A few minutes after I hoisted myself off the platform this morning, Toney called and said I had a few “assignments.” And these included picking up the oldest Secret and taking him to his orthodontist appointment.
Why so many office visits? Seriously. It feels like I’m carting him over there every Thursday afternoon. Is it really necessary to stare down his Eggo hole two or three times per month? What in the candy-striped hell is going on here?!
But I do as I’m told, and drove out to the middle school at the prescribed time. The office chick reluctantly buzzed me in, and I was handed a clipboard. I checked the early-out box, wrote my son’s name, put “teef” as the reason, and handed it back to her. She looked at it, then at me (in my Magnolia Thunderpussy shirt), and said I could have a seat. Just as humorless as a severed spine.
Some seventh grader, or whatever, came clomping in and sat down beside me. Nobody asked why he was there, and he didn’t volunteer any information. He looked uncoordinated and clunky, even sitting in a chair. And he smelled like Frito’s.
Then a woman arrived and said, “Hi, I’m supposed to drop these off?” and produced a large trash bag apparently filled (filled!) with used shoes. TF?
The Secret and I drove over to the dentist’s office, I put his name on the list, sighed, and flopped-down again. Man, I hate that crooked-teeth holding pen… Here’s a picture of their “arcade,” which captures a little of the excitement.
Every kid in the place was text-messaging, with a smirk on his/her face like Dick Cheney. A girl wearing about 500 bracelets was two seats away from me, and had a voice so deep and gravelly I thought my Dad was talking for a few seconds. She was twelve or thirteen years old and sounded like a male fire fighter, retired. Maybe she had to have her voicebox rebuilt, or something? I just don’t know.
They finally called my kid to the inner sanctum, and added him to the Big Conveyor Belt o’ Toofahs. And it took forever. He was gone for 45 minutes, at least. Fully excruciating… The whole time he was in there the sixth grade girl who sounds like Wilford Brimley bitched and complained about her “crappy” Nextel cell phone. The poor thing.
When he was finished, I handed over a sizable monthly payment and we got the hell out of that terrible place.
I wanted to walk down the way, to the world’s last hipster record store. If they had the new Eels CD for less than $11.99 I was going to buy it, I proclaimed. And they barely made the cut: $11.97. We were the only people in the shop, but the clerk was still surly and acted like we were putting him out.
And now I’m preparing to drive the younger Secret to swim practice, the older one to a friend’s house, and that’s as far in advance as my brain will allow… I’m sure there’s more, but I’ll have to complete another task before anything else will load.
Pass the beer nuts.
In addition to the new Eels, there are two other must-own CDs being released in June: Rhett Miller (6/9) and Wilco (6/30). Oh, I’ll be all over ’em, like a dingo on a Cub Scout.
I think I’ve revived my Netflix subscription. It was in ICU, hooked up to a lung-blower, for a long time. But I’ve switched back to TV shows, and everything’s better now.
I re-watched the first season of King of the Hill, and I’m preparing for the latest season of 24. Then I’m thinking about starting on Prison Break. The boys wanted me to rent that Mall Cop crapola, so they’re getting some use from it, too.
It’s the movies that don’t work for me… It’s obvious now. If I rent TV shows the discs keep moving. But movies gum up the works.
I was very close to canceling my subscription. I’m glad I gave it one last shot.
Yesterday I linked to this guest-article, through WVSR Classic. And since it made me laugh, and I thought it was extra-good, I’m linking to it again.
You’ve GOTTA check out the latest mockable. Metten’s doing a great job with the animated shorts, and the new one kicks ass. Also, please leave a comment if you’re so inclined. We’re feeling a little lonely over there…
And my friend Bill told me about a site dedicated to a legendary swimming pool we used to visit as younglings. Right here. Check out the big pic from 1940, it’s fairly mind-blowing. The place was called Rock Lake, and they had a long-ass slide, a trapeze, a paddlewheel, and all manner of ridiculousness. I remember people jumping off the cliffs that lined two sides of the pool, and thinking they were completely insane.
It was a blast, a great place And, of course, long-gone… <sniff>
What’s the absolute coolest swimming pool you’ve ever visited? What is your own personal Rock Lake? We need to know, it’s a matter of high urgency.
I have lots of other stuff I wanted to cover today, but everything’s jacked-up. I’ll have to get to it next time.
I am going to restart the weekly recap emails next week, so if you’re not subscribed to the mailing list, now’s the time. Sign up today! There are many benefits, some we can talk about, and others we cannot.
I’ll leave you with now with a Question inspired by a recent conversation with Toney. We’d started re-watching Homicide: Life on the Street, one of our favorite TV series, but it just wasn’t doing it for us.
“It’s a winter show,” Toney said, as if it’s well-known. “You can’t watch Homicide in spring or summer.”
Huh. I’d never thought about it, but she’s probably right. It does have a bleak and dreary feel to it, that’s completely counter to hot summer nights, etc. So, we switched to The Sopranos — and it‘s hitting the spot.
So, in the comments I’d to know what other TV shows or movies you think only work when it’s cold and gray outside. And we can include music in this, as well… What music do you reach for on a rainy day?
Tell us about it, won’t you? And I’ll be back on Monday, at the latest.
See ya then!
Bill in WV says
Rodney King just stopped by, read the last few posts and is having me type this, since he “cain’t teyp”. CAN’T WE JUST ALL GET ALONG !!!
I’m lucky I didn’t get Rodney Kinged a few years back… Goes back to the question ‘ when’s the last time you called the cops?’
A few weeks after I called them just to let them know some freak was standing in my backyard looking into my house – I was driving to work (usually bike in so not patient in traffic). I had a meeting to get to and there was the usual traffic congestion. I knew there were cop traps usually set but couldn’t see them – made a turn through one of those ‘your not worthy to drive on my money earned from slavery and blood neighbourhoods’. Got busted and I lost it…….
Cop (half my age – I kinda felt sorry for him – I was scolding him): Do you know why I’ve stopped you?
(Makes me think of a female comic who has a skit where a cop pulls her over and asks ‘Do you know why I’m standing here?’ She answers ‘Cause you got all C’s in highschool?’ Damn funny.
Anyways I’ve had ‘outs’ before with cops – best time to plead stupidity – but OH NO, I was frothing at the mouth.
Me: Yeah I saw that sign that said I’m not supposed to turn right here during this time of day. What do my taxes not cover this street – are these people allowed to drive down my street (I am screaming at him – just one of those days) By the way did you cops find that guy staring into my house or were you too busy doing much more important things….
Cop: Hangs his head. ‘I’m not sure where your taxes are going. Gives me a ticket. As I drive away I call him a eff’n idiot.
Oh – so mature Leanne – I coulda been Rodney Kinged……Just one of those days….
“I had the right to remain silent…I didn’t have the ability”
DTO – I love that – brilliant advice. But oh so true.
I am who I am…
I always thought that if people wanted to read my blog then they’d read it. If not, then they wouldn’t. It was all pretty simple to me.
The post about wanting more reader and followers and whatnot.
It was all humor.
I was making fun of myself, as I normally do.
There is no hidden motive in my writing.
I just write things because it’s fun and it makes me laugh.
I’m not laughing now.
I tend to do things to embarrass myself sometimes and I’ve been known to humiliate myself on an occasion or two.
But it can’t nearly compare with what you said.
If you meant to embarrass and humiliate me Citizen X, then you’ve succeed.
My unsolicited personal philosophy is to subscribe to the ancient Chinese proverb (and I might be paraphrasing here): “With certain important exceptions for emergency response personnel, one should ignore all messages sent after midnight on a weekend.”
My unsolicited advice is that you both kick a tremendous amount of ass and you should make up quickly and quietly via email. Then you should keep fighting publicly for the next several years and enjoy the traffic…not that anybody asked me or anything…
Bill in WV says
Tammie: Don’t change a thing about yourself or your blog. Like you said, you are who you are and anyone who doesn’t agree with your way of thinking has the right to just stay away. You, like Jeff, write about everyday experiences and that is what makes your stuff enjoyable to read. I look forward to reading both every day!! Keep up the great work!!
Not cool, Citizen X. Definitely not cool.
I agree with Wordnerd, Citizen X. What you did was unnecessarily mean and just unnecessary. You are entitled to your opinion, but write it on your site – where I don’t have to and will never read it.
ARE we still in f-cking first grade here? Jeeesus hopping christ on a fire pole – call off the slap fight.
and answer the questions of the day before I have come back there and set somebody straight.
Jeez, Tammie ain’t doin’g anything a jealous bitch wouldn’t want to do herself, if she’d thought of it first.
I have so many apologies to fling to everyone
But mostly to Tammie and Jeff.
It is not my intention to keep this going by posting.
I almost let it ride itself out for that reason.
But I decided an open apology was in order.
I AM SO SORRY.
I had good intentions but re-reading my post I realize
how harsh it came out. It was not intentional.
I saw my old-self in you and I was trying to help.
It seems it was done improperly and in poor taste.
Please PLEASE accept my apology.
And THANK YOU to everyone who replied here
and via email. You all rock!
This is a great community.
I appreciate your honesty and for having Tammie’s back.
I am glad you were there to make her feel better.
I posted my feedback here because this is where she leaves these kinds of comments on a consistent basis. You were all right. There was a better way.
TY for not removing my post and for chiming in.
I like how you keep it real.
ok, I thought I was missing out on a joke or somefing…. Um keep it real, “dawg,” or whatever…… Odd……
Group hug and let’s run forward???
Also MettenO just wanted to note that I think that I am in a timezone about 3 hours after you – so my comments will be valid longer…. 😉
Lol – I’m such an idiot. I’m in a time zone 3 hours ahead of you… Try to keep up.
A personal attack on someone on a public board with their address posted??? How could you not mean something hateful and intend ill? The best thing to do if you feel you have gotten all you can get from someone’s blog is to walk away. To trash them like that truly is the dark side of blogging. If you had real criticism or purpose it’s best to talk directly to those involved not drag the rest of the internet to HER HOME to cause a lot of shit. Tammie is not slutty or a whore. She is carefree (or used to be), witty and genuine. If she’s slutty with anyone it’s her husband and anyone that reads her site knows that. Just think about how you would feel to all of a sudden get a load of hate traffic on your site or perv traffic? Grrrrrrrr….. the degree of uncool here is enough to take this site of my blogroll.
So you have repeated what I all ready apologized for.
I would appreciate it if no one else would make any more comments about Citizen X.
She has apologized.
Sometimes we all make bad judgment calls. Sometimes we say things, not realizing the impact they can have on someone.
I’m guilty of that.
I had no idea how my comments made me look to her and possibly others.
I thought it was all in fun.
This is Jeff’s site and it isn’t appropriate for this kind of hateful behavior.
While this wasn’t the appropriate forum for Citizen X to comment on her feelings toward me, the damage has been done.
It can’t be undone.
I will get through the barrage of trolls and seedy characters who’ve found me now, but there’s no reason for Citizen X to have to suffer as well.
So let’s move on and wait for Jeff’s next post so we can get back to the business of enjoying his humor and observations.
Rainy day tune…(no it ain’t by The Carpenters)….hope this works. The lyrics are as great as the melody and as you can see Faddis plays the crap out of the tune.
Now…back to serious humor!
Nope…didn’t work. Going to try again and then back otuside to finish polishing my alum. diamond plate running boards on the ’79
Nope…Still didn’t work….never mind….later…-d
Damn…one more time
My 2.5 year old daughter got a couple of new dolls recently. She likes to strip them nekkid first thing. This morning my neighbor came over and asked if I’d seen “Larry”. Larry is their fat ass orange cat. I said no but he told me that he thought he heard him over our fence. So he came in the house and we were making our way to the back door. He asked my 2.5 year old if she’d seen Larry and she said, “He’s drinking tea.” Then she lead us to him. He was dressed in the doll clothes, which consisted of a pair of tiny blue jeans, a vest, a jacket, and a hat. Beside his head was a couple of small plastic tea cups and saucers. The clothes were so tight on him that he couldn’t move. Plus she’d put the vest and jacket on him in such a way that his front legs were bound. He was laying there moaning. How she got the clothes on him without getting scratched to hell I have no idea.
How’s that for changing the subject? REMEMBER THE ALAMO, BITCHES!
@Jason – no pics? Too bad.
@Jason – I swear the mental image has me laughing my ass off. And Leanne is right, too bad there is not photographic evidence. *snort* I’m still laughing. Thank you.
I couldn’t get pictures. I wish. But he was going on and on, “Oh God, Larry. Hold on buddy.” I was working overtime to keep from laughing or pissing my pants. I couldn’t ask him to leave fat ass Larry as he was while I fetched a camera, I didn’t think.
The Qweezy Mark says
Why can’t we all just get along!?!?
(Me, while getting beat up by 2 hookers outside a South Side Scranton bar last night……and……here).
The Qweezy Mark says
Here’s some perspective. I have an insurance sales meeting tomorrow that I have to drive 1:15 to while hung over. (and pay $9.60 for the PA Turnpike, better known as little Iraq)
@Jason – I’m an animal lover so understand that a picture of a humilitated kitty in pain needs to be rescued. What if the other kitties found out!!!! Plus he has to deal with being called Larry.
Larry fits him. I love animals too, but It’s not above me to kill one that attacks one of my babies. This is my 8 month old. I had to kill a rooster down in Texas because it kept jumping up on her. What are you gonna do?
In Honour of the” Battling Beauties” I have a bone to pick with Jeff: Jeff how dare you make me laugh so hard hot coffee comes down my nose & causes me pain? Who gave you the right to sorround yourself with people who’s throw away lines are better than anything on late night T.V? What makes you think you have the right to make people suffer just because you actually have a life and are late with your post? There I’m glad I got that off my chest! and I refuse to apologise!!!!!!!
Jeff – one show that you need to check out is MI5 (Called spooks in the UK where it is from) AWESOME show. Put it on your netflix. This, I command.
Here’s something new:
And now I’m going to bed. See you guys in a few hours.
Mr. Kay, tear down this site!
Larry the Cat – Is that you?