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Scary Park Trash and a Nest o’ Gnats

April 28, 2009 By Jeff 95 Comments

woman-at-the-parkWhat’s the difference between partly cloudy, and partly sunny?  Is it just a glass half empty/half full deal, or something more complicated?  I mean, if it’s partly cloudy it’s also partly sunny, right?  And vice versa.

I don’t care for it, not one tiny bit.  I think we’re being manipulated.  The bastards.

On Saturday Toney and I cleaned up the yard, and apparently unearthed the Shanghai of gnat colonies.  Roughly twenty lawn bags-full of leaves and sticks were in our flower beds and piled against the house.  And as we raked, gnats-a-plenty emerged.

It sucked.  I had those things crawling up and down my neck, all over my face, and buzzing in my ears.  I also wished, momentarily, that I’d never given up on good ol’ Hanes briefs — if you get my meaning.  Far too much access to restricted areas…

But we got it fixed up, and the yard looks great.  Right this minute, anyway.  I can’t really enjoy it, because I know every second that passes is another second removed from perfection.  It starts getting worse, the moment the mower and rakes go away, and the garage door comes down.  The degradation begins immediately.

And pretty soon… I’ll be out there again, with bugs on my wiener.

In case you’re keeping score at home, Toney and I shared a six-pack of Samuel Adams Irish Red after the yard work.  If it weren’t for quality beer in the fridge, the whole outside of our house would go to seed, and Half-Shirt would be distributing a petition.  And that’s not really a joke.

On Saturday morning, before the Gnatty Jamboree, we went to Lackawanna State Park and enjoyed the sunshine.  The place was slammed with people, and it was fairly chaotic.

We took Andy (Snoop Manny Mann) with us, and he humped up like a kangaroo and ejected several large turds in front of a family picnic.  One woman lifted a forkful of macaroni salad to her mouth, saw what was going on, and put it immediately back down.  Sheesh, lady.  It’s just a little fresh-squeezed dog shit…

And yes, it was cleaned-up.  Get off our backs already.

As we continued walking a group of scummy characters passed us going in the opposite direction.  Straight-up trash.  One of the guys was all scarred-up, and looked like a meth freak.  His eyes were darting here and there, and all four of these “citizens” looked like they smelled horrible.  And probably sounded like they looked bad, as well.

One of the women was just a skeleton with poorly tattooed skin hanging off.  Each of her teeth appeared to be a slightly different color, and she was all shaky and jerky.

“Can I pet your dog?” she slurred, in a radically slowed-down voice.

Holy shit!  This was a heroin addict.  I’d bet good money on it — heroin or Oxycontin.  Oh, I’ve seen The Wire.  And she wanted to linger and pay tribute to Black Lips Houlihan.

None of us answered her (too much to take in), so she bent over – very deliberately – and started stroking Andy’s fur.  Usually he doesn’t go for such nonsense, but he stood there like a ceramic doodad and let this scary-ass creature pet him.

“What’s his name?” she asked, while bearing teeth that looked like a sample card for beige paint, from Lowe’s.

“Nancy Spungen,” I wish I’d been quick enough to answer.  But, unfortunately, I was too disgusted and uncomfortable to be witty, and told her the truth.

She said nothing to that, and walked to catch up with her high-quality friends — who hadn’t progressed very far, since they were all moving as if underwater.

I wish I could’ve seen ol’ Tater Salad’s reaction to that crew.  She probably just shoved her paper plate away, and said to hell with it.

This update is a super-quickie, typed like an email.  Hopefully it’s not obvious.

I don’t really have a Question for you, either.  So just tell us what you did over the weekend.  Anything exciting?  Use the comments to bring us up to date.

Oh, this just popped into my head…  On Saturday evening we cooked hamburgers on the grill, for the first time this season.  And Toney and I got into a discussion about burger toppings.

If you were, for some reason, restricted to just one hamburger add-on, what would it be?  We both agreed it would be onions, because you get the most bang for the buck with ’em.  Lettuce and tomatoes are too subtle, and the same goes for mayonnaise and ketchup.  Mustard might be a good choice, but I’m going with onions.

What about you?  What would be your topping of choice, if you were limited to just one?

And I need to go to work, unfortunately.

I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Lew in Bama says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    definitely still funny…

    Reply
  2. Tyrosine says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Weekend: Nothing. Just fucked the dog all weekend long.

    Burger Toppin’: Salsa.

    Reply
  3. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    One topping on a burger, can’t be done. It would just not be fair to all those other codiments waiting to jump in a give a good burger lift up to those waiting lips parting ever so slowly trying to gage the size as the first bite edges past the crown of the teeth in an effort to engage the entire compliment of taste buds in an ecstacy flow of 100% beef. Whew!!! I need cigarette after that…

    Reply
  4. Dave in Sammamish says

    April 28, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Bacon and cheese should be INCORPORATED into the burger itself, thus allowing the single topping to be… a fried egg… rookies!!!

    Reply
  5. Alex says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Partly Sunny: More sun than cloud.
    Partly Cloudy: More cloud than sun.
    If’n you look at a cloud coverage map you can make a decent guess as to which to refer.

    Weekend work consisted of dragging out the bags of rakings to the curb, repairing a relatives computer, and generally being lazy.

    Katsup. Because onions grow in the backyard and are available at a moments notice.

    Reply
  6. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    @Tyrosine – Do I hear PETA knocking at your door?

    Reply
  7. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    @Dave in Sammamish – Bacon flavored cheese or cheese flavored bacon…

    Reply
  8. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    My weekend consisted of burning my clippings and yard trash. Did I mention that my backyard is called North Mrytle Beach…

    Reply
  9. Uncle_Wedgie says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    I would have to go with mustard.

    Jeff, I hear that if you fuck cheese before doing yard work the gnats will leave your wiener alone.

    Reply
  10. Brandy says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    burger topping – blue cheese.

    By the way, Ashton – if I ever come to visit you in New Orleans, we’ll go eat at Yo Mama’s.

    Reply
  11. Dave in Sammamish says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    @Shiny Rod – yes

    Reply
  12. Pagan says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Fried egg on a burger never tried it, sounds like a winner!

    Reply
  13. Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    @Jason Yes I have multiple impulse control issues! 😉

    Reply
  14. Dave in Sammamish says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    @Pagan – affectionately called a “heart attack on a bun”
    burger, fried egg, cheese, mayo, fried ham, bacon…..
    ………mmmmmmmm…..

    Reply
  15. tadpolegal says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Blue Cheese for sure!

    Weekend- Drank lots so I don’t really remember what I did.

    Reply
  16. Shiny Rod says

    April 28, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    @Dave in Sammamish – arteries haaaardennningg cannnn’t ttttthhhhiiiinnnnkkkk

    Reply
  17. 2Tall says

    April 28, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    We worked on the yard also…filled in a lot of the holes that that coonhound dug. Mustard or Jalapeno slices on the burger

    Reply
  18. ashton says

    April 28, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    @Brandy – you’re on.

    One of these days, I need to tell you a story about that picture you’re linked to. Who is that?

    Reply
  19. Stephanie says

    April 28, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    Burger topping = cheese

    Weekend = Saturday , can’t remember!

    Spent Sunday signing comics at the MNCBA MicroCon Comic Book Party in Saint Paul, MN.

    Good times!

    Reply
  20. Strangeart1 says

    April 28, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Ketchup, Catsup, whatever, indispensable. Moved 60 boxes of books (and their book-cases) down from second floor apartment up to second floor of new townhome. Good times. Loving the thought of that new fangled Kindle…..

    Reply
  21. Tyrosine says

    April 28, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    @ Shiny Rod

    PETA? You mean the People for the Eating of Tasty Animals? They’re always welcome at my door. The other PeTA can all die in a fire (while I roast marshmallows).

    If you were referring to my “fuck the dog” comment, please see: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fuck+the+dog

    Reply
  22. sunshine_in_va says

    April 28, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Tomatoes are hardly subtle, Jeff. Especially the summer ones – you know, big and fat and juicy and a little on the acid-y side.

    I loves me a ‘mater burger. Should have Miracle Whip too, though.

    CHOMP!

    Reply
  23. Oh Really says

    April 28, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    This weekend I returned home to Boston from visiting my parents (they live near Snoop Manny Mann’s birthplace) and I thought about the Smokin Fish when we drove past the Waffle House in Clarks Summit. 🙂

    Reply
  24. Rick says

    April 28, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    Menstrual cramps and diarrhea.

    Ear infection and diarrhea.

    Referring to my wife and daughter. I spent the weekend with them. The air conditioning didn’t work and it was damn near 90.

    I tried to mow the lawn but the wife bitched that the mower was too loud with the windows open.

    Of course, onions are the only choice.

    Reply
  25. Jason says

    April 28, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Ashton,
    That’s her.

    Reply
  26. Hal F. Wit says

    April 28, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    The difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny is like the difference between night and day.

    -Hal

    Reply
  27. akgrrl2001 says

    April 28, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    NANCY SPUNGEN?! are you kidding me? I’ll be laughing about that one for days! oh if only the synapses would have fired quicker to get that one off, on the other hand such a choice remark would probably have been lost on the skeleton-ess.

    As for topping, gonna hafta agree with onion…white ones with alot of kick!

    Reply
  28. Taiwan On says

    April 28, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Jeff – you really screwed the pooch on this one. The question should have been about only one topping on a CHEESEburger. Then onions would be the correct answer.

    Not ketchup. Can’t stand the stuff. Does that make me un-American?

    Spent the weekend watching the Red Sox sweep the hated Yankees. sweet….

    Reply
  29. Pagan says

    April 28, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Dave, Fired up the grill hand made angus beef patties with diced vidalia onion & parsley mixed in (cheese & bacon just too much!) nice & pink, a dash of A1! Ciabatta bun lightly grilled with olive oil, fried egg on top salt & pepper a all squished together. First bite: damn! screw Viagra thats the best orgasm I have had in years! Steak & egg breakfast on a bun! you have discovered the food of the Gods!

    Reply
  30. Dave in Sammamish says

    April 28, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Pagan –

    so Glad you enjoyed it!! for me it’s the only way to have a burger. I can do without many things, but my burgers must be wearing fried egg hats!!! Cheers!!

    Reply
  31. Jason says

    April 28, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    I’ve been trying for hours, but now I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t get the “Nancy Spungen” joke. Can someone please explain? (start with the blonde jokes, har har har).

    Reply
  32. tomH says

    April 28, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    In a purist world, which most weather folks do not live in, Partly Sunny is used during the day and Partly Cloudy is used at night.

    Reply
  33. Pagan says

    April 28, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    Jason :Nancy Spungen (friend of Sid!) H addict identical sister of the individual Jeff was enjoying social intercourse with!

    In her defense dogs are all knowing: if Andy was O.K. with her then at some level she was one of the good guys!

    Reply
  34. Stephanie says

    April 28, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    Jason: Nancy Spungen + Sid Vicious (she was his girlfriend) = heroin addicts. She died in a NYC hotel room (was stabbed by Vicious) and I believe he died shortly thereafter (overdosed). This is all from memory, so I could be wrong…

    Reply
  35. Jason says

    April 28, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    Thanks guys. I was trying to pronounce it different ways, thinking it was something similar to Jack Mehoff or something like that.

    Reply
  36. swoosh says

    April 28, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    My understanding of partly cloudy is there’s more clear skies than clouds. Partly sunny means more clouded sky than clear. This is according to my 10 year old dauighter whose favorite station is The Weather Channel. Proof positive that geeks beget geeks….

    Burger topping, cheese or no cheese, would be a good spicy barbecue sauce.

    Reply
  37. chill says

    April 28, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    Over the weekend I washed my car and the GF’s truck, sharpened the lawnmower blade, cleaned the cat box. Giant fun.

    I’d have to agree with onions as the sole burger topping, especially if there’s time to caramelize them. If the burger is dried-out (which it won’t be if it was made right) then it will need some lubrication in the form of ketchup and/or mayo. I really like the notion of the egg on top, have to try that next time. And the bacon would, of course, make it a complete breakfast.

    Jeez, now I want a burger.

    Reply
  38. tiff says

    April 28, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    There’s a place in Charlottesvile VA called Gus’s taht does the burge with egg on top….perfection at 4 a.m. Right next to the old movie theater right across the street from campus.

    Yum.

    Reply
  39. tracy says

    April 28, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    One gotta have topping is pickles. It ain’t a burger without pickles.

    Reply
  40. ashton says

    April 29, 2009 at 12:06 am

    @Jason, yes, that’s what I’ve been hoping for, but previous information indicates otherwise.

    Reply
  41. JCIII says

    April 29, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Good Morning Surf Reporters……

    just passing through. cleaned out all the cookies and temp files, just resetting all my passwords and links.

    Reply
  42. other kristin says

    April 29, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Is cheese a given? Or would cheese be considered the ONE topping?

    Because if so, I gotta go with cheese. If it’s in ADDITION to cheese, then either bacon or fried onions.

    Reply
  43. JRP_IN_SC says

    April 29, 2009 at 10:47 am

    The Nancy Spungen answer would have been classic. I almost wet my pants at that whole exchange.

    Reply
  44. Rusty says

    April 29, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Burger Toppings? Pickled Ramps.

    Reply
  45. Jason says

    April 29, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    ashton,
    That’s her for sure. She used to be in love with me, but you know how that shit goes. She has a twin sister (Brooke) that likes chicken wings and miniature things – tiny turkeys and things like that.

    Reply
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