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The First Few Paragraphs of Today’s Update, and Now the Rest

September 12, 2012 By Jeff 61 Comments

I was just moving some things around in the family room, and noticed the small stack of Surf Report shirts on the rocking chair in the corner.  That thing is a catch-all, nobody ever sits there.  There are folded blankets piled up on it, and at least one jacket hanging off the back, at all times.  Blankets, jackets, and… five remaining Surf Report shirts.

I want them gone. I have 3 smalls, 1 large, and 1 XXL.  If you’d like to have one, just donate five bucks to cover postage, and it’s yours.  They’ll be mailed Friday morning, and my t-shirt business will be officially over.  I don’t plan to ever do them again, so these are the final five.  You know, unless I change my mind…

I’ll update availability in the comments section, to the best of my ability.  I can’t comment while driving, but I’ll do what I can.  In fact, I’m just going to post this now, and keep working on the update.  Maybe they’ll be spoken for, by the time I leave for work at 2?  After you send the five bucks, please post the size you’d like in the comments.

This is a partial update… more in a few minutes.

And I’m back.  As I type this, there is one SMALL left.  Anyone want it?  Five bucks… They were originally $16.  First person to post in the comments that they’d like it, gets the FINAL Surf Report shirt.

I’m going back on the wagon.  Screw it.  I swore off beer while I was writing the first hundred pages of the new book — which are now in the hands of my agent — and got used to it.  I felt an obligation to nature to buy a case of the golden elixir once I reached my writing goal, however, and didn’t really enjoy it.  In fact, I felt a little guilty.

Things were going so well… I was sleeping better, reading more, and cranking out some quality dick jokes in the manuscript.  Why mess around with it?

So, I’m done for a while.  I’m just going to spend quality time with my Kindle, and try to get this book written.  I also want to work with Metten on a new Mockable project, and possibly start a new website that will only be updated on Mondays.  As usual, I have a million ideas dancing around in my head…

Tomorrow I’m going to launch a full Poppa Half-Shirt assault on our yard.  The boys have been mowing and “maintaining” the lawn this summer, and it needs some significant TLC.  Half-assery seems to be their motto.  So, I’m planning to spend most of Thursday whipping things into shape.  And I’d rather go to the goddamn dentist.

Once both of our hooligans are at college, we plan to sell this house and move back to the Atlanta area.  That’ll be in roughly five years.  We want to buy a condo, or a townhouse, in a neighborhood with restaurants and pubs within walking distance. And never mow another blade of grass, or whack another freakin’ weed.

This has been a great place to raise our kids, but I feel no connection to it.  It’s very strange, because we’ve been here for almost 13 years, but it’s never really felt like home.  Greensboro felt like home, and so did Atlanta.  Southern California?  Not so much.  And the same goes for northeastern Pennsylvania.

The South seems to be where we feel most comfortable, and if we can get back there before our organs start cutting in and out, I think we’ll be happy.

What’s your five year plan?  Do you have one?  And do you feel at home where you’re living now?  If you have anything on any of this stuff, please tell us about it in the comments.

And I need to go now.  Can’t be late…  Good god.  I’ll be back tomorrow night, or Friday.

See ya then!

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Comments

  1. Gonad the Bavarian says

    September 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    No more shirts? Mine are getting pretty worn, I’ll have to save them for special occasions to preserve them now.

    Reply
  2. Gonad the Bavarian says

    September 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Oh yeah, FIRST! and second…

    Reply
  3. Bill in WV says

    September 12, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    I really needed an 8X size for the un-svelte individual down the hall.

    Reply
  4. Dogberry says

    September 12, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    I’m holding out for the WVSR satin jacket.

    Reply
  5. Ginger says

    September 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Ooo! I want a small!

    Reply
  6. Ginger says

    September 12, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    And if someone could tell me how to work this fancy paypal thing, I’d donate. My button doesn’t seem to be working, but its probably me messing it up.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      September 13, 2012 at 12:30 am

      Ginger…

      If you really want a small AND your button doesn’t seem to be working, there are probably a few reporters who’d like to buy you a drink. Not naming names for reasons of national security.

      jtb

      Reply
  7. Elia says

    September 12, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    I sent 5 bucks for the XXL!

    Reply
  8. Theresa says

    September 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Ill take a small.

    Reply
  9. KYle says

    September 12, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    $5 sent for the large.

    Reply
  10. Heather B says

    September 12, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Hey I just donated $5 and I never got the option anywhere to say I wanted a shirt!

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      September 12, 2012 at 1:47 pm

      What size, Heather? I can send you a small.

      Reply
      • Heather B says

        September 12, 2012 at 1:54 pm

        Small is what I’d like! I’ll wear it with pride!

        Reply
        • Jeff says

          September 12, 2012 at 1:56 pm

          You got it!

          Just one SMALL left, and they’re gone.

          Reply
          • Ginger says

            September 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

            Still trying to get that last one! I hope I did it right!

            Reply
            • Jeff says

              September 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm

              It’s yours Ginger. Thank you!

              Reply
          • Bill in WV says

            September 12, 2012 at 3:41 pm

            I could put on a small, but would look like one of Will Ferrell’s characters, likely the Blue Oyster Cult cowbell player from the old SNL.

            Reply
  11. WB in OH says

    September 12, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Five year plan, I hope to have all my debts paid off and semi retire at 50. Take up a couple of part time jobs that I might enjoy and do some traveling as I build up a little mad money. Probably never happen.

    Reply
  12. Uncle_Wedgie says

    September 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    My WVSR apparel (not that you asked)
    Gray Tee with old school logo –worn around the house
    Blue Tee with old school logo – wear this one around town
    Maroon Tee with old school logo – my pool shooting shirt
    Green Tee with new logo – my girl friend thinks it looks like someone threw up on the front
    Maroon Tee with new logo (mistake model) – Everyone thinks I’m a VT fan
    Smoking Fish hats (2) – one for yard work and the other for more formal occasions

    Reply
  13. Lucie in Tampa says

    September 12, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Well I moved to Tampa a little over 20 years ago & I HATE it here. Yes Tampa has it’s perks, & it’s a great place to vacation, but this bug- infested, humid- hot- flip flop wearing city has lost all appeal. I only feel at home in N.E. Ohio, where I grew up. As soon as my son is old enough (and ready) I am moving back. Only reason I have stayed here is because I love my brat & this is his home town & his friends. I know how I hated being pulled back and forth from Ohio to Florida when my parents split, although I still remain close to my true good friends back home via facebook, phone, & trips home…

    Reply
    • Henderson says

      September 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

      I’m with you. I did 10 years in Tampa. Your description is dead on.

      Reply
      • neilyoungfan says

        September 13, 2012 at 2:49 am

        Shoot, I only lasted 6 months in the Tampa Bay area. Moved back to Ohio as soon as I could!

        Reply
        • Lucie in Tampa says

          September 13, 2012 at 8:27 am

          I would have moved back YEARS ago, had friends wanting to help me move home, places to stay, but I tried to stick it out with my husband for our son’s sake. STUPID. but now I have just a few more years… I already put in my desire @ work to move to the Ohio branch in 5 years….

          Reply
    • Root 66 says

      September 13, 2012 at 8:57 am

      I could never figure out what the fascination was with all the old folks in Ohio moving to Florida. That place is like living in a blast furnace!! I’m breaking out in a sweat just thinking about it. I enjoy the changing seasons here in the Buckeye state…autumn is coming and it’s my favorite!

      Reply
      • Lucie in Tampa says

        September 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

        MINE TOO!!!!

        Reply
  14. Dave says

    September 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Dude, you need to rethink the Atlanta plan (or at least drive around the area for a few days first)…the overcrowding and traffic are UNBEARABLE…especially in the various suburbs on secondary roads. And you’ll have to go out to dinner at 4:45PM in order to get a table anywhere worth going.

    Reply
    • CADude says

      September 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm

      At 4:45 he’ll make the Early Bird Special.

      Reply
  15. icecycle66 says

    September 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    I’ll be whackin’ my weed for the rest of my life.

    Reply
  16. madz1962 says

    September 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    5 year plan? I hope my ass isn’t resourced out of my job. Beloved wants to move somewhere warm and the thougt of that can make me physically ill. Is there a place on earth where it’s fall-like year round? Close to a beach? I can’t live in A/C 350 days out of a year.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      September 13, 2012 at 12:25 am

      Anywhere on Puget Sound. Less than fifteen minutes to the Sound; an hour to good snow skiing; about two hours from the Pacific Ocean Beach. Hits 80 occasionally in the summer, gets below freezing once in a while in the winter. Mostly 45-65 degrees. Oh yeah, and rain.

      jtb

      Reply
      • clintcurtis says

        September 15, 2012 at 3:15 am

        jtb, now tell them about the commute times! I was back home a couple months ago and learned to love it again…but man, has it grown!!!!!

        Reply
    • Knucklehead says

      September 13, 2012 at 6:58 am

      San Francisco. God, I miss that weather.

      Reply
      • clintcurtis says

        September 15, 2012 at 3:24 am

        Knucklehead, I left my heart in San Francisco, and although the memory is still hazy, I think I lost one of my kidneys in Thailand.

        Reply
    • Lucie in Tampa says

      September 13, 2012 at 8:31 am

      don’t move to Florida. I only get to turn off my a/c like two weeks out of the year & it’s sodamn hot outside I only want to leave the house for the few weeks of “winter” we have. I miss fall…..

      Reply
    • Rick in the UK now says

      September 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

      Eastern England. That’s one of the reasons I’ve stayed here for 20 years. Mebbe have some snow on the ground 5-10 days a year, rest of winter you’ll get some rain, temps 5-10C. You don’t have to shovel rain and that is awesome. Summer is warmish, 17-25C. Pretty much defines temperate climate.

      Reply
  17. Jeff says

    September 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Shirts are gone. Thanks guys!

    Reply
  18. Sluggy says

    September 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    5 year plan is to be anywhere but here!
    We moved to NEPA about the same time you did Jeff and we can’t stand it either….but it was a big improvement from where we started out in NJ.
    Same hole, different kind of hell there.

    It’s a shame we never connected & shared ur PA misery.

    In 5 yrs our youngest will be 21. If he goes the 4 yr college route and goes in PA, we’ll have to still be in PA to get the in-state rates….otherwise, Hubs will retire and we’ll be a vapor trail down I-81.
    No clue yet where we’ll go….some place not too warm for me, but not too cold for Hubs….where the state doesn’t tax the shit out of our pensions, etc……if this election goes badly and the country crumbles like we see it will, we’re thinking of becoming ex-pats but don’t have a clue where.

    Reply
  19. Henderson says

    September 12, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    5 years…..

    I will have my last child support payment on the oldest, and the youngest will start first grade.
    I’ll get my AARP card.
    I’ll reminisce about how hard my boners used to be.
    I’ll have been bald for 30 years.
    Maybe move back to Austin. They haven’t been keeping up their weird level since I left.
    Hopefully, I’ll be up to date on Nancy, Nostrils, Half Shirt and all the other people in the WVSR world.

    Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      September 15, 2012 at 3:26 am

      It’ll work out great…I think AARP offers a 10% discount on child support payments.

      Reply
  20. T. Farty McAppleass says

    September 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    I made a lot of money in real estate some years ago and paid our place in Alabama off. It doesn’t feel like home here. I moved from Texas 15 years ago and I still don’t feel like I fit in. My kids are too small to do anything dramatic within the next 5 years. So I guess I get us a bigger house and sell my riding mower and hire out the yard work again. That’ll be the ticket.

    I used to have people do my yard and decided I’d save money by getting a riding mower and doing it myself. Worst mistake ever. Yes, I’ve saved a lot of money, but I’m not a fucking gardener. Our bushes and stuff looked like shit pretty quickly and I still had to hire someone to come in and clean up the bushes and flowerbeds. To hell with that. I’m leaving it to the pros.

    And when it comes to my 5 year plan, I don’t have to have a GIGANTIC house. Just a 2 story with a 3 car garage will do. And a nice big yard – that someone else can mow.

    I’m also on the wagon. Have been for a couple of months. Everything is going disappointingly well.

    Reply
  21. icecycle66 says

    September 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    We like where we are now. The only threats we have are cross border gan warfare and the threat of running out of water because a-holes in Phoenix like long showers. It’s not that bad really.

    I plan on “retiring” when i am 35, that’s in 6 years. So in five years I will either be promoted to Insanely-overpayed-government-employee (instead of my current position as overpayed-government employee), or be giving whatever Colonel I am working for a 1 year notice of resignation.

    Reply
  22. icecycle66 says

    September 12, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    You guys not drinking anymore. If you get a hankerin’ for something special, try fancy rootbeer. Ever since I accidentaly conditioned myself away from booze I drink fancy rootbeer for that flavorful kick.

    Reply
  23. bikerchick says

    September 12, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    I love the Pittsburgh area. If we ever moved, it would just be farm country still in western PA. It’s home and it feels like home. But I know the feeling of “not belonging”. It’s unsettling to say the least. Although I must admit, I don’t believe Pittsburgh is the friendliest city. I think alot of people are what I call “10 cent millionaire’s”……they think they’re worth a million, but in reality only worth 10 cents. Get over yourself.

    Gosh…in 5 years I hope to have a self supporting, successful business in doing what I love. I would like to get married again…I’m old fashioned like that…what of it? And I would like the house remodeled before we buy another bike, camper, golf cart, or any other fucking toy you can think of.

    Reply
  24. chill says

    September 12, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Five years? Wow, that’s a long time.

    I’d like to have some sort of handle on retirement. I like the area where I live (except for the weather), but I don’t like the yardwork. I’d like to either get rid of the house, or be able to hire someone to do said yardwork. Hooking up with a good woman would be welcome as well.
    .

    Reply
  25. Jimbo says

    September 12, 2012 at 8:52 pm

    My five-year plan: don’t die.

    In the last two months, I’ve had Lyme disease and West Nile Virus. They gave me the antibiotic doxycycline to treat the Lyme disease, and it gave me a condition called Intracranial Hypertension.

    None of the doctors caught onto this shit until recently… for the past month, I’ve had six different doctors tell me that I’m just stressed. In that time, there were probably a dozen nights when I prayed that I’d be alive and wake up in the morning.

    Yeah, just stress. Assholes. And they all refused to run a spinal tap, which would have revealed the Intracranial Hypertension that was crushing my brain.

    However, I appear to be on the mend now. Let’s hope that this trend continues. In five years, I’ll have completed my collection of all rare diseases.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      September 13, 2012 at 1:10 pm

      I don’t know if those intellectual asshats in labcoats told you but once you have Lymes, it always shows up in your system – kinda like the clap. So the next time you feel shitty and they say “You have Lymes” tell them to delve a little deeper.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        September 13, 2012 at 1:11 pm

        Oh, and of course – get better soon! Glad you’re on the mend.

        Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      September 13, 2012 at 2:51 pm

      Damn dude, get better and that’s an order! I know what you mean, I lived (in severe pain) for about a month, before they did a lumbar puncture on me and found that I had spinal meningitis. Six full weeks of some of the worst headaches I’ve ever had in my life. Great way to lose 30 lbs tho. I rarely EVER get a headache anymore, even in blood-sucking stressful situations. So, I got that going for me.

      Reply
    • Rick says

      September 13, 2012 at 4:12 pm

      I still say you need to go for the hat trick and get the swine flu too.

      Reply
  26. MC Perfunctory says

    September 12, 2012 at 9:52 pm

    I’ve been out of work for 9 months now, my 5 year plan is just a dream that I can earn a living again someday! That dream is made difficult by the fact that I’m 53.

    Crap, missed out on the XXL shirt. One would think since I’m not working I’d have been able to catch that one right away!
    Oh well, the one that I have will have to be used a bit more sparingly in the future to make it last.

    Reply
  27. johnthebasket says

    September 13, 2012 at 12:39 am

    Five -Year Retirement Plan
    (after not working for 6 years due to back surgeries)
    .

    Its the same story the crow told me; its the only one he knows.
    Like the morning sun you come and like the wind you go.
    Aint no time to hate, barely time to wait,
    Wo, oh, what I want to know, where does the time go?

    Reply
  28. Phil Jett says

    September 13, 2012 at 7:01 am

    8 year plan, at that point I will be eligible for the company’s retirement money and with my 401K I should be good to go. If the company ever shuts down the plan (which many companies have done over the years, I’m FUCT and will never retire.

    Reply
  29. Knucklehead says

    September 13, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Moving to Italy WAS my 5 year semi-retirement plan. Thanks to the crash and a job loss (and no work for over a year) we moved it up. Yeah, the timing sucked and it was TERRIFYING, mostly because we really weren’t ready financially, but we’ve never regretted it for a minute.
    Sure, I’ll be working until I’m dead here, but ‘working’ here is dealing with people on holiday and changing beds. Big deal.

    Happy Thursday, Surfers!

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      September 13, 2012 at 7:27 am

      Knucklehead…

      I admired your courage when you crossed the world to Italy to live and I admire your tenacity in continuing to live there. It’s also pretty cool for the Surf Report to have an Italian bureau. Long way from City Lights Books.

      jtb

      Reply
      • Knucklehead says

        September 13, 2012 at 2:18 pm

        Thanks, jtb. I’m a firm believer in “if it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger”.

        I also drink a lot.

        Reply
        • icecycle66 says

          September 13, 2012 at 4:17 pm

          Unless it’s HIV.

          Reply
  30. Joe T. says

    September 13, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    If I wasn’t born and raised in this area Jeff, I’d leave it too. But after your recent decision, why a townhouse within walking distance of a pub? Planning on a bender once you leave? 🙂

    Reply
    • The Qweezy Mark says

      September 13, 2012 at 8:50 pm

      Slack jawed yokel !

      Reply
  31. icecycle66 says

    September 14, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Hooray! My first Congressional Inquery!

    Reply
  32. hollerbabe says

    September 15, 2012 at 10:58 am

    5 year plan? Really? Bwah-hah-hahhhh!! How about surviving till then and then maybe I get to figure it out. Right now, my life resembles a log roller in action. Guess what the logs are made of…So in 5 years, maybe we won’t be raising a second family, or taking care of my elderly parents toadily by ourselves, and maybe we won’t be living in Central Ohio anymore. They like to call it that around here–Central Ohio. Makes it more spayshul. Don’t move here. There is nothing. And the people who live here have lived her for generations, some of them never venturing much outside the city limits, unless you count going to the local fairgrounds a coupla times a year. Generation after generation of kids growing up and never wanting to live anywhere but here, even though the factories are dead and the economy is based on some sort of financially incestuous relationship where the people who work at McDonalds support the people who work at Wendy’s by buying their meals there, and vice versa. When it’s hot, it’s unbearable because of the humidity. When it’s pleasant, it’s unbearable because there is either an icy fall wind blowing down from the north, or an icy spring wind from same. When it’s cold, it’s heart stopping cold. No local news stations. So when there are tornadoes about, you hafta run out and look up at the sky for indications of whether you can go back inside and wait it out in the dark, or wedge into a closet and kiss your ass goodbye–if you could only reach it, or maybe run next door and beg a spot in the neighbor’s crawspace–if you enough time. Actually, it seemed like a good idea at the time–moving here. It was centrally located to everything we thought we would need. heh. Centrally located to nothing. I have lived in Florida. Missed the seasons. I have lived in Georgia. The bugs are huge, the rains are overwhelming, the heat is unbelievable. Nashville was a nice place, but it certainly grew up. Going back to visit after college was creepy, like something out of Planet of the Apes. The main road we always took to get around the neighborhood was replaced by an even wider road that was built up somehow, because it ended abruptly at the upper torsos of what had been full body copper statues of some sort of Southern heroes. Rural Kentucky is scary. That’s all I got to say about that. Michigan was a challenge, only a few days of unbearable heat and humidity in September, very pretty in the fall, there is no spring (don’t let them tell you they always have one, don’t know what happened this year), ice in winter but then where ya gonna go if ya slide off the road?–into a cornfield. People are very untrusting there, though. It’s not at all like West Virginia, where, if you slide off the road, you will more than likely die of fright before you hit the bottom of the mountainside your car just fell off of. West Virginia, where I was born and raised, is my all time favorite. People are friendlier there. You have to be careful where you live depending on your job. Some places are just awful for professionals. Living retired is a different story, especially now with the internet. Somewhere up in the mountains in southern WV, maybe. Who knows. If I go thru as many changes in the next 5 years as I have in the last 5, it’s hard to say. My 5 year plan? Survival. Wait for the dust to settle. Get my bearings. Then go from there. Sounds good. If only I was in my 20s or 30s, instead of my 60s…
    Sorry I missed the shirts, but you were out of my size long ago–if you ever even had it (2X or 3X, depending on whether made in China or Sri Lanka). Please consider considering them again someday after you have recovered from the trauma of the most recent promo. Good luck on the wagon. I finally just moved my stash to my medicine cabinet, and considered it all a form of medicine, like aspirin or acetaminophen, to be taken as needed, when I felt like I needed it. Like other over-the-counter stuff, you don’t overmedicate.

    Reply
    • Mitzi says

      September 19, 2012 at 6:30 am

      Hollarbabe

      Everyone should have a WVSR shirt before they die. Or slide into a corn field. I ordered and extra xxxl of the green one – long sleeved – that hasn’t seen any wear. The hubs doesn’t get it. If you want to donate the $5 to Jeff I’ll send it to ya.

      Reply

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