I took half-a-day of PTO at work yesterday, and came home at lunch. The plan was to hit the sack early, and be up and at ’em by 6 AM. My to-do list continues to grow, and I wanted to maximize my weekend.
However… I had trouble sleeping. I tossed and turned and thrashed. My mind was running wide-open, and focusing on the negative. I was worrying myself awake.
Eventually I sighed theatrically, and threw in the comforter. I went downstairs and finished reading this book, which I highly recommend. It’s a mainstream mystery, with a fantastic narrator. He’s a bit of a fuck-up, a bit of a scumbag, and totally hilarious. The unforced humor reminded me of Charles Portis, who is one of my favorite writers.
I used the book’s ending as a signal to try to sleep again, and got the same results. I couldn’t escape the low-grade panic I was feeling, and wasn’t able to achieve unconsciousness. I tried that trick where you relax part-by-part, starting at the toes and working upward. But it was no good, and I returned to the living room with my Kindle.
I started reading this book, about Columbine. And before I finished the first chapter, Toney was coming down the stairs. “What the hell’s going on?” she said, still half-asleep. “Why do you keep getting into bed, then getting out?” My sleeplessness had apparently gone viral.
I ate a Jethro Bodine-sized bowl of Rice Krispies, and we talked for a while. Then I realized I was starting to get sleepy, finally. I looked at the clock and it was now 3:30 AM — almost the exact time I go to bed when I’m working. Hilarious.
“Let’s go, Andy!” I said, and Black Lips and I retired for the evening. And this time it took.
Of course Toney was now up for the day… at 3 in the morning. And I pretty much wasted five hours of PTO, on worrying and being a fragile little Nossy-boy.
But that’s OK. I’m going to hit the Mega Millions jackpot on Friday, and most of my troubles will be over. Oh sure, I’ll still be fat and old, with a questionable personality. But once we’re living care-free in our new penthouse apartment in Buckhead Atlanta… I’ll sleep just fine, thank you very much. Of course I haven’t bought any tickets… yet my odds are still roughly the same as someone who bought 100 of them. Heh.
Today I took my car in for front brakes. A few weeks ago I got an oil-change and tire rotation, and the guy said I needed new pads and rotors ASAP. I’ve been calling around for prices, and Pep Boys was by far the cheapest. Most were in the neighborhood of $300 to $350, but the guys today did it for $217 – tax included. And now it feels like a new car again.
The first price they quoted was $224 plus tax, and it turned out to be less, because the rotors weren’t as expensive as he thought. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Getting a customer’s OK on a price, and charging less than that number? I haven’t. Especially not a car repair place.
We’d been going to a garage near our house for more than ten years. The guy who managed it was great. He was honest and friendly, and often did minor repairs for free. He was one of those rare mechanics you feel lucky and privileged to know. It felt like he was on our side.
Hell, he even came out in a truck and rescued me on I-81 once, when my alternator shit the bed. And what did he charge? Not a thing.
But he left about a year ago, and it’s never been the same. The new manager is friendly enough, but I don’t consider him an ally. I think he’s just a standard squeeze-every-dollar-possible style of asshole.
Toney went in there a few months ago in a panic, and he took advantage of the situation and charged her way too much. Of this I am convinced, and he can ram it deep and on a slant. We will never return to his little den of rip-offs. For ten or eleven years they got ALL of our business, and now they’re going to get none of it.
The other guy rescued folks on the interstate, and this one up-charges people in vulnerable situations. He can go fuck himself.
But I’m liking Pep Boys, so far. Their pricing, anyway. The store is a little bizarre, like a throwback to a different era. They sell fuzzy steering wheel covers, air fresheners to hang from rearview mirrors, and those folding reflector screens for the inside of your windshield on sunny days. I didn’t see them, but they probably sell The Club, as well. I felt like I’d passed through a time portal.
In any case, my brakes are back to normal, and I don’t feel like I got bent over a couch in the process. I’m sure a few of you will tell me I’m mistaken, though. And I’m always very appreciative when that happens.
Before I call it a day here, I’d like to share a few links with you guys.
The first is a post at Metafilter, by CitizenX. She linked up several of our fast food articles, and it led to a tsunami of traffic last night and this morning. Now a few other blogs have noticed us, and it’s a beautiful thing. Thanks, Ms. X! It’s much appreciated.
Also, metten has posted a lengthy article at Mockable, about the future of that website, and also some bad shit that’s happened in his life recently. Metten is a long-time friend of the Surf Report, and I hope you’ll hop over there and read what he has to say. He’s a good guy, and I wish him nothing but the best. If you want to help “unfuck” metten, here’s your link.
And finally, here’s something I think you guys will enjoy. The folks over at SoGoodBlog are running a “candy madness” tournament. It’s underway, but there’s still plenty of time to vote and participate. You can view the brackets here. May the best candy win! And be sure to add SoGood to your RSS reader, or bookmark it, or whatever. They’re good people.
For a Question of the Day, let’s go with the tried and the true: What would you do if you won the massive Mega Millions lottery on Friday? I’d turn in my two weeks notice (I have no axe to grind, and would work another month or more if they asked…), and move to the South. And we’d travel. Nothing too crazy… just a stress-free life, and global exploration. Ahhh, yes.
But what about you? Please tell us in the comments section below. And I know it’s a predictable question, but that’s the way it goes sometimes.
I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
Podium! Haters go back to bed.
$217 for a set of rotors and pads? what are you driving, a huffy? It’s like flying to LA on Spirit air for $39. The grim reaper’s to do list just got a little longer.
The first thing I would do is to email that special someone with the wonderful news and ask “Aren’t; you glad you dumped me?” Then I would figure out how to take care of my family and friends and set up a foundation to do as much good with all that money as possible.
Some Guy on the Innernets says
If we hit the Lotto, I’m pretty sure me and the missuz would get us one of them motorhomes so we could wander around the country solving mysteries. And working on our tans. I’d get me some new shoes, too I guess. Ones that don’t squeak.
Sam in Massillon says
Even if I won money, I wouldn’t quit my job, travel or move. If I did in two weeks it’d be like that scene from Ace Ventura. “They” (someone with a uniform) would find me balled up in the basement in a tutu stabbing the eyes out of Justin Bieber posters.
Actually, I like trains. I’d buy a small section of track with some good solid customers and one engine and just drive up and down the line all day. I’d still run the business, but have fun doing it. Maybe I could paint an engine like Thomas or something and offer to haul kids around.
Yea, Id also buy a convenience store. One of those ones with the huge rack of smokes over the counter and the coolers of milk and beer in the back. I’d work at the counter and be nice to people while not giving one tiny fucklett all day.
With the Mega Millions the first thing I would do is unfuck Metten. Then I would buy me a super PAC and start my drive to outlaw the republican party and and spandex for fat people,
I would totally unfuck Metton. I actually know quite a few people I could unfuck.
Crap. I got the moderation police on my butt.
Some co-workers asked around the office if anyone else wanted to join their lotto pool. I threw in $5 just so that if they won I wouldn’t be the only one still sitting at work like a chump.
If I/we win it’ll be some big donations, then travel to Japan via France with a ton of other places in between.
Miss Q says
If I Won the MegaMillions Lottery, by Miss Q
If I won the MegaMillions lottery, I would tell no one but Mr. Q and any offspring he and I may have (sworn to secrecy, of course). I would work for one more month on the pretense that I was taking a job in another state. Then, about half of it would go to charity (seriously, who needs that much money?). I would buy a big house here in Atlanta to serve as home base and would spend my time traveling the world and thorougly enjoying life.
Oh, and cars. I would buy lots of really cool cars.
We’ve come up with many versions of what we would do with the money. I think I would have a heart attack and it wouldn’t matter anyway because I’d be dead. We discussed moving to the high class area of St. Louis and living white trash style. We would not fit in there, even with all that money.
We would set up a fund of some sort to pay for our niece and nephews to go to college without loans. We’d give some money to our siblings and parents. Whatever house we ended up building, we’d have an in-laws quarter for them to visit whenever they wanted. I don’t think we’d go too crazy, but who knows.
Tracy in OH says
I don’t think too much would change if I won. I’m in the process of going to school now so I think I would keep on doing that just maybe get a different degree. Probably sociology. Love those classes but not much demand for it. I tutor right now and would probably keep doing that too. I like helping people one on one and it doesn’t feel like work.
But we most definitely would be taking a few kick ass vacations during the year. I would also buy one of those ice-cream places where you can get some grill food too or a food cart to take to county fairs. We’ve talked about it a lot and I think it would be fun enough to keep me busy and not let me go insane out of boredom.
Rat Bastard says
Oh, the hillbilly lottery dream: 2 weeks notice at the job, and I would use 1/2 a vacation day every day to sleep in. Work Noon to 4pm to get everything ready for my permanent absence.
Take care of my close family. Then buy some land in Appalachia, build a small cabin. Fortify it with hounds and even more firearms. Buy a tiny apartment in the French Quarter or nearby 9th ward as a 2nd home. Travel like hell, put out small runs (500 copies) of records by underground r’n’r bands I like on 7″ vinyl only. Get a 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner. Invest the rest of it (low risk only) and live mostly on the proceeds. Buy a beermeister and disown most the rest of the family so they don’t come sniffing around for money. Finally, call the ex and cackle like a sumbitch as I explain the winnings.
Probably die a year or two after that, knowing my tendencies.
Miss Q says
Your plan sounds damn near perfect.
Rat Bastard says
Thanks, Miss Q!
These words nearly made me blow peanut butter outta my nostrils…
“…call the ex and cackle like a sumbitch…”
Rat Bastard says
Glad to be of service…have a great weekend, Surf Reporters!
Roadrunner, Roadrunner. Going faster miles an hour. With the radio on.
I would give my 2 week notice and immediatly take 2 weeks vaca, then go on permanent vaca. Buy a few homes in cool places like Fla. Keys, Cali, Outer banks, Curacao, and several more so we could just visit any time we felt like it. Ahh, the relaxing life!
WB in OH says
I would put in my two weeks notice but I would never step foot back in this building. I don’t have an axe to grind but I also have more than two weeks vacation left so if they need me they can call and I’ll help them out best I can. I’m rich and I got a lot of shit to do, starting with;
Sitting down with a reputable financial planner and turning that money into a perpetual fountain of cash. I read if you invested the whole thing after taxes at 3% you end up with about an 8 million a year income.
With the first million every year would go to my parents and the second would get split amongst my five siblings. Sorry, they’re going to have to share, 200k should free most of them up to do whatever they want. Third million would go to the WB charitable trust for distribution to my charity of the month. Next 5 are mine.
So once that was done, I would finish the remodel project on my house.
Then I’d buy a private jet and hire a pilot.
Then I’d travel.
Then I’d sign up for a new liver.
Wow, you imagine how much fun you could have on 5 million a year?
No way would I buy a bunch of property, with each one comes upkeep and more taxes. Funk dat, I’ll stay at the Hilton.Even if you stayed in a $500 dollar a day hotel all year it only set you back $182,500.
Shit, I need to get some work done. Good luck surf reporters!
And yes, I would unfuck Metten. And probably send you some money as well Jeff, can’t bear to see you get all Nossy.
i like to think id do the responsable thing and pay all my bills, buy a normal size house and normal cars, set up college funds yada yada and im sure id do all that but hubby and i would probably go nuts and buy all kinds of crazy shit. lol id deff take care of my family and make sure they were set.
At roughly 224 million in take home cash, even the most retarded will run out of things to buy. Unless you are a dodgers fan.
I’m in no less than 5 different pools for tonight’s drawing. Some that would probably get me around 5% of the total, some as much as half. What would I do? I can’t say until it happens. The one thing I wouldn’t do, quit my job. Nope, I’d stick around and see just how long it would take the assholes to fire me. And with nothing to lose and my normal everyday attitude it shouldn’t be long. Some of those stupid fucks I have to put up with would remember me for the rest of their careers.
I’d come into work with a half billion dollar attitude. A little pay back for the chip on the shoulder attitude the Mrs has on a daily basis.
Take care of a few close friends and family. Then try not to be stupid with the rest of it. But the first week would be a hell of a PARTAY.
Tipsey McChugney says
I cannot play mega-millions in the state in which I reside. Can someone here do me a favor and buy one of those mega-million lottery thingeys for me with these numbers:
4 28 35 39 42 46
I got these numbers out of a fortune cookie that had a prescient message about me, so they should do the trick.
Thanks in advance. I promise to pay you back for the ticket.
Tipsey McChugney says
If we win, then I’ll buy you a house in the same cul-de-sac with me.
I can’t play it in Nevada but I bought some online. 5 tix for 12 bucks or so. More expensive, but the peace of mind is worth it.
Even if I won all that money, it still wouldn’t bring back my cat who died about an hour ago. Fuckin’ sucks.
But if I DID win, I’d probably help the local animal shelter. and a few relatives and friends. That would be the last anyone heard of me as I would slip into anonymity.
Sorry for the loss of your pet, Madz.
Madz, sorry about your cat. I’ve never really been a cat person, but I understand pet people. We have a dog with a bad hip, and another with cancer who gets her chemo every 5 weeks now. Neither will probably be around this time next year, and the thought makes me unbelievably sad. When we got the boxer/pit bull mix (who now has cancer) ten years ago I really hoped at the time she would outlive me.
Sorry about your puppies. I know how that goes (had pets my whole life).
Madz…I’m so sorry about your little kittie. Bless his/her little heart.
If you win, shoot me note. That cat will walk again.
So sorry Madz.
Miss Q says
Sorry about your cat. It’s so hard to lose a pet.
Thanks, everyone. Your kind words are very comforting. She put up a good fight and was overflowing with love right up til the end.
So sorry about your cat. BTDT. (offers hug)
hot fuzz says
So sorry to hear Madz. They all go too soon.
The 4th Stooge says
I’d send in my no-day notice. The hell with this place, they’d given me no notice about the cut in hours (well, I guess I had a “Hey, today’s Friday, and this is going to start Monday notice”, so I guess I can give them the same.)
I’d know no one. That means, only immediate relatives (the ones I’m living with) would know. Immediate relative that doesn’t live with me would know but would be legally bound not to tell anyone else.
I heard on the radio that 9 out of 10 people are bankrupt the year after they win the lottery. Unless they had superastronomical medical bills, there’s no excuse for that. I mean, how much did they win? You win a $3 million jackpot, you’d probably have to keep working….unfortunately.
As for spending, I’d pay bills, live in the same house (I don’t want to do anything too stupid yet!), and pretty much live the same life for a while.
Help out family and friends (Metten of course) build a neighborhood of tiny houses in Cincinnati or St. Louis (www.tumbleweedhouses.com).
Buy lincoln’s bones.
fuck a midget
Pay joey votto to go to prom with me, then stand him up
buy a cul de sac and name it something rideeculous and then pay my family to live nearby (White and COLD!)
Two chicks at the same time
Buy a house in Belize
Buy a houseboat, travel up and down the Ohio river solving crimes.
Season tix for the Reds and Bengals.
And so on.
Why limit yourself to two? Three is the new two…and so on.
WB in OH says
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? What would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit.
Roghly 270 million take home now. The feds and whatever state you live in would split 193 million. Eat shit Warren Buffet.
I’d give about half of it away to friends, family & the needy.
And I’ll start by giving you ten-grand, Jeff – IF we win.
Phil Jett says
At my place of employment they are always throwing it our faces that we are employed “at will” and say that means they can let us go at anytime for any or no reason.
If I won, or our group at work won, we would let them know that door swings both ways. Good luck replacing 10 guys (who have to be certified) who cover the job 24x7x365 with no heads up motherfuckers.
Sounds like a shitty place to work. I don’t like threats.
Phil Jett says
It is shitty. Use to love my job, hate it now but can’t find anything that pays as much for the amount of time I spend here. Nine years to retirement benefits so I will be sticking it out.
I know that game.
Come on Mega Millions!
Because of the Bunker Cam, I now have Diet Pepsi splattered all over my iPad. LMAO!
The Qweezy Mark says
I would have the time to have Sandra Fluke caged in the town square as a testament to what social diarrhea looks like.
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme!
Then I would drive my Ferrari through the leftovers of the Occupy Movement.
Sorry for the politics, but right now, that would give me more satisfaction than a butt load of money.
Tipsey McChugney says
I hope there is a pill for whatever the hell ails you
The Qweezy Mark says
No ailments, I just take what I’ve earned and nothing more.
No pill for what ails me. But… there is an election coming in November!!!!!
I would buy the biggest, most obnoxious truck I could find, make it bigger and wider, put a big sign on the back window that says “FUCK POOR PEOPLE”, then spend my days driving up and down California highways at 10 under the limit, belching black diesel into the air, throwing dead baby seals out the window and offering any Mexicans I find a free ride back to Mexico.
Or I’d quit my job and travel. Either way.
WB in OH says
LMFAO>>>Also, see Tipsey’s reply up there!
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says
Should I win the big jackpot, I will continue to show up at my job. However, I will remove the internal filter/censor that stops me from saying things that would get me canned. Then, once they finally get tired of my shit, I’ll open or buy a pawn shop.
If I came into a ridiculous amount of money like that, the first thing I’d do is hire a top-notch financial advisor; this shit is way over my head. Second, I’d pay off the mortgages (and all other debts) of everyone I care about, including a college fund for my niece. Finally, create some sort of endowment whose purpose is to create income for me and my family. Only THEN start shopping for a (yacht, mansion, Veyron, whatever). I wouldn’t quit work right away, because I know I’d go batshit without having something to do every day.
Back here on Earth, my car’s registration expires tomorrow. I can’t renew until I get the emissions inspection, and I can’t do that until I can drive to the inspection station, which requires a car that will start. Once that’s taken care of, it will fail safety inspection for (yes) brakes. Luckily it’s the second car, rather than the *only* car. I know what I’m doing this weekend.
If I won, I would pay off all the bills, pass out some money to the parents and sibling, set up a trust fund for the boy, and then have fun. I probably wouldn’t quit my job, but I would start expressing those opinions I usually keep to myself. Then I would hire someone to answer the toddler every time he asks “why.”
Wife and I have been joking about this all day. Since she grew up 15 miles south of Wheeling, WV and I grew up 15 miles north of Wheeling, WV, we would move back to the Northern Panhandle. Build a really nice house near Wheeling on 40 or 50 acres, build a smaller house for the grounds keeper, the chef, and the live-in maid.
Set up 6 nieces and nephews with plenty of college money and buy of them all a house and a nice car. Set up three siblings with a couple million each.
Travel to Europe, Asia, Africa, Middle East, South America, Russia, Australia, and more. First class all the way. Two weeks travel, then a month or two back home to rest up.
I have a couple of buddies that have 3 or 4 kids that don’t make much money. They would get a fat envelope (duffel bag) with no strings attached. I would love to be able to do that for a few good guys that have been true friends of mine.
After that, I don’t know what else. Don’t want an airplane. Would kill myself in a really fast car (or end up in jail). Maybe sit on the back porch and drink myself to death.
Pep Boys? Really?
Real Auto Repair shops do not want customers like you. The guy that installed your cheap Chinese Brakes was asking you last week if you would like to Super Size your order. Great idea on the system that STOPS your car. Jeesh!
And the shop that did work for free? He is already out of business but hasn’t realized it yet. Find a good shop and build a relationship with them.