Every time we go to West Virginia, Toney and I have a series of conversations about “over-the-top state pride,” as she calls it.
She’s referring to the WV logos on almost every car, the West Virginia-themed clothing covering much of the bloat, and even jewelry that pays tribute to the state. It is a bit over-the-top, I guess, but I probably wouldn’t notice if Toney didn’t point it out every time.
Clearly, it irritates her…
“It feels like they have a chip on their shoulder,” she says. “I doubt people in Connecticut or Kansas are going around saying, ‘I’m from Connecticut or Kansas, you got a problem with that?!'”
Hey, I always say, when you’re the butt of every joke, and openly mocked for decades on-end, people tend to get defensive and defiant. Plus, a lot of it’s about WVU football, and nothing else. …I think.
We have the exact same conversation every time, and I’m always put in the position of defending the homeland. Even though I’m not really disagreeing, I feel a need to offer an explanation.
“It’s an inferiority complex,” she says. “Like Canadians, with their freakin’ maple leafs.”
Controversial.
On a related note, my Mom told me about something that happened while she and my Dad were in Florida last winter. They were reportedly talking with one of their neighbors down there, and it was mentioned that my parents were married at the age of 19.
“Wow, I didn’t think people in West Virginia waited until they were 19 to get married,” the King of Comedy said.
“Well, it was our second marriage,” my Dad answered.
Heh. He regularly comes up with the kinds of comebacks that would occur to me five minutes too late… And five minutes too late won’t do a damn bit of good. Ya know?
However… My Dad told me he was talking with someone in Dunbar recently, and the guy said he remembered me from my years working as a toll collector, at the Dunbar Toll Bridge.
The dude said he came across the bridge at about 2 am one night, and the following conversation supposedly took place:
Him: What would you do if I told you I wasn’t going to pay this stupid toll?
Me: I’d write down your license number, and call the police.
Him: You don’t know who I am, do you?
Me: No.
Him: I used to work with your Dad.
Me: Yeah?
Him: And I’m just joking with you. I’d never cross the bridge without paying.
Me: And I wouldn’t have done anything if you hadn’t. What do I care?
For some reason this ten second conversation has stuck with the man for 25 years. He thinks it’s hilarious. I, of course, have no recollection of any of it. Or of him, for that matter.
But he certainly captured my general attitude about things back then… Yep, that sure sounds like me, circa 1983.
While at my parents’ house, the Secrets were forced to share a bed. And, needless to say, this led to many arguments. “He steals all the covers!” “He kicked me in the back!” “He talks in his sleep all night, and yells!”
WTF?
So, we split them up on the second night, and I slept with the younger Secret. Which led to even more bitching… By him and me.
He said I snored all night, and kept waking him up. “It sounded like a train,” he complained. And Toney jumped on that particular bandwagon, saying I’m a complete weirdo because I sleep on my back. Is that so unusual? What’s wrong with sleeping on your back?? Sheesh.
This criticism of my “snoring” (greatly exaggerated, I believe), and my sleeping style, continued for a long time, and I finally snapped.
“You guys sleep the way you wanna sleep, and I’ll do it the way I want. On my back! Like a gingerbread man!!” See? After a while you get all defensive, and defiant. And kinda weird.
And anyway, the Secret wasn’t exactly a joy to share a bed with, either. He continuously moves, tossing and turning, and working his legs like he’s riding a bicycle. He whipped the covers off me about ten times, and kneed me in the kidneys repeatedly.
“Tonight I want to sleep with (the older hooligan) again!” he said. “It’s horrible sleeping with Dad.”
“OK, Lance Armstrong,” I answered, before Toney stepped in and blocked an argument in the making.
And I think that’s gonna do it for today, boys and girls.
In the comments section I’d like to read your stories about the worst person you’ve ever slept with. Not in a sexual way, of course, but just a general bad sleeper. Not even in the same bed, necessarily… Maybe in a hotel room, or at camp as a kid, or something like that? We need to hear all about it.
Also, how do you think you sleep? On your side? Is that what society tells us we have to do? Am I the last gingerbread man standing? Is that what it’s come to? Use the comments section to bring us up to date on this important information.
And before I go, I want to alert you to another excellent animation short by Metten. Right here. Please check it out, and leave your thoughts at the site, if you’re so inclined. We’d both appreciate it.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, with a rare Friday update.
See you guys then!
Two comments….. First, I sleep on my back, side, stomach, sitting, standing, it doesn’t matter. I have learned to catch sleep whenever and however. Plus, I have nightmares at least twice a week, thanks to Uncle Sam. I am just lucky I have my wife there to shake me awake each time. Second, on WV pride…..I think it is awesome that we West Virginian’s show pride in our State. It is rooted deep in our heritage. This state was the only state born of the civil war. It took a proud people to do what we did. We are a deeply religious bunch, very clanish and we stand for what we believe. Adjusted for population, WV sends more men and women in the armed forces than any other state and we also have suffered more than our share of sorrow because of it. I spent a number of years in the Air Force and I can tell you that the folks I served with were proud to have served with me. I took a lot of ribbing about being a hilbilly and a mountain man, but that is all in good fun. Whenever I took an M-16 to the firing range and brought targets back, not with bullseyes, but with no bullseye left in the target, they were happy to have this hillbilly by their side. It is WV pride that fuels our fire. We want to be the best at whatever it is that we do. Someone once told me that the reason I handled a firearm so well was because I had to kill my own food! Little did they know there was some truth to it. I didn’t have to, I chose to! They also said they would want to be in a squadron of West Virginians in battle than with anyone else. Be proud of our heritage! I would much rather be a proud West Virginian than be from anywhere else. American by birth, West Virginian by the Grace of God.
Jeff,
I’ve been rocking that Butch Walker too….great power pop.
BTW, my wife has “restless leg syndrome”. It’s like sleeping with a pissed off Bruce Lee.
P~
Brynhildr,
Dude got off lucky. I once punched a guy for pissing in the laundry tub at a party, so you can imagine what I would do to someone pissing in the bed. Unless you have Ebola you you better wake your ass up and crawl to the bathroom.
Dad snores like a Detroit Diesel hitting on five cylinders. Wife snores. Always has.I got ear plugs for Christmas once. Yip-figgin-ee
I’m a classic casket pose when I start off and the Z’s come quick. Later…left or right depending on which sholder hurts or arm is asleep. Stomach…not so much. I tend to drool when I do that and the drooling wakes me up.
I had some really cool Canadian underwear once. Bought them at Woodwards in Edmonton. Speedo style (hey I was 24 and well…24). Maple leafs and stripes too. Only a slect few ever saw them. Spent two weeks in Linclon, Nebraska one night and realized “Go Big Red” s an untreatable disease.
I don’t think it is specifically cheerios that is supposedly doing the trick – It’s something to do with the soluble fiber. I think popcorn has that, maybe oatmeal.
Nevertheless, I don’t think I could have the sardines EVERY morning. The cheerios, I wouldn’t mind. Plus, with all the ingested mercury from the fish (according to Al Gore), he’s gong to be killed by a magnet flying off the refrigerator towards his colon one of these days.
Now that I think of it, they do sell something called Fish Oil in caplet form…. I might have to stop by Walgreens……
As for the peppers (the beneficial oil is capsaicin, I looked it up), I burn up my corn hole daily on jalapenos, LA hot sauce, Tabasco… etc.
That’s what I’m going to do! One bag of ACTIII popcorn (with butter) smothered in Tabasco! Maybe the fish oil too…..
I’ll give it a month, then get re-tested. See how it goes.
BTW, my cholesterol isn’t that high – 210, I believe i have massive amounts of “good” vs “bad”, whatever the hell that means…..
bennigan’s nazi, are you from South Africa. I know someone that writes like you. We both speak english, but not really the same language.
I can never really tell what it is you’re trying to say.