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We Need More Cable TV!

August 12, 2008 By Jeff 62 Comments

Yesterday I joked about wanting a cable channel that shows only the human interest stories about Olympic athletes, and leaves out all the actual competition.
 
This got me to thinking about other ideas for cable networks I’ve cooked-up through the years.  I tried to collect them together, and have almost certainly forgotten a few.  But here are the ones I can instantly recall:
 
The Choking Channel  Nothing but people choking on food, twenty-four hours a day.
 
RaveTV  Repetitive, thumping technocrap blaring at all times, the screen functioning as a giant strobe light.  …Of course, we’d have to do some advance testing, to make sure it wouldn’t destroy plasma screen TVs and/or trigger grand mal seizures.
 
Weather Forecast Classic  Random weather forecasts, lifted from local TV news broadcasts over the past forty years.  Almost all would be for uneventful days, when nothing out of the ordinary happened.
 
The Pet Alone Network  A channel for pets that are home alone.  Open fields, walks around interesting neighborhoods, car rides, jowly senior citizens spooning on the praise…  I think it would be a hit.     
 
The Off Channel  For people who get anxious and nervous when the TV is turned off, but occasionally need a little peace and quiet.  It would be completely silent, and the screen would be black – except for the comforting Off Channel logo in the lower right-hand corner.

So there you go.  Those are but a few of my ideas for new cable networks.  And now it’s your turn.

Please leave your suggestions in the comments.

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Comments

  1. Kathleen says

    August 12, 2008 at 1:39 pm

    “The Birth Control” channel – for those people who think they want children, but haven’t actually spent any time around them. It would show siblings of all ages and how “well” they get along, how quiet they are, how well they respond to their parents, etc.

    Reply
  2. V says

    August 12, 2008 at 1:46 pm

    The Buffet Channel – Non stop exciting action of a hidden camera catching the grossly obese filling their plates at Old Country, Lubys, Chinese places, etc. Viewers could watch in horror and amusement as patrons dig in for seconds and thirds of steam table offerings. Small friendly wagers could even placed amongst friends to make it more appealing to the 18-34 demo. ie. “Betcha five bucks Uncle Fatty puts gravy on his ice cream”

    Reply
  3. Bill in WV says

    August 12, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    The Weather Dial Channel – just a camera panning back and forth to view guages showing time, temperature, barometric pressure, humidity, wind speed and from which direction. Just panning back and forth continuously. Sorry, had a 70’s moment.

    Reply
  4. Bill in WV says

    August 12, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    Oh, almost forgot, I’d also like to see the N&N Network started up sometime soon, showcasing the lives and times of your famous douchebag in-laws.

    Reply
  5. tiff says

    August 12, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    The All Billy Mays, All The Time Channel. Come with earplugs should you decide to subscribe.

    The ShamWow Show! 24 hours of soaking-up stuff! I LOVE my ShamWow Show!

    The Pedi-Egg Channel. Because how many times can you watch the parmesean-y goodness of foot shaving??

    ———————————-

    Also? Something involving rotting diapers. Just because.

    Reply
  6. tiff says

    August 12, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    Oh! ANother one!

    “How to dress youself” channel, with shows like “Cover up your tits, ladies” and ‘Belts, they’re not just for your Dad anymore.” “how to avoid a muffin top” could get on the lineup if low-waisted pants come back in fashion.

    Demographic? Teenagers who shop at WalMart. I’m just sayin’. Hell, they could show the channel on those stupid god-awful BLARING teevees they have hanging about your head every ten feet!

    Reply
  7. jbay says

    August 12, 2008 at 2:58 pm

    OK, off the top of my head:

    1) the Yule Log channel should be year-round.
    2) so should the Puppy Bowl
    3) the Bacon Channel is a must. Sort of like the food network but all bacon and only bacon.

    I like the walmart greeter channel idea…maybe it could be a full on “Affirmation Channel” where people tell you how great you are, 24/7, and a spin-off, where a guy says, over and over “no, I don’t think your ass looks fat at all. No, really, not one bit”

    Reply
  8. Tony Tony Tony says

    August 12, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    Standing in Line Channel.

    Various lines throughout the world.

    Specials include:
    Who’s Line is it anyway? (Filmed at festival concert portapotty banks)

    What’s my line (filmed in DMV’s and Polling places)

    The thin red line (single file irish waiting on Guiness)

    The long gray line (Old people waiting to…die)

    And the hit sitcom: No-Cutsies.

    Reply
  9. brokencog says

    August 12, 2008 at 6:10 pm

    The Politician White Lies, and the Grey Ones and the Fat Outta’ Control Rhinoceros Granddaddy lies Channel. It would be complete with campaign commercials that display ultimate batshit hypocrisy, compared to the actual “decisions” made.
    It would be a nice-touch with “Human” interest stories with the likes of Tricky Dicky, Johnson etc. and a blowout special of ‘Not Having Sex with That Woman!”‘ and replays of Colin Powell getting greased up by Bush in his U.N. Speech on the eights.

    Reply
  10. Knucklehead says

    August 12, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    Holy crap, it is Tuesday! See, when you don’t work, it’s hard to keep track…

    Reply
  11. Gino says

    August 12, 2008 at 9:01 pm

    I can’t imagine a better idea than having a tattoo of the smoking fish. That way I could wear the hat, have the tattoo, and print out the smoking fish for every time I take a picture in front of something famous…. that is if I ever go anywhere famous.

    Reply
  12. D says

    August 14, 2008 at 1:21 am

    My ultimate channel would be one that showed nothing except people slipping and falling. Preferably on ice, as that is by far the best. Of course any unexpected slippery surface would suffice.

    Just for the record, tripping and falling is not nearly as funny to me as SLIPPING and falling. Not that tripping isn’t funny, it certainly is, but slipping has it beat any day of the week. The cartoon-like “running-in-mid-air” is priceless, before the inevitable gravity induced fall to earth.

    D

    Reply
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