The weirdness that is my life… Right now Toney is taking a CPR class, our younger son is watching ancient Black Flag concert footage on YouTube, and the older boy is on the deck sanding a ukulele. And no, that’s not a euphemism. He’s literally sanding his ukulele.
I had a few beers last night, and it wasn’t much fun, unfortunately. The Dogfish Head 60 Minute Ale tasted great, of course, but I wasn’t in the best mood, and just wasn’t feeling it. And this morning I felt guilty for ruining my months-long streak of no beer. Wotta rip-off. Highly unsatisfactory.
Toney and I went to Best Buy a few days ago, to get the younger hooligan a new cell phone. I used to love that store, but rarely go inside one these days. And it’s really weird… They now sell all sorts of bizarre things, like office supplies, watches, exercise equipment, and candy. I’m fairly certain, if I’d walked around a little more, I would’ve found the produce section.
I was in Sheetz recently, getting a Dr. Pepper fountain drink (why is it so much better over ice?), and they were blasting some godawful techno dance shit, which was threatening to trigger a grand mal seizure. There was a guy standing near me, who was only fat from the waist down. Know what I mean? And I said to him, “Do they think people really like this kind of music?” His response? “Life’s a bitch, and then you die. Or you marry one, and wish you were dead.” What?
I guess there’s a scene in the new Captain America movie where the Cap’n appears in front of a bunch of sailors returning from sea. And they start yelling for him to get off the stage, and “bring out the girls.” Nancy’s kids were allowed to watch this movie — which amazes me — and were confused why anyone would rather see girls than Captain America. Nancy explained, “When men are out to sea for a long time, they crave love. And they’re hoping to find love with one of the girls. …Of course, it’s also OK if they found love amongst themselves.” I nearly choked on my meat loaf as Toney told me this.
I get to return to work today, after six days off. Even under normal circumstances I’d be sad, but there’s stuff going on there that cranks up the dread a hundred-fold. My stomach churns every time I think about it. It’s not supposed to be this way… I’m about ready to shit the credenza.
Speaking of that, I watched an episode of Louie a few nights ago that caused me to laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. It was one where he agreed to babysit some weird freak of a boy, named Never. The kid was along the lines of one of Nancy’s translucents, he wasn’t allowed to eat “carbon,” and the whole thing was just hilarious. If you haven’t seen it, trust me… it’s worth seeking out. Funnier than hell.
And I’m going to stop right here. I have some DVDs that need to be mailed, I want to set aside twenty minutes for a crying jag and a light lunch, then it’s back to work.
I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to a suppository inserter!
Hope work gets better soon.
Those places are desperate for sales.
I went into a Radio Shack the other day – and the dude behind the counter tried to sell me all sorts of shit.
Howdy!
I was in a supermarket the other day and saw a display of beer mugs. One said “Biker Chick” across it but goddamn it, it had a crack. I was going to buy it in your honor!
I went to Quaker STeak and Lube for some wings and saw that they had a Biker Chick salad.. made me think of BC
Awwwwww! So nice to know I’m loved!! Madz….you should have bought the mug. I have a few cracks too!
Lori – were you there Sunday? Maybe 4:00 ish? Wouldn’t that be cool if we were both looking at Biker Chick merchandise at the same time?
Bikerchick – did you get a “Woah, that’s fucking strange!!!” sensation Sunday?
Whoa!!! I’m starting to get the heebie jeebie’s here! That’s why my ears were burning and my nose was itchy!
Naw,, it was a couple weeks ago on a saturday.. Hey, if I say.. “I ate the Biker Chick for lunch today” you will know what I mean.. hahaha
Yes, I would.
Keep it out of the gutterm boys!
I am still trying to figure out why a goddam suppository inserter costs nearly 85 bucks.
This rising cost of healthcare is gonna destroy this great nation of ours
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
$85 for a finger?
You want a human toe? I’ll get you one this afternoon.
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…with polish. There are ways.
Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax! You’re goddamn right I’m living in the fucking past!
Can someone explain further evidence?
What’s to explain? You pay $125 to buy a mouthful of milk that a cute white girl from a wealthy family has gargled with. Pretty simple. (I’m partial to Ellie. Her mouthful of gargled milk is especially tasty.)
[http://www.whitepowermilk.com/collections/frontpage/products/ellie]
I’m having some of Sara’s milk shipped down. Notice that the price goes up $100 if your outside of New York? Shit!
http://www.whitepowermilk.com/collections/frontpage/products/sarah
Okay.
That….is very strange. Is it code for some type of contraband? An oddly veiled prostitution service? Someone in NYC order some and let us know…
I had a similar “what the hell did she just say?” moment on Friday as I was leaving work. I was wishing a few folks a nice long weekend and one girl with a thick – a little too thick – accent said something like “And Sunday will be extra wide.” I think the bitch tries to be misunderstood. A whack to the chops may bring her around.
Extra wide – I like that. It males sense in a strange kinda way.
^makes sense^ friggin cell phone keypads. 🙂
I probably would like it too, if I could stomach the witch who said it. But because I don’t like her, it immediately gets tossed in the “douche sayings” bin.
Maybe she’s like a cue ball?
The harder you hit her, the more English you’ll get out of her?
Or is that a Mexican? I forget.
Louie kills me… I watch every week & laugh harder than anything else I watch….
I have realized I’m not much of an IPA drinker. but the Palo Santo from Dogfish Head is amazing. I have been drinking a Creme Brulee stout that kicks ass!
Lucie,
Stop drinking beer. You’re doing it wrong.
I DRINK MY BEER JUST RIGHT……………. LOL…………
If you want to drink Creme Brulee stout, you drink it and tell everybody else to go fuck themselves!
Besides, that leaves more IPA for me. 🙂
That’s right! plus that creme brulee stout is a 9.6! Two glasses & I have one hell of a buzz!!! (and even my burps taste good… ha!)
I’m sorry.. Did you say Creme Brulee Stout?? I’m not a beer drinker and I’m embarrassed for you. Put down the beer and walk away slowly, Lucie..
It is truly excellent…. I love to try different beers (I have a Beer Bucket List) and the Creme Brulee is one of the best I have tried. (so go try a bottle, then if you don’t like it tell I’m wrong)
http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/3818/43687
Wait, I think I’ve had this at the Westover Beer Garden. It’s a delicious dessert beer, though I think I like it better in chilly weather like late fall or early spring.
Lucie, verb sap: you need to try Young’s Chocolate Stout. ABV is not so high, but it’s delicious.
I just learned that “verb sap” thing. I feel so erudite.
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Ditto on the Young’s Chocolate Stout!
I just found out today about Bacon Bourbon shots and now Chocolate Stout?? damn, i’m off to find some..
Love Young’s Chocolate Stout! Tampa may suck but there are alot of places to find a great beer!
Brass Tap: http://www.brasstapbeerbar.com/
Mr. Dunderbak’s: http://dunderbaks.com/
Cigar City Brewing: http://cigarcitybrewing.com/
Tampa Bay Brewin Company: http://tampabaybrewingcompany.com/brew_tour/
plus we have a Yuengling brewery here (I wanna go to pottsville!!!) http://www.yuengling.com/
I heard Ybor City is pretty good too.
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Best Buy and Radio Shack have started setting human traps every night. They come in the next morning to see if they’ve caught any customers.
I’ve been on a beer fast too. I decided to go to The Nook (over 400 beers!) on Saturday and had a couple of “Founders Devil Dancers”. Then I hated myself. It tasted a lot like shit might taste.
http://thenooktavern.com/TheNook/Welcome.html
I think some people must have a saying ready. And they unload it even if the conversation doesn’t make room for it. This has happened to me several times.
Well, if you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem.
My only prollem is that I care too much. I love too much.
I Hate Being Bipolar! It’s Awesome!
a lot of info in a few words
good update
please do not take firearms to place of employement today
Sheetz plays that crappy music to try to discourage kids hanging around the store and parking lot. It’s supposed to make them want to leave. Most of them are so high or drunk that they don’t even hear it. Try working with that shit blasting in your head for an 8-hour shift. Not fun.
I have not seen a Sheetz (or Sheetz’s’s as it was pronounced locally) since I moved away from Western MD back in 2003. Do they still have schmuffins?
Just as well there is no Sheetz near me. But last I checked, they did still have shmuffins and their hash browns were still god-fucking-awful.
Jeff, don’t sweat the beer; you’re out of practice, after all. In time it will come back to you. And I hope you got those DVDs returned; you don’t want to end up like Nicolas Cage. And what’s with his nonstandard spelling, anyway?
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we worry about you Jeff. Oh yes we do. Pretty son it’ll be YOU out back sanding a ukelele singing songs of the old west into Andy’s tail while guzzling a litre of Molson, and there will be nothing else for us to do but stage an intervention.
And it involves Nostrils, and where those stolen cookies went.
Don’t make us go there.
pretty SOON, dammit!
Is that fabric with Velcro at the base of that suppository inserter? Nice sanitary design. In West VA, I’ll bet they’d call this a “city boy” shit stick. Break me off a bit of that early corn boy, ‘lemme show ya how we loosen things up around these here parts.
Jeff
I love you. You started this off and I was thinking stop being a bitch but you really know how to rein it in and come through.
Some days you are.my alison Rosen
Potty Pax to the Max!
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Potty Pax is ridiculous. Instead of wiping down the shitter and throwing the paper in and being done, they expect you to cover it with a piece of cloth and then wipe the cloth off, stick it in a “reusable” bag, then take it all home to be laundered.
sanding his ukelele – it is PERFECT for a euphanism.
buttering his toast
watching clockwork orange
having cheese whiz on his celery
rotating his tires
turning on the sprinkler
defrosting the fridge
opening a can of spam
finding the square root of 15
watching the news
checking the glove compartment for a recent map of the area
doing long division
changing the batteries in the flashlight
testing the smoke detector
using lemon pledge to give the coffee table a certain lustre
the more non-nonsensical the better?
I’m Ron Burgundy?
Hi, good to be back. I missed you. I’ve just started 3rd year University so reading this may be sporadic. Anyway I found the program the BBC did on E and his dad. It is on Youtube in three parts. Check it out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnnA3sgMXCI
I’m changing my name to Hender Boo Boo Child
See what I did there?
Why come my baby can’t eat ribs?
wonder if I can change my name to WBoo Boo Child?
WOOO HOOO!