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The Curse Continues, So I’m Having a Ham Sandwich

December 15, 2011 By Jeff 55 Comments

As I type this our internet is down (who the hell knows?), and our dryer has stopped heating.  Yeah, it still tumbles — it tumbles real good — but it’s as cold as an assistant principal’s heart.  I checked the breaker box, hoping it would be an easy fix, but you can probably guess how that worked out.

So, the curse of 2011 continues.  Hopefully it will be broken in seventeen days or so.  The good news?  It’s all fairly low-grade problems, no car crashes or tumors the size of pumpkins, or anything like that.  So, as yearlong curses go, I guess this one isn’t such a bad one to fall under?  But I still don’t care for it.  You can put my name in the “doesn’t care for yearlong curses” column, thank you very much.

Unless our internet service is restored, I guess I’ll have to save this update to a flash drive and upload it with my laptop and the Panera Bread wi-fi?  Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen…

I remember when we had Adelphia cable (remember that turd of a company?) our internet would be down so often I had a back-up plan with NetZero, or some other cheap dial-up company.  Adelphia would sometimes go down for three or four days in a row, and their customer service consisted of nothing but sassy, gum-chewing bitches who seemed to feed off my pain.

I think I paid something like $8.99 per month for the dial-up, and I’d just toggle over to it whenever the real service shit the bed.  It was like an internet back-up generator.  But all those problems went away the same day Adelphia was lowered into the ground.  I know people say bad things about Comcast (all cable companies, in fact), but we have very few problems with them.  Except for today, of course…

I’ve been attending quite a few swim meets lately, since our kids are on different teams, with different schedules.  The high school meets feature diving, and apparently I don’t know much about it.  I think I do, but am proven wrong, time after time.

For one thing, I don’t think I’ve seen one quality dive.  Not one.  Even the attempts which receive high scores from the judges look like Mountain Dew cliff-jumping to me.  I mean, you’re not supposed to enter the water in a seated position, right?  Perhaps I don’t know enough about it?

A few weeks ago there was a morbidly obese diver on the other team.  Fat divers?  It just doesn’t compute.  And this guy would walk out to the end of the board, jump once, spring high in the air — and spin in a tight ball until he hit the water.  WTF?  That’s not a dive, that’s just something fatasses do at pool parties to amuse the beautiful people.

Some of the divers are propelled high in the air, apparently experience some sort of epileptic “event,” and hit the water on their left sides.  Then the judges give them a high score.  What the hell, man?  Again and again I believe something has gone horribly wrong, and wonder if the diver will ever walk again.  Then they emerge from the pool triumphant, to uproarious applause.  It’s all very confusing to me.

Anyway… I’ve probably said enough.  Ahem.

Have you ever used a handkerchief?  Occasionally I see someone whip one out of their back pocket, rocket a load of snot and boogers into it, and put it back.  And it seems so old fashioned, like something from the 1930s.  Not to mention, disgusting as all hell…

I think my dad still uses them, but he’s 70.  It’s the handkerchief-carrying people who are my age or younger that blow my mind.  Do you have any experience with washable snot rags?  What are your thoughts on this important issue?

And you know how I’ve been complaining, for years and years, about the “creaking door voice” that teenage girls often use?  And you know how you thought I was out of my mind, imagining such nonsense?  Well, check it out.  I was way ahead on this one, and accept your apologies.

As mentioned, I recently read Stephen King’s time-travel novel, 11/22/63.  In it, the narrator goes back in time to 1958, and hangs around long enough to try to stop the Kennedy assassination.  So, he had to live for roughly five years in a previous era, knowing all he knows from 2011.  It’s not the greatest book ever written, but certainly a lot of fun.

The guy in the book was trying to stop a major, tragic event from happening, but I was thinking…  What small event from my life would I like to change, if I could travel to a previous decade?  I think I’d try to influence the nineteen year old me to go for the FBI job I was offered.  Then I could leap forward to 2011 again, and see what happened.  That’s definitely a big “what if?” event from my life.  I’d love to know what would have happened if I’d accepted that job.

If I found out I’d died in 1995 from seventeen bullets to the torso, I’d quickly return to 1981.  And I’d try to convince the excruciating dipshit who used my name back then that I needed to move to New York or Los Angeles, and just go for it.  The girlfriend I had at the time, I’d assure this retard, is not THE ONE.  Tell her goodbye, load up the Chevy Luv truck, and try to be a comedy writer — like you want. You’ll regret it, if you don’t.

Those are two scenarios I’d like to explore, if I could go back and talk with me.  What would you do?  Please tell us about it in the comments section below.

And I guess I’m going to have to do this from Panera?  Our internet is still down, and I don’t have the patience to call the customer service number.  It just serves to agitate me, and I never actually receive any useable information.  Ya know?  So, I’ll just have a sandwich, and go from there.

I’ll see you guys again soon.  Maybe tomorrow, but we’ll have to see how it goes.  My to-do list is fairly discouraging, and now apparently includes a visit to the laundromat.  Fantastic.

Before I go…  Amazon US and Amazon Canada.  Please use.  Much appreciated.  Pass the beer nuts.

Have a great day, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker
Give Crossroads Road to your friends and enemies!

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Comments

  1. Tipsey McChugney says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    I woild go back to 1981 and tell myself to grow a pair.

    I use a kandkerchief, I keep a couple of them that used to belong to my dad.

    Reply
  2. Alex says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Lots of experience using a hankie. To sum it up: I’m the first born in North America. Hankies seem to be the preffered snot catcher in ‘the old country’. I’ve used disposable paper products intended for the purpose for many years though.

    Reply
  3. johnthebasket says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    I prefer to take Satch’s advice and not look back, but if pressed, I suppose 1971, when I was just some Joseph looking for a manger, and the correct body parts were hard and soft respectively.

    jtb

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      December 15, 2011 at 6:11 pm

      I actually got to see Satchel Paige pitch in 1961. He was with the Portland Beavers in the Pacific Coast League. Portland was playing the Tacoma Giants, and the Giants’ stadium was right on the field. You could hear the players talking with one another.

      He was 55 years old at the time, and his hair was still mostly black. He still had pretty good breaking stuff.

      The next year, 1962, his autobiography, “Maybe I’ll Pitch Forever” was published, and I read it. I became a serious Satch fan, and, from that, a fairly serious Negro League fan.

      jtb

      Reply
  4. girlgoyle says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    when I was a mere slip of a lass in catholic school I think handkerchiefs were mandatory, mainly because 60 kids and tissues would have overwhelmed the trash can. I haven’t used one in forever.

    It is really gross to be carrying a hardened snot rag in your pocket and if you really need it you will be desperately searching for a clean spot while the wet or crusty square thwarts you.

    Reply
  5. Gonad the Bavarian says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Top 5!

    Reply
  6. johnthebasket says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    I switched from handkerchiefs to kleenex when men stopped wearing hats: coincidentally, on 11/22/63.

    jtb

    Reply
  7. Jimbo says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Handkerchiefs are disgusting. Are you supposed to just wash them with your clothing? What if a booger dislodges from the handkerchief, floats over to a shirt, and then lodges there for the rest of washing and drying? Suddenly you earn the nickname “booger shirt”.

    Reply
    • Jimbo says

      December 15, 2011 at 5:21 pm

      Also, no time travel for me… I fuck up the present well enough. I don’t need to go fuck up the past too.

      Reply
    • zoe whistle dick says

      December 15, 2011 at 10:34 pm

      Who is that sitting in the corner alone, sobbing? Oh, that’s just Booger Shirt.

      Reply
  8. bikerchick says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    My dad used a “hanky” until the day he died in 1983. Women’s hankerchief’s were part of the fashion scene at one time. But I don’t recall my mother ever using them to blow boogs into. She was a big Kleenix fan.

    Reply
  9. TILLY says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    two words…….BIRTH CONTROL!!!!!

    the 1990 version of me had no idea. I can literally be quoted as saying “they eat they sleep they poop how hard can it be?!” Oh 1990 big haired acid washed Tilly!!

    Reply
  10. CitizenX says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    I would tell my 16 year old self “Listen To Your Mother!”
    … but if it comes to it, I would not undo the children.

    Glad you saw the tweet in time and what UP with the Thurs post? [Not complaining]

    I am one that was happy with Adelphia and not comcast. OMG a dial up connection as backup? I remember those days, kept a good book near by for the downtime when pages were loading.

    Reply
  11. WB in OH says

    December 15, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    No deal on the hankie, if I need a hankie, that thing would be a ball of mush in no time. No way I’m sticking it back in my pocket. I keep Puffs in the office and at home.

    I would travel back to nineteen and take a hit off that doobie, just to see if I turned into the drug crazed lunitac like all the PSA’s claimed.

    Reply
  12. m says

    December 15, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    I would have remained single longer, begun my career at a teaching hospital, and pursued neurosurgery, cardiology, radiology, and plastic surgery residents with a vengeance. Love is great and all, but it’s just as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor one. Okay, maybe probably not, I’m pretty happy with the non-doctor I caught, but if we’re talking hypothetical situations, it’s a thought.

    Reply
  13. Jason says

    December 15, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    I’m 36 and I carry a handkerchief. I don’t blow snot into it, mind you. I just think having a rag on hand is a good idea. I know I’m weird, piss off.

    I think I actually screwed up and chose the right paths. Sorry, can’t think of anything I’d change – which makes me a liar or an asshole, one or the other.

    We use knology cable, phone, and interweb. Shockingly good and reliable. I also have a tv on the dish.

    Reply
  14. icecycle66 says

    December 15, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    I wish I had the piece of mind that people I am around could save me from the undertow.

    Reply
  15. southern surfer says

    December 15, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Jeff,
    Check your lint trap in the dryer.
    If it’s filled you’ll get air but no heat.

    Reply
    • MinipedsInNOLA says

      December 15, 2011 at 9:50 pm

      I have to second Southern Surfer on the lint trap and also suggest you check on the heating element. Ours was corroded and melting onto itself when we opened the dryer up and replaced it.

      Reply
      • chill says

        December 15, 2011 at 9:54 pm

        I would think that if the lint trap is stopped up, the logical conclusion would eventually be a fire. Either way, it’s an important thing to check. Also the whole path that the air (and lint) takes to get out of the house.
        .

        Reply
    • Uncle_Wedgie says

      December 15, 2011 at 9:59 pm

      Have you paid you gas bill?

      Reply
  16. Tiff says

    December 15, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    ‘cold as an assistant principal’s heart.’ Oh, Mr. Puffenberger…how you remind me of this.

    Time travel? Hell yes. I’d go back and take my first ‘real’ boss up on the offer of that easy entry into PhD school. How many doors would have opened if I’d just stepped through that open door.

    Great post, hate to know you’re suffering without internet, but I think adversity brings out your best, Jeff.

    Reply
    • Tiff says

      December 15, 2011 at 8:55 pm

      also, perhaps a record for the number of times ‘door’ was used in one sentence. Hey, twice might be a record!!

      Reply
    • Ed says

      December 15, 2011 at 9:40 pm

      That reminds me: I had a boss years ago who offered me a free business degree at a very mice university. She couldn’t believe it when I turn it down. But it just wasn’t “me”, man. What a moron.

      Reply
      • Ed says

        December 15, 2011 at 9:42 pm

        “Nice”, of course, not “mice”! Although, I might have gone if it had been a mice university!

        Reply
  17. chill says

    December 15, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Hanky? Nein, danke.

    Jeff, sorry to hear about the outage. Hopefully your ‘nets are back as I type this.
    .

    Reply
  18. Ed says

    December 15, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Yes! You were right on about the “creaking door voice”, and I have adopted your nomenclature when discussing the subject. It is a much better term than “vocal fry” (!)

    I also have noticed this annoying phenomenon for many years. I can’t prove it right now, but I think the first instance on TV was Susan Dey (and possibly Danny Bonaduce as well) way back on The Partridge Family.

    Reply
  19. chill says

    December 15, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    Vocal fry – what a strange name. “Creaking door voice” is much more appropriate because people, you know, like, understand it immediately. Either way it’s an annoying mannerism in the same way as ending sentences with an upward inflection? So everything sounds like a question?
    .

    Reply
  20. Jed says

    December 15, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    I find those snart rags all over the house regularly. Wife keeps them up her sleeve like some sort of ghetto magic trick. Our bed is littered with ’em.

    Reply
    • chill says

      December 16, 2011 at 12:14 am

      I thought a snart was when you sneeze and fart at the same time.
      .

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        December 16, 2011 at 2:54 am

        Did you know that when you snart, your liver stops for just a second? So don’t snink (sneeze, fart and drink). For one thing, hosing the wall afterward isn’t that much fun (although hosing the person next to you can be a pleasure under the right circumstances).

        This PSA brought to you by Pfizer, the folks who send your johnson to Wisconsin.

        Reply
  21. Aqua says

    December 16, 2011 at 5:14 am

    My father still uses hankies and his father before him. I expect till the day I have to light the big viking funeral pyre when he is 111. I will use the hankies for tinder. Except for just one, that one I will keep with me.

    Reply
  22. johnthebasket says

    December 16, 2011 at 7:08 am

    As long as Nevermind keeps selling, I suppose Courtney Love will continue to have an “income stream” (as she affectionately called Kurt), but eventually her badger-like singing voice, her Steven Hawking guitar stylings, and her way of treating her friends like enemies and her numerous enemies much worse, will result in a house falling on her with only her vomit-encrusted shoes extending from the wreckage. Looks like she’ll be moving soon…

    http://gawker.com/5868424/courtney-love-is-being-evicted-for-setting-her-house-on-fire

    This concludes this week’s scum report. I need a shower.

    jtb

    Reply
    • Ed says

      December 16, 2011 at 9:16 pm

      You were pretty harsh on Courtney there – I like it.

      Reply
  23. Tim says

    December 16, 2011 at 9:37 am

    I would go back to when I was about two and a half years old. When I ran a fever of 105, and convince my mother to insist that the doctor give me an antibiotic. That simply event would have drastically changed my life.

    Reply
  24. AngryWhiteGuy says

    December 16, 2011 at 10:13 am

    2011 has sucked ass for me as well. Recently, the landlord has asked us to move, as black mold has infested our walls and she is going to sell the house. I need first , last and security to do that. Don’t have it.

    Child Bride wrecked her car and another car on Thanksgiving- her fault. otta pay deductibles and higher insurance rate now

    And the big one- was fired last Thursday due to Governor Voldemort’s cutback of 130-150 jobs inour agency. There’s no jobs out there. Have applied at 78 places since last Friday. Nothing

    Therefore, I an taking a WVSR sabbatical until all these things get corrected. I will return one day, like Frosty the Pissed Off Snowman. Until then- peace be with you my bruthas and sistas.

    Oh, and lets not forget the yearly season’s greetings:
    http://thewvsr.com/awgholiday.htm

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      December 16, 2011 at 11:12 am

      Hang in there man, hope things turn for the better for you and the family.

      Reply
    • Ed says

      December 16, 2011 at 9:13 pm

      Damn! Sorry to hear that.

      Reply
    • henderson says

      December 17, 2011 at 11:37 am

      Immeditately….

      1. Apply for public health care
      2. Apply for food assistance
      3. Call all your utilities, tell them you’re not working and ask to get set up with public assistance for paying your bills.
      4. Call the courts if you’re paying alimony or child support.

      Do everything you can to take care of your self, your family and make DAMN sure that it costs the government more to have you unemployed than employed

      Reply
    • Gretchen says

      December 17, 2011 at 3:25 pm

      Shit. Whenever I feel like Life has mule-kicked me in the boobs one too many times, there’s AWG to remind me things could be worse. Man, I hope things turn around for you next year. Sending good luck and good vibes your way.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        December 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm

        AWG – I hope things turn around for you very quickly. Keep us posted.

        Reply
  25. Tim says

    December 16, 2011 at 10:29 am

    I think handkerchiefs are alright as long as you keep them to yourselves. Have you ever seen someone whip one out of their pocket to wipe something off of the face of a child?

    That is disgusting.

    Reply
    • debra says

      December 19, 2011 at 7:12 pm

      Even more disgusting is when they use spittle to clean their child’s face!

      Reply
  26. G.R.I.T.S says

    December 16, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    The only thing I would try to undo is my parents life style. Then maybe I would have had them in my life longer. 57 is way too young to die.

    RIP Momma
    12/23/52 – 8/23/10

    Reply
  27. Ognir says

    December 16, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    I carry all sorts of things – hankies, knifes, a flashlight, a compass, etc.

    Reply
  28. dto says

    December 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    A stack of perfectly ironed snot rags occupied a corner of my underwear drawer as a kid. I was a phlem and mucus factory and my Mom was addicted to caffeine.

    I guess I would go back to my birth because sometimes I wish I had been born rich insted of so good looking. Or maybe as recent as last night when I checked into this Motel 6 in Haggerstown MD. It was late, I was tired and my jugement was flawed. Thje beer stores were closed but I did catch a Garfields open at 9:45pm (close at 10pm) and had two 22oz. Yeurling. I had never had one so now as a Surf Reporter I feel I have etched a small spot in my liver in anothjer rite of passage.

    Reply
    • dto says

      December 16, 2011 at 2:28 pm

      ****sorry for the typos…I’m in the “lobby”, laptop on lap and waitin to get back in the truck and head to Ogden UT. ….so please read around the speed bumps…thanks!! 🙂

      Reply
  29. Will says

    December 16, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Yeah, I use them, and I’m 33. The idea is, you have a thing to wipe things with in your pocket. It’s not just for snotty days. I’ve staunched wounds, wiped up grease, picked up a too hot piece of metal, wiped a dipstick, and in one case ripped one into fourths and wiped my ass in a public bathroom that had run out of toilet paper in a Starbucks in D.C. (that one I threw out). As far as pocketing it, you just fold it up tight and voila. All comes out in the wash.

    Reply
  30. Son of Sam says

    December 16, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    I keep a hanky in the hunting coat poket to avoid silver sleeves.

    Reply
  31. Son of Sam says

    December 16, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    that would be pocket

    Reply
  32. tadpolegal says

    December 17, 2011 at 3:08 am

    2011- KISS MY ASS!!!

    “That’s not a dive, that’s just something fatasses do at pool parties to amuse the beautiful people”. Made me spit the Merlot I was drinking all over the computer screen- Thanks!

    Time Travel… Wow- I could get all kinda philosophical on this but in the end I think it’s a bad thing. Everything happens for a reason and we gotta live with our choices and since my husband also reads this I’ll just shut up.

    Good night!

    Reply
  33. T. Farty McAppleass says

    December 17, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Got a real tree this year, loaded with baby spiders it seems. Fucking Jew bastards.

    Reply
    • FirstNations says

      December 18, 2011 at 11:12 am

      Jewish spiders ruin everything.

      Reply
      • T. Farty McAppleass says

        December 18, 2011 at 8:21 pm

        I’m talking about the Jews that run the world under the cover of home depot. I’m talking about the Home Depotsteins. Dirty Jew bastards. (note: I have “friends” that actually blame “the jews” for every shitty thing that happens to them. Christ killers, they call em). LOL.

        Reply
  34. Gretchen says

    December 17, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    What I would change in my life if I could go back in time? Well, I guess I would have convinced myself not to dine at a certain Aussie-themed chain restaurant on January 29th, 2000, thereby avoiding the nigh-deadly food poisoning that permanently destroyed my health. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

    No hankies here. But plenty of panky.

    Reply

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