Today is Toney’s birthday, tomorrow is the younger boy’s birthday, and later in the month… I turn 50. Good god! It gives me the heebie jeebies, just typing it out like that. How is such a thing possible? I feel exactly the way I did when I was 30. I look like hell, but don’t feel any different. It’s a hard thing to comprehend.
One thing’s for sure, though: I don’t like it. I know it’s just a number, and all those clichés, but it’s a pretty goddamn high number. And I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t bother me. Oh, I’m not obsessed with it. But I have this panicked feeling, like I’m running out of time. So many days and months and years… thrown away on bullshit. Regrets? I have a few.
Oh well. At least I have a false sense of security, as it pertains to my health. I feel good, which is what everybody says right before they keel over. Right? Dammit!
Here’s a text message conversation I just had with the younger Secret – who will be 14 tomorrow.
Me: What are you doing?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Everything OK?
Him: Yeah.
Me: How’s McStench? (this is what I sometimes call our dog, Andy)
Him: He’s fine.
Me: He was yelling racial slurs earlier.
Him: At the mailman?
Me: At the guys taking down the neighbors’ awnings across the street.
Him: Oh.
Me: Turns out, Andy is a pretty big racist.
Him: I didn’t know that.
Me: Practically a Klansman.
Him: That’s too bad.
Me: He’s on the wrong side of history.
Him: There’s probably nothing we can do about it at this point.
How could that boy be 14 already, and playing straight man to my idiocy? He was just born, like, six years ago. Is there some kind of wrinkle in time going on?? We have video from the day he was born, and I had a big ol’ Amish beard of some sort. I looked like a blue-ribbon asshole. Every time I see it, I scream, “Why didn’t somebody tell me? Why didn’t somebody step in?!”
Anyway, I’m getting way off track here… I think I was mildly depressed when I turned 40, too. I mean, I’m a dumbass that’s somehow made it deep into responsible adult territory. Every day I’m out in the real world, I’m faking it; I’m a complete fraud. And when they have block parties here, and I’m forced to mingle with all the other neighborhood dads… I’m totally out of my element. They all wear khakis and polo shirts, and talk about golf and mutual funds. I’m nothing like them.
Do you ever have that feeling, like you’re just playing the part of an adult? I’ve gotten reasonably good at it, and sometimes I mistake my acting ability as actual maturity. Ha! And I’ll be 50 years old in three weeks. Will somebody please hold me?
I’m going to start drinking now. If you have anything to say about this aging crap, please use the comments link below. And I’ll be back on Monday.
Oh, and by the way… Andy barks at everybody. I was just doing “material.” That hound isn’t selective in who he hollers at; it’s one of his favorite hobbies.
Have a great weekend, my friends!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!
I turned 50 in May. The turning point is a major “Aw fukkit” attitude. I don’t hold back anymore.
This may make you feel better. We’re as old as the Rolling Stones career.
Wow. Here I was feeling bad about turning 48 last month. Alot of you guys make me feel so young!! I think I’ll go for a walk..
Yes, I’ve felt like an adult fraud for some time, too. To this day, I have to bite my tongue to keep from making some junior high type sexual innuendo joke at the most inopportune moments, like in meeting or with barely acquainted people. I hate having to constantly remind myself that, ‘I’m supposed to be an adult’.
The Beavis is strong in this one.
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Funny you would mention Andy and racial slurs. My dog Harriette barks like a sailor. Every other bark is a fuck you or fuck that or fuck them. I swear she’s part wharf hound. Either that or she gets it from the goddamn cat. I don’t trust either one of them anymore.
Jeff,
Have you received your AARP sample membership card and enrollment paperwork? WTH?!
Turned 50 a little over two weeks ago. Feels the same, so far. I have an 8 year old to keep me somewhat active. Hell, I’ll be 60 when he’s 18.
I’ve always done the responsible ‘adult’ thing. So, I don’t know to behave otherwise.
I still think I’m too young to be a grandpa, but at 46 I feel way past mid-life (92 seems rather altruistic!)
I saw a reverse mortgage commercial the other day with “The Fonz” as their spokesman. It was all I could do to keep me from throwing myself in front of a bus!! But the worst part was that I paid attention to the commercial. 🙁
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go browse the coffin selections on Wal*Mart’s website…
I feel like I might catch some hell for this, but I definitely just affirmed that I’m the youngest of the Surf Report readers. 23 years old/young, whatever you prefer.
Would it make you feel better if I said I just got prescribed blood pressure meds on Saturday? Christ… I’m off to a bad start.
Or you could view it as being 25 years ahead of the game.
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First off Happy Birthday! (when it gets here)
My dogs are racist. Not taught tobe that way my only thought is the street we live on has become much more diverse, shall I say. It seems to me they mess more with the dogs, taunting them, rattling the fence & so on….. were moving next month cant take it…. crime rate has tripled since they put in the low income housing down the road. my car was stolen right out of my driveway and just stripped and trashed.
The guy in the Further Evidence link casually mentions that he has invented “car warsh brushes”. Just thought I’d point that out.
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