• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

The West Virginia Surf Report!

Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

  • Home
  • About
  • Best of
  • Books
  • Archives
  • Donate

Seven Paragraphs About Seven Different Things

September 4, 2012 By Jeff 58 Comments

The weirdness that is my life… Right now Toney is taking a CPR class, our younger son is watching ancient Black Flag concert footage on YouTube, and the older boy is on the deck sanding a ukulele.  And no, that’s not a euphemism. He’s literally sanding his ukulele.

I had a few beers last night, and it wasn’t much fun, unfortunately. The Dogfish Head 60 Minute Ale tasted great, of course, but I wasn’t in the best mood, and just wasn’t feeling it.  And this morning I felt guilty for ruining my months-long streak of no beer.  Wotta rip-off.  Highly unsatisfactory.

Toney and I went to Best Buy a few days ago, to get the younger hooligan a new cell phone. I used to love that store, but rarely go inside one these days.  And it’s really weird… They now sell all sorts of bizarre things, like office supplies, watches, exercise equipment, and candy.  I’m fairly certain, if I’d walked around a little more, I would’ve found the produce section.

I was in Sheetz recently, getting a Dr. Pepper fountain drink (why is it so much better over ice?), and they were blasting some godawful techno dance shit, which was threatening to trigger a grand mal seizure. There was a guy standing near me, who was only fat from the waist down. Know what I mean?  And I said to him, “Do they think people really like this kind of music?”  His response? “Life’s a bitch, and then you die. Or you marry one, and wish you were dead.”  What?

I guess there’s a scene in the new Captain America movie where the Cap’n appears in front of a bunch of sailors returning from sea.  And they start yelling for him to get off the stage, and “bring out the girls.”  Nancy’s kids were allowed to watch this movie — which amazes me — and were confused why anyone would rather see girls than Captain America.  Nancy explained, “When men are out to sea for a long time, they crave love.  And they’re hoping to find love with one of the girls. …Of course, it’s also OK if they found love amongst themselves.” I nearly choked on my meat loaf as Toney told me this.

I get to return to work today, after six days off.  Even under normal circumstances I’d be sad, but there’s stuff going on there that cranks up the dread a hundred-fold. My stomach churns every time I think about it. It’s not supposed to be this way… I’m about ready to shit the credenza.

Speaking of that, I watched an episode of Louie a few nights ago that caused me to laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. It was one where he agreed to babysit some weird freak of a boy, named Never.  The kid was along the lines of one of Nancy’s translucents, he wasn’t allowed to eat “carbon,” and the whole thing was just hilarious. If you haven’t seen it, trust me… it’s worth seeking out. Funnier than hell.

And I’m going to stop right here. I have some DVDs that need to be mailed, I want to set aside twenty minutes for a crying jag and a light lunch, then it’s back to work.

I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to a suppository inserter!

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on Pinterest

Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. WB in OH says

    September 4, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Hope work gets better soon.

    Reply
  2. Ognir says

    September 4, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Those places are desperate for sales.

    I went into a Radio Shack the other day – and the dude behind the counter tried to sell me all sorts of shit.

    Reply
  3. bikerchick says

    September 4, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Howdy!

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      September 4, 2012 at 2:32 pm

      I was in a supermarket the other day and saw a display of beer mugs. One said “Biker Chick” across it but goddamn it, it had a crack. I was going to buy it in your honor!

      Reply
      • Lori in cbus says

        September 4, 2012 at 9:43 pm

        I went to Quaker STeak and Lube for some wings and saw that they had a Biker Chick salad.. made me think of BC

        Reply
        • bikerchick says

          September 5, 2012 at 9:35 am

          Awwwwww! So nice to know I’m loved!! Madz….you should have bought the mug. I have a few cracks too!

          Reply
        • madz1962 says

          September 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

          Lori – were you there Sunday? Maybe 4:00 ish? Wouldn’t that be cool if we were both looking at Biker Chick merchandise at the same time?

          Bikerchick – did you get a “Woah, that’s fucking strange!!!” sensation Sunday?

          Reply
          • bikerchick says

            September 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm

            Whoa!!! I’m starting to get the heebie jeebie’s here! That’s why my ears were burning and my nose was itchy!

            Reply
            • Lori in cbus says

              September 5, 2012 at 7:11 pm

              Naw,, it was a couple weeks ago on a saturday.. Hey, if I say.. “I ate the Biker Chick for lunch today” you will know what I mean.. hahaha

              Reply
              • madz1962 says

                September 6, 2012 at 9:26 am

                Yes, I would.

                Keep it out of the gutterm boys!

                Reply
  4. Fancy Pants Maguire says

    September 4, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I am still trying to figure out why a goddam suppository inserter costs nearly 85 bucks.

    This rising cost of healthcare is gonna destroy this great nation of ours

    USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

    Reply
    • Henderson says

      September 4, 2012 at 8:17 pm

      $85 for a finger?

      Reply
      • chill says

        September 4, 2012 at 8:29 pm

        You want a human toe? I’ll get you one this afternoon.
        .

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          September 5, 2012 at 9:02 am

          …with polish. There are ways.

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            September 5, 2012 at 6:34 pm

            Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax! You’re goddamn right I’m living in the fucking past!

            Reply
  5. WB in OH says

    September 4, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Can someone explain further evidence?

    Reply
    • Swami Bologna says

      September 4, 2012 at 2:15 pm

      What’s to explain? You pay $125 to buy a mouthful of milk that a cute white girl from a wealthy family has gargled with. Pretty simple. (I’m partial to Ellie. Her mouthful of gargled milk is especially tasty.)

      [http://www.whitepowermilk.com/collections/frontpage/products/ellie]

      Reply
      • Jason says

        September 4, 2012 at 3:16 pm

        I’m having some of Sara’s milk shipped down. Notice that the price goes up $100 if your outside of New York? Shit!

        http://www.whitepowermilk.com/collections/frontpage/products/sarah

        Reply
    • WB in OH says

      September 4, 2012 at 5:19 pm

      Okay.

      Reply
    • weegleflip says

      September 4, 2012 at 5:21 pm

      That….is very strange. Is it code for some type of contraband? An oddly veiled prostitution service? Someone in NYC order some and let us know…

      Reply
  6. madz1962 says

    September 4, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    I had a similar “what the hell did she just say?” moment on Friday as I was leaving work. I was wishing a few folks a nice long weekend and one girl with a thick – a little too thick – accent said something like “And Sunday will be extra wide.” I think the bitch tries to be misunderstood. A whack to the chops may bring her around.

    Reply
    • MikeFromLI says

      September 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

      Extra wide – I like that. It males sense in a strange kinda way.

      Reply
      • MikeFromLI says

        September 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

        ^makes sense^ friggin cell phone keypads. 🙂

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          September 4, 2012 at 4:01 pm

          I probably would like it too, if I could stomach the witch who said it. But because I don’t like her, it immediately gets tossed in the “douche sayings” bin.

          Reply
    • Henderson says

      September 4, 2012 at 8:20 pm

      Maybe she’s like a cue ball?

      The harder you hit her, the more English you’ll get out of her?

      Or is that a Mexican? I forget.

      Reply
  7. Lucie in Tampa says

    September 4, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Louie kills me… I watch every week & laugh harder than anything else I watch….
    I have realized I’m not much of an IPA drinker. but the Palo Santo from Dogfish Head is amazing. I have been drinking a Creme Brulee stout that kicks ass!

    Reply
    • Pete says

      September 4, 2012 at 3:42 pm

      Lucie,
      Stop drinking beer. You’re doing it wrong.

      Reply
      • Lucie in Tampa says

        September 5, 2012 at 10:56 am

        I DRINK MY BEER JUST RIGHT……………. LOL…………

        Reply
        • WB in OH says

          September 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

          If you want to drink Creme Brulee stout, you drink it and tell everybody else to go fuck themselves!

          Besides, that leaves more IPA for me. 🙂

          Reply
          • Lucie in Tampa says

            September 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm

            That’s right! plus that creme brulee stout is a 9.6! Two glasses & I have one hell of a buzz!!! (and even my burps taste good… ha!)

            Reply
    • SaucyDeb says

      September 5, 2012 at 12:40 pm

      I’m sorry.. Did you say Creme Brulee Stout?? I’m not a beer drinker and I’m embarrassed for you. Put down the beer and walk away slowly, Lucie..

      Reply
      • Lucie in Tampa says

        September 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

        It is truly excellent…. I love to try different beers (I have a Beer Bucket List) and the Creme Brulee is one of the best I have tried. (so go try a bottle, then if you don’t like it tell I’m wrong)
        http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/3818/43687

        Reply
        • chill says

          September 5, 2012 at 5:56 pm

          Wait, I think I’ve had this at the Westover Beer Garden. It’s a delicious dessert beer, though I think I like it better in chilly weather like late fall or early spring.

          Lucie, verb sap: you need to try Young’s Chocolate Stout. ABV is not so high, but it’s delicious.

          I just learned that “verb sap” thing. I feel so erudite.
          .

          Reply
          • WB in OH says

            September 5, 2012 at 6:10 pm

            Ditto on the Young’s Chocolate Stout!

            Reply
            • Lori in cbus says

              September 5, 2012 at 7:13 pm

              I just found out today about Bacon Bourbon shots and now Chocolate Stout?? damn, i’m off to find some..

              Reply
          • Lucie in Tampa says

            September 6, 2012 at 8:59 am

            Love Young’s Chocolate Stout! Tampa may suck but there are alot of places to find a great beer!
            Brass Tap: http://www.brasstapbeerbar.com/
            Mr. Dunderbak’s: http://dunderbaks.com/
            Cigar City Brewing: http://cigarcitybrewing.com/
            Tampa Bay Brewin Company: http://tampabaybrewingcompany.com/brew_tour/
            plus we have a Yuengling brewery here (I wanna go to pottsville!!!) http://www.yuengling.com/

            Reply
            • chill says

              September 6, 2012 at 4:55 pm

              I heard Ybor City is pretty good too.
              .

              Reply
  8. Jason says

    September 4, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Best Buy and Radio Shack have started setting human traps every night. They come in the next morning to see if they’ve caught any customers.

    I’ve been on a beer fast too. I decided to go to The Nook (over 400 beers!) on Saturday and had a couple of “Founders Devil Dancers”. Then I hated myself. It tasted a lot like shit might taste.

    http://thenooktavern.com/TheNook/Welcome.html

    I think some people must have a saying ready. And they unload it even if the conversation doesn’t make room for it. This has happened to me several times.

    Reply
    • CADude says

      September 4, 2012 at 4:05 pm

      Well, if you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem.

      Reply
      • Jason says

        September 4, 2012 at 4:18 pm

        My only prollem is that I care too much. I love too much.

        Reply
        • hot fuzz says

          September 5, 2012 at 11:17 am

          I Hate Being Bipolar! It’s Awesome!

          Reply
  9. ron says

    September 4, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    a lot of info in a few words
    good update

    please do not take firearms to place of employement today

    Reply
  10. eeyoresmama says

    September 4, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    Sheetz plays that crappy music to try to discourage kids hanging around the store and parking lot. It’s supposed to make them want to leave. Most of them are so high or drunk that they don’t even hear it. Try working with that shit blasting in your head for an 8-hour shift. Not fun.

    Reply
  11. Fancy Pants Maguire says

    September 4, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    I have not seen a Sheetz (or Sheetz’s’s as it was pronounced locally) since I moved away from Western MD back in 2003. Do they still have schmuffins?

    Reply
  12. chill says

    September 4, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Just as well there is no Sheetz near me. But last I checked, they did still have shmuffins and their hash browns were still god-fucking-awful.

    Jeff, don’t sweat the beer; you’re out of practice, after all. In time it will come back to you. And I hope you got those DVDs returned; you don’t want to end up like Nicolas Cage. And what’s with his nonstandard spelling, anyway?
    .

    Reply
  13. Tiff says

    September 4, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    we worry about you Jeff. Oh yes we do. Pretty son it’ll be YOU out back sanding a ukelele singing songs of the old west into Andy’s tail while guzzling a litre of Molson, and there will be nothing else for us to do but stage an intervention.

    And it involves Nostrils, and where those stolen cookies went.

    Don’t make us go there.

    Reply
    • Tiff says

      September 4, 2012 at 8:54 pm

      pretty SOON, dammit!

      Reply
  14. Jed says

    September 4, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    Is that fabric with Velcro at the base of that suppository inserter? Nice sanitary design. In West VA, I’ll bet they’d call this a “city boy” shit stick. Break me off a bit of that early corn boy, ‘lemme show ya how we loosen things up around these here parts.

    Reply
  15. t-storm says

    September 5, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Jeff
    I love you. You started this off and I was thinking stop being a bitch but you really know how to rein it in and come through.
    Some days you are.my alison Rosen

    Reply
  16. Fancy Pants Maguire says

    September 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Potty Pax to the Max!

    USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

    Reply
    • The Qweezy Mark says

      September 5, 2012 at 5:46 pm

      Potty Pax is ridiculous. Instead of wiping down the shitter and throwing the paper in and being done, they expect you to cover it with a piece of cloth and then wipe the cloth off, stick it in a “reusable” bag, then take it all home to be laundered.

      Reply
  17. hot fuzz says

    September 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

    sanding his ukelele – it is PERFECT for a euphanism.

    buttering his toast
    watching clockwork orange
    having cheese whiz on his celery
    rotating his tires
    turning on the sprinkler
    defrosting the fridge
    opening a can of spam
    finding the square root of 15
    watching the news
    checking the glove compartment for a recent map of the area
    doing long division
    changing the batteries in the flashlight
    testing the smoke detector
    using lemon pledge to give the coffee table a certain lustre

    the more non-nonsensical the better?
    I’m Ron Burgundy?

    Reply
  18. Ian the Errolite says

    September 5, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Hi, good to be back. I missed you. I’ve just started 3rd year University so reading this may be sporadic. Anyway I found the program the BBC did on E and his dad. It is on Youtube in three parts. Check it out.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnnA3sgMXCI

    Reply
  19. Henderson says

    September 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    I’m changing my name to Hender Boo Boo Child

    Reply
  20. Hender Boo Boo Child says

    September 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    See what I did there?

    Reply
    • t-storm says

      September 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm

      Why come my baby can’t eat ribs?

      Reply
  21. WB in OH says

    September 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    wonder if I can change my name to WBoo Boo Child?

    Reply
  22. WBoo Boo Child says

    September 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    WOOO HOOO!

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Now With Podcast!

Support Jeff And His Projects

Latest Tweets

  • Fresh podcast action, available everywhere! From Milton to Madagascar. pic.twitter.com/V6M1cmQcSA

    November 3, 2022 5:46 am

  • Something new I'm trying: nonewjeffs.substack.com/p/im-n…

    December 2, 2021 4:11 pm

  • Only 182 days until Opening Day.

    September 30, 2021 2:37 pm

  • Check out this great story about a 16 year old Tom Bergeron talking to Moe and Larry on the phone during the early… twitter.com/i/web/status/14387…

    September 17, 2021 5:02 am

  • Dogs! surfreportpod.com/2021/09/16/e…

    September 16, 2021 4:07 pm

Facebook!

Footer

Get Social!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Search The Surf Report

Copyright © 2023 · Smoking Fish Media