This is going to be a quickie, because my counterpart at work gets to go home as soon as I arrive. So, I’m feeling social pressure to get in there and put him out of his misery. The good news? I also get to leave early. It’s weird, ’cause yesterday felt like Saturday, and now here I am back in the work week — at the extreme wrong end. I’m all discombobulated.
Anyway, a few days ago Toney asked me to pick up some toilet paper while I was out running some errands. Years ago I would’ve been embarrassed to make such a purchase, unless it was embedded inside a larger buy. Ya know? My attitude today is “That’s right, I wipe. In fact, I’m going to take this home right now, bust it open, and go to town with it.” For the record, I also bought a coconut cream pie. Rectum ribbon and pie. What of it?
And while I was there making my TP selection, I spotted the questionable stuff in the photo. 57 cents!? I sent the picture to Toney to see if it was acceptable, and she said I might want to go up a class or two. Heh. I was thinking it would be like copier paper, but she said it would more likely be super-thin and dissolve upon contact. What do you guys think?
I went with a 12 pack of Cottonelle, which will probably be like using an angora rabbit. I don’t really know yet. I’m not keeping track.
In any case, I’d like know if any of you have ever been in a situation where you were forced to engage in stunt-wiping. You know, where you have to use something other than TP? I don’t think I have. It seems like I might have had to use the cardboard tube once or twice, for a final pass. But I’ve never had to use leaves, a shower curtain, socks, the spinning wheel of an exercise bike, or anything like that. How about you? Do you have any stories to tell on this subject?
Before I call it a weird day here, I want to remind you guys — once again — to please use our Amazon links to make your holiday (or personal!) purchases. Just click through any of them, like this one, and shop as normal. It’ll cost you nothing extra, and help me a great deal.
I’m going to leave now, and let Mike start his weekend.
Have a great day, my friends!
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I’ve had to use coffee filters once. It’s like trying to clean peanut butter out of a shag carpet
I’ve used coffee filters, they weren’t too bad.
I buy the 40-roll pack at Sam’s, and I’m damn proud of it !!
NYC, emergency occurs. Walking the streets and I have to find a public restroom. I see a Wendy’s and the bathroom is in the basement of the building. Sweet relief, but then I notice no TP. I go in the women’s room. Nothing. But I am wearing two socks. It’s amazing the clarity that comes over your brain in an emergency.
I was once out boating with friends of friends when the need struck. I volunteered to go ashore to retrieve something left at a wooded campsite and did what I needed to do just off the path where I wasn’t visible from the water.
When I swam back out to the boat I just ducked underwater, pulled down my trunks and grabbed a couple handfuls of sand off the bottom.
It worked and I’m a very bad man.
Rough camping = looking for leaves because you forgot that nature doesn’t come with toilets or other niceties.
The cardboard tube thing also.
I was bulk buying TP somewhere (it was on a great sale, I’m cheap like that), maybe 8 or 10 packs of it, when the cashier casually asked “is this for your business?”. Were I a faster thinker I would have replied “no, I just shit a lot”, but instead I felt kind of embarrassed. My wife found the whole thing hilarious.
My friend was doing the laundry when she noticed the pocket had been ripped out of her husbands sweatpants. He was on the golf course when the need arose.
Used napkins from a found Krystal bag. The mustard stung a little and I had a pickle stuck on my balloon knot.
Out offroading and I needed to go “right mother-fucking now” and ended up having to use the rag I had to check the oil in the truck
Ironically, when someone puts a finger up another’s ass, it’s referred to as “checking the oil.”
This won’t sound like a serious question, but it really is. Is that in a medical or sexual context, or in a context that exceeds my imagination? Thanks for your prompt attention to this finger matter.
John
I believe in a medical, sexual or God forbid, a deviant context, it applies.
I can’t even add to this because I’m laughing too fucking hard at all of these…..
Me, too!
Just a crusty snot riddled tissue. My cousin on the other hand had to use one lowly cotton ball for a massive diarrhea attack.
The completely unused section of deposit slips from my checkbook have led to clean endings several times when the need struck to make a deposit while off the sewer grid.
OK, so there’s an extent to which you can’t judge a book by its cover or a product by its price, but there’s a fuckin’ limit.
In economic terms, if you think toilet paper is a pure commodity — something differentiated primarily by price — (on the commodity – specialty continuum) just buy the cheapest one. If you think it’s a specialty — differentiated by quality and suitability to purpose on that continuum — buy the least expensive product with which you’ve been entirely satisfied in the past. In either case, it’s hard to see why the decision merits a photograph and a call home. This concludes the grumpy old man analysis.
As for me, toilet paper (which didn’t exist until 1857 [for the rich] and not until the 1920s or even 1930s as a general necessity) is the last thing I’ll get on the cheap when I run out of money (way after cat food and clothing).
I wouldn’t use Valu Time in my Fram oil filter, but then I have a strong preference for lubricating my engine when it’s running. Call it a fetish. Your mileage might vary.
jtb
A long while ago, I went to a small Catholic grade school where being wasteful was not part of the curiculum… e.g. coloring with busted crayons, using both sides of those old Indian Chief tablet pages and the use of the school’s weird-ass el cheapo toilet wipes were encouraged. The wipes were about 4″ x 4″ and made from some nonabsorbent cellulose material that contained large flecks of pulp wood. There was a small dispenser on the lavatory partion that gave them out one crummy sheet at a time. Using just one of them to do your business always resulted in fouling your hand. Using a handful of wipes was cleaner but due to the high coefficient of pulpwood friction, usually ended up a very sore nozzle. Many kids were seen later washing their hands vigorously suggesting that they may have solved the problem with less than one sheet (the days before Purell).
Thank you RAR, you brought a flood of memories to the surface. The fat broken crayons in a cigar box and Indian Chief paper! I can smell first grade right now. I too remember the cellulose TP but my elementary school had the rolls with the stop block attached. When you pulled it would stop at about 2 squares of TP. Six or eight pulls would get you enough paper. Imagine a bathroom full of 7 year olds “Clang, clang, clang”
My daughter and then boyfriend at the time were avid campers and during one their hikes she had the need to speed, but no where to go. Only open dry stream beds lay around with no foliage in sight, only rocks and other random hikers. She looked to him for his survival guidance and he assured her by replying, “Use a rock”. She discovered the skipping rocks were best suited for the mission. Only to reveal he was kidding. Needless to say they’re married now….I like happy endings.
I travel a lot for work. Pitching away games is not a problem for me. But I have a colleague that travels with his own supply of shit tickets.
A friend of mine used poison ivy when he was a youngster. Then told us how he laid in bed naked on his stomach for a week and his Mom would apply Calamine lotion periodically. He had a rough couple of weeks after he told us the story. Kids can be ruthless.
Every time you use the cardboard tube, you’re depriving a child or a stoned adolescent of a der-der.
jtb
I’m a Scott Tissue man myself. That’s my brand. I’m happy with it. Just firm enough to stay in one piece when needed and not so firm as to be abrasive. I absolutely abhor “ultra soft” brands. What kind of cosmic joke is that? They start to disintegrate almost when you are unrolling it from the tube and leave your anus infested with a collection of what we would colloquially refer to in our youth as “dingle berries”. Which then flake off the rest of the day leaving your underwear filled with bits of TP. No thank you. If you need anything softer than Scott’s you probably need to see a doctor. You have issues down there.
Scotts is the only brand my toilet and septic will accept.
Oh I once used a mini pad to cleanse the area. Forgot about that since I haven’t used those products in a number of years.
My wife must always have a year’s supply of toilet paper on hand. Takes up a lot of space, but never have to worry about running out. Can’t stand the stuff at work, it is barely one ply and feels like wax paper.
Had to use the opening section of “The Scarlet Letter,” I think it’s called “The Custom House,” during an emergency in high school. I fared poorly when I was tested on that portion of the novel. It was also a lousy substitute for toilet paper. Never liked that book.
Darb you are a genius. I’ll put my copy of “Madam Bovary” in the horse trailer for emergencies.
I already have “The Art of the Deal” ready for action, although the action might improve it. I’m just saying. . .
jtb
Me: You need to pick up t p soon.
Child Bride: I will tomorrow.
Me: (the next day) Did you get t p?
Child Bride: I dint have time. Tomorrow for sure.
Me: ( the day after that) (screaming from da bafroom) Where is the t p I’m stranded here!
Child Bride: Why dint you get it?
Me: (ten minutes later) The Guest hand towels in here need to be washed. They look a little soiled.
Yes, that went over really well.
Sounds like a David Sedaris story.
I had to google who that was. Turns out he is performing here in April.
And what is going on in that picture? Is that a dog or a child with a pre-henseled monkey tail unraveling the roll? What is with the alternate capital letters? You know Japan is involved in this marketing ploy. A way to poison our anuses. Remember when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
Cleaning your arse with “the spinning wheel of an exercise bike” was patented a long time ago:
http://viz.co.uk/clag-gone/
Flat rocks work fairly well. Snow is great. It washes as it wipes.
I’m also a Scott man.
I’ve had a few adventures of alternate wiping.
The one that springs immediately to mind was using my underwear to wipe. I once shredded my underwear on a camping trip, this was after I used my undershirt. I only had one pair of extra socks, so those weren’t getting all turded up. We brought toilet paper, but a water bottle spilled all over them in the bag so we had to wait until they were completely dry before we could use them. Everyone else waited a day, my bowels were being impatient.
I’ve used pieces of busted up cement. I used to cut grass at cemeteries as a teenager. Some of these cemeteries were way out in the woods. I had a case of the florps and hung my ass over a log to express the distress. I could wipe with leaves, which I’ve never trusted because i don’t want chiggers on my sphincter, pine cones, or some busted cement that was laying around. I used the cement, I don’t remember it being very bad. I can definitely see using smooth rocks to wipe with as a normal thing. I started keeping several rolls of TP in my truck after that. I still keep a bunch of TP in all our cars now.
We don’t have this problem at my house though. We buy Costco paper by the truckload and have at least a dozen roles in each bathroom at all times.
A new commercial addresses this subject. Personally I would have wiped with the Terrible Towel. 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4GizME-loI&feature=youtu.be
“Blast” from the past…
http://thewvsr.com/lakrfool1.htm
My father was at a golf course in far West Texas, had a violent attack of the shits, and had to use A ROCK.
I come from hearty stock…