I was at work one day last week, when some kid, maybe nineteen years old, asked me the following question: Have you ever had Kraft Macaroni and Cheese?
Just thought you’d want to know. Maybe tonight he’ll inquire about whether or not I’ve ever taken a deep breath, or buttoned a shirt?
I wish I’d been quick enough to say, “Had it? You mean in a sexual way? I don’t think so, although parts of the ’80s are a blur. Put me down for ‘probably not.'”
Can you think of any especially stupid questions you’ve been asked? Tell us about it.
The younger Secret reportedly sneezed at school a few days ago, and I guess this practically set off an air raid siren. He said a nurse was suddenly there. He doesn’t know where she came from, she just appeared before he’d even had a chance to finish his choo!
“Sneeze and cough into your elbow!” she yelled at him. Heh. That’s the new thing, isn’t it? We have posters at my job, showing cartoon characters sneezing into their elbows. Where does this stuff come from?
And how long before we start seeing people walking around with a shiny patch halfway down their left arm?
Jim Carroll died over the weekend, and I hate that. Sometimes he came across as pretentious, I thought, what with all the poetry and spoken word performances. But he left behind three works that made me a longtime fan.
And they are, Catholic Boy (his first album), I Write Your Name (his third album — the second was a turd), and his grimy, disturbing autobiographical book, The Basketball Diaries. The albums are very good, and the book is great.
Most people remember him for the song “People Who Died,” and that’s fine. It’s a memorable tune. But there was more to the man. It reminds me of the days when people used to refer to Randy Newman as “that Short People guy.” Wow!
Anyway, here’s a raucous version of that song, performed live on some unknown TV show. RIP Jim, and all that stuff.
On Saturday we bought a case of Sierra Nevada Anniversary Ale. We tried a 6-pack a few weeks back, and it was freaking fantastic. We had to buy the case hot, and I worked on Sunday night, so it’ll probably be Saturday before we actually break into it.
But it’s chilling in our basement fridge as I type this, whispering sweet nothings through the floorboards… Oh yeah. Here’s a review that summarizes my thoughts, better than I ever could. I think.
And remember how I said there’d be extra-lame weeks here at the Surf Report for a while? Yeah, well this is one of them. The updates will probably be abbreviated, and only run through Wednesday. Sorry, but I’m taking my box of Little Debbies and walking into the forest in a few days… I’m in the middle of prep period. November 1 will be here before I know it…
I’ll leave you now with a Question I think will be kinda fun. But there are some ground rules… I’d like to know your favorite punch lines. Not the whole joke, mind you, just the punch lines.
I’ll get the ball rolling with three, off the top of my head:
“Now that’s what I was waiting for, a HOT meal!”
“Turn her over, Luke! Turn her over!!”
Please resist the temptation to tell complete jokes, just give us the punch lines. Sometimes it’s funnier without the context. We’ll see how it goes…
Have a great day, my friends.
I’ll see ya tomorrow.
White Trash Barbie says
Fave punchline from fave joke:
“Okay… but chee-chee first!”
” Most of zee men just ride zee camel into town and go to zee whorehouse.”
“Well, I sure as hell wouldn’t spank him.”
Joe T. says
The Qweezy Mark and Patrick Swayze are twin-like in their appearance.
WB in OH says
Woo hoo…just found out the sierra nevada anniversary will be at my local store friday afternoon!
So, I liked Patrick Swayze and that makes me gay, just making sure I understood some of the earlier comments.
I’m terrible at remebering and retelling jokes.
WB in OH says
and i’m terrible at spelling, jeeesh.
Punchline: Rat, with a dick about this long.
One of the first things we learned in basic training was to sneeze into our elbow. Of course that was after how to stfu. Some guys had problems with both of those…
Jeff already mentioned my favorite punchline.
And WB- Just because you liked P.S. does not mean you are gay…it just means that you make have been at one time 😉
It’s amazing how many of the jokes I recognized by the punch lines.
My all time favorite:
Think it’ll rain?
Your eyesight is still 20-20.
Wanna ride bikes/play video games?
The 12 pack is for married guys…one for January One
for Febuary, One for March……
You didn’t say you had a prescription.
Little Boy’s Pants Half-Off.
All the DNA there is the same.
I must know 10,000 jokes although I have a theroy. There’s really only one joke, it’s just that every time one person tells it to another one or two things get changed, added od deleted so that by the time you hear it agian everything about it is different.
The original joke? A caveman slipped on a bananna peel. (ugh)
Where are you? (at home, where you called me, on the home phone….)
Chef Napalm says
The third cowboy just sat quietly, stirring the coals with his dick.
-- Steve says
“Two obese Patty’s, Santa Claus, British Priest picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus”
Well, I guess he learned his lesson after that 8-ball incident.
Pole Girl says
“Ever seen a bulldog chew mayonaise?”
Noel Babbitt says
“Get off me, dad, you’re smushing my smokes.”
Georgia Beebe says
“It’s a nic nac, Patti Wak, give the frog a loan.”
“Because they don’t have balls to scratch.”
If you sneeze into your hand, then touch something or someone, you are leaving your disgusting germs for everyone else. (No thanks!) If you sneeze in your elbow, you prevent infectious sinus spray and can simply launder your shirt instead of spreading your nasty nasal goo to others. Best to have a disposable tissue handy. The elbow sneeze has been around in the schools here for years.
Sneezing, Death, Good Beer, and Punch Lines
Cue Karnak The Magnificent:
What are four things without which life would be impossible?
Shiny Rod says
Crystal Lee Sutton, the woman who inspired the movie “Nomra Rae” dead at 68 after battling cancer and her insurance company for treatment.
Shiny Rod says
Damn you cursed fingers, that’s “Norma Rae”
WB in OH says
This is a touch late but just got a joke via e-mail; punch line…Then you’re a queer
I’d buy that for a dollar!
“Put that back . . it’s for after your funeral.”
“Sorry I can’t hear you . . I have a banana in my ear.”
“Yup and deep, too.”
“If it wasn’t for that log, I would have drowned.”
Rectum? Damn near killed ’em!
J Shifty says
I’m nothing if not chronically late to the party, so here’s a few of the classic punch lines that haven’t come up yet:
-“Pretty tight, huh?”
-“Fred’s out there picking watermelons!”
-“I’ll keep an eye out for you!”
-“Checking for squirrels.”
And for the kids:
-“The Czech’s in the male”
“KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!”
Thank you for bringing her home. Most guys just leave her hanging on the limb.
Would I, would I! Harelip, harelip!
“It’s okay, my son. I got him with the door.”
“Put velcro on the ceiling.”
“The bad news is that I was supposed to call you yesterday.”
“Now where’s that damn Eskimo woman you want killed?”