We’re considering going to West Virginia for Thanksgiving, after all. Toney’s supposed to be finished with her training class, or whatever, around 3:30 on Wednesday, and we might just go for it and leave as soon as she gets home.
It’s a long trek, however, and would mean we probably wouldn’t get to my parents’ house until 1 am, or later. Not really a problem, but driving that time of night, during this time of year, isn’t exactly ideal. Ya know?
There’s a stretch, on Interstate 68 I think, that seems to be covered in snow year-round. And it’s completely secluded, with nothing but open fields as far as the eye can see. If we had some kind of problem out in that potbelly-stove country, they probably wouldn’t find our skeletons until spring.
Plus, there’s a big honkin’ hunk of I-79 in West Virginia where cell phones become nothing but a prop. And, have you ever seen Wrong Turn, about a group of people who have car trouble in that general part of the country? Well, I have.
Then there’s the possibility of fog. Rain and snow don’t scare me, but fog sure does. When I pass through a patch of that stuff while driving, my sphincter cinches-off so tight a single strand of optical fiber couldn’t be fed through there.
Yeah, but it’s funny. If it were just me, I’d make the trip without even thinking about it. In fact, when my mother was having medical issues a few years ago, I went back and forth during January and February, on a regular basis. But it makes me nervous when the family is involved. Having additional responsibilities changes the equation…
But we’ll see how it goes. If the weather is clear, we’ll probably do it.
And speaking of fog… Years ago Mark Maynard and I were driving from San Francisco to Los Angeles, on Highway 1. That’s the winding two-lane road along the coast of California, with spectacular mile-high rock cliffs overlooking the ocean. And, in many places, no guard rails…. Gulp.
We were in a rented van (a long and ridiculous story), and went through a miles-long stretch of thick fog. And the fact that I managed not to shit my pants that day is one of my proudest achievements.
We almost literally couldn’t see beyond the hood of our vehicle, and weren’t 100% sure we were in the correct lane, or even on the road. And that’s no good, even in the best of situations. But when you’re riding on a highway that features a 200-foot drop onto jagged rocks, as an excuse for a shoulder, it’s no good, supersized.
But we made it, needless to say. And when we were finally in clear sunlight (whew!) Mark pulled over and… picked up some hitchhikers. To counteract the sudden decrease in white-knuckle terror, I guess.
There is no way in hell I’d ever do such a thing. Pick up a hitchhiker along a highway? No freaking way. But on that day my input was not requested, and Mark allowed three people, two guys and girl, all approximately 17 years old, into our van.
At least one of them could’ve used a good pit-scrubbin’, there was a distinct tang in the air, and I was convinced one of those guys would eventually reach over the seat and wrap a wire around my neck. That’s what I thought about the whole time: a wire around the neck.
But we dropped them off at a convenience store somewhere, without incident. Yes, what a memorable day… If one of those young soapless strangers had just had a snake draped across his shoulders, like Alice Cooper, it would’ve been the full phobia combo platter.
Have you ever picked-up a hitchhiker? Or, conversely, have you ever hitchhiked yourself? Do you have a story to tell on that subject? Use the comments link below.
Needless to say, I have nothing else to add…
I placed a rather large order with the T-Shirt Lady yesterday, and should be able to start mailing shirts in about two weeks.
Thanks to everyone who pre-ordered, I really appreciate it. And if you didn’t, not a problem. I’ll have plenty of extras. But if you want them by Christmas, you should probably order soon. As they say on Dr. Dre Behind the Music, “Know what I’m sayin’?”
Here’s the link, once again. Are you getting the feeling we’ll be seeing a lot of that link? Yeah, me too.
And I need to call it a day, my friends. I have to go to work, and my car has roughly an eyedropper of gasoline in the tank. I guess I should fill it up?
Yeah, and since I’ll be at the gas station anyway, perhaps I’ll buy one of those hyper-extended bonus cans of Pringles, and eat the entire column while in transit? You know, since I’ll be at the gas station anyway.
See you guys tomorrow.
Yeehaw!!!!! ONE
2!!! maybe
Top 10!
3rd!
I have driven the foggy ribbon of Highway One and even sailed the same course…at night. I have never picked up a hitchhiker…mainly because they are NEVER as hot as they appear in the movies.
no. 4th but still, not bad..
The only way I make the top ten is to take a day off from work……who cares….Top Ten
Jeff,
Love reading the WVSR, and it’s one of the traits that makes you funnier than hell, but man, you worry about a lot of things.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters………
hELLLO!
I’ve picked up two hitchhikers in my life. Both were men, on seperate occasions, and it was when I was younger, perhaps 20 years old. The first guy smelled of meat and musty camping equipment. He was about 60ish and he started telling me about his “journey”, he’d been on the road for several years. Then he said, “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.” I’m not sure why, but it made me absurdly uncomfortable. I went to church on a regular basis back then. But somehting about a stranger saying, “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.” just really gives me the creeps.
The second guy smelled of beer and weed. We drove for a while and he asked me to stop at a gas station so he could get something to eat. He came back with a 12 pack and a single package of peanut butter cups. He gobbled down the PB cups and started guzzling down beers and tossing the dead soldiers out the window. He drank 3 or 4 in the matter of 3 or 4 miles. I started getting nervous because he started talking shit. I pretended there was something wrong with the back rear tire and asked him if he’d hop out and check it. When he did I hauled ass. I kept the rest of his beer. I could see him in the mirror, jumping up and down with his arms in the air. Then I noticed his bag laying in the floorboard. So I turned around and drove back by him and tossed it into the ditch. FUCK YOU! he kept screaming.
Do you normally thread strands of optical fiber through your sphincter?
I have never in my life hitchhiked or picked one up. As a female it was always impressed upon me as being exceedingly dangerous. Doesn’t make sense when you factor in all the other risky things I have done!!!
I’ve had a ride of terror back in the ’70s when I was a newly minted driver. Fog in the appalachin mtns in western VA on I-64 near the Skyline Drive. That shit came out of nowhere and bam!, couldn’t even see the front edge of the car. Seems this stretch of road is notorious and they have strip lights built into the edge of the road so you don’t run off the mountain. egads!
I didn’t stop shaking for 3 days.
Only hitchhikers I ever picked up were some french sailors. I lived in Norfolk VA and the french fleet was visiting the area for some bicentennial ceremonies in ’76. I was a 17 yr. old with a car and gas was only 60 cents a gallon. I ended up driving them all over the place and my friends and I partaaaay-ed every night for 2 weeks cuz even though they didn’t speak English, they could buy BOOZE!lol
I remember driving home from a family reunion some years ago, and you couldn’t see two feet past the hood on account of soupy fog. I could’ve shit diamonds, and my neck felt as unyielding as a tree branch once we finally got home. I was a green driver, and I remember my dad looking at me like, “Yep. That’s right.” Like I had passed a trial by fire.
As far as hitchhiking, I’ve never tried it. But about three years ago, my girlfriend and I were driving back from my folks’ Christmas party at 1 a.m. It was cold as shit, and the wind was pushing my car all over the road. Of course, when the vehicle slowly wound down in the middle of nowhere, I knew things had just gotten worse. (Alternator, it turns out, so no roadside fix for that.)
But as I hunched over the engine, cursing for all I was worth, a minivan pulled up. A gentleman of the redneck persuasion got out and we jumped the car off enough to pull it up an exit. I also tried to call a friend who lived nearby; no answer, and we were a good 40 miles from my home in Greensboro.
I figured we were good and screwed, but the fellow offered to drive us back home. It really caught me off guard, because as I said it was 40 miles, and the middle of the night. But sure enough, his girlfriend explained that he “liked to drive around.” We jumped in the van with him and his old lady (both reeking of beer), and he took us right to my front door. We stopped on the way and I bought him $40 or so in gas, but I felt like that wasn’t enough. He wouldn’t hear of anything more, though.
And it’s a funny thing: I still remember this guy as a guardian angel of sorts, and I don’t even remember his name. We would have been in some serious trouble if not for his act of kindness. So it still kinda makes me feel bad that I dropped a big wrench in my pocket to smash his head open–in case they tried anything. Cause, you know, Satanic cults and whatnot …
When I was a youngster I hitch-hiked one time. My Mom used to toss us out of the vehicle when she was fed-up and say, “walk home”. She’s a real sweetie.
Most of the time I just walked… but one time I got picked up. I was about 15. Turns out the boys who picked me up had a REALLY bad reputation, but I didn’t know until later. They were very polite and told me I shouldn’t be hitch-hiking.
My brother hitch-hiked all over. Late 70s early 80s. I think he even hitch-hiked home from school Pittsburgh to Harrisburg.
We have a hitchhiker that we pick up all the time. I have even told him to call if he needs a ride. I think he lost his license and he’s real nice.
They’re not all creepy, sometimes, just down on their luck, or couldn’t afford gas.
I picked up a guy along Rt. 52 in Ohio one evening. He stuck a shiv in my side and said that if I didn’t pull over, it was going all the way through. Needless to say, I ended up off in the woods with my pants around my ankles and he had his way with me. Come to think of it, that started a new life for me.
My father used to hitchhike several hundred miles between his Marine base and home when he would get a pass (back in the 40’s and 50’s). He picked up a beer-soaked hitchhiker in the late 50’s with my mother in the car. She gave him an earful about that, so that ended their hitchhiker days.
My brother managed to break down several years ago on a deserted stretch of highway. Several minutes later, a state patrol car picked him up. Turns out it was a K-9 unit with a large german shepherd lounging across the entire back seat area. The trooper proceeded to drive him to the next town at 100+ miles an hour (dog snoozed most of the way), waited while he bought parts, and drove him back at 100+ miles an hour. Your tax dollars at work – that’s service.
Way back when Ronnie Reagan was learning the presidency, my girlfriend at the time and I hitched from Huntsville Alabama out to L.A and back. Took 3 months. Southern route out; northern route back.
So many stories. So many nice, decent, generous people. But the weird ones jump into my mind. Some guy around Chicago wanted us to go with him to make porno movies. “Hey look, there’s my exit…”
One guy I probably wouldn’t take a ride from is Jeff’s friend Mark he linked to in this update. I went to his blog. The guy’s kind of a douche. No he’s solidly a douche.
Jeff – JR and i have driven that stretch of “highway from LaVale up thru to PA many times, often during the holidays, and often in fog so thick that you simply weight for the weightless feeling that means you have sailed off the road and will soon land in someone’s pasture. She’s from Wheeling, me from DC, so it was an inlaw trip each time. We have long since decided that my famlily can piss off, Wheeling is safer. One trip especially on 68 at the top of the hill west of LaVale, the fog didn;t descend so much as attack, and we dropped to 8 miles per hour. had the truck in front of me driven into a cliff, I’d have been embedded well up his ass. Good times
Did pick up one hitchhiker, 1988, Boulder CO.
Beautiful blonde hitching in Boulder canyon, she was a bartender at the hotel Boulderado, so i was fairly sure there was no danger. She, however, wasn’t so sure about me, and i have no idea if the house i dropped her off at was even in her neighborhood. Felt like i did something nice though.
I have only picked up hitch hikers once.
Once.
It was Late December, It was 10 degrees in Oklahoma, I live 3 miles off of a rural (as in only indians and white people) highway, It’s 9 miles to town from where I was, I had two toddlers in my Ford Explorer and I came across a car with two flat front tires on the side of the road. I felt bad cause It was really early in the am on a sunday and the windows were all fogged up and someone had written please help us!! on the inside of the windows, so I pulled up and 6 of the biggest black (young) men I have ever seen hopped out and rushed toward my truck. That was kind of freaky!! I barely cracked my window and asked if they needed help, I’m internally freaking out at this point just knowing that my husband was gonna kill me if they didn’t, the tallest guy is like 6′-7!! I’m 5′-1 3/4″ in tall in shoes. Anyway they are super happy to see me, it seems they hit something at 1:00 in the am, tried walking to help but it was -5 outside and they gave up and no one would stop for them they ran the car out of gas and their cell phones didn’t work cause its the boonies and please would I help them? Um, a 1994 Ford Explorer will hold, 6 huge black guys, me and two toddlers in car seats. I drove them to town and dropped them off at a convience store. Whew!
Come to find out they were members of a Texas Christian College Basketball Team on X-mas Break and Had been in a Local town doing volunteer work for the elderly and Invalids. and had decided to go to a local college town (30 miles away) to a dance club.
All worked out in the end. BUT I will never again pick someone up. It turned out so well the first time I would probably pick up Dahlmer Jr next time.
I’ve never hitched or picked up a hiker. Female and all… and having been lectured most of my life to never, ever, ever do it.
Oh! And i just put gas in my van: $2.03!
I used to live on highway 1 in Big Sur and drove that road with one eye (because, you know, I had been overserved) all the time. Gives me the full body shivers to think how many time I could have ended up like a bad car stunt in a 70s crime show.
I hitchhiked once. In Santa Cruz about 1979. There was a place on Highway 17 that all the high school kids and hippies used to stand on the way out of town. Me and my girlfriend were hitchhiking and MY UNCLE DROVE UP. Yeah, THAT was a mighty fun ride over the hill. Never did it again. I almost think being picked up by a serial killer would have been better than the ranting I had to endure that day.
Happy I-Don’t-Have-a-Job Wednesday, Surfers!
I filled up 2 days ago at 1.68 a gallon. Nice!
I’ve never thumbed a ride or picked anyone up. When I did my intership with the sheriffs dept we had to take a prisoner to another county. The guy was really chatty and the deputy I was riding with couldn’t stand him. He kept driving faster and faster until the guy shut up. I looked over and the speedometer and it said 138. It felt like the car was 8 inches above the road the entire time. When we got off the interstate and slowed down the guy started talking again like it never happened.
I used to hitchhike all the time, in and around St Albans, & back & forth to State. Never had a problem getting rides. Of course this was in the 70s.
Only occasional problems, usually from homos who started the conversation, “So, do you have a girlfriend?”
Yes and this is her house up ahead.
Another time when we were in high school, we were driving around and drinking when we saw this guy hitchhiking who wanted a ride to somewhere in Putnam County. So we picked him up. It was past midnight and we were pretty loaded.
As we went down the road we started fucking with the guy telling him we weren’t going to let him out and he kept getting more and more freaked out about it.
Finally we stopped the car and he bolted out the door, ran up on someone’s porch and started pounding on the door and then called the cops.
After a while, sure enough a sheriff’s deputy pulled us over and the first thing ha says when he walks up was “Who was sick?”. Our answer was “nobody”. Well, after he pulled us out of the car we saw why he asked. There was a yellow puke stripe running diagonally down the back door of a black car.
So he arrests the driver and 2 other passengers and puts them in the back of the cruiser and has the rest of us stand by our car while he searched it.
About that time I hear one of the guys in the cruiser, Paul, say, “We should just get out and run.” One of the other guys,Stan, says, “This is a cop car, you have to open the door from the outside”
Pete said, “Watch me” , opened the door and took off like a shot.
Well, that set the cop off and he jumped in and took off and left the rest of us standing there next a car with no keys.
He never found the Paul.
Later, Paul told me he was walking down the road when another deputy drove up on him and stopped him.
That deputy put him in the back and got in the front and said” You’ve run from one cop tonight. You won’t run from me.”
Paul once again said “Watch me”, took off out the door and proceeded to go home where he was never caught for the incident.
The rest of us hitchhiked home with no problems.
Good times.
That Maynard guy does seem like a douchenozzle.
Back in the late 60s, early 70s, I hitchhiked across the country numerous times. Was mildly concerned about one beer-swilling driver approaching full-blown impairment and a driver whose gender I was never able to determine, but never had a terribly bad experience. I routinely hitched from my college in Ohio to my hometown in Oregon in 3 days, going round the clock. I once had a ride all the way from Denver to Dayton in a Caddie convertible. If one had the “Youth Culture” look of the time, there was little difficulty getting rides from car-owning longhairs.
However, I was once stuck on the interstate ramp at Miles City, Montana, for 36 hours before someone gave me a ride. Turned out a hitchhiker had murdered and eviscerated a local the week before I breezed in. Profiling’s a bitch!
No hitchhikers ever and I never hitched. I like my peace/quiet and I like to yell at Rush Limbaugh and call him a right wing degenerate drug abuser everytime he mentions liberals.
Only hitched once – at about 3 am on a pretty deserted stretch of freeway the fuse box inside my car started on fire (a lot), so my friend and I decided driving it any further would be unwise, considering the luck we’d had so far that night (we were coming back from the emergency room). We waved down a tiny little car with two asian guys, about 20 and 50 yo, who spoke no english. We eventually got them to understand to drop us at a gas station. Overall it was fine. I wouldn’t recommend it though…
I have picked up many hitchhikers over the years. It makes road trips more exciting.
I spent most of my teen years hitching around Hawaii mostly to and from school as it was safer then the School busses most of the time being I was a Haoli (read non-local for polite company) Back then usually prefixed with “F*&^en Haoli”
Only had someone try to drive off in a different direction once luckily I was in the back of the pickup and just hoped out at the next light.
I fear no road conditions. My wife will tell you it’s because I’m an idiot behind the wheel.
I maintain I’m a very good driver and the two people I hit were asking for it.
Never hitched, never picked up anyone.
I can’t even remember the last time I saw someone waling down a road with his thumb out.
But as I recall, most of the hitchikers I saw were (or at least I imagine they were) hippies. And we all know what I think about that.
The only other things that come to mind about hitchiking are the opening scence of The Twilight Zone movie with Dan Akroyd and Albert Brooks and the 5 book trilogy by Douglas Adams.
Clearly I am having a bad spelling day.
I hitched once in highschool; we were on the way to the prom and the poop-brown shit-vette crapped out on the way from dinner to the dance. We ended up going in a vw bus with some older hippies who were smoking a J. It was like something out of Napoleon Dynamite – we were all in formalwear surrounded by potsmoke, all crammed together in the back of a dirty van.
Sigh. I miss those days sometimes.
Never picked up a hitchhiker. But I’d like to offer the following….instead of
‘sphincter cinches-off so tight a single strand of optical fiber couldn’t be fed through there’, I would suggest
‘sphincter cinches-off so tight you couldn’t have driven a hypodermic needle up there with a sixteen-pound sledgehammer’
when you hit clarksburg exit on I 79 look west and wave
I’m only 25 miles away
I used to hitchhike a lot as a teenager. Got picked up by lots of queers (excuse me for not being politically correct) looking for some sweet young meat….. I’ve picked up a few hitchhikers, too. The best pickup was three teenage girls. Most recently I came upon a female hitchhiker – short skirt, low cut top. Of COURSE I picked her up!!! Then she propositioned me. Oh, shit. The Highway Hooker….. Just what I need….. I told her “no thanks” and she immediately wanted out…..
CaribbeanJoe
Last “hitchhiker” I picked up was a Mexican guy with a broken down car on the side of Interstate 5 in Washington. Drove him back into town to the barrio section of my hometown…then bought a Cole and a bottle of water for his friend who stayed with the broken down car on the side of the road. Yeah, I probably have racist views and all…but helping out guys in shitty cars broken down on the side of the road is something that transcends all.
Good for you, Jeff Kay, on the kinda-sorta decision to go home for Thanksgiving. Last Summer I drove 38 hours from Seattle to Buffalo, NY to deliver a car to my wife…who is spending the year living with her mother. Man up and do the drive!
I used to pick up hitchhikers a lot; haven’t done it since my college days. One of my friends picked up a woman who turned out to be a hooker, and she literally refused to get out of the car until he drove her all the way downtown.
I have hitched on a few occasions. It’s the normal mode of transportation in certain parts of sub-Saharan Africa, and I spent 4 hours (to go 60 miles) on the top of a transport truck to get from the capital to the village where I worked. There were a lot of us on the top of that giant truck (I was the only non-local), sitting on top of a truckload of cassava, which is awfully hard and lumpy, further compounded by the fact that it was covered with burlap. There were (I kid you not) live chickens running around up there. Everyone sat in a circle and took turns passing around babies and Vat 69 whiskey (which is also nasty stuff). I also hopped a fire truck once while I was there to get away from an albino who probably wanted to kill us.
I don’t see very well, and I am very petite (5’1″), so I have a really hard time when it is dark or raining, and especially when it is dark *and* raining.
still peeing…
sigh. THANKS Jeff…
No Hitchers picked up by me, but I had my ass beat for getting caught by a neighbor when I was about Ten, those were the days when virtually anyone could spank you and get away with it.
Hilarious update, best I can remember in awhile. Now I have to pee.
I pick up hitch hikers quite often. I’ve been in their shoes so I can empathize. Normally I kinda make a quick judgment about if I could take them in a fight or not and if I can I pick them up. Plus I drive with a .45 stuffed into the drivers side of the console and should a hitchhiker pull something squirrelly I ventilate their innards with a dozen chunks of high velocity lead quite rapidly.
I’ve picked up both male and female, both creepy and normal. Had a couple of male passengers proposition me which was decidedly creepy. A few of the female ones have offered much the same. Never been scared or had a really bad experience except for the male offers of fellatio or ass sex.
I’ve hitchhiked myself many times. I hitched/rode freight trains all the way from Chicago to Miami when I was 17. Again, nothing disturbing happened except the propositions from various dudes who looked like your English teacher or principal. A toothless derelict dude did try to whip my ass in a train yard once when I was hopping a freight. He was drunk and couldn’t stand up too well let alone fight or manipulate the knife he was threatening me with. Knocked him down and kicked him square in the nose and ran away.
If you’re a man of adventure and not too afraid of rough areas and sketchy situations I recommend a summer of hopping trains and hitchhiking.
kids couldn’t hurt Jack, they tried, tried, tried
Hitched a few thousand miles in my day. In 1965 a friend and I hitched from Boston to Aspen and back. Later we tried to hitch across Canada. Not much luck after North Bay. We spent days in a drainage ditch and finally turned around. Later another friend and I hitched from Boston to Miami and back. Great way to travel back then. Haven’t done it or picked up anyone since then. I had quite a few stories from all the adventures. On the first trip we were a few miles out of St. Louis at 10 pm on a Friday night. Six girls picked us up. My friend was from rural Maine and the girl he sat next to was his cousin. Damn small world. The next guy that gave us a ride made sure we saw the gun in his glove compartment. On the way back we got a ride from Denver to Rhode Island in a van full of hippies( we were also). We partied all the way back. Good times back then…
I picked up a couple of guys who promised to give me $5 promptly upon being driven to one guy’s house about 2 blocks away in a rather shady area of town to begin with. Why I did this in the first place was beyond me, but when you’re 17 yourself, who cares right? We ended up driving these guys all over the shady part of town to questionable bars so they could “break a $100 and buy beer”. I thought I was going to end up serving as their getaway car for a robbery or something. Thankfully, they gave me my $5 and left without incident. I’ll never do that again.
I’ve never hitch hiked or picked one up… I’ve never been without a car. I have, on occasion, stopped to toss a classified section out the window of my car at hitch hikers/homeless people/hippies and told them to get buy a car/get a job.
I’m with Mark… why the fuck would the thought of optical wire up your ass just pop in you head?
hitchhiked from work once when a schoolbus overturned and caused all the public transit buses to be 3 hours behind schedule. it was a nigerian man. he told me he was a deposed prince and needed my help to get the 78 million dollars that was locked in his overseas account and that all he needed was my social security card and bank account….
No to the hitchiking, though when I was younger I’d pick up kids I knew if they were thumbing it someplace. I just always had a car or a bike to get me where I wanted to go.
I applaud all of you who have had many a cross-country adventure hitching around. Sounds like a LOT of fun, even if a touch dangerous. Maybe that’s something I’ll plan to do during my twilight years, because after all, who WOULDN’T pick up a nice ol’ granny just looking for a ride?
Re: the fog. Hat that stuff. Almost as bad as driving in a blizzard. If the road isn’t visible, you can bet that I’m pulling over and waiting it out, or waiting for a semi to come by and show me the way. I’m a wuss, I know.
Fog. Hat.
Great name for a band, but not what i intended. Add an ‘e’ in there someplace.
Picked a guy near Stowe Vt. around 1977 4 a.m. going on a ski trip. Wind chill -50. I think we saved his life poor bastard ran out of gas and smell like a brewery. Should we have pulled an Adam and threw him a paper? …Didn’t think so.
Perhaps if he wasn’t a drunk he’d have realized he was about to run out of gas. Not that I have anything against drunks… I happen to be one myself, but I’ve never run out of gas.
Chlorine in the gene pool…
(*disclaimer*… since Nov 4th I’ve decided to re-read my Ayn Rand and Thomas Malthus so my attitude towards ineptitude is noticeably more harsh… at the moment I consider Genghis Khan a pinko)