I’ve been proud of the fact that Metten and I haven’t missed a single day of posting at mockable. It’s been, what, a month? Five days a week, for a month? Pretty amazing.
However… I’m ruining the streak. This is game 57, I’m afraid. I have an update almost ready to go, but not completely. So, I’m the first to miss a day; I’m solely responsible for blowing our perfect record.
For better or worse, I’m comfortable in the role.
Speaking of Metten, he’s been secretly writing a novel. In fact, he’s not just writing it, he’s written it — the first draft, anyway. Which, you know, irritates me a great deal…
Anyway, he asked if I’d read it, and I told him it would be an honor. So, he printed out the manuscript, and mailed it to my luxurious fur-lined PO Box in Olyphant, PA. And I picked it up on Friday.
On the outside of the envelope, in red rubber-stamped block letters, it said: REWRAPPED BY THE PHILADELPHIA B.M.C. I don’t know what B.M.C. stands for… Big Men in Cocktail Dresses? I’m unclear on it. But I sure didn’t get a warm fuzzy feeling from those block letters, of that I was certain.
And when I opened it at home, my fears were confirmed. The thing looked like it had gotten caught up in a thrashing machine, or some other piece of equipment used in industrial farming.
The postal workers (Black Men in Career Pants?) sent me the original envelope, as a courtesy, and it was shredded, wadded, and apparently flattened by something heavy. I didn’t even know it was possible for a large balled-up envelope to be mashed so flat.
Frowning, I looked at the manuscript itself, and saw that it started on page 147. The hell? Was Metten attempting some kind of weird experimental shit, here? Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to read it, after all… But when I saw that the second page was 23, I realized everything was mixed-up.
So I sorted it out, wrinkled page by wrinkled page. What a mess. Some were upside down, others were folded in half, and everything, almost literally, was out of order. How is that even possible? How could every single page be mixed-up? Had it exploded from a machine, high in the air, like the contents of Costanza’s wallet?
Three pieces of paper even had footprints on them… Adidas, I think, size 10.
About twelve random pages were missing completely, and Metten (between fucks and goddammits) scanned them and emailed ’em to me. Today I think I have the complete book, and suspect it’s roughly twice as thick as it was when mailed. You know, because of all the wrinkling and moisture-swelling.
Heh, it’ll be like reading something found in the walls of an old house. It’s on the table behind me right now, and every once in a while I can hear it crackle.
What do you think? Bloated Mexicans in Corduroy? Is that who repackaged Metten’s book? Please help me understand.
Also, on a completely unrelated note, what’s the most unusual or remarkable thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom? I thought of this one at work last night, and couldn’t believe we hadn’t covered it before. It was one of those Eureka moments!
Toney tells a story of walking into a bathroom at a rest area somewhere, and finding a shotgun blast of diarrhea on the wall, with a pair of men’s(??) underwear stuck to it. Can you top that one?
Use the comments section below. And remember, it doesn’t necessarily have to be disgusting, just something unusual or remarkable.
And I have to go. This is my Friday, and I need to get it in the rearview mirror.
See ya tomorrow, at both sites.
In a rest stop in MN written in tiny letters way down at the bottom of the partition. “You are now pooping at a 45% angle”
once found a rubber ducky happily floating in the toilet. i left it alone, it looked like it wanted to be there.
In the Santa Barbara, CA train station: beautiful Asian calligraphy in lieu of stall graffiti.
Buggered Mail Clerk?
I wish to change my entry:
Boy’s Masturbation Club
Bald Menstruating Chick
I will have to walk down the street and check out that train station.
Big Man on Campus
From the mens room in the Jersey Giant inToronto
“Whitby Pig Farmers and Nose Pokers”
Charles in PA says
Barack Makes Crack
Barack Masturbates Cautiously
When I worked at B.K Lounge so many years ago….some woman decided to take a diarrhea shit next to the door by the sink, damn woman. theres another one, but i don’t remember.
Ask Airandee about the snoring sounds coming from one of the stalls in the mens room at the office……
Bush Matriarch Creepy?
Phantom Railfan says
@Great Googly Moogly:
Sounds like your mail is being tampered with, which is a federal crime. Contact your postal inspector and request a full investigation. This happened to a neighbor when I was a kid, and it turned out a number of P.O. clerks were opening all sorts of mail looking for checks they could fraudualently cash. They may try to tell you it’s the sorting machines tearing the edges of the envelope, but don’t believe it; the postal service often tries to quash any criminal behavior in it’s ranks. Keep an eye out for similar slits on any mail that looks like it may contain a check, and save them for evidence.
Butcher Men with Cleavers
I don’t have a good bathroom story…
other than once at work (at which I am the only female), I walked into the bathroom to find a ruler on the counter. It’s the metal kind. 18″.
I went directly to my boss and kindly reminded him that a six inch ruler probably would have done the job. He claimed he was measuring toy cars. I know otherwise.
OMG Steve, you almost made me spit out my grape drank! When I read that story in the WVSR’s “best of” a couple years ago, I laughed so hard, I almost passed out! It’s a classic…a disgusting classic, but a classic none the less.
Not all people appreciate a story like that though. I found that out when I forwarded the link to a few people.
sister isabel says
Two things in the men’s room:
1) in fourth grade, big, fat sister barbara standing there making sure us boys were not talking while peeing. she walked in just as my buddy dave was trying to see how far he could pee by walking backwards from the urinal as he peed. he was five or so feet back when sister barbara walked in.
2) walked into a bathroom with motion sensor lights – it was pitch black, and the lights came on when i walked in. while peeing, heard someone in one of the stalls. apparently, he’d been sitting there long enough for the lights to go out.
I once entered a stall at a movie theater where the only thing missing was the newborn baby in the toilet. I got out of there right fast.
I just googled “weight lifter shitting out his organs” and somehow I ended up here.
Saw a sign in a restroom once that said, “Please do not put cigarette butts in urinals. It makes them soggy and hard to light.” I thought that was funny.
tom in cola says
“Save the Russian Jews” then underneath
“and redeem for valuable prizes”
Lol…. Man… the ruler thing is hilarious!!!
I used to be a manager at a well-known family restaurant and they used to bus in a vanload of mentally challenged adults once a week or so. One guy always got a double helping of corn with his chicken fried steak…. and then finger painted with his corny poo on the walls…. Thank God it was a guy (I never had to clean it up!)
I think eventually they told on him… but not before he gained a considerable reputation as “Corny poo man” in all the local restaurants.
Shortly after I read this yesterday my husband came home from work. And said that while he was in the bathroom at work some random customer came in to pee and said “My farts smell like Vaseline.” Needless to stay my husband did not stay around long enough to find out!
Shiny Rod says
Bulk Mail Center = BMC
Shiny Rod says
Buzzard Meat Chunks
Bowel Movement Check
Big Massive Cheeks
Butt Mag Chunker
Business Means Cash
Bush Masterbates Chaney
Bored Monkeys on crack
Brainless Mail Carriers
Charles in PA says
O good one Shiney Rod
Shiny Rod says
@Dogberryjr – That wasn’t a water fountain, that was a bidet for tall Germans.
Shiny Rod says
@– Steve – The Mac and Beef story was posted on the internet some years ago. Great story though…
Shiny Rod says
A note written on the top of a shitter stall:
“What are you looking up here for, the jokes between your legs”
Once, I went into a washroom and found a soap dispenser with SOAP in it, a paper towel dispenser with PAPER TOWELS in it and a sink with both HOT and cold running water! And they all dispensed!! Man, was I in shock.
My Mother in Law is a cleaner at the local shopping mall and she told me she had to do the “shitters” one day (yes she actually speaks like that) and discovered someone had smeared a gigantic turd on the back of the door. She even took a photo with her phone to show us (so thoughtful…). It got me thinking: What sort of person turns around and sees this great butt nugget and decides to pick it up (bare hands???) and smear it everywhere? Must be something in the water.