As you’re probably aware, I’m a portly gentleman who knows a thing or two about the wonders of fast food. Heck, one of the biggest highlights of our recent Florida vacation was when I had my very first Butterburger at a Culver’s. I mean, the airboat ride through the swamps was fun and so was Spring Break at Clearwater Beach. But, Culver’s! Now, that’s a real adventure.
In any case, my “research” has revealed what I sincerely believe to be the best bang for the buck in all of fast food. Sure, Burger King has a stellar value menu and their food is better than people want to give them credit for. And McDonald’s always has that two McDoubles for three bucks deal going, plus the $1 any-size sodas. Both are good in a pinch. But the best of them all? You ready? It’s the large three-topping pizza at Domino’s, for $7.99.
Yes, there are some hoops you have to jump through, but suck it up Mr. Delicate. All you have to do is order your pie online or through the app, and pick it up. If you agree to those two caveats you get a sizable pizza with your choice of three toppings, for eight dollars. And Domino’s makes good pizza. They didn’t used to, but all that’s changed. Oh, I’m not saying it’s the best pizza in the world. But for national chain fast food-style it’s pretty damn solid. Unlike the bowel movements you’ll be having if you don’t choose your toppings correctly.
So, right there it’s a fantastic deal, right? You can get a large hand-tossed (heh) or a medium pan for that price. Eight dollars! A stupid Big Mac meal costs more than that, and you’re getting an entire pizza that’s shockingly good. It’s enough for two people, at least. But check this out… Now they’re giving you a three dollar “tip” for picking the pizza up instead of having it delivered. It’s good for your next order, if that happens within a week. So, it knocks the already crazy deal down to five dollars. It’s incredible. I’m thinking about buying one today. I have one of those tips burning a hole in the pocket of my fat pants.
Do you know of a better deal? What do you believe is the best fast food bang for the buck? I desperately need to know.
And by the way, I constantly mix up the topping combinations, just to keep it interesting. One of my favorite recent combos was the medium pan with pepperoni, diced tomatoes and shredded Parmesan/Asiago. For some reason there’s magic when those three are combined. But I’ve tried many others, and attempt to not repeat myself. I even considered installing a randomizer on my computer, entering all the topping choices, and letting it choose the combinations for me. There are a few that I don’t like and would never order (hot buffalo sauce, banana peppers, black olives) and a couple that are extremely iffy (Feta, mushrooms). But that would be the fun of the randomizer, right? You win some and you lose some.
For the record, here are the topping choices:
If you were to order a pipin’ hot pie right now, which of the three would you go with? Please share your thoughts in the comments. What would be your topping combination(s), and is there a better deal in the entire fast food world? Also, which toppings would be on your NEVER list. Bring us up to date on these pressing issues.
Ha! This feels like a Domino’s sponsored post, but it’s not. It’s just some guy thinking about lunch and following his passion.
Oh, I almost forgot. The last time I ordered that deal the guy handed my pizza to me in one of those warming bags that delivery drivers use. What the hell, man? They’re taking that “you’re the driver” gimmick a little too far. Check it out. What am I supposed to do with this thing?? It’s substantial, not some cheap piece of crap. They’re doing this with every pizza?! What the hell is going on? Eventually I won’t be able to get the trunk lid down on my car. Also, I think it should be “Take Home” not “Bring Home.” Am I wrong about that?
Before I call it a day here… If you haven’t checked out my latest No New Jeffs column, here it is. I’m pretty happy with it; I hope you guys agree.
I’ll be back soon. Have a great day!
Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!
No question about it – pepperoni, sausage and bacon
That’s what I order when the older boy is involved. He has no interest in the non-meats section of the menu.
Truth is, I never order just one pizza. I get a “meat” pizza for me and a “veggie” pizza (either a spinach/onion or a pineapple) for my wife and then we steal a slice or two from each other. A regular balanced meal!
Chicken, spinach, onion.
But only on thin n’ crispy crust.
Otherwise it’s pepperoni, onion, mushroom, and long as the LOML isn’t involved. If he is, then it’s green pepper instead of mushroom.
Slow Horses is the bomb, we’re thoroughly enjoying an old, disheveled, flatulent Gary Oldman. And also on Apple TV, Severance. Another top-notch show. Allow yourself to willfully suspend disbelief over the premise and it’s wildly engaging television.
Severance just keeps getting better and better.
I’m three episodes in on Severance. Loving it.
How about bacon, cheddar cheese, and mushrooms? Cheddar is a surprisingly good addition to pizza, adds an extra cheese dimension.
I just had one with cheddar recently. Not with the spongy fungus, but pepperoni and something else. Maybe onions? It was good. I’ll definitely revisit it.
Pepperoni, sausage and spinach. I’ll have to try the Philly steak; I’ve never seen that offered on a pizza, I like mushrooms, but not on a pizza; they usually end up dried out and tough. Diced tomatoes could work. It makes me sad that garlic isn’t offered as a topping.
I’m a stick in the mud vis-a-vis pizza. Some things just do not belong on a pizza, such as pineapple and wing sauce, even by themselves.
I’m not qualified to have an opinion on whether this is the best deal in fast food, but it’s a pretty damn good one.
I haven’t tried the Philly steak yet, either. I need to pull the trigger on that weirdness.
Off topic, has anyone heard from John the Basket lately? I hope he’s OK.
I’m loath to put this into words, but he did share that he had heart issues with a grave prognosis. So he could be incapacitated. Or worse.
But maybe he hasn’t left the planet and simply tired of this site? Miss him bunches.
Baseball’s not a real sport, it’s just the schoolgirl’s game Rounders played by adult men in pajamas.
That should hopefully flush him out.
In major-league baseball, Jackie Robinson stole home 19 times in the regular season and once in the World Series. His top salary was $39,750. Beat that with the beautiful game.
The cardio surgeons plugged in some spare parts; I’m here, more or less. Thank you for the kind words. There are some very nice people out here.
johnthebasket
You’re alive! So good to know that. Rest up now, and take advantage of the healing vibrations from all those cats.
And Happy Jackie Robinson Day from someone who was a baseball fan as a kid, but lost interest in the game about 50 years ago.
Clue, nice to talk with you. I was a fan in the 60s. Mantle and Maris and Yogi, Willie Mays, Frank Robinson, Henry Aaron, Koufax and Gibson.
If you’re a book person, Bob Gibson wrote a book called “Pitch by Pitch” where Gibson goes through a World Series Game against the Tigers in 1968 in which he struck out 17 Tigers literally pitch by pitch. Sounds boring — it’s not. Gibson was a literate, kind man. You didn’t want to be at the plate when he was carrying his lunch pail, but away from the mound, Gibson was engaging. Jesus and Mary, that is more than 50 years ago.
What is this “pizza” you speak of? I see it nowhere on my diet.
John
By the way, Jackie’s older brother Mack broke the Olympic 200 meter at the 1936 Olympics. He got the silver. Jesse Owens was faster.
jtb
Nice bait, Limey. And I was tired of crosswords and porn. Well, crosswords.
j
Excellent, pleased to see you post again John! I may make fun of the pastime baseball, but I’ll admit to having enjoyed spending a few summer evenings watching the Phillies. I’m sure the junk food and beer helps.
JTB! So nice to see you. I was becoming concerned. I’m happy that you made it. Are we still on to go piss on Nixon’s grave?
In cleaning out my moms’ apartment, I found an autographed photo of “Pistol” Pete Reiser. He was one of my dad’s favorite Dodgers. My brother the baseball fan has claimed it, and he shall have it.
Chill, my brother, nice to hear from you. Of the eight cardiovascular meds I take every day now, Lasix leads the list because it greatly enhances my ability and my need to piss large volumes frequently. So I’m cocked and loaded and ready for action, so to speak.
Pistol Pete Reiser led the National League in running into the outfield fence face first just about every year he played, as I recall. He showed great promise, but ended up retiring early because he badly banged up both arms, both shoulders and his face and head on the wall. He did go onto a long and successful coaching career. These are great times in which to honor him by displaying his card.
I’ve missed talking with you. It’s nice to see you in writing again.
my warmest regards,
John
Nice to hear from you again John! I’ve missed your sardonic wit and spot-on suggestions regarding music and literature. Stay well!
Thank you so much, Mook. I’ve missed you as well. It is a genuine pleasure to be back among this entire sardonic group of ladies and gentlemen. I type a little slower these days, but in this medium it doesn’t show. I look forward to more conversation and crankiness.
my warmest wishes,
John
Clueless, you’re right. And I hope you’re wrong.
My heart sunk for a moment when you posted this, but glad to see John the Basket has posted below and is still around! Thank goodness.
Bacon, diced tomatoes, provolone is one I’ve had many times. Domino’s has been a great value for years. About 10 years ago they tried “artisan” pizzas, which were shit. They were little rectangular shit pies that had things like bean sprouts sprinkled on them. Some shit-lick was paid very well to come up with the idiotic idea: let’s do the opposite of what has worked! Maybe he can go convince McDonald’s that they need waiters. What a son-of-a-bitch he is!!! I hope he drowns! Thank yew.
Have an artisan pie with a New Coke!
“Italian” sausage is a horror – fennel, in sausage? – so pepperoni, bacon, and onions. It seems counterintuitive but if you live near one of the Whole Foods with the real pizza ovens they make great value and excellent pizzas – 2 for $24 however many toppings you like. Good ingredients, good pizza.
Sausage (only if crumbled) the roasted peppers and maybe onions or shredded parmesean.
I love fried eggplant on pizza.
I just had a plain slice and I can really use another. The company I work for buys us lunch so we do have a budget but I’m ready to spend my own money! I just looked in the back and we’re wiped out of snacks. It’s going to be a long afternoon. Damn.
Whelp, we can’t share a pizza. Sausage has to be shredded rather than crumbled. There’s a place outside Trenton NJ (Papa’s) that puts raw shredded sausage on their pizza and the fat renders out into the dough as it cooks giving a crispy pork fat dosed crust and yes it’s as good as that sounds.
Yum. I’m ready to jump in the car and head south.
And Jeff, thanks for the surprise email. Sure made my day a thousand percent better.
I had 7/8ths of one of these for dinner last night and it was delicious. Burp.
My son likes pepperoni, hot Buffalo sauce, and bacon. My wife likes pepperoni, banana peppers, and onions. And my daughter likes pepperoni, spinach, and shredded parmesan. Good value until inflation dives the prices up, or like ice cream, the size smaller.
I “love” what the marketroids do with package sizes. Coffee used to be sold in 1-pound containers. Now the usual package is 3/4 pound. Some pasta packages have suffered the same fate. The deodorant I’ve been buying for decades pulled a master stroke the other year. They kept the price the same, but redesigned the package so it looks twice as big, while containing 10% less product. Genius!
Hell, even plywood. They don’t make 3/4 inch thick plywood anymore; now it’s something like 1/32 less than that, and I can’t be bothered to do the arithmetic.
I agree with you on the 3 topping large pizza pick-up being one of the best fast food deals right now. It used to be Taco Bell’s boxes, but the quality has dropped significantly on those and in my part of the country, they price is often $7 or $8 instead of the advertised $5 or $6. That’s not just inflation, has been happening for years now.
My top three toppings are onions, green peppers and feta cheese. Least favorite are pineapple, mushrooms and Canadian bacon. Also, score on the heating box!
Not being a podcast guy, I look forward with anticipation to June to read the next blog entry in Jeff’s written mellifluous voice. If you’ve sampled both the podcast and the blog, you might have noted that Jeff is a world class writer. There is at the top of this page a link to the archives of this blog going back to the last days of the daily entry and some damn fine writing, in addition to some classic banter between and among the “Reporters”.
Those were the days.
John
I keep downloading the podcasts, and I keep not (usually) listening to them. It’s more of a time commitment than I like to make, in these short-attention-span days. I will listen to a few during the drive to NYC; it’s five hours each way, and I’ve had to make the trip several times in the past year or so. But once I’m in central-to-north Jersey, I have to turn to the radio and look for WBGO, Jazz 88.
Okay, time for a new post so we can ditch the picture of that disgusting pizza.
Because if you’re going to eat pizza, it has to be Neapolitan.
If we’re being strictly correct, it has to come from some joint in NYC that has a coal-fired oven and is at least 100 years old.
Like this place:
https://www.firstpizza.com/
Exactly. I had a Lombardi’s pie recently. It was a little less hot than I would have liked, because I had it delivered (what was I thinking?). Still, it was pretty fookin’ good.