One of my Dunbar friends, Tim Smith, recently retired, which made me jealous. Well, not jealous, exactly. I’m happy for him, and don’t begrudge him the accomplishment. But I wish I could join him; I’m emotionally, spiritually and physically ready. In any case, you might remember that he’s been drip-feeding us detailed statistics about the 1970s TV series Cannon. He sent in three seasons-worth, compiled over several years. But since the retirement… we suddenly have the entire five-year stats! He powered through the remainder of the DVD box set in short order. Here are the results:
As you might recall, Frank Cannon was a portly gentleman. During the ’70s they had a bunch of private investigator/detective shows, and there was usually a hook of some sort. Barnaby Jones was the old one, Ironside was the one in a wheelchair, McCloud was the urban cowboy, Kojak was the bald one. And Cannon? He was the fat one.
But did it slow him down? Clearly not. Check out those numbers. He got himself into 103 fist fights in five years. Just think about that. 103!! I haven’t been in a fight since high school. Cannon, who was morbidly obese, engaged in fisticuffs every 18 days on the average, for five years. Maybe he should’ve been known as Frank “Loose” Cannon? Am I right?
And I brought this up before, but I always hear about cops retiring after 25 or 30 years of service, and it’s mentioned that they never fired their guns in the line of duty. Not once. Cannon, on the other hand, fired his an astonishing 183 times in half a decade. Shouldn’t there have been some kind of investigation? The man was running wide open. Soldiers fighting the Nazis in WWII probably didn’t shoot their guns that often. He was also amazingly accurate, hitting his target 45% of the time. That’s a lot of people showing up at the ER with bullet wounds, all at the hands of one man. How was he not thrown into prison??
In his defense, however, others shot at Cannon nearly 300 times during five years. But he was so nimble — a prancing sprite of a man — he was only hit 4% of the time. That sounds pretty good, but it still adds up to a single person being shot 13 times. For most people that would be a devastating and debilitating turn of events. But Cannon just returned to his fashionable apartment, popped on a chef’s hat, and prepared another scrumptious gourmet meal. You know, after being shot again and again and again.
All of those stats are wild, but the one that bothers me the most is the number of times Frank was knocked unconscious. Twenty times in five years! That can’t be good. You can’t just go around sustaining violent blows to the head so severe you black out. If that happened to me once, I’d be super-traumatized and paranoid for the rest of my life. But not Cannon, he’s knocked out, throws haymakers, shoots people, sustains bullet wounds across his great body, crashes his car and administers karate chops all willy-nilly. And he’s in terrible shape to begin with! The man has a 50-inch waist, for god’s sake.
Thanks Tim, for this Pulitzer-caliber contribution to investigative journalism. And congrats on the retirement! I’m happy you’re using your free time in a similar way as I would.
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That’s our Smitty! Sliding into the retirement role like a pro brother-in-law. Maybe you are the one turning into a “loose cannon” sitting on your porch, drinking a cup of joe, sizing people up, deciding if you could open up a 55 gallon drum of whoop-arse on them and win. Hope you never get shot.
The good old days, eh? When men were men. And also non-stoppable barrels of impenetrable brick.
Perfect timing!
Happy 4th!
peace:
Buford
Hey!! Jeff’s back with a hilarious post. Fantastic.
My mother was a huge fan of Cannon. Shed be sipping her coffee and nibbling her Entenmanns coffee cake glued to the tube. Thanks for the memories, Jeff.
For me it would have been Freihofer’s, but whatever. It’s nice to see the Return of Jeff Kay. Thanks so much, Jeff.
In other news, I’m retiring effective August 1 2023. This is going to be great. Fuck it, Dude – let’s go bowling!
I know not which to celebrate more: 296 shots fired at Cannon (with 13 hits) as he strolls into retirement, OR Jeff Kay posting two days’ consecutive updates on his blog as he emerges from retirement. I can only celebrate them both, perhaps with Ma Madz and some Entenmanns coffee cake and a cup of joe.
Brother Jeff, you still write like a slumming angel; your prose has not faded with age. Thanks for the vast amounts of entertainment over the years.
John
Don’t forget Longstreet, the blind one.
As I recall, he was a lousy shot. I think he plugged Cannon once, which still puts him in a crowded field.
jtb
What a pleasure to see you again in my feed. I have missed your commentaries on absurdities.
Love the analysis!