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The Final Conversation? With Legwarmers

January 9, 2011 By Jeff 32 Comments

Sunshine has apparently gone underground.  Nobody has heard from her since she and Mumbles boarded a westbound train on Tuesday.  I suspect she’s not taking Nancy’s calls (Toney hasn’t tried), in an attempt to “punish” all of us.  She left here angry at the world, and I think she wants everyone to worry.  But, from what I can gather, it isn’t really working.

Toney took S&M to Syracuse on Tuesday, and needed to get back to town before five, for a meeting.  The train station is about a mile from a giant mall, and she thought they could wait there and take a cab to their train when it was time.  They could eat their favorite lunch (food court Chinese), go shopping (Sunny’s obsession), and people-watch (“Did you see the way that rich bitch looked at me?!”).

But the Queen declined, for no clear reason.  Probably just to be difficult…  Toney argued with her about it, but her mother had already dug in her heels.

“Whatever,” Toney said.  “But I need to get back.  I don’t have any choice.  If you’d rather sit around a train station than a mall, that’s your business.”

As they were driving Toney asked if they wanted to at least have lunch at the food court, and they begrudgingly agreed.  So everyone ate in tense silence, and after they were finished Sunny stood up and announced that she was now going to do a bit of shopping.  And she started to shuffle away.

The top of Toney’s head nearly blew off.

“I don’t think so!” she shouted.  “You could’ve spent three hours here, but wouldn’t cooperate.  We’re going to the train station!”  Toney was already running twenty minutes late, and had had it with all the boolshit.

As they exited the mall there were three cabs lined up, waiting to pick up fares.  And when they got to the train station, the guy working there was very friendly and helpful, and offered to check their luggage, and lock up any of their other belongings.  You know, if S&M wanted to pass some time at the mall down the road.

Ha!  They should’ve adopted the Toney Plan…  If Sunny hadn’t been such a disagreeable old bag, she probably would’ve had a fine time.  But, under the circumstances, they would be sitting on wooden benches for three hours, in a Syracuse train station.

I guess the goodbye wasn’t exactly a warm one.  Sunshine would barely acknowledge Toney, and there was plenty of bitterness in the air.  And nobody’s heard from the woman since.  I’m sure she’s back in her apartment, shotgunning Jimboys tacos with Judge Judy cranked to 11, but she’s not answering her phone.  And so it goes.

Oh, and I almost forgot…  Before they left on Tuesday morning, Toney came upstairs and woke me up.  “You need to see the way she’s dressed,” she whispered to me.

Still fuzzy with sleep, I went downstairs, and Sunshine was in the kitchen pouring a large mug of non-dairy creamer with a splash of coffee.  And I swear this is true…  She was wearing a pair of purple leopard skin-print rubber boots (wtf?), tights, leg-warmers (!), three or four dresses layered on top of each other, and a neon yellow baseball cap.  I nearly swallowed my tongue.

“Hey,” she said with little enthusiasm.

“Yeah,” I answered, and poured an actual cup of coffee.

Before they hit the road, Mumbles came into the room with Sunny’s hand muff, and said, “Put this around your neck, or you’ll lose it.”  And I had to leave the room for a few minutes, to regain my composure.

I hate to be morbid, but I have a feeling we’ll never see either of them again.  I think they’re done.  It’s kind of sad, especially since Sunshine is still a relatively young woman, but I believe they’ve reached the end of the line.  I hope I’m wrong, but I get that vibe from them.

Hell, maybe they jumped off a moving train while crossing some high bridge in the Rocky Mountains?  Hand-in-hand, into a bottomless ravine?  A purple leopard skin-print rubber boot passing silently in front of the sun?

Naaaw, they’re swigging down tacos and watching When Badgers Attack! in Reno.  Let’s get serious here…  Sheesh.

Now playing in the bunker

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Comments

  1. JCIII says

    January 9, 2011 at 3:12 am

    Good Morning Surf Reporters…

    Reply
  2. JCIII says

    January 9, 2011 at 3:17 am

    now that I’ve read the update…. tacos

    Reply
  3. Jorge says

    January 9, 2011 at 4:08 am

    I actually giggled out loud, at work, in a room full of people who are trying (some of them trying very hard) to die.

    This was a most excellent update.

    I’d like a little more info on Sunny, just so that I can really picture her, if you please-

    How about height, weight, hair color and lenght, eye color and skin tone.

    It would just help me complete the picture, The wonderfully funny, funny, picture.

    Excellent update sir.

    The next sedative I give someone will be in your honor.

    Reply
    • hot fuzz says

      January 9, 2011 at 9:27 am

      Jeff, could hear which celebrities they resemble? Jorge is right, a picture would seriously help. For all I know she could look like Bea Arthur or Betty White.

      How about a contest? We say which celebrities everyone looks like based on our mental picture and then you tell us the winner?

      Reply
    • hot fuzz says

      January 9, 2011 at 9:41 am

      I just realized how many things I have in common with Sunshine. Food court food, people watching, shopping, unspeakable bursts of fathomable inappropriate rage. It’s like we were separated at birth. Except she has a vagina.

      You know that if she jumped she’d linger forever as an moderately ambulatory root vegetable just to piss everyone off.

      Reply
      • hot fuzz says

        January 9, 2011 at 9:42 am

        That’s right – I said vagina

        Reply
      • required says

        January 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm

        You were separated at birth, except she got the vagina? What the…

        Reply
    • Jason says

      January 9, 2011 at 3:26 pm

      Nice update. This subject (if it has not been done) is perfect for respones from the “readers”. Being in closed quarters with jackasses that you in general HAVE to be around (aka family) always make for the best stories. Cant normally just blow them off unless they are SO bad that you have to… Etc.

      Reply
  4. big bear in OH says

    January 9, 2011 at 4:10 am

    I cannot believe I’m still up to read this..damn you red bull and jagermeister!

    Reply
  5. johnthebasket says

    January 9, 2011 at 4:39 am

    I don’t know whether the fall would kill the pair or not. That many dresses create quite a a bit of wind resistance. Sunny’s terminal velocity with that much drag is probably about 10 MPH. She’d probably just drift gently into the canyon like Evel Knievel on that “motorcycle”, even with Mumbles hanging on.

    Jeff, you might consider buying Toney a 6 and just letting her mellow for an evening. Hell, the boys can get themselves to bed at this age.

    jtb

    Reply
  6. Dave says

    January 9, 2011 at 6:16 am

    Great diversion and update while here at the Airport for my 0-dark-hundred early AM flight….thanks for this (and as always), Jeff. 🙂

    Reply
  7. Son of Sam says

    January 9, 2011 at 7:11 am

    10 fucking degrees here this a.m., Why even try?

    Reply
    • Chuck in Belpre says

      January 9, 2011 at 11:08 am

      About 14 here. The brass monkey on the porch is not happy.

      Reply
  8. Biff Spiffy says

    January 9, 2011 at 7:59 am

    I’d like to be remembered in all my favorite clothing.

    Reply
    • Shiny Rod says

      January 9, 2011 at 7:52 pm

      Even the neon green boa and the pink tutu?

      Reply
  9. Knucklehead says

    January 9, 2011 at 9:33 am

    I have rubber leopard skin boots…..

    Happy Sunday, Surfers!

    Reply
  10. Chuck in Belpre says

    January 9, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Rubber, leopard skin boots and thigh highs? Naw…can’t get it to work.

    Reply
  11. Gordion Knott says

    January 9, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Wilkes-Barre to Syracuse—that’s a damn far schlep, especially given the wintery air and omnipresent threat of snow in Syracuse.

    I’ve been to the Sycracuse megamall (called the Carosel mall, IIRC), and it’s moderate to upscale. No Kmarts on the premises. You’d think Sunny would hold off from shopping in its expensive boutiques, and give the money to her kids . . . or maybe I should say “return the money to her kids.”

    Reply
  12. Brittney says

    January 9, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Lol, I’m so confused about the outfits. You should try to nonchalantly snap a pic next time they are in the neighborhood…if and when I should say in regards to your post.

    Reply
  13. Nurse Ratched says

    January 9, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    I think that the fat lady has sung

    Reply
  14. Ognir says

    January 9, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    I think that is the in thing – wearing rubber boots. I see college girls wearing them. At least the ones not wearing Sonny and Cher fur boots, or the Ugg boots or whatever they are called. I often wonder how they don’t end up sliding and falling down all the time.

    Reply
  15. Randall says

    January 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    get the artist from fear and loathing in las vegas.ralph steadman would be perfect for a picture of S+M.

    Reply
  16. SeanInSac says

    January 9, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Good riddance to bad rubbish, you all are a lot nicer than I am when dealing with douche bag family members. I’ve cut plenty out who were close blood relation but treated myself and people I care for like complete shit. Life is to short to be treated wretchedly by people just because they are “family”.

    Reply
  17. Joey Jo Jo says

    January 9, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    I laughed so loudly at the WVSR classic that my cats did comical Scooby-Doo air-running…

    Joe

    Reply
  18. Shiny Rod says

    January 9, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    “She was wearing a pair of purple leopard skin-print rubber boots (wtf?), tights, leg-warmers (!), three or four dresses layered on top of each other, and a neon yellow baseball cap.

    That’s the Punky Brewster look! Very popular with the 3 to 6 year old girls.

    Reply
  19. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    January 9, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    I am the one……
    who controls the sun

    Reply
  20. Rusty says

    January 10, 2011 at 2:26 am

    For the most part, I can’t stand my relatives, but my parents always manage to dredge up more of them for me to meet. I think they do it to keep me humble. A second cousin who I refuse to publicly acknowledge told me once that she stopped taking birth control because she and her husband couldn’t afford the pill. This and other pearls of wisdom leave my jaw hanging on one hinge.

    S&M, however, seem like they can only be handled in small doses, heavily diluted with beverages of dearth and weapons-grade sedatives.

    Congrats on getting them back to the mother ship.

    Reply
  21. johnthebasket says

    January 10, 2011 at 4:00 am

    I guess it was a typo, and I produce plenty of them, but I want to contemplate the sheer Zen joy of “beverages of dearth”. Not sure whether that means only a shot or just water. As we know, the question is always more important than the answer.

    jtb

    Reply
    • Rusty says

      January 11, 2011 at 1:23 am

      Hi JTB: dearth in this particular instance means the rare beverages that can knock you out quickly, usually illegal, such as absinthe. Of course, I have no first-hand knowledge of them.

      Reply
  22. Dave's not here, man says

    January 10, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I think Sunny looks like Roseanne. That’s always the mental picture I get when reading the updates. And Mumbles looks like Ringo Star, but with a long pony tail.

    I think they must have gotten lost at the train station in Chicago. I mean really, a five hour layover just isn’t enough time to change trains. They’ll show up at your doorstep sometime tomorrow, and Toney will have to drive them back to Colorado. Or Nebraska. Wherever they came from, I don’t remember.

    Reply
  23. t-storm says

    January 11, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Does anyone else love the words hand muff?

    Reply

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