• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

The West Virginia Surf Report!

Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

  • Home
  • About
  • Best of
  • Books
  • Archives
  • Donate

Some Miscellaneous Bitching, and What Would You Like on Your Permanent Record?

July 31, 2013 By Jeff 64 Comments

vinylYou know what’s irritating? When people tell me long-winded stories filled with characters I don’t know. They refer to them by their first names, and it’s usually family members or personal friends I would have no way of knowing. I always want to interrupt and say, “Hang on. Who the fuck is Larry?”

I also don’t like it when people start to complain about something, stop and say, “I know. I know. First world problem.” Just spit it out, dick. I don’t have time for your trendy apologies.

And I was in Subway a few days ago, sitting in a booth eating my seven dollar lettuce sandwich from a filthy basket, when a 19 year old girl approached the counter.

“What can I get you?” the sandwich artist asked.

“Uuuuuuuum, I think I’ll have turkey,” the girl said.

“Foot long or six inch?”

“Uuuuuuuum, six inch, I guess.”

“Would you like lettuce?”

“Uuuuuuuum, sure.”

On and on it went… with a hyper-extended “Uuuuuuuum” preceding every samlich component. It was making me crazy, and I began to analyze why people do such things.

Obviously, they’re buying time, without creating dead air. It’s a placeholder, and “Uuuuuuuum” is a universally accepted method. I’m thinking about replacing it, though, with a blood curdling scream. I want to see if I can get it to take hold in society.

“What kind of cheese would you like?”

“Noooooo! Please god, no!! Provolone.”

Stay tuned for progress reports.

Finally: I don’t like people who drive on the interstate with their windows down. It has no bearing on my life whatsoever, yet still pisses me off. I know in some cases their air conditioners are busted, but I think it’s usually something else. I believe there are a percentage of people who like to say they hate A/C for some pain-in-the-ass reason. And it’s become one of their “things.” Am I wrong?

Yeah, and now that I have all that off my chest, I’d like for you to take a look at this article, about a company that will take your cremated remains and turn them into a vinyl LP. How cool is that?

You can even have a song added to each side, and I’d like to turn that into our Question o’ the Day. What songs would you like to appear on your permanent record? Ha! That’s pretty good, permanent record. Anyway, what songs would you request? Please tell us about it in the comments section.

And before I call it a day… The black shirt situation hasn’t been fully resolved, so I’m still taking orders for ’em. If you’d like one, the link is in this update. I’ll almost certainly remove it on Thursday, so order away!

I’ll be back tomorrow with more of this nonsense.

See ya then, my friends.

Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on Pinterest

Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Uncle_Wedgie says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Is this thing turned on?

    Reply
  2. T-STORM says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Spit or swallow?
    Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu……AH! MY EYE!

    Reply
  3. maineseadog says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    I would request to be made into Jefferson Starship’s “Blows Against the Empire”.

    Reply
    • DaveF says

      August 1, 2013 at 6:14 pm

      “Sherman, set the way back machine.”
      Blows Against the Empire was a truly great album.

      Reply
  4. TR says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Highway to hell AC/DC

    Reply
  5. The Qweezy Mark says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Snowbird by Anne Murray.

    Reply
    • Joe T. says

      July 31, 2013 at 2:33 pm

      Known fact…Anne Murray gets diarrhea before concerts.

      Reply
      • The Qweezy Mark says

        July 31, 2013 at 3:02 pm

        I just read the lyrics. I didn’t realize that it is a song of heartbreak. F that! I just thought it was about a dipshit bird playing in the snow.

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          August 1, 2013 at 12:10 am

          Thus the diarrhea.

          Reply
          • Billy Joel says

            August 2, 2013 at 10:32 am

            great name for a band….

            Reply
  6. Dogberryjr says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    So what about folks who start every sentence with the word “so”?

    Reply
  7. Average Jane says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    I drive on the highway with my windows down if it’s not too hot out because my car is so underpowered with the a/c on that it’s almost undriveable.

    Reply
    • Average Jane says

      July 31, 2013 at 5:47 pm

      Oh yeah, and for the album sides:

      a) Highway to Hell – AC/DC
      b) Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin

      Keep ’em guessing.

      Reply
  8. Bill in WV says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Side A: Nazareth’s “Hair of the Dog”
    Side B: Judy Collins “Amazing Grace”

    Side B is there to negate Side A.

    Reply
  9. angie says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Telling a story and spending 5 minutes trying to decided if it was last Wednesday or Thursday, then the spouse gets into it, “remember, it was Tuesday, the day the cat puked”.
    OMG, I don’t care, get on with it!!!!!

    Reply
    • Skippy in WV says

      August 1, 2013 at 1:00 am

      Or YOU’RE in the middle of a story to a 3rd party and the wife or someone else takes over the story 4 words into it and tells the story COMPLETELY opposite of what really happened. Grrrr!

      Reply
  10. Gary says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    I try to make a point of not doing the “uuuhhhhhh, mmmmmmmm….” thing to buy time, I try to have my shit together before I open my mouth.

    Sometimes I end up dealing with some dullard that NEEDS the extra time to process, and acts like I’m going a thousand miles an hour.

    Reply
  11. Uncle_Wedgie says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Should I choose songs that I love or songs to annoy? I’m thinking annoy:

    Side A: “A small eternity with Yoko Ono” – Frank Zappa

    Side B: “I’m casting my lasso towards the sky – Slim Whitman

    Reply
  12. Phil Jett says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    How can you go into Subway and not know what you want? Don’t most people get in a groove at places like that and have a usual.

    Example: foot long cold cut combo on parmesan oregano, provolone cheese with everything except black olives and cucumbers. Light layer of mayo only. Simple, no dramatic pauses required.

    Side one: Genesis Supper’s Ready (Takes up the whole side of the original album and I want my money’s worth.)

    Side two: Todd Rundgren Rock and Roll Pussy

    Reply
    • Jimbo says

      July 31, 2013 at 4:04 pm

      “Light mayo” never works at any sandwich shop. No matter what, they slather that stuff onto the bread like they’re icing a cake.

      Reply
  13. Tammie says

    July 31, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    I think it’s a great idea to make your cremated remains into an album. Why the hell didn’t I think of that?

    Side A: Led Zeppelin’s’ Immigrant Song’
    Side B: Led Zeppelin’s’ The Rain Song ‘

    Both seem acceptable to represent my life.

    Reply
  14. Henderson says

    July 31, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    I’d have Sam Kinison screaming. Both sides.

    As for the AC thing, I leave the car windows down until about 110 (degrees, not MPH). It’s called acclimating. Everyone else shuts down and bitches at about 104. It’s like Mother Nature taking days away from them. I’ve worked to acclimate myself, so I get dozens more “nice” days a year than my formerly-Californian neighbors.

    Reply
  15. madz1962 says

    July 31, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    Side A: Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams”
    Side B: Bob Dylan “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door”

    Sounds like the Subway chick smoked a big ass bong before enetering the store.

    I also hate when people start telling me a story and expect me to know their cast of characters. Unless they said something remarkable like “That would be my Uncle Finster – the one who blows the poodle”, just get on with it.

    Also, I work with a girl who speaks so slowly, I know one day I’m going to have an aneurism. And she starts everything like this… “Question (long pause) for (longer pause) you… (watching arm hair grow) If… I… can use (tripped me up with that speed) the (yawn) conference room” and by this time I’m wondering if a mallot or an anvil would make a bigger dent on her goddamn empty head.

    Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      July 31, 2013 at 4:31 pm

      There’s an Uncle Finster out there somewhere, I guarantee it.

      Reply
      • Root 66 says

        August 1, 2013 at 9:21 am

        There was a “Baby-Face Finster” in a Bugs Bunny cartoon!

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          August 2, 2013 at 9:16 am

          Did he blow Bugs?

          Reply
        • Garrett says

          August 2, 2013 at 12:48 pm

          Finster is German for window.

          Reply
  16. Jimbo says

    July 31, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    Business idea — a business that turns your ashes into a record player.

    On my cremated vinyl:

    Side A: Israel Kamakawiwo?ole’s “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”
    Side B: Green Day’s “Good Riddance”

    Alternative B-side — Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up”

    Reply
    • Jimbo says

      July 31, 2013 at 4:35 pm

      That’s what I get for doing a copy-n-paste on Iz’s last name.

      Reply
  17. Rick says

    July 31, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    I like driving with the window down… I think I was a dog in a former life. 🙂

    Reply
  18. Alex says

    July 31, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    I’m liking the Sam Kinison idea.
    Side B, Fuck Ya by McLean & McLean (the upbeat version).

    Reply
  19. Buck Naked says

    July 31, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Side A: Drop Kick Me, Jesus
    Side B: Big Lizard In My Back Yard

    Reply
  20. tiff says

    July 31, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    Side A – O Superman, Laurie Anderson
    Side B – Beethoven’s 7th Symphony, or the 1812 Overture. Both because of damn fine horn parts. Or Buckaroo Holiday! Or Rocky Point Holiday! Or English Folk Song Suite! Something with lots of horn is what I’m saying.

    Let that be my legacy.

    Reply
    • Root 66 says

      August 1, 2013 at 4:43 pm

      Another great classical piece with a good horn part: “The Great Gate of Kiev” by Mussorgsky. That’s some mighty fine tootin’, right there!

      Reply
      • tiff says

        August 1, 2013 at 6:34 pm

        Played that in a drum and bugle corps years ago. Kicked some major ass. Could part the hair on a mezzanine-sittin’ spectator’s neck. Good times.

        Reply
        • Root 66 says

          August 2, 2013 at 9:35 am

          I played it in high school marching band many, many years ago–probably when Mussorgsky was still alive. The tune always brought everyone in the stands to their feet! It’s still one of my favorites.

          Reply
  21. Limey says

    July 31, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    On days like these I drive roof down and A/C full blast. Apparently I should be hung from a gantry over the Interstate 🙁

    Reply
  22. Airandee says

    July 31, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Let’s see uuuuum on side one I might have uuuuuum maybe the best song ever that I first heard uuuuum in high school. Uuuuuumm high school was so fun and uuuuuumm this song was the bomb.

    For the flip side I uuuuuumm would say the second best song is the one uuuuuum with the best melody’s ever written and I lost my virginity to while listening in uuuuum the back seat of my dads wood panel station wagon. Uuumm the car had some real memories; the car literally was the best car ever.

    Reply
  23. Stuart says

    July 31, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    All I need is the air that I breathe

    Reply
  24. johnthebasket says

    August 1, 2013 at 12:20 am

    It’s a little interesting that some reporters fit an album side on each side of their record while others fit only a song: LP vs 45. I assume it has something to do with the mass of the individual reporter. Being of size, I think I could, in effect, create a mixtape. I’ll give the selections some thought and get back with you.

    My window is open because I’m smoking.

    jtb

    Reply
  25. Skippy in WV says

    August 1, 2013 at 12:55 am

    I drive with the windows down for multiple reasons; 1. I HATE air-conditioning in a car. 2. A/C kills gas mileage. 3. Like JTB, I’m smoking. 4. It pisses off the wifey. He he.

    Songs
    A Side- Freebird (Yes, I know, it’s obvoius.)
    B-Side- Shine on You Crazy Diamond Parts I-IX
    Alternates
    A-Side- The Diceman Cometh
    B-Side- Eddie Murphy Raw

    Reply
  26. chill says

    August 1, 2013 at 3:07 am

    “Greetings to Idris” by Pharoah Sanders.

    I don’t much care what others do vis-a-vis the car windows and the air conditioning. However, be advised that having the car windows open increases the vehicle’s aerodynamic drag. The penalty is proportional to the square of your speed. So whatever the drag is at 20 mph, it’s four times that at 40 mph (double the speed) and eight times at 60 mph (triple the speed). Having the air conditioning on is a simple constant power drain, whatever it takes to run the compressor. So at low speeds you’re better off, fuel-economy-wise, with the windows open; at high speeds you’re better off closing the windows and running the AC. The speed at which this transition occurs will vary by vehicle.
    .

    Reply
    • T-STORM says

      August 1, 2013 at 7:02 am

      I agree with you except your math is off.
      20 to 40 is four times. 20 to 60 would be 9 times. 20 to 56.57 would be 8 times.

      Reply
      • chill says

        August 1, 2013 at 11:26 am

        Of course. Hey, I got straight Ds in undergraduate math.
        .

        Reply
  27. johnthebasket says

    August 1, 2013 at 4:38 am

    In the article about the “remains vinyl”, the company says they can produce about 12 minutes of audio per side. I figure that since I’m somewhat larger than average, I might squeeze in 13.

    Side 1

    San Diego Serenade…Tom Waits………………………….3:30
    Mr. Tambourine Man…Bob Dylan…………………………..5:26
    Into My Arms……………Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds….4:13

    Side 2

    Some Jingle Jangle Morning…Mary Lou Lord………….3:44
    Birdhouse in Your Soul………They Might Be Giants….3:19
    I’m Your Man…………………….Leonard Cohen………….4:27

    .
    jtb

    Reply
    • Root 66 says

      August 1, 2013 at 8:58 am

      Sheesh…you’d think since it’s for all eternity, they could at least make it a LONG play album!

      Reply
  28. Root 66 says

    August 1, 2013 at 9:17 am

    After considerable debate and deep soul-searching, I have decided on at least a couple of songs to be made from my remains:
    Side A: Short People (got no reason to live)–Randy Newman
    Side B: Take This Job and Shove It–Johnny Paycheck

    On a more sentimental level, runners-up might include:
    I’ll Be Seeing You–Frank Sinatra;
    Twilight Time–The Platters;
    What a Wonderful World–Louis Armstrong;
    So Long, Farewell–The von Trapp Family; and
    Bury Me Out in the Lone Prairie–Roy Rogers.

    A/C and cars? I won’t even put it in gear without the cold air cranked up! Mama said I was built for air conditioning!

    Reply
  29. Clueless says

    August 1, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Someone would pay $4500 to turn my cremains into an LP? Perhaps if only I didn’t slather my sandwiches mayonnaise or drive with my windows down…

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      August 1, 2013 at 6:38 pm

      Oh, that’s OK. They have a process for removing the mayonnaise before they torch you. It involves subjecting your body to freeway-speed winds.

      Reply
      • chill says

        August 1, 2013 at 8:28 pm

        What is “freeway”? And is it possible to have that and “EZ-Pass” in one’s vocabulary at the same time?
        .

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          August 1, 2013 at 8:48 pm

          Freeway speeds:

          Montana: 125 MPH
          California: 5 MPH

          jtb

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            August 1, 2013 at 8:49 pm

            The EZ-Pass is burned by the flame, but it is not consumed.

            jtb

            Reply
            • chill says

              August 1, 2013 at 8:55 pm

              Good hebbins.
              .

              Reply
          • clintcurtis says

            August 2, 2013 at 12:51 am

            Heh…I got pulled over in Montana at 104 mph (highest speed the rental unit would go. The Trooper suggested I keep it down to 85, AND told me where his buddy had set a speed trap 50 miles wesr. Cool people, Montanans, A could years ago the was a bill in the legistature to make it legal to drink beer and drive on the lonliest stretches of highways. And THAT is totally serious!

            Reply
  30. Clueless says

    August 1, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    with* See, another reason right there.

    Reply
  31. Max says

    August 1, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Sticking with the one song per side I’d have to go with:

    Side A: No Leaf Clover – Metallica (S&M album)

    Side B: Stranglehold – Uncle Ted

    Oh hell yes.

    Reply
  32. theo says

    August 1, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Side A: Wish you were here – Pink Floyd
    Side B: Sunshine lollipops and rainbows – Lesley Gore

    Reply
  33. Billy Joel says

    August 1, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Side 1:
    Cap’n Beefheart
    Making Love to a Vampire with a Monkey on my Knee
    (“God, please fuck my mind for good”)

    Side 2:
    ? and the Mysterians
    96 Tears
    (“Too many teardrops for one heart to carry on”)

    Reply
  34. CADude says

    August 1, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Side 1: Hotel California – Eagles (Live/Acoustic version)
    Side 2: Back In The Saddle Again – Gene Autry

    Reply
  35. JCIII says

    August 1, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…

    I saw that Carl Rappaport in the news today.

    Reply
  36. clintcurtis says

    August 2, 2013 at 12:39 am

    I,m thing the 99% of us would have our cremains pressed into “Highway to Hell.” Me…Ive given my wife specific instrutions. Send me into the furnace with a bag of Stay Pufft Marshmallows clutched between my folded arms.

    Reply
  37. clintcurtis says

    August 2, 2013 at 12:44 am

    Man, I shoulda completd college typing! Not because of my typos, but I was the only male in the class!

    Reply
  38. dto says

    August 2, 2013 at 4:37 am

    Anything by Mama Cass or Kate Smith….”Cue the fat lady.”

    Reply
  39. The4thStooge says

    August 2, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Late to the party, as usual. My choice (since we’re limited to 25 or so minutes)…Side two of “Begin Here” and side one of “Odessey and Oracle” by the Zombies. Strange that these aren’t LPs.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Now With Podcast!

Support Jeff And His Projects

Latest Tweets

  • Fresh podcast action, available everywhere! From Milton to Madagascar. pic.twitter.com/V6M1cmQcSA

    November 3, 2022 5:46 am

  • Something new I'm trying: nonewjeffs.substack.com/p/im-n…

    December 2, 2021 4:11 pm

  • Only 182 days until Opening Day.

    September 30, 2021 2:37 pm

  • Check out this great story about a 16 year old Tom Bergeron talking to Moe and Larry on the phone during the early… twitter.com/i/web/status/14387…

    September 17, 2021 5:02 am

  • Dogs! surfreportpod.com/2021/09/16/e…

    September 16, 2021 4:07 pm

Facebook!

Footer

Get Social!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Search The Surf Report

Copyright © 2023 · Smoking Fish Media