Last night a woman showed up at work and told us she’d been sick all day. “I threw up in the shower, on the kitchen floor, and in the car while driving over here,” she proclaimed.
And isn’t that excellent? Isn’t it exactly the kind of information most of us are looking for? Good God.
I was telling Toney about it this morning, and immediately started feeling queasy. I don’t know if it’s just the power of suggestion (hopefully), or if I somehow entered into the woman’s solar system of microscopic puke spores. I guess the next couple of hours will provide the answer, huh?
But my stomach is beating like a heart.
Anyway, I thought I’d take this year-end opportunity to tell you folks about a few of the behind-the-scenes happenings here at the West Virginia Surf Report. You know, in case you should give a tiny coal-black seahorse…
Yesterday I mentioned that I’m changing mailing list services. For the past few years I’ve used a fairly lame provider who (I suspect) sends many of my messages directly to spam folders ’round the world. Especially if the recipient uses Hotmail, for some reason. And it makes me go grrrr.
So I’ve decided to take the plunge, and invest in the gold-standard: Aweber. It costs more than ShitCo, my previous provider, but it’s going to open-up a world of possibilities. Like, for instance, every Surf Report update delivered straight to your inbox, if you’d like. They offer tons of great features like that, and — get this! — actually deliver email.
I’m excited. I’ve been toying with the idea of moving to Aweber for a while, and now it’s been done. Over the weekend I’m going to start the process of transferring all current subscribers to the new service, and you’ll have to re-confirm that you want to receive messages from me.
I apologize for the small inconvenience, but it’ll be worth it, I think. It will ensure uninterrupted access to the super-secret VIP updates, as well as some new things I’m turning over in my head.
As soon as I can get it done, there will be a sign-up form on the homepage for the new, improved mailing list. But the old one still works, if you’re so inclined. Become a WVSR VIP!
I also removed Common Words That Do Not Rhyme from the sidebar (what was I thinking?!), and replaced it with Surf Report Classic. There I’ll link to a different archive page every day. We’ve been doing this ridiculousness for a lot of years now, and even I’ve forgotten much of the stuff we’ve “covered.” I think it’ll be fun to dredge up the past, so check it out every afternoon.
WordPress, the platform on which the Surf Report is built, released a major update a few weeks ago. In the past I’ve just hit the UPDATE NOW button, and let ‘er rip. But I read an article somewhere that scared me about the new one.
In the piece they suggested a long list of complicated safeguards, to avoid a full shitting of the bed. Apparently some folks have lost their entire websites, which led to a series of grisly murder/suicides. I think I have that right…
Anyway, I read through the article and there was no way in hell I was going to do all the things suggested. I didn’t even know what they were talking about, most of the time. Test the upgrade in a virtual environment before taking it live. What the crap? What does that mean?
So, I just backed-up the site, took a big slug of Makers Mark, and hit the UPDATE NOW button as usual. And it worked perfectly.
Why so much hand-wringing? Why all the sphincter-flexing? I don’t know, but I would’ve been better off if I’d never even read that article. Ignorance is sometimes our best friend.
Now I just need to get used to the new control panel. It’s completely different, and I don’t care for such things… It both agitates and frightens me.
Except for the ones going to Australia and England, all the t-shirts should be delivered by now. I had troubles with PayPal, which delayed their shipment a few days. For a time all new orders defaulted to size SMALL, and I had a real mess on my hands.
But I finally got it straightened out, and pulled an all-nighter getting the orders ready. And the envelopes completely filled the trunk of my car. In fact, I had a hard time getting the lid down. I called the post office in advance, to warn them, and they told me to pull around to the back, to the dock doors.
I helped them transfer the packages from my car to a big rolling cart of some kind, and they wouldn’t fit in just one. I ended up leaving my PayPal debit card with them, so they could process the envelopes as they had time. It was all Christmasy and chaotic in there, and I didn’t want to cause big problems for them.
Yeah, and they were very accommodating. They even let me sign ten customs forms, for the foreign orders, and filled-out the details themselves. I think they appreciated my lack of pushiness, and bent over backwards to help.
So anyway, they went out a few days late, but many of you still received them by Christmas. That was the goal, of course, but never a guarantee. I’ve learned that far too much shit can happen, and usually does.
Unfortunately, one person got pretty irate that her shirt didn’t make it by Christmas Eve, and filed a grievance through PayPal. Insinuating, I guess, that I’m running some sort of mail fraud scheme out of here. I don’t know.
So I’ll forever have a black mark by my name, and be considered “questionable” at PayPal. Oh well, it’s something I’ve been living with all my life. Why should their opinion of me be any different?
By the way, I’m almost completely sold out of shirts. I do have a few left over, and will post the quantities to the order page, ASAP. All XLs are gone, though. A few of the other sizes remain, but not many. If you want one, better order today.
Starting next week (or is it the week after?) I’ll be taking a class in HTML basics at the University of Scranton. I know nothing about code, and all that mysterious stuff, and feel a need to learn. Afterward, if all goes well, I’ll sign up for the CSS class, as well. But we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it…
Wish me luck. I haven’t been in a classroom since Reagan was president. Should be interesting.
Finally, my parents now know about this site. I kept it quiet for about seven years, but a girl from my high school ran into them somewhere and said, “I read Jeff’s website all the time!”
My Mom, needless to say, peppered me with a series of questions about this. I said, “Website?! Man, that’s hilarious,” and changed the subject. Pretty slick, huh?
Of course, they’re probably at the public library reading this right now… So, say hi to my Mom and Dad! Sheesh.
And that’s it, I guess. That’s my annual state of the website address. What changes would you like to see to TheWVSR in 2009? What do you like, and what do you dislike? Do you have any suggestions to make it a better experience?
Tell me all about it in the comments, and we’ll get back to the regular stuff next time.
Have a great day, my friends.
FIRST?
oh yes
I’m good with it…thanks for asking. I am one of those that enjoyed the “common words that do not rhyme” feature, but whatever…
Woo-Hoo! Fresh update!
Woo Hoo…top ten..
Love my t-shirt…didn’t care when it was to come, just that it was coming!!!!
You rock Jeff…who cares what Paypal says!!!
TOP TEN- WOO HOO!!!!
I love the website!! i would like more visits with the relatives so if you can work on removing Tonies new backbone that would be great. Happy New Year (yeah right)
FIVE!
Damnit. six.
Jeff,
I don’t know how you do it, just keep doing it. I’m not fussy.
BTW, how many of the “suggestions” in the Further Evidence link did you follow in England?
That’s amazing you’ve been able to hide it from your parents for seven years. The main reason I don’t have a facebook page (besides the fact that I am not, nor have I ever been, a 16-year-old girl) is because I can’t stand the thought of having to be on-line “friends” with my parents. I’m certain they would crash the party as soon as they found out about it. Is their any chance that Nancy, Nostrils, Sunshine or the rest of the gang knows that thier craziness is broadcast throughout the www?
I don’t know how this site could be made better. I sometimes miss the eggplant, but having a picture that relates to the post is nice too. And I miss Charlie West.
I don’t think I went to the “common words that do not rhyme” link more than once, but I’ll check out the classics.
I suppose I’ll get drunk tonight.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters………
Is Charley West dead?
Elevenish?
Yeah, where is that snotty little bastard?
I haven’t received my shirt. Perhaps I should stop calling you a pussy? Or maybe I should just say it a lot LOUDER?????
Oh, sorry, I forgot your mom and dad. Jeff’s a really good guy folks. Much like Owen Wilson, he saw a golden retriever puppy with a gimpy leg once and thought about helping it. I found that to be compasionate. Good to have you folks with us…
Now Jeff, about my shirt–you big pussy.
Buck Out
Jeff-
I’m sorry that your parents discovered the adult version of the Playboys under the mattress. Speak well of them for next couple of weeks and they’ll lose interest and go back to LOL Cats. Please feel free to update us on the Circus of Kookery, though.
I got my shirt yesterday and it’s very nice .I would love to see a picture of nostrils but I guess that can’t be done.
I’m working at a new years eve party here with denise richards and run dmc(moan)
It wasn’t me.
Just happy to get the shirts– didn’t care when.
How about a weekly guest column from one of the many illustrious Surf Reporters with advent writing skills “wink wink”! Sure, we enjoy and occasional outburst from Metten and Buck with a smitheren of Trinamick and lakrfool but THIS would definitly plug the gap when the Bunker lays empty and cold, free from the high circusry of the Eninen bunch and infrequent burst of hypocondriactic energy from Sunshine. Maybe a weekly Charlie West cartoon for those who miss his anticdotal ramblings. Other than that, Jeff, youre doing a great damn job. I’m having trouble reading this and laughing my ass off again as I re-read Marley and Me.
Get Run DMC to pose with a smoking fish! I don’t recall who Denise Richards is at the moment, but get her to pose with one as well.
why do people go to work when they are sick?? why??
and frankly, i am surprised your extended family hasn’t found you out long before this…
You should add a weather section.
Do you think your parents would actually google you to find the website? My parents were lucky to know how to turn on their computer at all, much less search for anything.
Denise Richards – hot crazy bitch.
Hi, Mom!
Hi, Dad!
Jeff is a very talented writer.
Hey Jeff any chance we can get a heads up on what the email address you will use for the new secret updates? I’d like to add it the allow lists I don’t miss it…
The site updates have been great this year, but by all means, let us techies know if we can be of any help. Especially since I’m sitting on my can for a week on “vacation” at my parents house.
The only high note other than the gingerbread mobile home park in the mall is that Yeungling is coming to Georgia on January 1st and I’m sending several cases home with my sister if I find any before I leave.
Post up the name of the paypal griever! Do it for the good of all people who sell so they can put them on the blocked buyer list.
People who are too stupid to realize things take time to be delivered, especially during the holiday season need to get a reality check. [the sanitized version]
I teach the dreaded HTML and CSS (nowhere near your state, of course) and it isn’t so bad. With your career background it should be a snap.
Jason, I think I will get drunk tonight too. Call it the pre-celebration for New Year’s Eve. Why not?
Misselle,
I like to celebrate the new year by subjecting myself to a continuous and unbroken week of drunkenness. I’ve been doing it for years and it’s always worked out well. I think it contributes to my remarkable good luck.
From now until January 6, if I’m awake, I’m drinking. I might even give myself a vodka enema before I go to sleep just to keep the ball rolling – nah, that’s probably dangerous.
I miss Charlie West also. Please bring him back.
As a new fan I have to be humble in my requests! ( I have yet to recover from the thought of eating a hotdog smothered in slaw sitting in a bathtub at Hillbilly’s!!!)
But ad’s vs reality is what drew me here in the first place and we need more! It is your moral duty to not only eat the crap but also photograph it on behalf of your devoted fans!!!
By the way, did you know the witch trials in Salem Mass were started when someone complained to paypal that the West Virginia colony had not sent their “Puritans Rock” T shirts in time for Christmas?
I found Yuengling in McComb Mississippi (at Ruby Tuesday’s right off I-55) this week. Outstanding!!
Jeff, good luck with your upcoming modifications to the WVSR. Enjoy the HTML/CSS courses, you’ll be better off after taking them.
Until 2009…..
I can’t believe someone would complain about the T-shirts. Perhaps they should try selling mass quantities of different sized clothing to people across the country and world and see how “easy” it is? Jason. I am drinking my dinner as well woo hoo \~/ The Black Toof grin. My favorite drinkie.
I almost said NOOOO when you said you were learning HTML since CSS is cleaner/easier to maintain/current standard
You can do an entire site using just CSS. I learned HTML first and I really feel it blocked me from mastering CSS.
But, at the same time a person is hard pressed to find a site not utilizing both
so I pretty much just said nothing at all.
Everything I needed to know about HTML I learned
from Draac:
http://www.draac.com/html.html
Print this CSS cheat sheet out:
http://www.addedbytes.com/download/css-cheat-sheet-v2/pdf/
(This hangs in my cubicle at work to FORCE me to learn.)
I agree w/ ShinyRod:
You link to a slew of fellow WVSRers. Allow more guest columns. You have full editorial control whether or not they are good enough to post.
Parents finding out about the site=the new mailing list?
Coincidence? I submit that it is not.
Please do NOT self edit thinking about Mom and Dad reading the site. That could ruin you.
Hence the mailing list. I get it.
basic HTML is fairly simple. Its virtually pure logic = Bold = underline. Back in 1999 my then 11 year old taught himself html in <2 hours and build a simple but functional website.
CSS is also pretty comfortable because its just taking HTML and applying to a lot of stuff at once.
It when you get into the higher and fussier languages that everything goes to hell.
Anyway good luck
whoops I should have left spaces b = bold and u= underline inside damn
I second Shiny Rod’s suggestion. But I suppose that would open the door to some serious bat-shit crazy from Jason.
An archive of all the Further Evidence and WVSRcam links might be nice too (unless they’re already here somewhere and I’m just missing them).
@girlgoyle:
You have to appreciate the irony of your statement. I am not jabbing just appreciating.
@Jeff Kay:
I meant to say like the idea of serving up a random episode.
You have been consistently funny and observant for MANY years. VERY COOL IDEA
(There was a Common Words That Do Not Rhyme?)
Don’t let the folks get in your head man, just keep the shit valve wide open so we can keep on sucking it down.
I too came here after seeing the ads vs reality on some other site that linked it. Would love to see some of more of those…maybe something at Moe’s?
i also miss Charley West. Those were some classic one-liners.
Jeff,
Love the site and the t-shirt. I say do what you will with the site as long as those of us without PHD’s in computer literacy can still access it. Happy new year to all my new friends at the Surf Report.
I miss Charley West, too. I had forgotten about him!
I first heard about The WVSR on Bob and Tom–the Deadwood F-word count–after I read the first post I was hooked. I spent my Christmas break reading every blog from the very first one. Excellent stuff, my friend! I was even ready to adopt Jeff ’til he finally told us about Toney and the Secrets. Can’t wait to have it direct-deposited into my email account!! 🙂
I hate catfish so I won’t be ordering a shirt this time around. Sorry! My old one has a little chocolate stain on the boob where the fish tried to eat my birthday cake. At least that’s my story…..
Keep up the good work, Jeff, don’t let Mom and Dad change a thing!
@Boo Radley
Happy New Year!
BTW:
If anyone out there is going to be at home
during the New Year’s Celebration
I invite you to join me and other geeks on
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/mike-tech-show-tv
10p-2am EST
Bring your computer problems!
Live chat and great music.
@Gretchen – Jeff would have the final say on what gets posted so we won’t have to experinece any of Jason’s mangina episodes.
Shiny Rod & Gretchen,
I have toned it down so much recently. And maybe you don’t want to know about any of my bizarre delusions, but perhaps you won’t be so dismissive when you learn that whole teams of court-ordered psychiatrists find it absolutely fascinating.
Happy New Year! Woo-hoo!
I really like the idea of a link to random archived posts. It’s like getting two updates in a day. I’m pretty sure I’ve read through the archive, but I don;t care I’ll read it again. Hell, I watch reruns of syndicated shows that are still producing new episodes right?
And Sherly (not Cherly) and I I appreantly started reading on exactly the same day. Thanks Bob and Tom!
As for improvements. Michaelangelo didn’t ask a bunch of house painters (not even the really good house painters) about how to spice up the ceiling on the Sistine Chapel. You keep creating art and I’ll stick to painting houses. But thanks for asking.
Why so much hand-wringing? Why all the sphincter-flexing?
Jeff, You just described my entire 2009 work-out routine. I oughta be able to drop 7 or 28 pounds in just a few weeks.
–<>–
I think it is funny that some whiny bitch who complained to PayPal is now stuck with an awesome shirt she’ll have to feel guilty about wearing.
–<>–
CitizenX: Thanks for the informative links. Now, using the comments section, can you teach me how to use Pinnacle Ver.12 so I can make goofy movies?
–<>–
Happy New Year
So I take it that you’re not aware of the giant billboard sitting on the side of interstate 64, advertising “The Lions Den” on one side and “The West Virginia Surf Report, starring our baby boy Jeff Kay” on the other side?
HAPPY NEW YEAR JEFF!!!