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Stress Sleep, Crickets, Carl Ripken, and Our New Country Album

October 10, 2012 By Jeff 61 Comments

Yesterday morning my alarm started its goddamn chirping at 9:30.  When I work, I usually get to bed between 3:00 and 3:30, and six hours is plenty of sleep, thank you very much.  The alarm goes off on those days, always at the same time.

But I’m having some trouble, my friends…  Yesterday, for instance, I woke up and looked at the clock.  I knew I’d hit the snooze button a few times, but figured it couldn’t be any later than 10:00.  Ha!  It was 12:19.

This is becoming an issue.  I’m sleeping way too much, and Toney blames it on the stress.  She’s probably right.  I think I’m hiding behind the wall of sleep, as the Smithereens might say.  Even on non-work days I’m overdoing it with the sack time, and it’s not laziness; I’m not just wallowing around, refusing to get up.  I’m sleepin’.

Yesterday I couldn’t update the site because of this crap, and today Toney set two alarm clocks for me: the regular one, which gets slapped into submission, and another one way across the room.  The second clock requires me to get out of bed to stop the racket.  Today it did the trick, but I’ll work it into the routine soon.  I’ll just adapt, and a third clock might be required.  Then a fourth.

And if you guys knew the story behind all the crazy stress, you wouldn’t believe it.  I told my friend Bill about it a few days ago, and all he could say was, “Wait… What?”  Someday I’ll give you the whole story.  Sweet sainted mother of Jason J. Delmonico!

A few days ago at work I was preparing to have a meeting with my “team” (bullshit corporate speak pisses me off, which probably doesn’t help matters), and they were spread all around the room.  I was standing in the middle, and said, “Can you guys move to one side, please?  I can’t do this ‘in the round.’ I’m not Kenny Rogers.”

Nothing but crickets.  Nobody knew what the hell I was talking about, and most of them probably don’t even know who Kenny Rogers is.  I have underwear older than some of those people…  I frequently feel like a relic from a different era, like I should be out chasing a hoop with a stick, or whatever.

I had a teacher in Junior High who used antiquated phrases all the time, and we’d all just howl with laughter.  Especially when she’d say to some smartass kid, “You think you’re the cock of the walk, don’t you?”  We’d practically piss ourselves whenever she broke that one out.  And now I feel like I might be edging in her direction.

Shit.  Maybe I should just quit my job, and start riding the rails?  I’m about the right age to embrace the hobo lifestyle, right?  I could probably get some good thinking done while standing around a burning barrel in fingerless gloves.  It’s definitely something to consider.

Here’s something that made me laugh, or at least snort: Surf Reporter Joel forwarded me a link about Cal Ripken Jr. being identified as “Carl” on TBS.  Check it out.  It’s very close to what Nostrils called him, a few years ago.  Heh.

And you know how I’m always complaining about people shitting at work?  Some of them immediately upon arrival?  Well, I think there’s a lot more texting going on, than shitting.  I believe people are going into a stall, sitting on a toilet, and playing around with their phones for 20 minutes.  ‘Cause there seems to be a massive uptick in dumping, but a marked decline in funking.  What are your thoughts on this?  Am I way off?  I don’t think I am.

This morning I thought my computer was fixin’ to die. It started moving like it was on AOL circa 1996, then completely seized-up. I couldn’t get it to do anything, and finally had to unplug it from the wall.  It took forever to boot-up again, and was clattering and clacking like a Tom Waits album.  Eventually it came back to life, and I downloaded this program.  I ran a full system scan, and it found more than a thousand problems.  The program supposedly fixed all the issues, and my machine is running super-fast now.  It’s amazing.  You might want to check it out.  It’s free, and I’ve only been using it for a couple of hours.  But so far I’m thinking it’s pretty kick-ass.

And speaking of Kenny Rogers (I mentioned him, right?), I was thinking about writing and recording a country album.  No, I can’t sing, play an instrument, or write a song.  But that’s beside the point.  I believe I could come up with some decent country/western song titles, if I put my mind to it.  And that’s 90% of the battle, right?

In fact, maybe we can work on that project together?  I’ll start the ball rolling with three songs I’ve come up with, and maybe you guys can take it from there?  Together we can build a more perfect country album.  What do you say?

Here are my offerings, to get the ball rolling:

“She’s Black (and I’m Blue)”

“I Thought I Saw the Light at the End of the Tunnel (But It Was Only a Chip in My Glasses)”

“Don’t Put Your Wipin’ Hand in the Cracker Barrel”

If you have anything to add to this dubious exercise, or anything else mentioned above, please use the comments link.  And I’ll be back tomorrow.  No work on Thursday, so it should be smooth sailing.

Thanks for reading, folks.  I appreciate you coming here every day. I really do.

See ya tomorrow!

Now playing in the bunker
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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Swami Bologna says

    October 10, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Yessireebob.

    Reply
  2. sunshine_in_va says

    October 10, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Damnit – wanted to be #1 for once!

    Reply
  3. Swami Bologna says

    October 10, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Perhaps Bill Oates could update his blog with details on the source of Mr. Oates’s work-related stress. http://billoates.blogspot.com/

    Reply
  4. sunshine_in_va says

    October 10, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Jeff – those people are probably ‘sexting’ from the toilet. Where else can you be naughty and naked and protected from management from being harrassed about it by management.

    Don’t shake the wiping hand indeed…..

    Reply
    • sunshine_in_va says

      October 10, 2012 at 1:49 pm

      Boy – what kind of butchery of the English language was that? Try again:

      “Where else can you be naughty and naked and protected from being harrassed by management about it.”

      Reply
  5. T. Farty McAppleass says

    October 10, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    I went the multiple alarm clock route years ago. It’s a loosing game, son. I ended up making a contraption out in my garage. You clip it to your ear lobes when you go o bed and it delivers an electric shock when it’s time for you to wake up. I could send you the plans.

    I’m also way behind the times. Works both ways for me. Some kid will mumble a phrase and I just stare a him like a shit chucking ape.

    Reply
  6. icecycle66 says

    October 10, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Isn’t Kenny Rogers the chicken guy?

    Reply
    • sunshine_in_va says

      October 10, 2012 at 1:50 pm

      Pitcher for the Indians, I think.

      Reply
  7. Root 66 says

    October 10, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    When you made your Kenny Rogers reference, your co-workers were probably thinking, “What’s this got to do with fried chicken?!”…dang whippersnappers!

    Country song titles:

    “I Fell in Love with Crystal (Meth)”

    “We’re Still Kin, Even Though We’re Divorced”

    “Trailer Park Hoedown”

    Reply
  8. Fancy Pants Maguire says

    October 10, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Fiddlin’ Shoes

    Don’t Forget About Me Jesus (when I’ve got sheep-lovin’ on my mind)

    Reply
  9. druglife says

    October 10, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    this is the alarm clock you need. there is another one that flies off and hides but i can’t find it now. but anyways here ya go.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXfP_NbUaRE

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      October 10, 2012 at 2:14 pm

      I’d have this in pieces after the first “chase”.

      Then again, it would have to go through the obstacle course of shoes and shit across the floor of the room and would probably beocme disabled.

      Reply
      • druglife says

        October 11, 2012 at 12:44 am

        yea i didn’t consider all the stuff on the floor, it’s the same at my house. i did find a video of a flying alarm clock it’s kinda weak though. they also make a clock that you have to solve a puzzle before it turns off . heres the vid for “flying alarm clock”

        Reply
      • druglife says

        October 11, 2012 at 12:44 am

        yea i didn’t consider all the stuff on the floor, it’s the same at my house. i did find a video of a flying alarm clock it’s kinda weak though. they also make a clock that you have to solve a puzzle before it turns off . heres the vid for “flying alarm clock”

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TW-lRARx47c&feature=related

        Reply
  10. kristin says

    October 10, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    they’re not texting, they’re playing words with friends. how do I know this?……

    Reply
  11. madz1962 says

    October 10, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    I think maybe a part of your sleeping pattern could have to do with it being so damn gloomy out in the east coast. Nothing but rain for days on end doesn’t make me want to spring out of bed. Plus, I get up at 5:45 and it’s friggin’ pitch black out.

    “I Got A Plug Of Tobaccy Wedged In My Windpipe”

    “I Boinked Her In her Beehive”

    “Street Surfin’ With My Ford 450”

    “Spotlight on Kenny Rogers In The Round”

    “Got So Drunk, I Fucked My Fender Guitar”

    Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      October 10, 2012 at 3:24 pm

      HA!

      Reply
  12. ron says

    October 10, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    am still trying to work bugs out of my invention
    garage door opener attached to head of bed
    will stand bed up against wall at preset time
    no way you can go back to sleep

    Reply
  13. Ognir says

    October 10, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Hi, I’m Kenny Rogers. . .

    Reply
    • The Qweezy Mark says

      October 10, 2012 at 2:48 pm

      And I am the First Addition.

      Reply
      • Ognir says

        October 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm

        I was thinking of the old Mad TV sketch.

        Reply
  14. Bill in WV says

    October 10, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    “Hole in my heart and corn in my shit”

    “The tears on my pillow just might be boogers”

    “I’ve been lovin’ the wrong hole”

    Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      October 10, 2012 at 4:07 pm

      There’s a wrong hole?

      Reply
  15. t-storm says

    October 10, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Country fried stake through my heart

    NASCAR hearted, state fair headed

    Don’t take your cellphone fishin’

    Is the stores related to that old bat that your kids vandalized?

    Reply
  16. icecycle66 says

    October 10, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    My Momma, My Sister, and Me (The Two of Us Alone)

    The Wife Kicked the Dog (So I Punched Her in the Face)

    The Cabbage Patch Shuffle

    Murdering Faith Hill

    All Outta Booze, Guess I’ll Just Kill Myself

    Don’t Welcome your Kind (‘Round Here)

    Rubber Boots on the Farm

    Makin’ Love to the Hay Stack

    Broke Down Truck, Guess I’ll Just Kill Myself

    Deer Huntin’ and Chicken Fuckin’

    Live in the Sticks, Guess I’ll Just Kill Myself

    Motor Boat You on my My Motor Boat

    If They’re All Your Daughters (Polygamy is Fine)

    Square Dance at Dawn

    Liquor from a Plastic Bag

    My Brother Stole My Chaw (And my Heart)

    Plowin’ the Bean Field

    Reloader Blues

    Run a (Wagon) Train on my Wife

    Sent Back to Prison, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

    You Can Stay the Night (Just Don’t Fuck My Wife)

    Bitch Ran Off with My Biggest Stuffed Fish

    Put on Yer Dancin’ Shoes (Walmart Here We Come)

    Reply
  17. WB in OH says

    October 10, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    I didn’t get the Kenny Rogers joke either. Can someone explain it to me, I hate being out of the loop.

    Ron, I was thinking about the same thing, but I know I’ll just lay on the floor and try to sleep. Going to need a conveyor belt to haul me to the shower…

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      October 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

      You are kidding, right? If not, KR used to do a lot of “in the round” shows, where the stage was in the center of the arena and he performed to all sides of the place, so nobody felt left out. I think this is also how he got the idea for his chicken joints.

      Reply
      • WB in OH says

        October 10, 2012 at 4:01 pm

        No, I wasn’t kidding. Thanks for the enlightenment.

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          October 10, 2012 at 4:15 pm

          Neil Diamond did/does these kinds of concerts, too. I took my parents and my aunt in 1992. Freaking great concert! No, really…

          Reply
      • Swami Bologna says

        October 10, 2012 at 4:09 pm

        http://articles.philly.com/1996-12-30/news/25642749_1_prussia-mall-wfil-free-tickets

        Reply
    • Limey says

      October 10, 2012 at 7:43 pm

      I thought it was because Kenny Rogers was fat, aka in the round, on account of all the fried chicken.

      Reply
  18. icecycle66 says

    October 10, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    I Humped a Mermaid, Some People Call Them Fish

    Spotlighting with the Sherriff

    Big Tractor Small Penis

    Crosseyed, Hunchbacked, Hairliped, and Bald

    My Best Friend is My Dog and He Hates My Guts

    Don’t Put Up With Racists ‘Round Here, and Spics Neither

    The Mystery of Magnets

    Moonshine by Daylight

    Two Cars and Seven Blocks Blues

    That Sign With All The Bullet Holes In It

    Family Reunion in Cell Block D

    Four Brothers but only Three Holes (Who’s a Girl to Do)

    Reply
  19. CitizenX says

    October 10, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    Not sure what’s going on over there, but I hope it’s no where near as bad as you’ve made it sound.

    ? HANG IN THERE!

    Reply
  20. CADude says

    October 10, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    The computer program promises to “keep your PC feeling fresh and clean.”

    Apparently Jeff’s PC just needed an electronic douche.

    Reply
  21. required says

    October 10, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Jeff,

    I kinda figured you for a Smithereens fan. You probably have heard this band but if not, check out Love Burns by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Good stuff..

    Reply
  22. madz1962 says

    October 10, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    “If I Had A Quarter For Every Tooth I Lost, I’d Have $5.75”

    “Tore My Hefty Bag Open At The Laundromat”

    “Possum and Squirrel Casserole Blues”

    “A Suitcase Of Beer Suds to Wash Away My Broken Heart”

    “Growin’ My Beard Past My Titties”

    Reply
  23. Jeff says

    October 10, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    ‘Forever and Ever (My Chinless Tina)’

    Reply
  24. required says

    October 10, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Walmart on my Mind

    Reply
  25. hollerbabe says

    October 10, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Jiminy Cricket–gawd. What…oh, wait. That was a reference to the silence after your comment about KR in the round. Jeeezzz. Well, I guess nowadays if somebody performed in the round people would see all the electronic gear they got belted to their backsides to make them sound good….where was I…Listen, I find myself at the threshhold of my so-called golden years with no retirement and no job, so this column is as close as I can get to any form of therapy. Scary, huh. Anyway, when I was about 4 years old or so, my mom took a notion to inform me that there was something living in my stomach, “down here,” she said, and patted her abdomen, that told me when I did something wrong. My active imagination immediately lit upon the current star of the day, Jiminy Cricket. Yes, folks, I immediately became convinced I had a bug living in my stomach, upon which, I immediately set about trying to smother that creature living uninvited in my innards with food. Of course, I was also immediately smitten with an attack of conscience because Jiminy Cricket had vaguely annoyed me with his platitudes and smug songs of encouragement to “do the right thing.” And here I had him living inside my guts. To this day I cannot stand crickets, and I have yet to kill one. And, yes, I continue to struggle with my weight. There’s more to it than that, of course, but I trace the original trauma, as they call it, to my mother’s ill-advised attempts to get me to behave even if she wasn’t around to monitor. What might help me most here is if some of ya’ll could relate any childhood traumas similar to this caused by well meaning parents or other authority figures in your lives. Thank you.

    Reply
  26. bikerchick says

    October 10, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    My Treatments Ain’t Workin’ No More
    Chewin’ On The Dog Bone Of My Life
    Hell Bent Me Over The Fence
    My Heart Skips A Beat (When I Get You Off Your Feet)
    Pappa Warned Me (She’s A Barnyard Tom Cat)

    Reply
  27. chill says

    October 10, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    “The Devil Went Down to Scranton”
    “Mothers, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Writers”
    “Lewisburg Blues”

    My first alarm clock is my cell phone. The second one is loud and obnoxious and is in a room across the hall. They are set for 4:57 and 5:00am respectively.

    Jeff sounds as though his stress is like mine: what with all the firings, quittings and layoffs, I now have a double-to-triple workload, and it was not small before. Yet management says business is so slow that we have to freeze wages for the next 12 months.

    The Jiminy Cricket character was voiced by Cliff “Ukulele Ike” Edwards, a huge celebrity that nobody has heard of.

    Thank you, and good night.
    .

    Reply
    • Ed says

      October 11, 2012 at 9:04 am

      I thought Jiminy was voiced by Otis the town drunk.

      Reply
      • hollerbabe says

        October 11, 2012 at 9:07 am

        Thanks, Ed. That explains a lot…

        Reply
  28. Lori in cbus says

    October 10, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    “I’ll be your Honey Boo Boo (If you’ll be my Sugar Bear)”

    “Bite Me (then go fuck yourself)”

    “Oops! I farted again”

    “Take this finger and pull it”

    “fuckin in the butt” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIG6y0jErPg

    And my Grand Opus:

    “I’d wish you fuck the shit outta me (like you use to)”

    Reply
    • chill says

      October 10, 2012 at 9:07 pm

      I heard a real (non-comedy) blues song on the radio that went “You got to bone me like you own me.” That may or may not be the title; the singer sounded like her name ought to be Big Mama Somethingorother.
      .

      Reply
      • Lori in cbus says

        October 10, 2012 at 9:23 pm

        Big Barbara Carr:

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZWe2w03hU4

        Reply
    • t-storm says

      October 10, 2012 at 10:53 pm

      I’d wish you’d fuck the shit outa me like grandma used to do with a spoon.

      Reply
    • bikerchick says

      October 11, 2012 at 9:21 am

      Lori….thanks for the laugh!! Hilarious!

      Reply
  29. Lori in cbus says

    October 10, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    Lick it before you stick it

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LLWVqUZvT0&feature=related

    I think I’ll use this one as my theme song hahaha

    Reply
    • chill says

      October 10, 2012 at 9:35 pm

      Wow! If you were Lori In DC, I’d suspect you of listening to WPFW.

      And also: Daang, girl.
      .

      Reply
  30. girlgoyle says

    October 10, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    Texting in bathroom

    In my last employment situation I had a co-worker who would go to the men’s room and play Angry Birds for upwards of a 1/2 hour.

    Song titles
    If you leave me we’ll still be cousins
    Ode to a waffle house waitress
    Throw another possum on the fire

    Reply
  31. Uncle_Wedgie says

    October 10, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Like Drivin’ thru Cooter (Mo)
    Dog train for my baby
    Midget stripper Baby done left
    Skeeter & Ronnie run the hoe down

    Reply
  32. madz1962 says

    October 11, 2012 at 11:33 am

    I’m sorry to all the Country fans out there- I slipped more into “Redneck” mode. Maybe I should put a little Vince Gill on the radio and cry myself to sleep.

    Reply
    • Root 66 says

      October 11, 2012 at 2:17 pm

      You have nothing to apologize for…country music is TOTALLY mockable. Just think of the 5 worst things that’s ever happened to you, put it to music and voila–you’ve got yourself a country song!

      Reply
      • t-storm says

        October 11, 2012 at 2:24 pm

        Herpes hate crime fired tranny tranny

        Reply
      • madz1962 says

        October 11, 2012 at 4:00 pm

        So you mean

        “They Repossessed My Dead Cat On The Eve My Ass Tipped The Scales At 400 But My baby Daddy Likes Em Fat Cause I Remind Him Of His Momma And My Car Is Up On Blocks And I can’t Pay My K Mart Layaway Bill” is a real song?

        Thanks.

        Just checking…

        Reply
        • chill says

          October 11, 2012 at 7:35 pm

          K Mart? Isn’t that kinda hoity-toity? Just wondering…
          .

          Reply
  33. Miss Q says

    October 11, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    “His Fist In My Face (no mo’)”
    “Leave My Man Alone (Before I Kill You Dead)”
    “My Babies’ Daddies Have All Done Left”
    “Whatchoo Lookin’ At? (The Black-Eye Blues)”

    Reply
  34. CADude says

    October 11, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    “She Ran Off With My Car, But I Still Have My Blizzaks”

    “When You Squeal Like A Pig It Reminds Me of Home”

    “She Gives A Great Blow Job ‘Cause She Don’t Have No Teeth”

    “I Kept Your Sheepskin ‘Cause There’ll Never Be Another Ewe”

    Reply
  35. boogerP says

    October 12, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    If it ain’t broke don’t fix it,
    If it don’t go together don’t mix it.
    Take what you need,
    But not more than what you need.

    In this world of up hill climbin’
    You can shine jus like a diamon’
    Help out your neighbor
    You just plant the seed.

    Reply
  36. Skippy says

    October 14, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    Trailer Park Blues
    My Dog Got Runned (r)Over
    Pickin and Grinnin
    I Gots Busted by the Revenuers (Moonshiner Blues)
    That Pothole Made Me Fall Off the Turnip Truck
    Hey Y’all Watch This

    Reply

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