Last week I had to travel for work. They’re sending us, two at a time, to a sprawling city-sized building about five hours from here, for “management training.” I knew there would be approximately 35 people in the class, from all over the country. And, needless to say, I was mildly stressed about it for weeks in advance.
I’ve done this kind of thing many times – both traveled for work, and attended corporate training sessions. I’m not a complete bumpkin. But I don’t like going into situations unknown. Some of that “training” is seemingly designed to make a spectacle of everyone in attendance. I had visions of us playing Twister, or some shit, ending with me blowing the complete ass out of my pants or farting on the neck of an HR representative from St. Louis or whatever. I’m very good at creating scenarios in my mind in which I unwittingly do something horrible and unforgivable, that I’ll replay for the rest of my life.
But, as usual, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d imagined. So, I felt relieved and thankful at the end. I wonder how freaks who go into these kinds of things full of enthusiasm and optimism (freaks!) feel at the end? I bet guys like me come out ahead in that equation, right?
In any case, I’m going to bullet point this bastard, and give you my thoughts on a few key aspects of the trip. Then I’m going to return to my real job, and try to transition from a fuzzy world of theory to one of cold, hard reality. Let’s do it, shall we?
- I kinda sorta knew the guy I was traveling with, but not well. We work on the same shift, but in different departments. I liked him, but was a little concerned about us being trapped in a car together for five hours each way. What if the chemistry was off? It could be excruciating. But, as it turns out, the chemistry was right on the money. We laughed our asses off the whole time. Or talked about music. Or both. He was a great guy to travel with. I hope he felt the same about me. Hopefully he didn’t return home and launch into a ten-minute diatribe about “Jeff Kay, the biggest shitbag east of the Mississippi.” Have you ever been forced into travel with someone you didn’t like? I haven’t, not really. I’ve traveled with a few bosses, which is a little awkward. But, I don’t think I’ve ever been trapped on a work trip with a person I couldn’t stand. What about you?
- We had $75 each per day allotted for food. However, breakfast and lunch was provided at the meetings, as well as a kick-ass afternoon snack that sometimes included chocolate-covered strawberries. So, it was basically $75 for one meal. And we vowed to spend it all! I felt like it would be no problem, whatsoever. But we never made it. I never even came close, despite eating so much food I felt like I might need a wheelchair to get back to the rental car. If we’d had more knowledge of the local restaurants, we probably could’ve done more damage. I think we were in more family-friendly places. Booze would’ve helped too. Oh well. It was fun immediately going to the most expensive items on the menus, and going wild with it. I could get used to that kind of thing.
- I came downstairs at 6 am on Tuesday morning, and got a cup of coffee in the hotel lobby. The metrosexual behind the counter told me it was $7.99. I answered, “Are you serious?!” And he gave me a “do you fucking want it or not?” shrug. “Charge it to my room,” I told him, and shuffled back toward the elevator. Those places are just gouging corporations, coming and going. It’s disgraceful. I had one cup every day. And two on Thursday.
- I immediately jumped to many conclusions when I met the people in the class, and was right about most of them. However, a few folks surprised me. One guy seemed super-confident and full of swagger, and I involuntarily launched a squint of disapproval. But, he turned out to be one of the coolest guys there. In fact, most of the people were OK. All were smart and capable, that’s for sure. There was some phoniness, of course, which irritates me to no end. But it could’ve been much worse.
- I was on edge most of the time, during the classes themselves. There was always a possibility that I’d be forced into giving some snap opinion, or have to go in front of the class and engage in a corporate improvisation game. I hate that kind of shit, more than just about anything. One guy started calling on people at random (“What do you think about that, Nick?”). I immediately flipped over my name tag, so he couldn’t see it, and noticed a few other people doing it, as well. On the final day the woman said, “I’m going to put a few of you on the spot now,” and the Indian guy across from me muttered, in a thick accent, “Oh God, please no.” There’s a good chance we have wildly different backgrounds, and ended up in EXACTLY the same place. For four days, anyway.
- On the morning before we had to check out of the hotel, I clogged the toilet somehow. I don’t think I deposited anything especially remarkable that day, but the water went all the way to the rim and was swirling, threatening to go over. I looked around for a plunger, and didn’t see one. So, I just closed the lid and put that place in my rearview mirror. They probably had to take that room offline for a few days. As is my nature, I’m convinced it will lead to an uncomfortable conversation with my boss, human resources, and loss prevention today. I’m insane, right? …Right?
- During the class they tried to play Jason Headley’s work of genius, “It’s Not About the Nail,” but ran into technical difficulties. I’m not sure how they were going to tie it into the training, but it was queued up and ready to go. I wanted to shout, “I know him! He’s a friend of the Surf Report!!” But I refrained, which is undoubtedly a good thing. I’ll have to let Jason know about it, though. Crazy stuff.
And I’m going to call it a day, my friends. If you have any “traveling for work” stories to share, please do so. Also, if you’ve got anything to say about corporate training classes, we’d like to hear that, as well. I learned some stuff last week that will almost certainly be in the back of my mind as I interview people, and counsel employees. There was some value in it, I think. What are your opinions on that kind of thing? Use the comments section.
Have yourselves a great day! I’ll be back on Thursday. I’m vowing to get back to a predictable schedule now.
See you then!
Now playing in the bunker
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1st! Never happened before.
Work travel blows. That is all.
Last time I was supposed to travel to HQ for work, I stressed myself right into vomiting. At the airport. while boarding was happening. I did not end up going to HQ. My boss says I didn’t miss anything. 🙂
I’ve been enthusiastic about work travel before now, so can’t explain my reaction to this latest trip. Getting old and anxious sucks.
In the late 70’s, I had the bad luck to have travel the mideast doing techrep work on seawater distillation rigs. I was passing through Qatar after a job and got detained by the “authorities” for causing a ruckus….I had noticed that the desk agent (before e-tickets) had written “American” in Arabic in the corner of my ticket. The shit had just hit the fan in Iran and being ID’ed on my ticket seemed a bit odd and risky at the time. I told the guy to write a new ticket and he turned his back and walked away..I reached over and grabbed him to get him focused on my problem. Within 15 seconds, I was staring at a whole bouquet of small arms and assault rifles. They reissued me a ticket for the next plane out (Karachi) instead of my original destination, Amsterdam. then had a 14yr old rifle guy guard me just in case. A British agent finally showed, straightened things out and saw me on to my Amsterdam flight. Back in the day, Qatar seemed to be run by the Klingons….God bless the British.
Management circle jerk meetings….they seemed to get worse as my career progressed but the worst was one of my last meetings where everyone had to determine their Myer-Briggs type and then breakout into groups to discuss the implications for our organisation. The big boss changed mine and gave it back to me. I was now an introverted alcoholic with strong serial killer instincts or something. The implication for the organisation was that I was retired 6 months later. I probably should have called that British guy…
“Let’s play Twister, let’s play Risk yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah”
Annual work trip to Vancouver…socialist mecca of Canada. They have elevated passive aggression to passive arrogance. Five days of “reZources, So-rry, A-to-Zed” etc. On the bright side…no room share this year.
You just made me chortle out loud in my cubicle to “On the morning before we had to check out of the hotel, I clogged the toilet somehow. “
So this is how MY TAX DOLLARS are being spent? Work, it’s good for the soul..
It was during a BREAK! We have two breaks and a lunch to fart around on your dime!
I have never had to go to such things. But for the past couple of years we have been made to all get together for some sort of skills assessment and other such things. The other day we were told we have to go to one of those sexual harassment workshops again. I don’t know why. I can see if you are new – but I have been around a long time. And have had to go to a few of those sort of things by now.
So far I have managed to avoid being a manager, even at my advanced age. So, none of the garbage Jeff describes.
I have had three categories of work travel. First, going to customer sites for, um, actual work. Second, vendor training. Typically the vendor provides free training and certification on their equipment, but you have to get yourself to their facility. Often they feed you. Finally, our industry’s trade show, Infocomm. This has involved some asshattery now and then, since vendors throw parties for us (their dealers) and buy us drinks.
My current job has no travel anywhere, ever, and part of me misses it.
“I bet guys like me come out ahead in that equation, right?”
Absolutely. I’ve found that if I lower my expectations, I don’t get disappointed as much.
I travel domestically for work all the time… I have about 40 flights under my belt this year alone. I buy problem situations out of banks and then try to solve the problem or liquidate the asset. A few of my more memorable trips involved:
– walking into a vacant building where we encountered a working girl working
– finding a moonshine operation in the storage building of a Christian radio station
– riding with the principal of the company in ATL where he pulled to a stop in the right hand lane of 95 to take a call
– accidentally cussing out an Indian fellow at a convenience store for lying about his name when we were at the wrong store
– showing up to a 75% complete daycare center to meet the owner who lived on-site and became very obviously a pedophile
– having a high school teacher away at a student conference proposition me in a hotel bar
– being physically threatened by a developer
– accidentally checking into a hotel owned by a guy who I was suing and leveraging that into a suite upgrade
– checking a property that was abandoned by the owner to find all sorts of nasty, homophobic, racist shit written on the wall in crayon in a child’s bedroom
There are many more… those just jump out at first. Most of the time I travel solo, so I’ve never been too concerned about companions. I am usually traveling to testify, mediate, or negotiate. Those times when I’m not, though, have been interesting.
Oh! And texting while flying. I was in the company plane, up front, while the pilot was taxiing down the runway and responding to a text while the plane went off the runway… and on another private flight where we were flying into Destin Air Traffic Contol was on our 9 and the dyslexic pilot turned to his 3 to approach the Air Force Base while they prepared to scramble some jets to shoot us down… given the post I forgot about all the “getting there” stories I’ve built up.
I had to go to a corporate training deal in Portland Maine. I had a layover in Chicago and was jumped from behind while INSIDE the airport. The misunderstood hoodlums made away with a carry-on bag I had with me; which had a tablet, some per diem cash, toiletries, and personal items in it. I was rewarded with a broken nose and wrist and missed my flight. But after arriving in Portland the next day the bosses gave me a few hundred dollars cash to eat on and a steak dinner, which was nice. The guy I rode around with that day was constantly popping blueberries from a paper sack while driving. And he smelled of smoked meat. But he was nice enough.
“What if the chemistry was off? It could be excruciating. But, as it turns out, the chemistry was right on the money. We laughed our asses off the whole time. Or talked about music. Or both. He was a great guy to travel with. I hope he felt the same about me. ”
So, when are you gonna ask him out?
I’ve had a total of one work trip early in my career to cover a state tournament. I booked a room at the Red Roof Inn, being the good little penny-pincher that all newspapers covet (and that working in a dying industry nurtures), spending about $59 for a night. Only upon arriving did I realize it was in the dodgiest part of town. I saw multiple drug deals and other nefarious activity before I hunkered down for the night. Surprisingly, my car wasn’t broken into and my door wasn’t kicked in, so all in all, it wasn’t too bad. But I wouldn’t have done it again.
in 2007 and 2008 I did an insane amount of traveling for work. First we launched a new web platform that sucked then we rolled it back to our old platform and then relaunched all 22 sites on the newer platform from the original provider. I ended up in 8 different states; often repeatedly. On a trip to Colorado via Connecticut originating and terminating and mediating in Pennsylvania my luggage got lost. I rented a car and drove from PA to CT then turned in the car and flew from Hartford to PHL to Denver. I arrive for 3 days of business meetings dressed in jeans and a Jim Thorpe Old Jail long sleeved tee. My boss was far from amused. I was far from amused. A few months later we were flying from PHL to Quad Cities. Our flight got delayed then routed to Dayton OH then about 4 hours late we land in Chicago, where there are no more flights to Quad cities and the best reroute had us flying to Detroit and then back to Iowa and getting in at midnight. So my boss’s boss says we are driving. My luggage is no where to be found and the line to report it is 5 miles long. So I call someone and tell them you need to find my luggage while I drive to Moline – home of John Deere. Late that night I am at the local Walmart with my boss; his boss (A VP) and a colleague buying pants, underwear etc. Thank goodness I did; my luggage when it arrived was soaked. I opened it and took out a sweater and it was dripping wet. We hung my wet clothes on every dry surface in the room and went out to dinner. There we walked past the greenest indoor pool I have ever seen. It looked like Lime Jello. I had to pack my clothes into the ‘laundry bags’ to keep the wet clothes away from my new clothes for the flight home.
I have dozens of stories. We had an editor who decided to pretend that he wasn’t getting a new website (twice) and refused to schedule training and wouldn’t let us use the building. I stayed at a Hotel in Ohio that literally should have been on Live PD. And overhearing a conversation in a restaurant where a guy said he wanted Cornhole for his birthday which my Massachusetts boss and my Philly gal self thought was a horrible gift.
I was an IT contractor for about 10 years until we all rolled into a bridge abutment at the end of 2008. My last assignment was a telecom startup. Product goes live in their test market: Portugal and promptly shits the bed. So, it’s all hands on deck to work the bugs out. I took a team of testers from Seattle to Lisbon where we spent a month holed up in a hotel room like we we’re hiding from the mob.
We show up and there’s some weird hen house dynamic going on where four or five ladies – some employees of the startup, some contractors with another agency – decide me and my team (three dudes and one gal) are an existential threat or embezzled their 401Ks or some other irrational shit. I never did figure it out but they hated our guts the second we introduced ourselves.
We’re working 16 hour days and it’s Europe so around 6 pm we crack a few beers. Well, one night this guy I brought who is a brand new hire by my company gets himself POLLUTED on a bottle or two of port. He starts shit-talking the startup management, the end client and the hen house. The next morning I had to confiscate his laptop and put him on a plane. As you can imagine everything sort of went Apocalypse Now after that.
I was lucky. As the senior guy I got to be the gopher and run around town buying test phones, doing visa paperwork and so on. I only spent about 8 hours a day testing and stayed in a different, better hotel. But that trip stripped away any novelty business travel ever had for me whether it’s Lisbon or Knoxville. I couldn’t wait to get out of there and my company went off the rails about six months later when everybody cancelled their projects.