I know this might be difficult for some of you to believe, but I was in Wendy’s this afternoon. I was sitting in a boof by a window, where I could keep an eye on my car (since my laptop was on the passenger seat), enjoying a #1 with cheese, no pickles, and a Coke. Well, actually… I went with the sweet tea this time. But that’s neither here nor there.
I was eating, when some guy sat down in the booth in front of mine – facing me. The place was almost empty, it was off-hours, and the dude went with the seat that was sure to generate the maximum amount of awkwardness. Simply excellent.
“Hi,” he said, before his ass was fully in his chair. Great…
I gave him the “sup?” chin-lift, and continued working on my fries. I was hoping I’d conveyed a “not really interested in chatting” vibe, without being openly rude. But apparently I need to perfect my technique.
“Those phones are fantastic, aren’t they?” he said. “What is that, an iPhone?”
“It’s a Droid,” I answered.
“Oh, Droid. Those are fantastic.”
Two fantastics already… I gave him a weak “yep” and kept going.
“Do you know you can download an app to your iPhone there, that gives you advance warning when cops are out patrolling, watching for speeders?”
I realized the dude was eating two giant Frostys: one vanilla, one chocolate. And nothing else.
He continued. “It costs $99, but if it saves you once it’s paid for itself, right? Because a ticket is usually around $180, plus your insurance goes up.”
“Uh huh.”
“It’s a fantastic service, you should check it out. And that $99 is a one-time fee, not yearly. And like I said… if it saves you once, it’s more than paid for itself already.”
Oh, man… I still had half a burger to go.
“You can hook it into your GPS, too. It’s designed to work with Garmin, and TomTom, and all the big names. It’s fantastic! And if it saves you once, it’s paid for itself. It’s a great app that you can download straight to your iPhone there, and it costs $99. That’s for life, remember, not yearly. You’ll get all the updates for life. I use it, and I think it’s fantastic.”
“Well, I’ll definitely check it out,” I lied.
“Tell all your friends about it!” he shouted, with Frosty all over his teeth.
“I will,” I said, while climbing to my feet – with at least seven full-sized fries remaining. They would have to be sacrificed, there was no other way. “See you later.”
I went outside, and got in my car. And as I was backing out of the parking spot, I noticed the Honda beside me had the URL for the app’s website stenciled on the back window.
Good god. I assume the guy has some sort of stake in the business, right? That’s pretty obvious. But a few minutes later I came up with a preferable scenario. Maybe he just REALLY loves the app? Heh. That’s what I choose to believe.
It reminds me of a man who used to drive around town in a car emblazoned with a gigantic GEICO logo – it covered the entire vehicle. One day I saw him in a parking lot, and said, “So, do you work for GEICO, or just really like their service?” Luckily, he busted out laughing.
Anyway… I don’t mind chitchatting with people, as long as they’re not an annoying brand of crazy – or working some angle. You know, like a religious nut, or someone with a political axe to grind. This dude clearly had an agenda. And is that really his business model? Bugging strangers in fast food restaurants, who happen to have an “iPhone?” I’m not sure that’s the way to go.
What are your thoughts on chitchatting with strangers? I like talking with people in dive bars, but you’ve got to be careful. A lot of people are mean drunks (I’m the opposite), and have a hair-trigger temper. I like to prod folks to talk, but one time a guy turned to me and said, “Are you writing a fucking book?” That was awkward.
So, what’s your stance on chitchat? Can you remember any especially interesting episodes? Please use the comments link below.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends.
See ya then.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
Yes, that’s correct.
And now that I’ve actually read the post, I’d have to say Jeff was rather restrained in not telling that asshole to go fuck himself. Or at least getting up and moving to another seat to finish lunch, in an overt demonstration of annoyance.
Deep down inside, Jeff is a softy.
I am a chit-chat failure. I’m alright with this.
seconded. I suck at it. I’m either over-sharing (awkward) or think of completely tangential things to say, especially when talking with 1) strangers of 2) someone I know is really high up the managerial chain where I work. Always have to be careful to not talk about my weird hobbies and interests. It’s exhausting.
Weird hobbies such as?
conjoined twin research, reading about surgeries and rare diseases, like that. I also used to watch and read more science fiction than would have been deemed appropriate for a girl (thank goodness we’ve moved beyond that), and at church I really REALLY need to be careful to not get into political discussions.
A newspaper folded open the the crossword section and a pen (not a pencil) creates a “Don’t bother me” zone I’ve found. It also is a great tool to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
”’Excuse me…do you know a four letter word for snatch.”
…but nah…not much of a chitchat fan. Bar talk with strangers is a whole different scene. A welcomed event. Unless…you know…they’re an asshole.
I normally just projectile vomit what I’ve been eating all over them, then say “there, you now have a hot lunch”. Goodbye.
Somehow I think that reply wasn’ driected to me…because…I’ve never thought about throwing up on a pretty girl to get her attention or her smile…dunno?
Not all freakazoids are male. Just sayin’.
.
Carry headphones with you. I plug them in, but don’t listen to anything.
It is a socially acceptable way to ignore those around you.
I used to bring headphones with me on the subway, and snake them into my bag not attached to anything. That way I could pretend to be out of reach for chit chat, yet be able to hear everything around me.
I ride the public bus. It’s all about talking to weirdos. Of course, it takes one to know one.
Oh yeah it’s a real freak show in the public bus. No matter where you’re from.
Perhaps he was an out of work Chewlies Gum representative from the movie “Clerks.”
I recently moved to a small town from a large city where chit chat was unacceptable. Everyone here is a chatterer, yet oddly the proportion of crazies is much higher. Now that I’m getting used to it, I kind of like the chatting, but “hidden” agendas are still ire-inducing.
On the bar front, I’m like Jeff. I get pretty gregarious when I’m drunk, sadly the desert seems to be a hot bed of the other kind. I’m probably one awkward conversation away from being banned for life from the only bar in town.
Would never, ever eat alone in public without a newspaper or magazine. In bars, anything goes but if you are wearing something stupid, you can go to hell !!
Wow, this update strikes a chord with me! Strangers tell me all kinds of stuff. Just yesterday, I’m at the CVS waiting for my prescription to be filled. I’m sitting there and a woman and man walk in, age maybe late 50’s. He’s blind (has a cane) and she leads him over beside me to sit down. For some reason, I got the impression he was newly blind.
Unfortunately, I was right. He says “nice weather today”. I agreed. Then he tells me a few months ago he went into the hospital for back surgery and came out blind!! I was so stunned all I could say was “oh my God”. He proceeds to tell me that the surgery was very long and that his blood pressure went very low. Apparently, that combined with being on your stomach for so long deprives the optic nerve of oxygen. He said the optic nerve may regrow or not. I had never heard of such a thing, and just kept saying things like “that’s terrible”, “wow”, etc.
I came home and googled it, and it really does happen, though very rarely. Lawsuits are usually won because doctors and anesthesiologists are aware of this and are supposed to prevent it from happening. Now I wonder if that poor guy sued. He said he was depressed (no kidding) because he couldn’t do anything for himself anymore. At the point, the pharmacist said my prescription was ready. I got up to go and he said it was nice talking to me. Man, I felt so bad after that (and still do). Poor man! (Sorry to be Debbie Downer today, but you asked…)
Holy crap, that’s awful.
Fuck him…you should have told him you were stranded in the Austrailian outback for three months, covered in fire ants while fighting off rabid wambats on a nightly basis. Whiners like him need to suck it up. Fucking crybabies.
I’d have to say something cruel like “Damn, J Lo is standing at the checkout naked from head to toe”.
Im a chit chatter in socially acceptable places. A big giant lesbian tried to chat me and my girlfriend up a few weekes ago while i was waitig to take a piss test. My girl was clearly putting up the i dont want to talk vibe.
Right now im at secondary bar and im not feeling very chit chatty.
Last night was a different story the lakers lost and we won a fifty dollar bar tab at trivia. Win win.
Its all talk….
Words with a D this time.
.
Elephant Talk?……..Elephant Talk?!?
I don’t much care for it. I had a friend once, who talked to everyone within a 15 foot radius of her, all the time. It made me uncomfortable just to be with her.
I don’t even chit chat with my fambly. My coworker and I have gone nearly all day at times without saying a word to each other. Get outta my face.
My last job was like that.
I think forced chit-chat – meaning artificial cordiality in the pursuit of an agenda – is grounds for execution by firing squad.
Agreed!
I get chit-chatty at baseball games. Dunno why. I’m sure everyone around me would like me to shut my piehole. Outside of that I try to keep to myself.
I like chit-chat if proper rules are observed:
1. Only after 10 AM (sometimes 11) NEVER at an earlier un-godly hour
2. Only with non-douches. Sometimes its a crap-shoot, someone may give off a non-douche vibe until they open their mouth then its all downhill.
3. In the event #2 happens, always ALWAYS have a plan B (cell phone is ideal for this)
Also, Jeff, wicked awesome pic with the article. Always loved me some Monty Python!
Jill, you didn’t happen to go to highschool in California, did you?
And with a guy named John?
Who went by Jack?
I’m against it.
well, number 4 has struck..my coworkers husband has stage 4 lung cancer probly wont make thru the weekend…can i hide under one of your beds?
we found out we are getting moved to another building finally .. our aisle is haunted now and the mojo is bad..
enough of the chit chat…what was the question again?
lori…sorry to hear such terrible news. Come on up to the Burg! I’ll take you to our local bar where you can engage in all kinds of drunkin moronic chit-chat. You’ll either love me or beat the hell out of me afterwards!
New coworker chit chat is painful. “what’s it like to work around here? What’s the workplace culture like here? How’s the cafeteria? Is the crime in town really that bad? Has the city come back since Katrina?” etc etc etc on and on.
lori, sorry to hear the bad news. Lost a friend to stage 4 last week. We all knew, but just not when.
“They would have to be sacrificed, there was no other way.” Now that is Jeff Kay perfection!
Poor, innocent french fries… Let’s have a moment of silence.
I have mixed feelings vis-a-vis chitchat. Bar conversation is usually good, though I rarely initiate it. On the other hand, you get odd persons in non-bar situations. Last week I stayed in a hotel for a business trip. I was having a smoke out front and some guy accosted me with “you think that truck is really that color, or is it just the lighting?”. My gut reaction was “fuck off” – instead, I chit-chatted for a while, but it felt really awkward to me.
Today the president of my company (apparently) sought me out and asked how I was doing. What do you say to that? But this was before I found out about the two layoffs today.
.
He was probably undressing you with his mind.
I don’t mind chitchat if the person doesn’t have a large dose of the crazies. I actually enjoyed jury duty this week because of the other people. I didn’t get stuck on a jury, and the other people were shockingly normal and intelligent. It seems, however, that loonies seek me out. Once when I was a sweet young 21 year old, what started out as seemingly harmless chitchat turned into an old perv asking me to try on some underwear and model it for him, because he was trying to find a gift for his 12 year old daughter. I didn’t go back in Kmart for 2 years. And while riding on an Amtrak train in California, a guy with poorly spelled monochromatic tats and his possessions in a paper bag sat next to me (despite many other empty seats) and told me about how happy he was to get to be near women again. Someone needs to develop crazy repellent.
F’ing chit-chatters must die… Just got back from a choir program where the kids had to be there at 6:45, the program starts at 7:30 but the doors to the auditorium don’t open until 7:15. So here’s about 300 parents standing around making small talk for half and hour. I go sit in the most remote corner hoping that this will make it obvious that I have no desire to hear anymore boring shit. No go. After having at least 6 people come over in the next 2 minutes to discuss the weather, I go and sit in the car for 28 minutes. The only thing I don’t understand is why everyone else wasn’t in their own car. My wife thinks I’m an anti-social ass – she’s completely right.
m touched on something and chitchat with wackos is actually something I don’t mind. I’m talkin’ wackos..ok? It’s like improve sketch comedy, one on one. They’re really serious about the stuff they’re saying and it can be some wacked out stuff. But if you hang in there and keep up with the craziness and have you’re jammin’ chops up…an abstract conversation that means nothing but then again, means everything is a moment in life unmatched. I’ve had three or four of them. Amazing stuff.
I hate that awkwardness too, especially when you go out of your way to go at an off-hour to have some lunch and you don’t want to eat at home or in your car.
I’ve broken these people down into White Hat and Black Hat categories. “White Hats” are those folks who, as a rule, genuinely have no sense of social etiquette because they were raised in a social environment where it would have been unthinkable to let someone sit isolated and alone like that. The guy at Wendy’s prbably thought he was doing a good thing.
Then there’s the other kind: the Black Hats. These are the ones that come up to you at a metro station or just walking down the street and act genuinely interested in carrying on a conversation with you about something. Eventually, if you let them get past their initial lead-in, they’ll get to what it is they want from you — and it’s always something.
Basically they want you to give them something — ANYTHING — of value. It helped me to stop smoking because people who already had cigarettes would come up to me and ask for them the second I pulled out the pack. Not to sound racist, but 99.9% of the time they were African American and I’m not sure what factors into that, but it is a fact that might have something to do with certain racial stereotypes.
It’s the Black Hats who generally make me as anti-social as I am.
Chit-chatters need to be put to death. I work as a cashier, so there’s simply no escape. They pay me to be there, I gotta listen.
I always felt sorry for cashiers. My father is one of those people who flirt or mess with the cashier, thinking he’s witty and charming and not realizing that the cashier is grinding their teeth and has heard the same one-liners and BS all week and would rather be at home.
I hate that awkwardness too, especially when you go out of your way to go at an off-hour to have some lunch and you don’t want to eat at home or in your car.
I’ve broken these people down into White Hat and Black Hat categories. “White Hats” are those folks who, as a rule, genuinely have no sense of social etiquette because they were raised in a social environment where it would have been unthinkable to let someone sit isolated and alone like that. The guy at Wendy’s prbably thought he was doing a good thing.
Then there’s the other kind: the Black Hats. These are the ones that come up to you at a metro station or just walking down the street and act genuinely interested in carrying on a conversation with you about something. Eventually, if you let them get past their initial lead-in, they’ll get to what it is they want from you — and it’s always something.
Basically they want you to give them something — ANYTHING — of value. It helped me to stop smoking because people who already had cigarettes would come up to me and ask for them the second I pulled out the pack.
Not to sound racist, but 99.9% of the time they were African American and I’m not sure what factors into that, but it is a fact that might have something to do with certain racial stereotypes. I hate that, but it’s just a reality.
It’s the Black Hats who generally make me as anti-social as I am. But they’re not the only ones. People with kids somehow seem to feel like they’re entitled to push your buttons in a social environment. If you’ve ever been in a situation in a fast food restaurant and you absolutely have to use the toilet, it can be stressing to get the seat cover positioned (who designed these things?!) and right at the moment your ass hits the seat, you hear the “swoosh” of the door and in comes a gaggle of kids screaming “DAD THERE’S SOMEONE IN THERE WHATS HE DOING!”
I’m beginning to think in life that my God given right to be left the hell alone may not be a right after all. It’s just annoying as hell when people force you into a situation where you have to be a dick. It seems that when I finally reach my breaking point and do my best to kindly and gently tell people to please allow me some space they take it the wrong way and feel threatened. Then they want to escalate a situation. So the only option sometimes is just to sit there and let them ruin your meal or whatever and go on with your life.
Sorry about double posting. My first post posted before I finished it. Cheers.
I’ve got a good feel for chit chatters. I know how to spot good ones. But when it comes to small talk I like to be the one initiating it. I don’t like to be caught off guard with someone else’s bullshit. I like to bounce weird shit off of strangers to see if it’ll work with normal people.
I like to shoot the shit in bars, too. I like to make up ailments and see what other drunks think it might be. “My jaw will pop then I feel a pain shooting down my right arm. Usually only happens when I’m eating eggs. Anyway, when that happens I know to not even bother trying to take a piss anytime soon, because no matter how hard I push nothing’s coming out.” They always make a heart disease diagnosis. “Fuck man, that’s that old cholesterol firing up on ya. You should try eating emu eggs to see if it still does it. Oh God, I think I just shat myself, man.” That’s when I fein a heart attack and run out.
I usually eat lunch at my desk and I can’t stand when someone waltzes up and starts talking. I always put my utensils down (or sandwich or whatever) and give “Uh huh” kind of answers while my whole body language is screaming “Get the fuck away from me so I can eat in peace for 5 minutes!”
Of course, there are those who don’t give a shit and will stuff their face AND TALK with a mouthful of food. Gee, thanks for gnashing your repulsive plug of bologna in my face.
The Mrs. (Doc’s wife and office manager) pulls that bullshit all the time. Five minutes before or during lunch or before we leave for the day, she’ll start with shit she had all day to talk about. It’s all about control and authority. So now we never stay in the office for lunch. She makes her issues everyone else’s issues and we always end up having to “help” her do something that could be done anytime.
Twat. I used to have a boss like that.
You need to throw an open can of tuna up above the ceiling tiles in her office.
I would have stabbed that fucker in the neck with a plastic fork. I once took a hammer to one of those voice advertising boxes that start shouting at the gas pump when you’re trying to fill up.
Never approach me with any sort of unsolicited advertising agenda because you’ll draw back a nub.
Also, never end a solicited sales pitch with a “If I can get my manager to knock 15% off, will you sign up today?”. That gets a 2×4 through your windshield.
I’m generally ok with chit chat, but like the majority of the other reporters I try to avoid the nut-jobs. I’ll tell you what though, when I was in China two weeks ago I had a guy try and chit chat with me… in mandarin. I don’t speek mandarin. I just looked up at him from the bench with the deer in the headlights look as he showed me a picture of a tree on his camera. Fucking weird. And the really creepy homeless deformed people asking for money on the streets? Give me the heebie geebies!
wow… *speak
Shut up Jeff you cunt. (jk I <3 Jeff)