I feel like I just come on here every three or four days and whine. Is that what it’s come to? It’s a sad state of affairs. Everything DOES seem like it’s spiraling out of control, but it’ll be better soon. You can mark my word! Whatever that means…
Even though the “visitors” will be returning tomorrow, for one final blast of fun, I’m determined to have a normal weekend. They can mess up two weekends in a row, but I draw the line at three. If they’re still here on Thursday, I’m getting up, taking a shower, and going to “work.” I’m off on Thursday, but will be going to “the office” as far as they’re concerned.
And by normal weekend, I mean getting caught up on the stuff I can’t do while I’m working, or playing the part of teeth-grinding host. I’m so far behind on so many things, I’m losing it a little. If I owe you something — like a signed book, for instance — please know that I’m on it. And that I punish myself all day long, every single day, for my half-assery.
Sweet sainted mother of Harold Hecuba!
Speaking of the book, check out this blog post by Aaron Starmer. Very cool. Also, I just completed a lengthy interview with a local newspaper, about Crossroads Road. I’ll let you guys know when it appears. You know, unless they make me look like a douche… In that case, I’ll never mention it again.
Also, the book received its first full-blown negative review last week. I’m not going to link to it, ’cause I don’t want the woman to accuse me of unleashing the Surf Report army on her ass, but I apparently committed the crime of mocking a category of human you’re never supposed to mock. Heh. I knew it was only a matter of time…
Duff is now writing a column for the New York Daily News, and this is her debut. She also has a book in the works, which is gonna be really cool. I’ll keep you guys updated on it. It’s right up our alley…
Toney, the boys, and I went to see Super 8 a few days ago, and had a great time. I thought it was a blast, and loved the 1979 setting. It was supposed to feel like a vintage Spielberg summer blockbuster, and they pulled it off. I recommend it.
While watching the film I ate a giant box of Bottle Caps, which Toney smuggled into the theater inside her purse. She had a buffet table of stuff in there, including several bottles of iced tea. I was expecting to see a rotisserie chicken, but that never happened. Unfortunately.
For a Question, I’d like to know about your theater food-smuggling habits. What do you usually sneak in? Also, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen a person eat or drink inside a movie theater? A plate of spaghetti, perhaps? We used to sneak bottles of Miller High Life into theaters, and roll the empties down the full length of the place. For some reason we thought that was the absolute pinnacle of comedy.
So, if you’ve got anything on that subject, please use the comments link below. Also, have you visited a drive-in theater lately? People bring gas grills to those things now, and fry up burgers! How long before that starts happening at regular theaters?
This is a quickie (again). Please take up my slack, and tell us your stories.
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…
Oh was that woman who wrote the review another one of Steve”Guitar” Miller’s secret love children? 😛
It’s easy enough to find with a google search. It’s not like she was writing for the NY Times, just another asshole with access to the internet, to paraphrase Mr. Kay.
Please don’t comment on her site. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned it….
Yeah… i read her review. she’s a nutter. ignore her, jeff.
Trying to explain the subtleties of your … self… is like trying to explain why there’s a ban on katey perry in my life to my girlfriend.
why does my girlfriend not understand how important it is to avoid shitty music?
WHY?!?!?!
When Katy Perry sings about love, she has Russell Brand in mind. That should be enough to ban her, all other things be damned.
I only like Katy Perry occasionally to work out too, but that’s it. Someone saying ‘inject me with your love and fill me with your poison’ in reference to Russel Brand is disturbing. He just seems so…dirty to me.
By the way, I read her review as well, and I lost interest in her ranting half way through. I skipped down to the last paragraph, and the comments which were basically just tearing her apart. Don’t let it bother you Jeff, there’s always going to critics, and lonely old cinical assholes who have nothing better to do. You have the surf report with hundreds of followers and fans, and she has, 4 comments disagreeing with her. Pass the beer nuts.
Tird!
Guess you know that large parts of Super 8 were filmed in Weirton WV!
my son smuggled hot dogs from a gas station into a theater in his sisters purse. I am not sure what surprised me more–the fact that he brought them or that his sister let him put them in her expensive bag.
Oh yeah, don’t whine. Someone will use a three year old term to describe how they perceive it.
Theater here let’s you bring in stuff like Taco Bell if you want to. No need to smuggle.
Thank God you’ve written an update. I was beginning to have morbid imaginings, including Nancy burying you alive in a compost heap. I don’t smuggle food into theaters, because I like popcorn and ridiculously overpriced drinks. I only go to the theater about twice a year, though. Just went to see The Hangover 2, and I”m waiting with bated breath for The Deathly Hallows. After that I probably won’s see the inside of a theater for another 6 months. We divide movies into “go see” and “Netflix,” and very few make the go see list.
Speaking of The Hangover, did you know that the guy that plays Chow (he also played an obstetrician in Knocked Up) is a board certified physician? He’s still licensed to practice in the state of California.
Just watched The Hangover 2 last night. Some really funny parts. As usual, the funniest scenes were during the credits. The guy that plays “Chow” is all over the place. Pretty cool.
I didn’t necessarily smuggle them in, but I would ALWAYS get Jawbreakers because mom told me not to. I just enjoyed the danger of possibly choking on one while laughing.
She probably told me not to get them, hoping that I would because she had a huge life insurance policy on me…or somehting!
Frankly, I didn’t even like the nasty things.
I got kicked out of a movie theater for bringing in my own food. I told them their concession stand prices were too high, and besides, I hadn’t had a good barbecue in a long time.
-Stephen Wright
I rarely go to the movies but I usually smuggle in a flask of rum, buy a large coke and sip!
I’m probably alone on this, but I don’t like the thought of eating in a dark theater. I always feel like a mouse or rat will run up my pants leg or that I’ll step on a tail. Or that someone behind me while punt some vermin down on my neck.
Come to think of it, I don’t eat while watching TV either. Not that I’m afraid of mic ein my house but I never got into that habit. For chrissakes, a movie is 2 hours – I can wait for a snack.
I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as “a category of human being you’re never supposed to mock”, so just let it roll.
When I was in my late teens, my step-mom would literally pop a couple of bags of popcorn in the microwave just before we went to the movies and stick them in her backpack-turned-purse. We’d always get a snicker (or a disapproving look) from the people sitting around us when we’d rip open the bags with “Orville Redenbacher” emblazoned on the side, but we never cared.
Our whole family of 5 went to see Super8 over the weekend too (I am the Toney of the family) so I stopped by the convenience store to fill my purse up with something for everyone. I had 5 water bottles, Twizzlers, peanut M&M’s, Sugar Babies, & Caramel Creams. My shoulder hurt by the time I dragged my purse (which seemed like it was the size of a garage bag) into the theater. I am always worried that an over-zealous-teenage-movie-theater-security-cop is going frisk me in front of the family and escort me out. My daughter makes fun of me because I always have the money ready so I don’t have to open my purse for the tickets!
I don’t go to the theater very often but when I do I usually bring a jar with premixed dirty martinis.
I wouldn’t worry much about that review-she has never even had a comment so I’m guessing there’s not alot of foot traffic over there. She reviews the “Sword of Shanara” on the same page
There’s no such thing as a dirty martini. There are martinis, and then there is vodka with crap in a martini glass.
I like olives.
The martini glasses at my house are just for decoration. They’re too wide and shallow, just end up with cold gin on my shirt.
Let me guess, some self important cunt didn’t like the fact that you picked on the “fat lady” even though you went out of your way to make the point that her heft wasn’t the main problem. Let her fuck cake, is what I say.
I was sitting in the movies one time and this dude pulled out a huge over-sized bottle of wine or champagne or something. He swigged it the whole time and I walked past his empty on the way out (he left it in one of the fold up chairs beside him). Damned thing had to be a gallon or more.
One time (maybe when I went to see JFK) at the movies this lady pulled a block of plastic wrapped cheese and a sleeve of crackers from her purse. She was slicing off hunks of cheese with a pocket knife, and her kids were stuffing down cheese and crackers like they hadn’t eaten in days. Luckily, they polished it off before the previews were over.
I don’t sneak food into the movies. I don’t care if others do, I just don’t have the energy to plan ahead like that. I only go to the movies a couple of times a year, so I don’t really mind being raped at the popcorn stand. I do, however, usually take my “Fleshlight” whenever I go, but that doesn’t really count because my “Fleshlight” goes everywhere with me.
I think she should fuck a hot fruit filled pie, myself. Something that will give her a nice, festering blister on her hoo ha.
Well, that explains the sticky floors.
Lol, in one of the comments she says, ‘make sure you don’t go to the website the reporters will just tear you apart’. Ha.
Sticky floors? No, not me. What happens in the Fleshlight, stays in the Fleshlight.
Sorry. That was sick. I don’t actually own a – oh nevermind.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to die on the way to GABP. My DD is sending and reading emails.
It’s been a couple of years since I’ve been to a movie but I generally don’t buy anything there, I don’t think I’ve ever smuggled anything in.
My buddy Breeze and I used to sneak an entire case of beer into the movies. He was in a wheel chair. We’d put it under his ass and throw a blanket over his lap. It’s not like he could feel the cold on his balls.
In the movies, it’s better to take bottles of beer rather than cans. They open a lot quieter.
Microwave popcorn is a staple, along with cans of soda or juicy juices, and at least one source of chocolate.
We even have a special “smuggling bag” at the ready by the back door for this expressed purpose. It’s a black tote with the logo of a conference on it, so it’s not too emasculating even when I’m the one doing the smuggling.
And I never, ever, give a shit about doing this. The prices for food and drink in a commercial theatre amount to wallet rape no matter how small the purchase.
We have one independent theatre in our town that has very reasonable prices for its snacks, and we never smuggle anything in there. It’s actually a pleasant experience to load up on jujubes, m&ms, etc., at a fair price.
RIP Clarence Clemons…
Oh, and rolling the cans down the aisle can be fun, but it doesn’t work well in the newer stadium seating theatres (crash boom bang),
I just found out that I suffer from emetophilia. I got it bad, real bad.
I wish I had never googled that. now it will be in my history.
Would you say that it makes you sick? Please, do tell.
We went to the x-rated movie house (The Lyric) once when we were of age and took in a jar of heated mayonnaise and spoons. We flung mayonnaise during the feature.
That is brilliantly disgusting!
Went to an X rated theater. Tried to roll a beer can down the isle. The can got stuck on the floor mid way down.
Went to an X rated movie house. Tried to roll empty beer cans down the isle but they got stuck half way down.
the woman that owned that theater had a hugh ass satellite dish at her house and used to record movies from the TV and play them at the Lyric. I put a stop to that because I repossed her satellite dish while working for a local finance company!
I usually just get theater popcorn and soda for around $110. Not bad for a Friday date night.
$110 !!!!!! That must be some good shit !
My buddies will typically smuggle in pop bottles to use as spitters during the movie, and I’ve been known to fill a bag up with M&M’s and skittles and randomly pop them in my mouth during the movie– If I do buy concession food, it’s typically sno-caps, because they’re delicious and hard to find elsewhere, even the knock off brands. The drive in is a different story though…we fill up an entire bed width toolbox with ice and beer and bring a grill and hot dogs…they never seem to mind unless you have a flare up with the grill, and then everybody gets all pissy.
When I first moved to San Fran, there was a movie theater that showed $1.50 double features of second-run movies, called the St. Francis. It was on Market Street, just a half-block from Sixth, which was the shittiest, most homeless-filled part of town. I had to dodge piles of shit just to get there.
There was a Taco Bell 3 or 4 doors down. I’d buy 6 or 7 chili-cheese burritos, pile in a couple of 40s of King Cobra malt liquor into my back pack, and stay for 3 or 4 movies for a buck fifty.
Good times.
Joe
Good to see you back Jeff, hang in there..
The classic, CLASSIC action movie “Chill Factor” (with Cuba Gooding Jr.) did some filming in my state, and the small company I worked for did the graphics for the ice cream trucks featured in the movie.
When it was released, some of us who had worked on the project went to the theater supplied with liquor to add to our drinks. By the time the scene came up where the ice cream truck with our lettering on it went ker-blooey. we whooped and applauded with abandon.
Our noise didn’t bother anybody – we were the only ones in the theater. Not a big hit, I guess!
The last time I went to a theater, a neighboring patron pulled out a foot long Subway sandwich and began chowing down. That was the stinkiest, onion-reeking mess I’d ever smelled. Maybe why I don’t go out to movies much anymore. I can stay home and experience bad smells for a lot less money.
I’d rather buy popcorn and soda at the theater for $110. Not bad for a Friday date night.
F’n moderation bullshit…posted my comments 4 times.
Found Dto!
You guys have fun! Take us a fish pic.
Fun had! Pics taken!
YES! I had a blast WB. I just got home. I hung a bit downtown. …ahem…Great to meet you and yes folks…pics.
Welcome back, Jeff.
I rarely go to movie theaters, and when I do I can wait a couple of hours for a snack. One of my favorite venues is the Cinema ‘n Draft House, where you can see old or second-run movies cheaply, and have a beer.
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Miller High Life pony bottles (remember them?). Once the Qweezy Mark, myself, and our band of knucklehead friends, went with about 30 pony bottles. I wore bib overalls and was able to carry 14 in myself. Oh, there were bottles rolling down the theater that night.
I don’t get to the theater much and when I do I am usually taking the kids. The last thing we saw was the Hannah Montana movie. Ugh.
I did smuggle in water bottles, candy, snack cracker packs, gum, mints, and caramel corn. After I had paid 70 bucks for one adult and three children there was no way I was buying the food there. I have my extra big purse to put everything in and I just put my money, DL, and tickets in my pocket.
You can’t make everyone happy. Especially a woman who reads trashy romance novels and writes reviews of them online.
My Google-Fu has let me down…I can’t find the review.
Thank you for using “fu” in this way. The tradition needs to be continued.
.
Actually I am kind of ashamed I used it at all.
they sell the same candy at the theater that they do at the 99c store…..
so we go there first.
and i only drink coffee and beer….
so i’ve been known to bring a 6er into the theater….
http://livingtheresurrection.typepad.com/resurrection_life/2011/05/crossroads-road-by-jeff-kay-a-review.html
A man of the cloth seemed to enjoy…
Mr. Fuzz…
It is very nice to hear your voice typed across the ether. How have you been?
jtb
This is a little of track but what the heck. the movie theaters in New Orleans serve frozen “drinks” at the theaters. Mostly margaritas & pina colada’s. Also one of the theaters has leather reclining chairs w/drinkholders, servers who come around and take your order and serve food and mixed drinks. They are the same price as a regular movie but show them a couple of weeks after they come out. Coolest thing ever!
I usually buy my soda and popcorn at the theater because the Tygart Valley Cinemas has THE best popcorn anywhere. The price and ticket cost are lower than anywhere else around, too. However, my candy is contraband and that doesn’t bother me.
Jeff…
At the risk of being serious, you do sound a little frazzled. We’re going to love you whether you get caught up on your stuff or not. The following prayer was written during WWII by the American Reinhold Niebuhr. It has since been adopted by 12-step programs, but whether you need one step or twenty, I think it offers a nice perspective…
.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”
.
Relax and breathe deeply from time to time. You have a terrific wife and great kids, and you have a job at a time when many Americans don’t. I know all the shit on your back is real, and I don’t minimize the smell. I just don’t want it to fuck up your health or your sense of humor.
Life is too short to learn German, and it is too short to let your problems define you. Joy commeth in the morning.
jtb
Oh and BTW, RIP Wild Man Fischer.
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I have a few really big purses, so whenever we go to the theater I always smuggle in a bottle of water or pop and candy of course. We don’t smuggle beer in anymore, mainly because beer makes me pee every 15 minutes.
Completely off topic, but a few guys I know who worked at Shell in the town I live in for YEARS, made a few ‘Shell safety videos’ a few years back, and I thought I’d share them because they are pretty funny. The humor in them seems to be right up the Surf’s alley. The cop in the first video actually lost his job for participating in it, which sucks, but oh well. Enjoy.
http://youtu.be/d23DIaqCuXo
http://youtu.be/dU_a2dw8LkI
Surf Reporters: Dateline 6/20/11, 11:56.
Initial thoughts; I’m back in the comfort of my own bunker sipping a high ball, if dto invites you down for a drink, don’t pass up the chance. I wish our seats were nearer by, because I could have spent the entire game shooting the breeze with him.
I’ll relay more as time allows. I’ll end by saying I wish I had drove myself and had Tuesday off work.
High Ball? Jeez, I haven’t heard that in ages! Thanks for the nostalgia!
You realize we need photographic evidence from the game, yes?
My grandmother thought ordering/drinking a High Ball was the height of sophistication….along with her white gloves
I had no idea highball was perceived as an antiquated name. I drank highballs through the first term of the Clinton administration, and the name was perfectly good then.
If the term has lapsed, I think it’s high time we revive it. Just so we’re all clear, it’s “highball”, one word, no caps; it’s a drink containing booze and a non-alcoholic mixer.
Next time you visit your local bar, use the term as often as possible. This is a word that should not die.
jtb
I enjoy a cuppa two tree highballs most evenings. My preference is the summertime gin & tonic. Preferably a T&T highball.
my personal best in highschool, three buddies and I smuggled a 20 piece bucket of kfc and a twelve pack of coors into the theatre
Hey folks…click on that blue dto. I put up some pics of me and WB. I know Jeff is busy so I thought what the heck.
And Jeff…how’s Andy?
i smuggle in little airplane bottles of liquor. on sunny in philly charlie to spaghetti to the theater.
man i bruise easily
I’m suprised to see only one comment on Super 8, it was practically filmed in my backyard (Weirton/Wheeling area) and some of the buildings shown I have worked in for the last 3 years. Good movie, good scenery watch it!!!
Hey Erik
Dan from Wellsburg here. How are you. Tell Peasano I said to go fuck himself. By the way, my buddy Dave was just elected Mayor. Tell him I said hello.