Toney and the boys are home today, still benefiting from the big super-sized Thanksgiving holiday, so this one’s going to be a challenge.
As I type, Toney is talking to the orthodontist’s office on the phone, the younger Secret is watching Elf in the living room, and the older boy is blasting “Humpty Bump” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers at window-rattling volume and playing bass guitar along with it. Over and over and over again. Oh, and I’m “listening” to Let’s Active in the bunker.
So, it feels like I’m writing inside a Best Buy store, halfway between the home theater department and car stereos. Sweet sainted mother of Bonnie Franklin!
Our Thanksgiving wasn’t bad, it wasn’t bad at all. We went to Toney’s cousin’s house in Philadelphia, and there weren’t nearly as many people as I’d feared. We went to a cookout at their house during the summer, and it was wall-to-wall bombastic know-it-alls with annoying accents. But on Thursday it was a smaller, much more tolerable crew. Maybe a dozen people, including the four of us?
They had a traditional holiday spread, and everything was really good. Especially the turkey, and the post-eating clinic pie extravaganza. I never tire of a good pie extravaganza.
Before dinner I played Wii bowling for the first time in my life, and bowled a 179 right out of the gate. I had no previous Wii experience whatsoever, but I can see the appeal. It was a lot of fun, despite the slightly humiliating requirement of engaging in “air bowling” in front of an audience. The first few times I felt like a gigantic doucheketeer, but quickly got over it.
During dinner there was an unknown man sitting to Toney’s right, who never stopped talking to us. I mean, it was just continuous. He told at least three hundred mini-stories, most of which didn’t correspond in the least to what we’d been talking about one minute prior.
For instance… Toney made some passing comment about her job, and the dude launched into a completely unrelated tale about the time his car broke down on his fortieth birthday, while he was driving to a “gentleman’s club.”
The car just sputtered out and he couldn’t get it restarted. So he called “the three A’s,” and they towed the vehicle to a garage. A mechanic looked it over, and found nothing wrong. The car started on the first attempt, and he never had another problem with it.
It was his dead mother, he’s convinced, who derailed his plan to visit a “gentleman’s club,” from heaven. She never would’ve approved of such a thing, and intervened from the Great Beyond.
Yes, and this was in reaction to Toney saying she doesn’t have to return to work until Tuesday. What the? Plus, who calls it “the three A’s?” I almost sucked a full yeast roll down the pipe.
But he seemed like a nice enough guy — just a little kooky around the edges. In fact, the whole day was fairly pleasant, if you can believe it. Yeah, I’m as shocked as you are.
This one’s a little abbreviated, but I’m gonna stop right here. The noise! I can’t take the noise. It feels like the translucents are here, and one of them got mud on his “short pants.” But I did update on Sunday, so don’t miss that super-rare weekend update.
I’ll leave you now with a Question that popped into my head on so-called Black Friday. I somehow found myself in a Yankee Candle store, repeatedly inserting my nose into jars of perfumed wax, and giving my opinion of each scent. “Hmm… not bad,” I found myself muttering, before realizing what was happening and shrieking with horror.
So, I’d like to know what specialty stores you absolutely hate. Not big super-stores like Wal-Mart or Target, but smaller more focused places.
Yankee Candle makes me sad in my soul, and so does Party City. Toney understands the former, but doesn’t get the latter, at all. I can’t explain it either, but Party City is a horrible, horrible place. I literally get depressed when I walk in there, which is kinda weird for a place with “party” in the name.
I can’t tolerate those places that sell natural body wash, and that sort of thing, either. Good god, I’m tensing-up just thinking about it.
So, tell us what stores make your sphincter turn to concrete. Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Have a great day, my friends!
I occasionaly shop there for the “deals” but the Aldi food stores totally creep me out. First..you are only there if you had to dig up pennies to buy a loaf of bread and second…they don’t bag shit so you are like a homeless person dragging all your junk out the door in your arms…or maybe that is just me.
I also have a hate for Kmart…I just remember that being my only choice to shop at as a youngun…polyester, the smell, lights. ugh. I will gladly buy clothes at a Walmart. On that thread, I was in walmart day before Turkey day and a couple in front of me bought 430.00 worth of clothes!! holy hell!! They got quite the take though…their cart was full. what fun!! If I had 400 to spend on clothes I would truck myself to say..Old Navy. lol
Bath & Body works and any scrapbook/craft store. I’d rather be shot in the face with a shotgun than have to endure the agony of those places.
We do a gift exchange for Christmas in my family and it seems like six years straight now I’ve pulled a sister or SiL and had to trek my sorry ass into Bath and Body. Lordy Lordy how I despise that over scented hell hole. This year I once again pulled a female from the hat but I claimed to have pulled my own name. I threw it back in and pulled a nephew so it’s off to the hardware store to buy some tools or hunting paraphanelia this year. (Insert Tim Allen man grunt here!)
The Gap. I hate their overpriced, cheaply made, looks all the same shit.
I hate Victoria’s Secret. The clerks always make me feel uncomfortable in there.
Clerk: Hello Sir, are you missing someone? She might be in the changing room. (as if my wife is there and I’m lost, looking for her).
Me: No, I’d like to get some panties and bras. A set of blue, a set of black, and a pair of crotchless red panties if you’ve got them.
Clerk: Is it for your wife?
Me: Uh, sure.
Clerk: What size does she wear?
Me: She’s exactly the same size as me.
And so it goes. The humiliating snickering and pointing. Just let me live my life, whores. Jeez.
Thanks for your postings and insights, johnthebasket. Pass my condolences along to your law enforcement family.
There is this odd little hardware store in Fairmont, Chick’s Bargain Center, that has been there forever. It has the high ceilings, slow-turning ceiling fans, dark hardwood floors, and nearly everything in stock that you would ever need, and then some. They get the coolest plants in at all times of spring through early fall, and yes, sometimes you have to knock the dust off of some of the stuff.
Fairmont also has one little independent bookstore, Kerri’s Korner (it also has a creaky wooden floor). They have a pretty big selection of used books and a not so great selection of new. If I have to let them order me a new book and pay full price (!!), I’ll just order from Amazon via the surf report, thank you. They’re trying and I appreciate it. I love walking out with a big ol’ bag o-books for $30. happy day
ohh god, abercrombie is the worst…maybe it’s just my mall but i swear they must douse the whole place in Axe body spray…you can smell the store from a 100 yards away. It’s a health hazard just walking by.
Tuesday Morning gives me the full body shiver. It’s like an overpriced, dirty garage sale hosted by Lauren Bacall. {shudder}
I heard that Hot Topic has a spin-off store called “Torrid” for the full-figured goth/ ‘Twilight’ wannabe’s/parental disappointments out there. There’s no actual joke here, but I think the idea that there’s enough of a sub-set of that particular sociological sub-set to require a plus-size outlet pretty amusing.
How about adult novelty stores that try and convince you to do your holiday shopping at their place? Yup, for Christmas I’m gonna get Aunt Sadie that 18 inch dildo called “The Great American Challenge”. Some Ben-Wah balls for my niece and some astro-glide for my nephew. One stop shopping. Excellent.
Most definately Jo-Ann’s Fabrics. If I have to go there, and its never by my choice, I know I’m in for a hour or 2 of mind numbing boredom while whoever I’m with, usually my grandmother, looks through drawer after endless drawer of sewing pattens and sheets of fabric. I usually come out half dumb and drooling. At least at the arts and crafts store I can look at model planes and what not.