sound familiar?) was across the street, screaming at some women, who was poking her head outta a second story window, and also carrying on.. Both obviously drunk.
Sigh. Called the cops. Then looked out the window again to the ruckus, and the tenant below my apartment went out and politely asked fat – ass, who was on the other side of the street, to quiet it down.
Fat ass started hollerin’ at him then. Shit. I headed down there. I get outside, next to the other tenant, and we both listened to mr. fat and drunk threaten us from across the street for a few minutes, while we both just laughed at him.
By now, fat and looney lost it, and grabbed a chair of the front porch of the house, and heaved it across the road in our direction.
It was in mid-air, about to clatter to the ground in front of us, just as the cruiser turned the corner. Pretty cool! The cop sped up, slammed on the brakes, hopped out, grabbed crazy fat man and pinned / tossed him to the hood of the cop car…. holding his head by the hair………. told him to stop struggling, and banged loonie’s head off of the hood for good measure. Fat/ drunk/ crazy dude\s face was facing us, and he started yelling, “police brutality!” “Police brutality!”
The middle aged cop looked up at the other tenant and I, with a quizzical look on his face……
And the guy next to me says…. “I don’t see no police brutality, I see you resisting arrest….”
At the exact same time, the cop broke into the biggest ear to ear grin I’ve ever seen, while fat looney dude’s face registered horror……… And the cop banged the fat bastard’s head off the hood a few more times for good measure, all the while with a big shit-eating grin.
Most excellent!!!!
I once saw a guy get arrested for sitting in the street eating potato chips. He was sitting inthe turning lane eating chips. When the cops came to take him a way he went all floppy. They had to roll him over to cuff him and they sort of tossed him into the back seat of the car. It looked like they were throwing a load of laundry into their car.
They guy looked like liquied the way they were handling him.
Jeff, I think what you witnessed was an extremely elaborate performance art ‘happening’ involving not only an art school graduate student (‘Jiggles’ the fat maniac), but also members of the general public (the lady who asked you “Do you think that perhaps I should exit the library?”, the woman and young boy and man yelling “Yo! Keep away from the kid!”), and local law enforcement agencies. Perhaps you failed to notice the printed fliers located around the library facility intended to inform their patrons of this event. Maybe the library forgot to hang the fliers. From the sound of things, the performance went quite well.
The next time you witness something like this happening, just grab a seat and enjoy the performance. What these artists are trying to do is bring art outside of the stuffy confines of a museum and offer it to everyday folks in a public space. Bravo!
Awesome! Once in Walmart (of fucking course) I heard a huge ruckus in the cosmetics aisle. Apparently an estranged couple had run into each other, the ex-wife with their kid in tow, and the ex-husband with his new girlfriend in tow. They got into a huge redneck hollering match, and the guy punched the ex-wife out cold — I heard her head “thunk” on the floor as she fell. He grabbed the kid, threw it at the new girlfriend, told her to GET IN THE CAR AND GO, while he ran out the other direction. Turns out he was armed, and when he ran out the front door, he deposited his gun into the Salvation Army collection bucket. “Security” nailed him midway down the parking lot. The girlfriend’s dumb ass was discovered STILL in the car, in which more firearms were found. It was awesome.
I was just at Dollar General recently in town, and I’m a regular there. I find dollar stores to be fascinating now that I live on my own.
Anyway, I was still by the front door, checking out some deoterant, when I heard a ruckus up at the counter.
A pudgy little (Italian?) woman was arguing with the cashier. She was trying to return something, and the cashier was saying, “It’s store policy that I have to see your driver’s license for a return”…The woman was refusing. She was under the impression that the cashier just wanted to see her license so she could steal her information and such.
So the manager came up and said, ‘If you are refusing to follow store policies, then you can leave my store.” It became apparent at that point that this wasn’t the first time this woman had been there that night, this was round 2.
So the woman, just getting more and more angry started screaming a whole lot of F-yous, and refusing to leave, then she turns to ME and says, “See! She’s a witness, she can see you are harrassing paying customers!” To this poor manager…I just made a face at her like “You fuckin serious?’ and carried on picking out my toiletries. In the meantime, the cashier had gone outside and was calling the police. The manager had had it and got in the woman’s face (the manager TOWERED over this tiny ferocious woman), and was screaming, red faced and scary, ‘GET OUT OF MY STORE!’ She reminded me of Gandolf, throwing down his staff and screaming, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
I was kind of drunk too, as I unwillingly had to make a quick trip there for toiletries after already starting my Friday night drink-a-thon, so I giggled a bit.
Anyway, it just kept going downhill from there and the woman actually stood off to the side while the Manager, now cool and collected, waited on a line of customers.
I was the last to leave in line, and as I was walking out 2 squads pulled up. I missed the rest of the action unfortunately.
I went in there a few days later, and the cashier told me that the woman finally gave up her license, but continues to call and harrass the staff.
I wish someone would have recorded how stupid this woman was being and played it back for her later.
I really hate people like her. Freakin garbage.
Good Morning Surf Reporters……
My personal watching someone get arrested story goes like this:
My regular drinking spot has a pretty busy happy hour on Fridays. For a while, the clientele was the courthouse crowd; lawyers, both prosecutors with the DA’s office and public defenders, judges and members of the law enforcement community(mostly deputy sheriffs and detectives).
One happy Friday afternoon, a jealous ex boyfriend came into the bar and sucker punched a lawyer who was trying to hook up with hottie ex girlfriend.
Once the ruckus died down, one of the county’s detectives came over and identified himself to the ex boyfriend as a cop.
The doofus said “That’s not my problem” where then the detective pulled out his badge and said “It’s your problem now. Turn around, you’re under arrest. Detective frisked the guy down, put him in cuffs and called the local police to come pick him up.
Yea, all of this happened right beside me and all I wanted to do was sit there quiet and finish my beer.
Wow, the last 3 submissions all used the word “ruckus”.
Could you describe the ruckus?
Yo Mark!
ROTFLMFAO!
Thanks, I needed that.
I’ll remember that tactic & put it in my clue bag.
(Still laughing too hard for a quote – maybe l8ter.)
Librarians are a strange lot.
I saw a guy getting arrested in Grand Central terminal. 99% of the commuters kept right on going. It wasn’t even a good, spectacular sight. Just a dude getting cuffed. He could have been getting a shoe shine for all people cared.
Malcolm: “he had a crazy temper and a lazy eye, never a good combo” was one of the funniest lines I’ve read!
Public libraries are often full of such people – that is nothing new.
I know of one public library where someone use to shit on the floor.
I don’t think I would want to clean that up.
The one here in Morgantown is now under video surveillance, and has a sign posted about not allowing weapons inside the building.
I am often reminded of the crowd scene from Escape From New York when I go downtown.
I once had a cashier accuse me of stealing an umbrella in a Dollar Store. The old black lady behind me yelled “The white boy’s umbrella is wet. It ain’t raining in the store bitch!”
That took care of that.
If you hold a cellphone to your ear while talking to your self in public, no one thinks you’re a craaazy man.
Works for me anyway.
Oh yeah and I’ve been to a lot of jam band music festivals, so I’ve seen A LOT of lunatics. One of them was actually one of the guys in our group of friends, he didn’t wear shoes the whole time, and one night we lost him and a friend and myself were walking through a forest lit up by nothing by glow sticks and low and behold, Arthur pops out of the forest, grabbing a nearby hippie walking the trail, shakes him violently and screams, ‘SHOES?! WHERE ARE MY SHOES!?”
Hippie: Dude, I don’t know.
Art: GOOD, FUCK SHOES!
It was later he gave another one of our friends $100 dollars for a ham sandwhich.
Ahh, I love music festivals.
I was workin the midnight shift at a gas station (after I told them I WOULDN’T work midnights) we had a plain clothes local cop as security being it was the weekend. This man and woman come in (obviously plastered) they get into a shouting match in the middle of the store, reslove it and start making out. Right there in the store! They get done pay for their stuff and as they go out the door the cop follows them out. They get in their truck, he walks up pecks on the window and proceeds to arrest the guy for DUI. The guy turns to his girlfriend/wife and says calm as can be ” you just had to stop at fucking speedway didn’t ya?” I was laughing so hard when he said that I started crying. It was ALOT funnier in person than I made it sound.
yo Jeff….on a completely unrelated note….this website is bitin’ your style
http://www.alwayshungryny.com/thought-for-food/entry/alwaysinformed-kfcs-double-down-has-arrived/
just lookin out….
Once lived across the street from a counterfeiter. Of course I didn’t know he was a counterfeiter until the neighborhood was swarmed by the Secret Service and the ATF. They found a couple hundred thousand in funny twenty dollar bills in his attic and a printing press in his basement. He seemed like a nice, quiet guy. Guess I should have known he was up to no good.
My favorite cuff em’ and stuff em’ story…Dateline, Bowling Green, Ohio. Late 1987 or 1988 don’t remember. Some friends were having a kegger at their apartment. It got really loud and the cops showed up to quiet us down. I happened to be standing near the door when they knocked. I also happened to be smoking what remained of a broken Marlboro Light and holding a 20 oz plastic cup of beer. I proceed to open the door and the one cop takes a look at my filter free ciggy and asks me if I’m smoking a joint, I explain that it was a broken M/L, he asked to see it, I handed it off, he smelled it and was satisfied it was not pot. Instead of handing it back he tossed it into my beer and that’s when I called him a “fucking dick”. Within seconds I was dragged out and thrown against the wall and cuffed for drunk and disorderly, or is it drunken disorderly? Anyway, they proceed to haul me to the BG PD because I refuse to cooperate with them. After an hour of cooling my heels in a small room with handcuffs on I start behaving better, they issue me a ticket and offer me a ride back. I told them they could stick there ride to which they responded “suit yourself” and told me I was free to go. Thing is they didn’t even bother to give me directions to the front door. Took me 20 minutes to figure out how to get out of the station. Once on the street I had no idea where my friends place was, only that it was close to the railroad tracks. I just started walking. Got lucky and heard a train in the distance and started to meander in that direction. Once I found the tracks I had to choose which way to follow them, well I chose wisely and found my friends place back. All in all I was gone about 2 1/2 hours and out about $80 for the ticket. How was I supposed to know you can’t call a cop an effing dick?
CC,
i agree that the server pays the tab, but technically that is illegal for the establishment to make the workers pay for it.
oh and i watched someone get arrested last sat/sun night. me.
wb, spicoli did that to mr. hand. you should have known better.
t-storm: Please don’t leave us hanging. Do tell!
Oh it’s not that exciting. Driving to a bar (The Drunken Fry) Sat night before Easter to make last call i got pulled over for having a tail light out (do you always check your lights, well maybe I should when I’ve been out!).
They looked at my license and insurance and there was an issue with my license that goes back a few years. Turns out that was an arrestable offense,
So they loaded me into the back of the cruiser and I got to spend the night and a good portion of Easter in the OKC County Jail. What a shit hole.
Finally got booked, my oranges (uniform), and a cell at about 7 am, climbed into my top bunk and went to sleep.
Since I was in the top bunk I just laid there, the top is impossible to get out of. It’s just high enough that I can’t lower myself to the next bunk down and there is nothing to hold on to, plus the edge of the bunk is super thin bent metal, imagine sitting on the edge of a metal garbage can.
So at 2:30 (time to go to the dentist) they let me out on my own recognizance (sp?). I did not eat any of their shitty food, shitty food = shit, which is not something I do well in full view of strangers out in the open.
I took a cab home and had to figure out how to rescue my car from impound, how to get to the airport the next morning (flying to cincy for Reds opening day (and then night)), and how to get to the 500 Miles to Memphis show that night.
So all told a $2.50 bulb has cost me about $600.
Good times.
I live in the Haight Ashbury, San Francisco and have for the last 22 years. I see insane/drunken/high (and any combination thereof) people daily here, hence it is no longer amusing to me – just a daily fucking annoyance. I love our cops here, but arresting people is meaningless. They’re back out instantly to reoffend. We have the weakest DA’s Office in the country (and have for the last 20 years).
Wow – bitter much? It is definitely time to move on. So I am!
Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
I’ve been a library employee for 10 years, and some of the hijinks that have happened there over the years simply beggar belief. We had a guy who used to visit for the sole purpose of smearing his own shit on our mens’ room wall. When he was caught, he seemed genuinely surprised at being banned. Another guy asked a staff member for change to make a phone call… then used our payphone to call in a bomb threat. It took the police half an hour to respond…. and they’re located RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET…..
I was in a pub being harassed by a drunken ass who kept groping me and repeatedly asking if my breasts were real. Since there were no bouncers — I was in one of those countries and in a small local joint where they rely on the patrons to sort out any wrongdoing amongst themselves — a couple of my friends were about to beat the stuffing out of the idiot when I told them I didn’t want them to get arrested and asked the bartender to call the police to handle it. When the cops arrived, they asked the guy to step outside for a conversation, but he refused. Repeatedly.
The place was really crowded and I was stuck in a small alcove (in retrospect, a great place to trap a potential victim) as the cops lost their patience and took the guy down right at my feet. A broken bar stool. Flying fists. I was getting kicked in the shins (collateral damage) as I tried to escape and at the same time preserve the fresh pint in my hand (priorities). When the dust settled, one cop had the guy’s face pinned to the ground as he tried to squirm away. The more he moved, the harder the cop pressed down. After they cuffed him and jerked him up off the ground, the guy had a bloody, filthy carpet burn covering half his face and a giant shiner. The cops stopped manhandling the guy long enough to politely apologize for inadvertently involving me in the scuffle and confirm that I was OK. And off they went, I assume to throw him in the drunk tank for the night. I could only hope that the idiot contracted a raging infection on his face from the myriad bacteria trapped in the bar’s ancient carpet, which in my opinion would be an appropriate punishment.
…many years later he won two super bowls.
@t-storm
Dammit…wish I had thought of that! Nicely played.
Where I hang out, I have seen literally dozens of people get arrested, often putting up a hell of a fight. Where do I hang out? In front of the television watching “cops”.
I wouldn’t have been able to tear myself away from the library – I’m really nosey when it comes to weird public scenes.
Me too! Nice t-storm!
While visitng a friend in Bowling Green, KY, about eight yrs ago, we witnessed from her front porch the police apprehending a screaming nutjob at the intersection of 13th and College St.
Ognir, funny umbrella story.
Mark: That is fantastic!
t-storm: Clever, dude, clever!! LMFAO!!!!!!!
t-storm — it’s a very slow day in my head. It took me a minute to figure it out, but yes, nicely done.
i feel i should bow out like costanza.
I work at a Library and we have at least one major crazy ass public performance ending in arrest or a lifetime banning every few months. Its awesome! My favorite arrest story though is from my boy… He was 3 yrs old in the truck with his grandparents and they got stuck at a slow intersection. Right next to them the boy spies a man face first on a cop car with two officers holdin him down putting on cuffs. There’s all kind flashing lights and hollerin and the guys worming around and cussin, and the grandparents are HORRIFIED at what he is going to make of this whole scene. The boy just calmly watches the production, and as they pull away he says “I think that man is sad. He needs a band-aide or a cookie.”