I have some good news, and some bad news. Well, that might be a little overly dramatic… The good news isn’t exactly a definite, especially considering the people involved, and the bad news isn’t all that bad. I mean, seriously.
The bad: Starting on Friday I’m turning my life over to my “book.” Not the Good Book, but the “book” I’m writing. I want to have it finished by November 1, and believe it can be done. But that means the days of surprise Friday updates are over for awhile and, in fact, I might have to skip a few Thursdays here and there.
I’m also temporarily cutting back on my Mockable duties. Metten and guest columnists will take up the slack, and if you’d like to chip in with an update or two, we’d love to have you. Send your submissions to mockable[at]gmail dotcom.
Other than that, nothing much should change around here. See… not such a big deal.
I do have two more yurt sessions scheduled, one in September and another in October, so those weeks will probably be extra-jacked. But we’ll burn that bridge clean down when we get to it.
And yes that’s correct, a yurt. I know they’re kinda, well, mockable. But I’m telling you… I was a freaking word processor the last time I went into one of those hippie huts. And I also think it resulted in the funniest stuff I’ve written for the book so far. So I’m doing it again, and again.
What I guess I’m saying is, the updates will probably be a bit more sporadic than normal. I’m going to try to keep it to a minimum, but the book project is going to be a priority for the next couple of months. I have to get it done, once and for all.
So, please don’t think I’m losing interest in the Surf Report. ‘Cause that ain’t gonna happen. Unless, of course, I have a massive stroke, or get hit by a salad truck, or something. That could complicate matters…
The good news: Intelligence sources report an increase in chatter about a possible Christmas invasion, here at the Surf Report compound. And I’m talking about Nancy, Banana Nostrils, the translucents, hammerhead, and (possibly) Sunshine & Mumbles.
Yep, the whole gang. Ho, ho, ho.
Toney asked me what I thought about it, and I remembered how I struggled with last week’s updates. And I said, “Tell ‘em OK! We’d love to have them!!”
See? Who’s losing interest in the cause? Certainly not me. Shit, I should be given a Purple Heart for my sacrifice.
I’ll keep you posted. Nancy and the gang will very likely be here, but S&M are always a wildcard. We probably won’t know what they’re doing until the day they leave Nevada. Even then, things could change. Sunny might have some kind of “antibiotics” episode in Nebraska or Iowa, and receive a lifelong Amtrak ban.
And speaking of Nancy… they’re apparently having a tough time adjusting to Norf (or is it Souf?) Carolina. The timing was off, and they weren’t able to enroll their kids in the “alternative” school they attended before. And that means they’re in regular public schools for the first time ever…
The oldest see-through is now in fifth grade, so he’s sat around on couches from K thru 4, never received a real grade, and interacted with other pasty-ass hippie children exclusively. And I guess those l’il Southerners can smell blood in the water… Heh.
He’s reportedly mocked daily because of his long Robin Zander hair, his freaky clothes, his strange name, and his general weirdness.
A group of large black girls “who are already developing” give him a daily ration of shit, I hear. They comment on the stuff mentioned above, and also his constant nose-picking, snorting, and lip-smacking.
No word on his penchant for public wiener-flicking, but I’ll let you know if there’s any news on the subject.
He’s also used to an environment where everything is shared, and private property is a dirty word. So, if he wants to use one of the girls’ pencils, or whatever, he just picks it up. And they holler, “Oooooh! Don’t touch my stuff, booger boy!! You’re going to give me swine flu.”
Nancy is beside herself, but she created this situation. She insisted on turning her kids into human oddities, and there are consequences to such a thing. She made them play with dolls, wear “skirts,” and gave them names that cause people to laugh out loud. Heck, the oldest boy supposedly wore a pink t-shirt covered in drawings of “endangered species” on his first day of school.
So, I feel a little sorry for the kid, but not Eninen. You reap what you sow, right?
And I find it interesting how Nancy repeatedly mentions the race of the girls. What does that have to do with anything? Super-liberal Nancy shouldn’t even notice it. If I were to do something like that, she’d say, “Well, he’s from West Virginia, you know. He’s probably a klansman.”
Nancy also has a big hang-up about the girls having breasts in fifth grade, this clearly bothers her a great deal.
Hey, who the hell knows? Nothing can be gained by trying to figure it out… But I guess the translucents are not having a very good time of it, at the hands of their less enlightened classmates. How utterly shocking.
In fact, Nancy herself has received a bit of open mockery. For reasons unknown, she walks around town with ski poles. She tries to walk everywhere, because of the environment you know, and uses ski poles. Is that not hilarious? I submit that it is.
So, she’s walking to work in dress clothes, a giant backpack filled with soy or whatever, and two poles. Apparently people have yelled sarcastic remarks at her from passing cars, and at least one person asked if she’s handicapped.
She couldn’t wait to get out of Canada, and back to North (South?) Carolina, but now the pendulum has already started swinging back the other way. She (as well as Sunshine) are never happy with their current situation: never! Before year’s end, Nancy will be circulating her resume again, looking to move somewhere else. Mark my words.
And Nostrils just keeps going along with it… I guess that’s what happens when you suffer from ESS (Empty Sac Syndrome), right?
I don’t really have a Question for you today. Maybe you can report one piece of good news and one piece of bad news from your life? Use the comments section to bring us up to date. Or you can just discuss Nancy and her poles, I don’t know…
I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Good news: Going on vacation the 17th – 24th
Bad news: “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” will have a sneak preview in Austin while I’m away…
Put me down on the list for I need hints about the names. I would also like to know. Misspelled and/or mispronounced name? I once had an girl whos name was spelled exactly as follows OnAsTEE. That is right. Honesty. She was a dirty little liar.
With NandN I would guess really shitty hippy names like Andronicus, or Spirtfire. Just give us the genre of names…please!
Alice in WV says
Good vibes going out to you, Knucklehead. ~~~
I think any encouragement to school kids is cool with me. I’ll see if anything happened when I talk to my lil’un when I get home tonight.
HOPE is everlasting and CHANGE ain’t easy but is definitely worth it!
Jeff, good luck in your yurt. I admire your fortitude. It’ll all be worth it and we’ll all say ‘we knew him when…’
Greg in Cincinatii says
You started so tame, but damn it got ugly. Those children have been the source of your best material, but I smell the hatred. Ouch.
I’ll miss your more frequent updates, but I’ll buy your book. Cheers, MemSahib.
Our Reds Fell, and will probably fall again. It sucks to suck.
Shiny Rod says
Jason – Come on man, if AWG dropped 22 in 12 days and I dropped 45 in two months, you can do it man. Put the chicken foot down, munch on some rabbit food and get out there and work it off.
I thought we all kinda agreed not to get political on this here “blog”?
My sister dropped 30 in 40 with that HCG nonsense.
I’ll start dieting tomorrow then. I just got word that we’re ordering Chinese tonight. I always feel like I get the wrong thing. I get overwhelmed and end up ordering sweet and sour pork or something. Any suggestions?
Will someone please fill me in on these loons in Jeff’s life? I’ve been coming here for a long time but apparently not long enough. I must know who these people are and how they came to get names like hammerhead and mumbles.
Good news: I made it through the intense caffeine-deprived headache that came with giving up Mountain Dew and Diet Pepsi. Yes, you guys inspired me….don’t let it go to your heads.
Bad News: Since I’m a chick it won’t make a damn bit of difference in my weight.
To the person with the deceased toenail. No, it won’t hurt when it falls off. In fact, it will probably be nudged off by a thin flimsy nail growing underneath. The blood will have long since dried up and will probably be permanently attached to the old nail. It’s pretty cool. Then again I could pack an open wound with one hand and eat a piece of pizza with the other. Gotta love being a nurse.
Jason – I have a long standing fear with Chinese food. The funky flavors and weird looking meat just freak me out. I always stick with what I know…seseme chicken with extra steamed broccoli.
T. Farty McAppleass says
I’ll get you started. “Hammerhead” is their shit drizzling dog like beast that always has a “please kill me” look in his eyes.
T. Farty – who is “their”? Are they Toney’s family? Jeff you need to do a glossary of the cast of characters. I love the stories about them, I just don’t know who the hell they are.
T. Farty McAppleass says
I fear I’ve said to much already……..
Mike Berry says
Here’s as good a place to start as any:
The Nancy Papers
Taiwan On says
Bad news – I gotta spend the rest of the week in some pointless meeting.
Good news – After that, two weeks of home leave. Yaayy! Back to the US of A! Cheeseburgers and pizza every day.
JCIII, don’t worry about the toenail. I lost both big-toe nails a few years ago, courtesy of some ill-fitting ski boots, but they grew back just fine. Funny-looking, but pain-free throughout. Just watch out for those fungal infections – don’t be shy about asking the doc for Lamisil pills if need be.
Brynhildr said, “I thought we all kinda agreed not to get political” – some of us appear not to have gotten the message. The thing about political opinions is that by expressing one here, one is either preaching to the choir or self-identifying as a retarded asshole. Useless in either case.
Currently sticking faithfully to my strict regimen of T-bone and beer.
I fucking choked. I went with General Tso’s chicken and pork egg rolls. I think Jeff mentioned cashew chicken before but I couldn’t bare the idea of nuts in my food.
Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says
@Jason Beef and mushrooms is my fave! Gotta have crab rangoon.
And the last comment by @chill. Fan-freaking-tastic! Bravo!
Thanks for the link, Mike. People like that don’t really exist do they? I can’t believe Jeff would let them in his state let alone his house. Those see-through kids need beat to within and inch of their lives. Nostrils…wells he just needs kicked in his non-existent balls. I was getting nauseous reading about him sucking down chicken bones and smacking his lips. Goddamn that’s disgusting and one of my biggest pet-peeves. As for Nancy, there are no words for her haughty brand of superiority.
Shiny Rod says
Bad News: Tomorrows another day.
Good News: Tomorrows another day.
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Good news: Notre Dame won on Saturday.
Bad news: They played unranked Nevada, so it couldn’t have been difficult.
More bad news: I was freakin busy at work today and am just getting around to reading today’s update. And now I have to leave for a boring-ass 3-hour class and haven’t finished reading the comments!!!
Curse like it was 2003 again. Pussy!
Not Oprah says
AWG – thx, I wouldn’t have noticed the horses unless you mentioned. Probably woulda stared at the picture and given up. Giddy-up!!!
Who cares about your hopes and dreams? I submit that I do not. Twice daily updates for the remainder of 2009! I’m starting a gosh-danged petition.
Not Oprah says
Jeff, you go my friend. You’ve been a great source of entertainment. Looking fwd to your future work. I’m sure we can entertain ourselves where needed. I have alot of questions to ask people. Just need ringleaders to fill in once in awhile to set the topic.
JCII I’ve heard that if you poke under the nail to release the blood there is less likelyhood to lose the nail, Haven’t tried it. I am a trail runner and often lose nails on the downhills also a complete klutz. Suck it up… 😉 Life can be way worse.
I second RNK’s request for a decoder list of family nicknames! Who the hell are Sunshine & Mumbles??
Thanks for the list Garrett. I could eat black beans every day. They weren’t on the cholesteral burning list the doctor gave me.
30 Miles South- been shot before. Doesn’t stop me.
Kristy- Sunshine and Mumbles are Jeff’s in-laws.
On IPOD right now- “Sara Smile”- Hall and Oates
Just kidding again- God, that never gets old!
“Anarchy in the UK”- Sex Pistols
Sunshine and Mumbles are Nancy’s mom and stepdad. Or at least I think it’s stepdad. Sunshine is a hypochondriac narcissist with a propensity for ‘antibiotic’ attacks that leave her unable to engange any kind of interpersonal filter, resulting in many a bannination from public places. Mumbles suffers in silence, as far as I can tell.
Ther are three Translucents. The oldest one is a future serial killer. He has a favorite skirt, is a LEGO genius, and from what’s been told here, is utterly incapable of genuine social interaction. Think Dexter.
Nancy is a pit-pelted hippie mama who is probably still breastfeeding the youngest child, perhaps the two youngest, and very possibly all three. She believes grilled eggplant is an acceptable substitute for a hamburger.
Nostrils is Nancy’s husband, a closet smoker, and a wanna-be carnivore. He is also probably still breastfeeding.
For more information, please go back and read the entire history of this site. You will NOT regret the time spent, I guarantee!!!
The bad news is that my wife only puts out one night a year. The good news is that last night was the night!
@Kristy, S and M are the mother and father in law. Read back in the archives for some of their antics…truly priceless stuff!
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Good News: Week is half over
Bad News: Bears (still a great movie)
I’m gonna get all political and throw in my 2-cents: I like beer, burritos, and bowling (and that just covers the letter B).
Suggestion for an e-book:
Every scrap of N & N EVER mentioned. Shot paragraphs, sentences, updates and *special* updates, Nancy papers all condensed into a Volume 1 e-book. That would be a great project.
For those of you who don’t understand the N&N saga, you HAVE to read the story about helping them move. The one with the moving van and wind up car….
Anybody have the link?
Got to admit the blogs about his visiting relatives are always the funniest.
Swami Bologna says
I second the suggestion that anyone who has not already done so should start at the very beginning of this adventure and work your way forward. It will most likely take a few months (unless you’re unemployed and can spend 12 hours a day reading the site), but it will be well worth the effort. You will laugh often and hard. (http://thewvsr.com/previousnotes.htm)
i have not been able to go through the comments, so forgive me if this is a repeat – but will we loyal reporters be able able to buy a signed book from you???
Mark Eichholz says
You gotta go spicy with the chinese food. Get some General Tso’s chicken
Good News: We are first time home buyers! We sign the papers next week AND we do not have to move cause we are buying this house! YAY!
Bad News: My day off tomorrow but I have to spend it like I did the last three Thursdays helping my mother “take loads over” so there will be less work on moving day.
Good News : There will be less work on moving day and I get to spend time with my Mom .
Bad News Our school district was one that refused to show the Barry Speech
Good News We have a broadband internet connection at home and Mom made BOTH teens watch it directly after she did. Talk about a veto.
I love that man. He is perfection.
WHY IS MAINSTREAM MEDIA SO AFRAID OF THIS MAN??