Last night a woman showed up at work and told us she’d been sick all day. “I threw up in the shower, on the kitchen floor, and in the car while driving over here,” she proclaimed.
And isn’t that excellent? Isn’t it exactly the kind of information most of us are looking for? Good God.
I was telling Toney about it this morning, and immediately started feeling queasy. I don’t know if it’s just the power of suggestion (hopefully), or if I somehow entered into the woman’s solar system of microscopic puke spores. I guess the next couple of hours will provide the answer, huh?
But my stomach is beating like a heart.
Anyway, I thought I’d take this year-end opportunity to tell you folks about a few of the behind-the-scenes happenings here at the West Virginia Surf Report. You know, in case you should give a tiny coal-black seahorse…
Yesterday I mentioned that I’m changing mailing list services. For the past few years I’ve used a fairly lame provider who (I suspect) sends many of my messages directly to spam folders ’round the world. Especially if the recipient uses Hotmail, for some reason. And it makes me go grrrr.
So I’ve decided to take the plunge, and invest in the gold-standard: Aweber. It costs more than ShitCo, my previous provider, but it’s going to open-up a world of possibilities. Like, for instance, every Surf Report update delivered straight to your inbox, if you’d like. They offer tons of great features like that, and — get this! — actually deliver email.
I’m excited. I’ve been toying with the idea of moving to Aweber for a while, and now it’s been done. Over the weekend I’m going to start the process of transferring all current subscribers to the new service, and you’ll have to re-confirm that you want to receive messages from me.
I apologize for the small inconvenience, but it’ll be worth it, I think. It will ensure uninterrupted access to the super-secret VIP updates, as well as some new things I’m turning over in my head.
As soon as I can get it done, there will be a sign-up form on the homepage for the new, improved mailing list. But the old one still works, if you’re so inclined. Become a WVSR VIP!
I also removed Common Words That Do Not Rhyme from the sidebar (what was I thinking?!), and replaced it with Surf Report Classic. There I’ll link to a different archive page every day. We’ve been doing this ridiculousness for a lot of years now, and even I’ve forgotten much of the stuff we’ve “covered.” I think it’ll be fun to dredge up the past, so check it out every afternoon.
WordPress, the platform on which the Surf Report is built, released a major update a few weeks ago. In the past I’ve just hit the UPDATE NOW button, and let ‘er rip. But I read an article somewhere that scared me about the new one.
In the piece they suggested a long list of complicated safeguards, to avoid a full shitting of the bed. Apparently some folks have lost their entire websites, which led to a series of grisly murder/suicides. I think I have that right…
Anyway, I read through the article and there was no way in hell I was going to do all the things suggested. I didn’t even know what they were talking about, most of the time. Test the upgrade in a virtual environment before taking it live. What the crap? What does that mean?
So, I just backed-up the site, took a big slug of Makers Mark, and hit the UPDATE NOW button as usual. And it worked perfectly.
Why so much hand-wringing? Why all the sphincter-flexing? I don’t know, but I would’ve been better off if I’d never even read that article. Ignorance is sometimes our best friend.
Now I just need to get used to the new control panel. It’s completely different, and I don’t care for such things… It both agitates and frightens me.
Except for the ones going to Australia and England, all the t-shirts should be delivered by now. I had troubles with PayPal, which delayed their shipment a few days. For a time all new orders defaulted to size SMALL, and I had a real mess on my hands.
But I finally got it straightened out, and pulled an all-nighter getting the orders ready. And the envelopes completely filled the trunk of my car. In fact, I had a hard time getting the lid down. I called the post office in advance, to warn them, and they told me to pull around to the back, to the dock doors.
I helped them transfer the packages from my car to a big rolling cart of some kind, and they wouldn’t fit in just one. I ended up leaving my PayPal debit card with them, so they could process the envelopes as they had time. It was all Christmasy and chaotic in there, and I didn’t want to cause big problems for them.
Yeah, and they were very accommodating. They even let me sign ten customs forms, for the foreign orders, and filled-out the details themselves. I think they appreciated my lack of pushiness, and bent over backwards to help.
So anyway, they went out a few days late, but many of you still received them by Christmas. That was the goal, of course, but never a guarantee. I’ve learned that far too much shit can happen, and usually does.
Unfortunately, one person got pretty irate that her shirt didn’t make it by Christmas Eve, and filed a grievance through PayPal. Insinuating, I guess, that I’m running some sort of mail fraud scheme out of here. I don’t know.
So I’ll forever have a black mark by my name, and be considered “questionable” at PayPal. Oh well, it’s something I’ve been living with all my life. Why should their opinion of me be any different?
By the way, I’m almost completely sold out of shirts. I do have a few left over, and will post the quantities to the order page, ASAP. All XLs are gone, though. A few of the other sizes remain, but not many. If you want one, better order today.
Starting next week (or is it the week after?) I’ll be taking a class in HTML basics at the University of Scranton. I know nothing about code, and all that mysterious stuff, and feel a need to learn. Afterward, if all goes well, I’ll sign up for the CSS class, as well. But we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it…
Wish me luck. I haven’t been in a classroom since Reagan was president. Should be interesting.
Finally, my parents now know about this site. I kept it quiet for about seven years, but a girl from my high school ran into them somewhere and said, “I read Jeff’s website all the time!”
My Mom, needless to say, peppered me with a series of questions about this. I said, “Website?! Man, that’s hilarious,” and changed the subject. Pretty slick, huh?
Of course, they’re probably at the public library reading this right now… So, say hi to my Mom and Dad! Sheesh.
And that’s it, I guess. That’s my annual state of the website address. What changes would you like to see to TheWVSR in 2009? What do you like, and what do you dislike? Do you have any suggestions to make it a better experience?
Tell me all about it in the comments, and we’ll get back to the regular stuff next time.
Have a great day, my friends.
Shiny Rod says
@Jason – Don’t change a thing dude. I enjoy your rantings. It helps me stay on the crusty side of sanity. We all have experienced events in our lives that would have sent us over the edge of near Pardo proportions. At least I can speak for myself. Now stop this becasuse your making my sphincter flex with much hand wringing anticipation. Now go have yourself some fun this New Years.
“CitizenX: Thanks for the informative links. Now, using the comments section, can you teach me how to use Pinnacle Ver.12 so I can make goofy movies?”
Here is a 10 minute video tutorial covering the basics
(Ver 11, mind you, but still ….)
LOTS more here:
http://tinyurl.com/a3vvj2 (I LOVE this part)
Go get ’em, Tiger!
Bill in WV says
LOL Tammie !! Now, if we can just get Jeff to open a t-shirt/head shop next door to the Lion’s Den in Milton, we’re all set.
Gordion Knott says
Could you post pictures of Nancy and Nostrils and the transparents–with the faces and relevant parts blocked out–from time to time? It would be nice to associate pictures with the names. Even back-of-the-head (or body) shots would be fun.
I found the WVSR years and years ago and have been hooked ever since. I don’t post often, just enjoy sitting back and listening to you all.
Happy New Year Everyone.
D in Seattle says
“It both agitates and frightens me.”
Carefull Jeff, it sounds like you may be on the verge of a full-blown Sunshine attack.
I’ve almost clicked that “Add to Cart” button about 5 times now for a t-shirt, but my employment situation (or lack thereof) keeps getting in the way. I feel that I’m on the edge of a breakdown though, and today may well be the day.
I too found this site through an ads vs. reality link on another site.
Keep up the good work Jeff, and have a good new year!
Love the shirt and love the site. I also found out about you on Bob and Tom. Have a Happy New Year all and here’s hoping Nancy and the crew stops by soon.
i found the site by doing a search for funny poop stories… i’m not kidding.
Would you listen to us even if we DID have some kick-ass ideas for this site? I sure as shit wouldn’t if someone had ‘ideas’ about my home on the web…you’re far more accommodating than you need to be.
The person who is complaning about their shirt being late puzzles me, unless of course they’re not a FAN, and then they have no idea with whom they are f*cking and the vast legions of rabid lackeys you have in all of us who would totally go to bat for you and give her the ol’ stink-eye if we happened to live in her town. Why, I feel a full-on stink-eye bubbling up as I speak, and would love to have someone to cast it upon. Some people, I swear.
Happy New Year Jeff, and all the Surf Reporters! Is it too early to start drinking? I submit that it is not.
Is that corn nuts or her cooter?
Whoops, I meant to say is that corn nuts on her cooter? I like corn nuts.
Drinking has been permissible since 11:00 am yesterday and will remain acceptable until at least 11:00 am on Jan 7th.
A while back Jeff asked for another way of describing masturbation. I guess comments are closed on the subject, but I just saw one that I want to share. ” Hand-to-Gland Combat.”
Jason, will you tell that to my boss?
(the part about drinking being permissable, not the masturbation part)
Give me his tele number at once.
ms. barbara jane says
I’m looking forward to another year of WVSR, I’ve been reading for a couple of years now. You have brought me many laughs and for that, I thank you!
Jeff, shouldn’t Cay be spelled with a “C”? Just wonderin’.
Happy New Year Surfers!
Stink eye~~~~to paypal Chickie
@ Shiny Rod: Editing Jason’s stories. Huh, wouldn’t want that job. I suppose it would be entertaining Mad Libs for the rest of us though.
“I laid down in the vat of , the pleasant oozing all over my . My wet toes tingled as Papa Smurf with his big blue . My mind swiftly returned to that day with the 12 mini turkeys and the creamed corn. ‘Charley West you minx,’ I thought.”
Oh crap. I guess you can’t put the word “censored” in between symbols which resemble code. Dammit.
It’s supposed to read: I laid down in the vat of “censored”, etc.
Joke foiled, nevermind. :oP
It has been a wonderful year here at theWVSR.
Thank you jeff for making me,at times, pee my pants,
have Dt. Mt. Dew spew from my nose, wake up my family in other rooms from me laughing, and making me have to pick my jaw up from the ground.
As long as your here on the world wide web,
I will be reading you.
As for your site, keep it the way it is or change it,
as long as it is still you writting I will be reading.
Have a great new year and we’ll see ya on the
Shiny Rod says
I had the same thing happen to me when I sold a text book from my Psychology class. The woman swore that I sold her an outdated book and filed a complaint through Paypal and gave me a negative comment on eBay. After I sent her proof that the book was not outdated and that she failed to check the ISBN, she apologized but the damage was already done. What pissed me off the most is that she did this before even contacting me to say that she had concerns about the validity of the text book. She made a proverbial ASS-umption. The nerve of some people. i don’t have close to 400 sales on eBay and a 100% rating for nothing. I treat all my customers right and even go the extra mile and pay for Priority shipping if I am more than one day late get the package in the mail. I cast a double stink-eye on you missy. Damn, now I’m all frustrated again. Where is my bottle of Evan, Tiff, will you once again hold me whilest I drink the blues away?
@Shiny Rod – of course, as long as you don’t mind me drinking right along with you. It’s getting late, and i’m not even STARTED yet.
Happy New Year Surf Reporters!!!!!
I’m here at work until 6:00, but the beer distributor doesn’t close until 9:00.
Isn’t that simply excellent?
I propose that it is…
Happy New Year one and all, glad to see the end of ’08 anyhow.
I haven’t got my shirt yet…
but I didn’t rat you out to Pay Pal, I don’t remember anything about guaranteed delivery.
Maybe I’ll swing by the post office on my way to the local beer supplier.
Wish me luck, and looking forward to following your ongoing saga, whatever the format.
Hi to your folks too.
Hi Jeff’s parents!
I remember when my parents found and read my website. Interesting time… I was probably a little too loose with the profanity… made my mom cry. My solution? I logged onto their router and blocked my website from their laptops. Voila! No more crying mother.
The website has since been removed once I began the vetting process at a hedge fund earlier this year. I can probably start blogging again, I guess.
Ah, ha, ha! I just downloaded 59 Sound. Sorry I did, too. What was I thinking? Put me in mind of Bruce Sprucesteen.
why on God’s green Earth were you doing a web search for funny poop stories?? Mr. Hanky needs to know:)
CitizenX Said: Here is a 10 minute video tutorial covering the basics
Shiny Rod says
Tiff – I have a rule that I never drink single malt scotch alone and always with a close friend.
See yall next year! Best wishes to everyone!
Happy New Year !!!!
My best wishes to all!…<3
Last and first?
Bill in PA says
Happy New Year Mr. Jeff and fellow Surf Reporters.
May everyone have a blessed healthy and happy new year!
No thanks, I didn’t sneeze.
You think you can hold it in all year then, Juancho? ;oP
Good Morning and Happy 2009 Surf Reporters……
here’s a lil’ sumptin’
Happy New Year surf reporters! Keep up the good work Jeff.
Hello Mom and Dad
Happy New Year everyone!!
Jeff, thanks for the good…everything!
Happy New Year folks! And thanks for all the kind words.
I hate to start 2009 with immediate insensitivity (ahem). But how much you want to bet Dick Clark’s wife said the following at 12:01 last night?
“Could somebody please hand me a towel? Shit!”
Shiny Rod says
Jeff – or maybe it should be not the tongue Dick!!!
Bring back Danny Maverick!!!! BWAH HA HA!
Shirt came in with nary a problem, BTW, and I’m withdrawing my Paypal complaint. 🙂
(Seriously? Chick with the complaint? WTF?????)
Keep up the good work, Jeff!