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Seven Paragraphs About Seven Different Things

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The weirdness that is my life… Right now Toney is taking a CPR class, our younger son is watching ancient Black Flag concert footage on YouTube, and the older boy is on the deck sanding a ukulele.  And no, that’s not a euphemism. He’s literally sanding his ukulele.

I had a few beers last night, and it wasn’t much fun, unfortunately. The Dogfish Head 60 Minute Ale tasted great, of course, but I wasn’t in the best mood, and just wasn’t feeling it.  And this morning I felt guilty for ruining my months-long streak of no beer.  Wotta rip-off.  Highly unsatisfactory.

Toney and I went to Best Buy a few days ago, to get the younger hooligan a new cell phone. I used to love that store, but rarely go inside one these days.  And it’s really weird… They now sell all sorts of bizarre things, like office supplies, watches, exercise equipment, and candy.  I’m fairly certain, if I’d walked around a little more, I would’ve found the produce section.

I was in Sheetz recently, getting a Dr. Pepper fountain drink (why is it so much better over ice?), and they were blasting some godawful techno dance shit, which was threatening to trigger a grand mal seizure. There was a guy standing near me, who was only fat from the waist down. Know what I mean?  And I said to him, “Do they think people really like this kind of music?”  His response? “Life’s a bitch, and then you die. Or you marry one, and wish you were dead.”  What?

I guess there’s a scene in the new Captain America movie where the Cap’n appears in front of a bunch of sailors returning from sea.  And they start yelling for him to get off the stage, and “bring out the girls.”  Nancy’s kids were allowed to watch this movie — which amazes me — and were confused why anyone would rather see girls than Captain America.  Nancy explained, “When men are out to sea for a long time, they crave love.  And they’re hoping to find love with one of the girls. …Of course, it’s also OK if they found love amongst themselves.” I nearly choked on my meat loaf as Toney told me this.

I get to return to work today, after six days off.  Even under normal circumstances I’d be sad, but there’s stuff going on there that cranks up the dread a hundred-fold. My stomach churns every time I think about it. It’s not supposed to be this way… I’m about ready to shit the credenza.

Speaking of that, I watched an episode of Louie a few nights ago that caused me to laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. It was one where he agreed to babysit some weird freak of a boy, named Never.  The kid was along the lines of one of Nancy’s translucents, he wasn’t allowed to eat “carbon,” and the whole thing was just hilarious. If you haven’t seen it, trust me… it’s worth seeking out. Funnier than hell.

And I’m going to stop right here. I have some DVDs that need to be mailed, I want to set aside twenty minutes for a crying jag and a light lunch, then it’s back to work.

I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to a suppository inserter!

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Comments

  2. Those places are desperate for sales.

    I went into a Radio Shack the other day – and the dude behind the counter tried to sell me all sorts of shit.

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    • I was in a supermarket the other day and saw a display of beer mugs. One said “Biker Chick” across it but goddamn it, it had a crack. I was going to buy it in your honor!

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      • I went to Quaker STeak and Lube for some wings and saw that they had a Biker Chick salad.. made me think of BC

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        • Lori – were you there Sunday? Maybe 4:00 ish? Wouldn’t that be cool if we were both looking at Biker Chick merchandise at the same time?

          Bikerchick – did you get a “Woah, that’s fucking strange!!!” sensation Sunday?

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  4. I am still trying to figure out why a goddam suppository inserter costs nearly 85 bucks.

    This rising cost of healthcare is gonna destroy this great nation of ours

    USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

    Reply

  6. I had a similar “what the hell did she just say?” moment on Friday as I was leaving work. I was wishing a few folks a nice long weekend and one girl with a thick – a little too thick – accent said something like “And Sunday will be extra wide.” I think the bitch tries to be misunderstood. A whack to the chops may bring her around.

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  7. Louie kills me… I watch every week & laugh harder than anything else I watch….
    I have realized I’m not much of an IPA drinker. but the Palo Santo from Dogfish Head is amazing. I have been drinking a Creme Brulee stout that kicks ass!

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  8. Best Buy and Radio Shack have started setting human traps every night. They come in the next morning to see if they’ve caught any customers.

    I’ve been on a beer fast too. I decided to go to The Nook (over 400 beers!) on Saturday and had a couple of “Founders Devil Dancers”. Then I hated myself. It tasted a lot like shit might taste.

    http://thenooktavern.com/TheNook/Welcome.html

    I think some people must have a saying ready. And they unload it even if the conversation doesn’t make room for it. This has happened to me several times.

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  10. Sheetz plays that crappy music to try to discourage kids hanging around the store and parking lot. It’s supposed to make them want to leave. Most of them are so high or drunk that they don’t even hear it. Try working with that shit blasting in your head for an 8-hour shift. Not fun.

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  11. I have not seen a Sheetz (or Sheetz’s’s as it was pronounced locally) since I moved away from Western MD back in 2003. Do they still have schmuffins?

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  12. Just as well there is no Sheetz near me. But last I checked, they did still have shmuffins and their hash browns were still god-fucking-awful.

    Jeff, don’t sweat the beer; you’re out of practice, after all. In time it will come back to you. And I hope you got those DVDs returned; you don’t want to end up like Nicolas Cage. And what’s with his nonstandard spelling, anyway?
    .

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  13. we worry about you Jeff. Oh yes we do. Pretty son it’ll be YOU out back sanding a ukelele singing songs of the old west into Andy’s tail while guzzling a litre of Molson, and there will be nothing else for us to do but stage an intervention.

    And it involves Nostrils, and where those stolen cookies went.

    Don’t make us go there.

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  14. Is that fabric with Velcro at the base of that suppository inserter? Nice sanitary design. In West VA, I’ll bet they’d call this a “city boy” shit stick. Break me off a bit of that early corn boy, ‘lemme show ya how we loosen things up around these here parts.

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  15. Jeff
    I love you. You started this off and I was thinking stop being a bitch but you really know how to rein it in and come through.
    Some days you are.my alison Rosen

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    • Potty Pax is ridiculous. Instead of wiping down the shitter and throwing the paper in and being done, they expect you to cover it with a piece of cloth and then wipe the cloth off, stick it in a “reusable” bag, then take it all home to be laundered.

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  17. sanding his ukelele – it is PERFECT for a euphanism.

    buttering his toast
    watching clockwork orange
    having cheese whiz on his celery
    rotating his tires
    turning on the sprinkler
    defrosting the fridge
    opening a can of spam
    finding the square root of 15
    watching the news
    checking the glove compartment for a recent map of the area
    doing long division
    changing the batteries in the flashlight
    testing the smoke detector
    using lemon pledge to give the coffee table a certain lustre

    the more non-nonsensical the better?
    I’m Ron Burgundy?

    Reply

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