Have you ever gone out with someone you met at a dating website? I haven’t, since I’ve been married longer than the internet has been around. And (thank you God!) I don’t “date” anymore.
In fact, I never really got the hang of it when I was single. During my adult life I’ve had three long-term relationships that have pretty much spanned the whole breadth and width of my ridiculous shit. In between I dabbled in dating, especially during a specific period in Atlanta. But, to be honest… I was pretty much terrified the whole time.
One weekend, I remember, I went out with a different woman on Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday for brunch. It was horrible. It felt like one endless job interview.
During that dark period I also went on the worst date of my life. Well, actually dates. There are two that jump immediately to mind, and I’ll tell you about one of them now. I’ve probably written about this before, but it’s been years…
You see, I had no money. I was poor when I lived in Atlanta, even though I was working for a record company, attending receptions at the Ritz-Carlton, and hobnobbing with the stars.
Yeah, it was all an illusion… My paychecks were pathetic. So, it wasn’t always easy for me to come up with dinner-and-drinks cash, especially three times during a single weekend.
On one Saturday night I took a woman to dinner at a nice, trendy Jamaican place. It wasn’t super-expensive, but definitely not cheap, either. I was pushing it by going there. The place blew a big hole in the middle of my budget.
And within five minutes I knew there was no future for the two of us. No future beyond this pricey jerk chicken, anyway. Our senses of humor didn’t match-up, partly because she didn’t have one. And all she did was sit there and make catty comments about small insignificant fashion mistakes the other diners had made. It went something like this:
Her: Oh. My. God. Would you look at the hideous bag that woman is carrying? It’s ugly on its own, and it’s even uglier with that dress. How can people be so retarded?
Me: (after checking out the bag, and seeing nothing remarkable about it, whatsoever… wtf?) Yeah, well never mind the bag, look at the guy she’s with. His nose starts in the middle of his forehead.
Her: (shocked) People can’t help the way they look.
Waiter! We’ll take the check now!! It was excruciating, and I couldn’t wait for the contractual obligation to end. I don’t give a crap about handbags and shoes and the curious cut of some dipshit’s slacks.
But after we finished our meals she suggested we go to some touristy rotating bar at the top of a hotel, in downtown Atlanta. I didn’t want to go, but she wouldn’t drop it. I think I had about $30 in my pocket, and no credit cards. But I reluctantly agreed.
And we sat up there, going around in circles at a slow rate of speed, her talking and me going “uh huh” a lot. She downed two gigantic drinks the size of an umbrella stand, with fruit impaled on a plastic sword, and I nursed a single beer, sweating bullets about the price of it all.
I finally got her out of there, and I think I had two crinkly dollar bills in my pocket, and maybe a dime and a penny. Whew!
One thing, though… I forgot about the cost of the parking. The guy wanted six bucks to allow us out of the parking garage, and I didn’t have it. With my face burning in humiliation, I turned to my “friend” and asked if she had any money.
“No, I don’t,” she said, with a look of utter disgust on her face.
“We don’t have it,” I told the dude, who didn’t take the news very well. He finally lifted the gate, but was highly pissed and shouting a lot of stuff.
I was laughing my ass off, not caring anymore, and she just stared straight ahead looking like she’d just caught a whiff of the waste treatment plant. Screw her, I thought. I should just let her out here, and make her walk home.
But, of course, I’d never do such a thing. So we continued driving in silence — until one of my tires went flat. The balance was suddenly off, and there was a loud FLANKA FLANKA FLANKA sound coming from the rear of the vehicle. It was starting to be hilarious.
I ended up driving on the flat until we reached a gas station, and there I pumped it with air. This allowed me to get her home, and finally end one of the two worst dates of my life.
And now I’m going to turn it over to you guys.
In the comments section, please tell us about the horrible dates you’ve endured. Also, if you have anything on my original question about dating websites… I have a feeling there’s a lot of exaggeration on those things, and photos from fifteen years ago, before the chins started piling up, etc. Am I right about that?
I’m going to work now, and will be back tomorrow with some good stuff from the House of Nancy.
I’ll see you then!
Now playing in the bunker
Evil Twin t-shirts now only $13!
Every date I ever went on was terrible, until I met the man. Never an awkward moment since. I am so glad that part of my life is over. I tell him that I’d make a terrible divorcee, but I’d do alright as a widow. So he better watch it.
Holy Cow, First !!! And I even read the whole post!
I dated someone I met online when I was about 22. Turned out the guy was in his mid-40s and he kept talking about his teenage daughter and how he wanted to take us to Disney World. Weeeiiiiirrrddd… I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.
I did meet my husband online though – weirdly enough through a game on Facebook. I don’t normally do that sort of thing (I don’t even play games anymore – no time) but we got to know each other and got to talking about our marriages and how much they sucked and our divorces that we were both going through. It developed into a real friendship and when we finally did meet there was real chemistry. We have been married almost a year now and it is great!
This was actually discussed in Sept. ’08 here (and you’ll know how I know that shortly). but I’m chiming in again.
Internet dating works.
I met my wife on eHarmony. My brother met his wife there. A cousin of ours met his wife there, and two of my brothers buddies met their wives on eHarmony as well. My wife’s cousin met her husband on eHarmony and one of her close friends met his wife on eHarmony as well.
Only 2 of the women and one of the men are in IT. The rest is a mix of doctors, lawyers, bankers, a teacher, an air traffic controller, and some business type people. In other words, it’s not just for nerds anymore.
If you want to read our story, I copied it from a large Newspaper and pasted it onto my blog. The only changes I made were ones to maintain my secret identity.
Here you go http://thejorgeexperience.blogspot.com/2008/09/my-story.html
LOL! I met my wife on eHarmony also!
We are happily married, and livin the dream.
Maybe she (Narfler) will post a comment later on this subject…
Please stay tuned.
I’ve done internet dating. As a matter of fact the guy I’m with now I met that way. We’ve been together over 5 years.
The worst date I ever went on was an internet date. He wanted to meet at the Olive Garden for dinner. Well, dinner turned out to be nothing more than sitting in the bar and finding out he really is a manager at Burger King and not my type when it comes to looks. He was borning as can be to top it off. I feigned a page (before cell phones became more popular and affordable) from a friend who was having problems and left. I didn’t even use my kid as an excuse.
Carla, you beat me to it! Worst date – Probably this guy from the condo complex I was living in. I don’t know what possessed me to say Yes. He was just nerdy and I was a ball of nerves. What squashed it for me totally was when he told me was missing his big toe. I don’t know if it was shot off, or if he lost it in a freak accident (he was a plumber) or if it was gnawed off by a pack of wild dingoes. The details aren’t important. But we were sitting on his couch and he kicked his shoes off and I kinda lost it. I didn’t want to see the rubbery web where the missing digit was supposed to be.
Shiny Rod says
Nope, can’t say that I have. Just not my style. But I have met some great friends online and most are Surf Reporters. Some I would even date if I were in the same state as they are. That is if they would care to give it a shot.
Haven’t used a dating website, but I did kinda meet my boyfriend through the Internet. We both belonged to Meetup, and he joined a scary movie club I ran for awhile. He and 3 or 4 other people RSVP’d to a movie meeting I set up, and he and I were the only ones to show. One of the main reasons I ended the group a few months after that is because it felt like we had other people along on our dates.
One of my close friends met her husband on Match.com, so online dating *can* work, if you’re lucky. Before him, another guy that she got “matched” with showed up drunk when they met for dinner at Chili’s.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
I have nothing on dating stories…..
I am excited as hell to hear we have “stories from the House of Nancy” coming. I’m giddy with anticipation.
I too am all a flutter overtonorrows Nancy update. I’m sure it will make my day.
BTW, what kind of cars do you sell?
BoMama, I think you meant BMW.
So I replied. HotfromCanadia removed my name from the Virgins list already. What more can they do? And it’s difficult to get relisted. Maybe once every two millennia, although in many ways we’re all due.
i meant BTW-by the way.
Are you just being funny 🙂
I’m dying for a House of Nancy fix. YAY!
Gonad the Bavarian says
Junior year in high school. I went out with our SMOKING hot German exchange student. She and I got along great at school. Seemed to have a common sense of humor and such. We went out to dinner and a movie and we just didn’t talk. I tried to get her perspective on the differences in our cultures, personal likes, etc… She just wasn’t into it. It was a very long uncomfortable night. Then back at school everything was fine. We ate lunch together all the time everything was great again. Then when the Winter dance came around she asked me to take her since nobody asked her. We had a great time and figured out that no one asked her because everyone thought we were a couple and assumed I was already her date. So we went with it for a while but she ended up dumping me because she had limited time here and wanted to meet/date other guys. Her biggest complaint was how immature we American kids were when it came to drinking. She wouldn’t be happy with me today because I’m 37 and I’m still pretty immature when I drink.
I have a friend who used the dating site. He is married to some girl, who seems pretty nice, he met on it.
I don’t have any personal experience with them. I was never good a dating either. I always just ended up with some chick. We’d stick it out (and in and out and in and out) for a while until one of us just lef the region.
I’ve never broken up with a girl either. It always just, sort of ends. Like we ignore each other for a while and end up with someone else,. There is never any sort of formal declaration of starting or ending a relationship. Well, except for the last one, ii think the vows were the formal declaration.
Shiny Rod says
Jeezum crow, my whole life is a dating nightmare. I have had some of the worst luck dating and even getting to the point of dating. Could be my choice of women, but I’m sure that there is more to the equation than stack of quantum physics books could compute. See, I’m a very unique person. Most days, I’m at best even mildly social enough to speak to the common folk. Not that I find most people below me. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I just feel awkward and disoriented when I have to deal with people outside of my intellectual zone. But I digress.
One of my first adventures in dating ended in a disaster of 2012 proportions. I swear I could feel the Earth tremble when I say a neighbor girl on the bus one day. I mustered up the courage to walk up to where she was sitting and asked her if I could sit next to her. There may have been 3 or 4 more people on the bus so there were a plethora of seats available. I awkwardly sat down next to her with my umbrella (I wasn’t raining) and my America Touristor briefcase (an anti-dating gift from my dad). She didn’t say much and I kind of just looked into space searching for words to say. Don’t worry, that happens to me with most women. I finally blurted out, I have tickets to the concert this weekend, and would you like to go with me? She gave me a kind of confused look, stared at the bus and then stated, “How do you plan to get there?” I replied that I was planning to go with my older brother but he has to work so he won’t be able to make it but he is going to let me borrow his car. She then nodded and said, “Let me think about it and call you, what’s your phone number?” I gave her my number and she pulled the cord for the bus to stop.
The day of the concert, things where going great. I took my brothers car and washed and vacuumed it. I took my brother to work and headed off to get my date. I scrapped together the few dollars I had left after rolling a few j’s for the concert. I had just enough for a little light entertainment libations so I thought I was set. Picked up my date and I was off to the races.
First miscalculation, cost parking.
Second, cost event beer.
Third, my brother did not fill up the tank.
Fourth, He failed to tell me.
None the less, the concert date went off without a hitch and everything seemed to be she was enjoying her time out. We were laughing and I was starting to really like her as we seemed to be a great match. This would eventually change quickly as the night marched on. We, finally got back to the car and to keep the concert flow going, I popped in an 8 track (OK, I heard that!) of the band we just heard and turned on the ignition and watched the fuel gauge twitch just a hair above the E mark. It was almost 2am and not many gas stations are open this late in the Midwest and those that were far away. I reached in my pocket and could feel a couple quarters and maybe a dollar or two but this Chrysler land boat my brother drives would drink that up before I pulled out the gas station. I did the unthinkable and taboo date breaker and asked her for gas money. The look in her eyes could have cut the thickest steel slab Gary Indiana could produce. I promised I would pay her back out of my next paycheck. Oh, did I mention that I was retail clerk for Blocks making minimum wage. Oh, OK well now I did.
The ride home was as solemn as the ride to the gas station was nail biting. I think the engine cough once or twice before I pulled up to the pump. When I got to her driveway, I turned the car off and came around to let her out. Yeah, all gentlemen like. She was not amused. She gave me the handshake of death and then went in the front door.
Now for the 2012 stuff: We eventually got married. I had strep throat on the day of our wedding and had to be on a flight back to San Diego the next day. Three kids and ten years later, we parted ways. Damn, that was one long terrifying date.
Casey J says
lol. I would date you. I am akward with people at best, and I am cool with paying for gas. But then now we would have 6 kids and I am not cool with that. 😉
Shiny Rod says
I’ll keep that in mind when I decide to get back in the dating pool. All my kids are grow now and on there own. I did time in Atlanta for about 18 months working for IBM. Coca Cola, and finally landing a position with HP before going back to IBM and getting shipped to NC.
Casey J says
and I also can’t spell, but in this day and age…lol
Casey J says
My worst date was a guy I worked with in Atlanta. I was freshly divorced and thought what the hell. Nicest guy ever. We had the chemisty of a box of poptarts, but what the hell??
We went to the movies(something gory and horrible) and I actually didn’t want to eat it was so bad. Then we tooled around, ended back at his Parents house and watched a movie. Tried to talk to me, attempted to touch me by giving a back massage. ugh The nicest guy, and I get the willies the entire time. Figures. 😉
All in all, not horrible, but my worst date I can say. My only real date, honestly. Everyone else we would get drunk and bone. That is more my date than a massage on your moms velour couch!! hahaha.
Shiny Rod says
Boy, he broke so many dating rules, they must have pulled his dating card after that one! “Get out of the dating pool sir! We will have none of that here!”
Casey J says
and his name was “Dusty”. I shit you not. This was about 10 years ago. and he wore a cowboy hat. no other cowboy goodies. just a hat.
Maybe it is still at his Moms house. 😉
Never tried the internet thing for the same reason as “most” people think…a bunch of losers holding to hand cream and tissues in one hand and typing out his moans with the other. But times…they are a-changing.
My worst dates..well one of them..was a guy I met at a local bar. Really good looking, owned his own successful business, talked sunshine and shit the moon. The idiot takes me to a house party to meet his friends. I’m the only chick there. Later on, one of his friends lets it slip that he is married with children (!) and on further investigation he confesses none of the other wives/girlfriends were there because they are all friends of his wife. Douchwater POS.
This doesn’t officially count as a date… but about five years ago, I had a couple of friends that insisted that I just had to meet their friend Diana. They were going to set us up, and it would be a perfect match, and everyone would live happily ever after… my friends kept talking about it for probably six months, but they never actually arranged for me and Diana to meet.
Life went on… I bought a condo and had a house-warming party that summer. The house-warming party consisted of getting completely wasted, taking some taxis to a bar (Twisted Taco, for anyone from Atlanta), and then getting even more wasted. I think I probably had 10 drinks before getting to Twisted Taco. After I got there? Maybe 15 more.
Sometime after we had arrived at Twisted Taco, my two friends texted me that they would be arriving soon, and that Diana was with them.
I barely remember meeting Diana… I also barely remember dancing with her or drunk-making out with her. Usually this would mean that the night went well… but later Diana told my friends that she couldn’t picture dating a guy who gets drunk and makes out with random girls.
Meeting online seems so unnatural — sort of like meeting at a porno moviehouse or a gas station in a bad part of town — that relationships started there can never last. Sure, five, ten years maybe, but not forever.
Of course it depends what one is seeking. Marriage: no way; sex: any kind, any style, any gender, any species. And it’s about as safe as flashing a wad in an elevator full of Crips. For those for whom happiness and survival aren’t priorities, though, I think it’s just fine.
Jeff, I guess you guys in comedy call that a teaser. That’s what we who are not in comedy call it.
What about this LaughingLesbian on twitter? Who is she? Who are her people? Does she tweet well? Personally, I don’t twit. Hell, it takes me way more than 140 characters to tell you what time it is. My God, there are 24 time zones, man. Why do you only want to know what time it is in THIS one? Do you want that in military time? Zulu time? Daylight time? Sidereal time? And I don’t wear a watch. I do own a cell phone, but it’s in my ditty bag. I don’t carry it in my hand because I had a normal birth, plenty of blood to my brain. If I don’t care enough about time to wear a watch, why the fuck would I carry a mini-monolith in my damn hand? So it goes…
One nice thing about getting divorced occasionally is that everything you ever knew about dating is no longer true this time around. Marriage is like a time machine that takes you to the next Interval where you discover you never really cared for small talk anyway. Sex isn’t evil, but getting it makes people evil and unhappy. By people I mean me. So stay married because it sucks in the single world as well. And hey, kids, stay in school. And just say “no” to drug czars.
I’m afraid if I write more I might get silly. Can’t have that. No, we can’t.
Shiny Rod says
Oh, do entertain us JTB please do!!!
two words. Fanny pack.
i had no idea what a deal breaker was until he uttered the word fanny pack.
As a teenager, I met a girl at the mall. Went to dinner, went parking. All was going well. 😉 Then she asked me to take her to her place. YES! Drove out to the middle of nowhere as per her instructions and dropped her off…. AT THE STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL! Spent the rest of the night at the local police dept giving a statement as how I came to be dropping off a violent mental patient who had escaped the day before.
If this were a contest, I think you’d win.
Oh yeah! That one is TOTALLY the winner!
Jeezum H. Christmas!!! Outstanding!!
Loosen up, baby (actually, John Riggins said that). Henderson has a violent mental case on his hands and you’re worried about a fanny pack?
No internet dating. In fact, not much that most anyone could call “dating” at all. Before my first wife my preferred method of meeting women was walking up to random, seemingly (hopefully) unattached women in the bars I frequented, lifting their shirt while saying “let me see your tits”. You’d be suprised. I either got slapped or got laid. One way or another, it was generally worth it. Then my friend told me his wife was planning a holiday dinner of some sort, her friend invited me, and I WOULD be there. So I was.Took her home, some years later we went our seperate ways. Met the current Mrs. SVS in a grocery store. I was single, she was married. Nothing till she moved out, then she tracked me down. Seven or eight years later we ended up married, been that way for about eight now, I guess. One time she got pissed at me (pre-married days) and I told her I thought I may have to start dating. She laughed so hard she nearly fell over. Guess she didn’t think I was the dating type. One of the girls at work told me once “Your wife doesn’t have anything to worry about. Nobody else would want you”. That is all.
WB in OH says
I hate dating, so I gave up on it 10 years ago and have never looked back. Don’t really have an awkward dating story, they were all awkward. Maybe I’m just awkward. Well I think I’ve used awkward enough for one day.
A neighbor of mine has been using internet dating for a couple of years now. Lots of dates but what from what I can tell he needs to refine some of his search parameters, like less crazy.
Speaking of crazy, I sure hope we get are Nancy story tomorrow.
I been thinkin’. When I’m wrong, I’m wrong. Fanny pack is worse. Fuck John Riggins.
Dated the new English teacher at the school where I taught. Nothing was going anywhere, and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I found out she was a lesbian. Met some chick on the internet from Ireland. I thought it was cool to have a relationship with someone out of the country. We set up instant messaging, and things were going hot and heavy for a while. She even invited me to Ireland! I took it a step further, and got the low cost international calling plan added to my phone. So it comes time to make the first phone call…..It all went to hell after that. She could write in English very well, but the first time we spoke on the phone, neither of us could understand the brand of English the other was using. Things just kind of went to hell after that.
A girl I dated in college ended up marrying my best friend in college. I was jealous and pissed for a while, but I got over it. They ended up outside of Peoria, Il, and started a very successful ins. business. I googled him this year, as I hadn’t heard from him for a while. He had been arrested for attempted murder. Earlier this year, there was some “incedent”. She deveoped a massive gambling habit, found out he was divorcing her, staged an accident, where she “fell” down their basement steps, and cut her head. When they got to the hospital, she passed a note to the doctor, which said he was trying to kill her. The hospital verified her wounds. He was convicted of attempted murder, lost his ins. co. of 30 years, and is at Joliet, waiting to find out where he will spend the next 15 years of his life. She got everything. Glad that one didn’t work out for me! Ah, good times!
I think Henderson wins…
Definitely! Just goes to show you never know!
Chuck in Belpre says
I absolutely agree. A perfect tale.
I’ve done the internet dating thing the last couple years….. one date that stands out is when a very attractive, shapely woman used me for sex. Prior to that, I had that was the exclusive domain of men, using people like sex objects, and such. She also did stuff that I’d only ever seen in porn films……….. several times in one night.
After realizing I’d been duped / used, I was so heartbroken and hurt………….. for all of about 5 minutes, till I called my buddies and exclaimed, “I got USED! Yes!” (pumping fist in air….)
No internet stuff for me. Works for some so I’ve read here…just not anything I’d do.
Awkward stuff a few times while learning the ropes in high school but we all saw each other everyday and knew each other. No real disasters to speak of. Not much of a formal dating guy I guess. The Hollywood movie date isn’t my style and if it was her’s …we weren’t going anyway. I always worked nights, as most all of you know, so day time was more of a, “Ya wanna hang out tomorrow? Do something?”, kinda “date”. That’s just me. Foods fun. Good deli lunch or something. Ball games and zoos were a fave of mine and seemed to be for the current lady of my eye too. Hey…how can you go wrong with either…guys always adjusting their nuts or masturbating monkeys.
Dating-wise, I’ve got nothing. I don’t even enjoy it; as you say, it feels like a job interview.
I’m really looking forward to some Tales from the House of Nancy. It’s been a long time!
tracy in ohio says
I never actually dated anyone I met on the internet. I was always too chicken to meet them. I did reconnect with my current husband through a dating site. I had met him months before and didn’t think much else about him. For fun I would look at peoples pictures and profiles on the dating sites and make fun of them in my head. Ran across his profile and realized I knew who he was so I sent him a message. We never actually dated just hooked up for a while then decided to move in together. Married a year later. Been married for 7 years now.
I do have a friend that met her husband on the internet. He was from Ireland and shes from the states. They’ve been married for 8 years now.
I guess it can happen and work sometimes but there seems to be an awful lot of crazies out there.
Wonder how long it’ll take for the reply clock to reset to EST. Last time, it took 8 months.
Casey J says
I also wanted to date a teacher…no go. But I did carry on relations…with my bosses. plurals, but at seperate times. jeez. people!!!
Don’t judge, because hey at least I never got fired. sigh. that seems like a long time ago.
for example tomorrows excitement is returning a crib. yes. you heard right. Wednesday I might go to Home Depot, but Im not sure I will have the time…
Dating isn’t bad. It’s the getting past the first or second date that is excrutiating. Bad Date: My first ever date was with a guy who owned an MGB(?) classic. We went on a Christmas Car RallyScavenger Hunt. We were doing great until his car died in some hilly and foggy area of OC. He had to call his Mom to come pick us up and take me home. We still dated for awhile after that but nothing else. He is still is a good friend.
One and only husband – met using Match.com. I was on my 2nd 6-month membership and he had just started his membership (after a friend kept hounding him to do it) I was the only one of four women who responded to his email. Dated one year with a major trip to Canada, engaged for one year and now married for 9 years. It does work if you can find the normal dateable people.
Chuck in Belpre says
I’m all atingle in anticipation of tomorrows post. Maybe it is the malaria flaring up. I just don’t know.
My worst also ended up being my best. Went out with a woman who got fired from her flight attendant job because of her fondness for cocaine. I took her out to dinner (Sebastian’s, for you Parkersburgers) and she spent the entire evening bitching about how guys were always after her body, and I probably was too…but she made it expressly clear that it wasn’t going to happen.
Anyway, at the end of the evening, I dropped her off at her house, evening opening the passenger side door for her. I shook her hand, and told her I had a really nice time.
The next day, I heard from a female friend that my “date” was telling everyone she knew in town what a total effin’ sob I was because I wouldn’t come upto her apartment and have sex with her.”
T. Farty McAppleass says
The only time I go to dating sites is to check the lesbian listings to see if I know any of them.
I dated a girl one time who told me that she worshiped the devil while we were having dinner. That was the craziest fucking thing I’d ever heard. Deal breaker for sure.
I have met many girls online. I may elaborate tomorrow but am getting ready to bail on work, sooooo.
What’s weird about some of these sites is the horrible pictures people will put up of themselves. I’m not exactly a 6 or anything but geeze. Pictures of chicks frowning, or accentuating their double chins, or worse.
Worse you say? Yeah, pictures of their kids. You are putting your best foot forward, it’s one thing to know you have kids, it’s another to see them before you even talk online. It just seems like a pedo-magnet.
And one last thing, I get it you have kids. I get that they are your “world”. Every girl puts that in her damn post.
I’m the proud single mother of 3 and they are my world. I’m not looking for a father for them…
Basically they are showing me that their vagina was once full of bad decisions.
Weird, back in 98 or so I made out with a random girl in Atlanta and I think her name was Diane. We met at some bar called the MJ or something, midtownish I want to say. Kind of a goth/techno-ish place.
SC Scott says
Back in ancient times, when the internet was just a gleam in Dan Quayle’s eye, I used the best option at the time for us social misfits, the personal ads in the local newspaper. One date was with this woman who was a bit larger than I would have liked, but she also had a proportionate rack, which for me can overcome a lot of other questionable physical traits. We went out, she tested my knowledge of world events and apparently I passed because I got invited back to her place. Where she let me do anything and everything except penetration. But she was watching television the whole time and eventually I took notice of that fact. Somehow she just wasn’t into me. Eventually I found out that she preferred women but her cousin had pushed her into trying men again. If she had just told me that up front we might still be together, the three of us.
I did eventually meet my wife using the personals. We talked a lot on the phone before we actually met, so we were pretty comfortable by the time that day rolled around. It hasn’t always been easy but we are still together today. It’s up to someone else to try and convert the lesbians.
Uncle Buzz in Wheeling says
The late Richard Jeni, the comedian, used to say, regarding dating, that people should at least have the decency to tell you that they’re psychopaths *before* you go out with them.
Today’s quote: “When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s Dad. He said, ‘I want my daughter back by 8:15.’ I said, ‘The middle of August? Cool!’ ” – Steven Wright
Bonus: “I date this girl for two years – and then the nagging starts: ‘I wanna know your name…’ ” – Mike Binder
Eddie MC says
Worst date ever – I asked a woman to a party that a friend of a friend was hosting. I thought it would be a low pressure way to get to know her since there would be other people there. My friend told me the wrong address for the party. Most of the “date” involved me walking with her from door to door in thirty degree weather (we lived in New York City) saying, “I think this might be where the party is.” We never found the party and ended up eating greasy slices of pizza in a hole-in-the wall dirty pizzera. She said that she thought the whole incident was funny but for some reason she never returned my subsequent calls.