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Ridiculous Adventures in Suburbia: Clothes Shopping with Jeff at the Mall!

December 17, 2013 By Jeff 54 Comments

man-frowning (1)I lead a fairly sheltered life, and don’t even visit Facebook very often. So, I might be way off on this. But it doesn’t feel like I’ve heard too many insufferable blowhards pontificating about the over-commercialization of Christmas this year. Have I missed it? It’s a holiday tradition that seems to be lacking in 2013.

C’mon, people! You’re leaving an uncomfortable void in the middle of my soul. So, get to pontificating. Preferably in knowing tones. I thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.

On Sunday Toney and I went to the mall to do some clothes shopping. I need almost everything, all the way down to socks ‘n’ stuff. And if there’s ever a task that breaks my heart… it’s trading money for socks. Demoralizing doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I’d been suffering a mild case of cabin fever, because we were hammered by a snowstorm the day before, and had been in a semi-lockdown. So, I was excited to get out of the house.

However, the shopping wasn’t much fun. Toney was doing fine with it, but I couldn’t pull the trigger on many purchases. I was focusing on shirts, mostly, and 80% of them are mind-bogglingly hideous. I kept shouting, inside my head, “What kind of asshole would sport such a garment?” Then I’d picture said asshole, and become angry.

I was reminded, again and again, of this Butch Walker song, with the line, “Working at American Apparel, selling women’s clothes to guys.”

Plus, everything was shockingly expensive. A couple of times I saw something that wasn’t too bad, looked at the price tag, and audibly gasped. Seventy bucks?! For a shirt? Fuck you guys. I should burn down this building.

I found a rack way back in a neglected corner of Macy’s, where the carpet had been ripped off the floor for some reason. And as I flipped through the deeply-discounted items there, I was becoming more and more agitated. Who is their target audience? Human traffickers from Eastern Europe? I wouldn’t even wipe with half this stuff. And what’s the story with the electronic dance music they’re pumping in this bitch? I’m about to have a seizure.

Then I discovered a shirt that wasn’t half bad. In fact, it was pretty nice, and right up my alley. I checked the tag, and it had been marked down multiple times. Current price: $9.99. Hell yeah! That’s more like it. It was the right size (portly), but I didn’t trust it. It was made by Perry Ellis, and that made me worry it might be a torso-hugger.

And it was. I tried it on, and felt like I was trapped inside a giant set of Chinese finger cuffs. So, I was 90 minutes into this excursion, and still empty-handed.

I had to urinate with a fiery urgency, and found a men’s room way down some echoey corridor off the mall’s main drag. It was pandemonium in there, and more diverse than an Olive Garden commercial. It wasn’t a huge bathroom, but there had to be eight or ten guys inside — of various nationalities and religions, united by a common need to piss.

Within two seconds I realized someone was crapping in there, too. I was hit by a breaker wave of fresh-cut feces, and made the same sound I did when I saw that $70 price tag. I did a full military heel-turn, and marched out of that chamber of horrors. My bladder would just have to deal with it.

Who shits at the mall?!

I finally ended up buying a couple of things at Kohl’s, and also used their luxurious, civilized men’s room. I also splurged on a pair of jeans at Target. But I couldn’t buy the socks. I mean, seriously. It feels like throwing money in the trash.

My favorite purchase of the day: a six-pack of Dogfish Head 60 Minute Ale, at Wegmans, after the clothes shopping was finally at an end. Sheesh. The whole afternoon had been agitating. Plus, it makes me nervous to spend money. Every transaction, except the last one, made me feel mildly panicked.

Yes, I’m a lot of fun to go places with.

I’ll see you guys again tomorrow, I hope. We’re still taking it day by day. My job is a real ball-masher these days, but I’ll give it my best shot.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Do your holiday shopping at Amazon!
Here’s the link for our Canadian friends

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Comments

  1. Ognir says

    December 17, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    I buy all my clothes at Walmart. (Note: not a country song)

    Reply
  2. WB in OH says

    December 17, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    “Who shits at the Mall?” Pissants who don’t possess your superior bowel control. Probably.

    I like new socks. Never felt like trading currency for socks was somehow throwing money away. It’s not like I’m going to knit myself some socks in my free time. But what do I know, I poop at work occasionally.

    Clothes shopping in general sucks, I’ll give you that.

    Reply
    • Alex says

      December 17, 2013 at 5:33 pm

      Jeffs dirty secret is he probably doesn’t trim his toenails and ends up with holes in his new socks after a single wearing.

      Reply
      • BoMama says

        December 17, 2013 at 11:01 pm

        Eww

        Reply
      • druglife says

        December 18, 2013 at 12:05 am

        He’s to fat to reach em and toney will no longer do it for him.

        Reply
  3. Swami Bologna says

    December 17, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    Turns-of-phrase like this — “I was hit by a breaker wave of fresh-cut feces” — will cause me to lose my reputation as the scowling curmudgeon here at work (as I sit here unable to suppress my out-loud laughter).

    Reply
  4. Billy Joel says

    December 17, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    Christmas has become over-commercialized. I blame both Obama and Jesus.

    Reply
  5. The Qweezy Mark says

    December 17, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    Always do the drinking before the shopping. It’s the only way I’ll shop, and that includes groceries.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      December 17, 2013 at 2:39 pm

      You make an excellent point there, Qweezy.

      Reply
    • William Rainey says

      December 17, 2013 at 8:13 pm

      But then you DEFINITELY have to urinate during the excursion, (probably more than once). That being said, it’s absolutely a wise idea.

      Reply
    • Kevindust says

      December 19, 2013 at 10:52 am

      Since it’s apparently socially acceptable these days to go everywhere with some sort of overpriced coffee type beverage, it’s also easy enough to bring an adult beverage with you when you go shopping. A White Russian looks and smells a lot like something from Starbucks, Dude.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        December 19, 2013 at 2:24 pm

        And if you get jostled in the throngs of mall people, you can always yell out “Hey, man! there’s a beverage here.”

        Reply
        • WB in OH says

          December 19, 2013 at 3:55 pm

          LOL!

          Reply
  6. Stuart In Oz says

    December 17, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Taking me shopping is like teaching a pig to sing, it frustrates you and annoys the pig..

    Reply
  7. Linda says

    December 17, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    I’ve heard the blowhards pontificating about “Merry Christmas” vs. “Happy Holidays.” I think the latter includes all the holidays (Christmas, New Years, Kwaanza, Festivus, whatever) rather than just Christmas. It’s not like it’s a big conspiracy or anything.

    Reply
    • WB in OH says

      December 17, 2013 at 2:46 pm

      If I had a dollar for all the Facebook posts daring me to share a post about keeping Christ in Christmas or some such. Lighten up Francis, nobody is dissing your deity by saying happy holidays.

      Reply
  8. WB in OH says

    December 17, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    You want to know what’s really going to suck? Having to go back to work on the 26th and 27th. Or am I the only one dumb enough to have not scheduled vacation?

    Reply
    • Alex says

      December 17, 2013 at 5:36 pm

      I’ll be working the holiday season. I see it as doubling my vacation time. I’m in when everybody else is gone and I have peace and quiet around me. I take my vacations during non-standard times and again, enjoy the peace and quiet around me.

      Reply
  9. Stephanie C says

    December 17, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    I absolutely HATE shopping and especially hate shopping for clothes. I am a woman who is obviously missing the “shopping gene”.

    Perhaps if clothing designers would make clothes for “petite” (short, m’kay?) woman who aren’t built like Q-tips and/or didn’t have the word “JUICY” splashed across the ass of the jeans in silver glitter and rhinestones (like, everyone under 5 feet tall MUST be 18 years old, right?) OR they didn’t put Peter Pan collars on everything…Good God. I think I am furiously whipping my hand through my hair right now.

    Rant over.

    Reply
    • Miss Q says

      December 17, 2013 at 6:08 pm

      I, too, lack that gene. I, too, am “petite” and positively hate most of the clothing that can fit me. Which is why my closet is shockingly empty. Mr. Q has way more apparel than I.

      Reply
    • bikerchick says

      December 17, 2013 at 6:58 pm

      I, too, do NOT have the shopping gene. I hate clothes shopping with a passion. I avoid it at all costs until I absolutely need something. I think every pair of jeans in my closet are all different sizes, yet they all fit to some degree . Clothing these days is made for titless, porkchop ass, gum chewers with sizes beginning with “00”. Double ZERO! How ’bout clothes made for real women with a figure. That means tits and ass. The double whammy. When I was made, I think I went through those assembly lines twice.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        December 17, 2013 at 10:04 pm

        Ditto no shopping gene. Id rather surgically remove my fingernails than shop for clothes

        Reply
      • Miss Q says

        December 18, 2013 at 8:29 am

        I guess I’m a triple threat. Tits, ass AND belly!

        Reply
    • aminnev says

      December 17, 2013 at 10:18 pm

      I knew I wasn’t the only female missing the ‘shopping gene’.

      I have no idea why women have to have so many shoes. One pair of sneakers, one pair of work-type boots (for the snow and emergency response team), a pair of sandals, and a pair of black pumps. Done! The husband has more shoes than I do.

      And, purses. I buy a new one when the last purse’s strap is hanging by threads. Then it’s black (to go with everything, at least I think it does).

      I tried shopping for an evening dress this week and there was nothing out there that would even fit the bill. Three stores and I tried on one outfit. And, did not buy it. WTF!

      Reply
      • Stephanie C says

        December 17, 2013 at 10:46 pm

        I love you all.

        *snif*

        Reply
    • revashane says

      December 18, 2013 at 12:18 pm

      I too lack the gene but my husband doesn’t. I cant go the the grocery store with him because he wanders aimlessly down each isle. Drives me fucking insane.

      I’m also short and and have given up. I buy jeans at Wal and hack them off to length. Dont judge, I have nowhere to go but to the barn and the horse doesnt care how I look.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        December 18, 2013 at 7:32 pm

        Really? Shit, beloved is 65.

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          December 18, 2013 at 7:34 pm

          Wrong response cannot. Anyway. Beloved can spent hours at the supermarket. I’m like pick am item and lets get the hell out of here

          Reply
  10. Joe T says

    December 17, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    The only one pontificating about the over commercialization of everything is the pontiff himself. Dude’s been on an anti-money roll.

    Reply
    • Billy Joel says

      December 17, 2013 at 3:16 pm

      maybe that’s why the Holy Spirit chose him

      Reply
      • Miss Q says

        December 17, 2013 at 6:08 pm

        Amen, brotha!

        Reply
        • son of sam says

          December 18, 2013 at 5:58 pm

          try livin without it. no fuckin fun at all. sounds noble but it’s bullshit.

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            December 18, 2013 at 8:59 pm

            Just to clarify, the Pope came out against avarice, not against money. I know he’s just another guy who’s never gotten laid, but he deserves to be paraphrased accurately.

            jtb

            Reply
            • Greg says

              December 18, 2013 at 9:56 pm

              Well, at one time, he was a 16 year old kid with a boner, who had never been to seminary, and he was a bouncer at a bar. I think there’s a slight possibility he might have, at some point, gotten laid. After all, he does say, he’s a sinner.

              Reply
              • johnthebasket says

                December 19, 2013 at 3:13 am

                Greg, you’re entirely right. I’d hate to let the error on my minor point overwhelm the correctness of my major point, but I did, indeed go a bridge too far. Hell, I got laid when I was 16 and I was neither a bouncer nor in a bar. He was probably getting twofers.

                Thanks for reading and thinking carefully.

                John

                Reply
  11. TR says

    December 17, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    I used to half ass enjoy shopping but now I hate it. Womens clothing these days is so friggin ugly. All the jeans are super skinny and all the shirts are super wide and baggy. What ever happened to straight leg or boot cut jeans and regular fitted t-shirts??

    Reply
    • bikerchick says

      December 17, 2013 at 7:00 pm

      Continuing my rant from above. …..So true, TR. If I wear those baggy-ass sweaters and shirts with my bewbs….someone would ask me when I was due.

      Reply
  12. Phantom Railfan says

    December 17, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Try shopping with an 80 year old man. I recently took my father shopping for a new recliner, since the upholstery on his old one was beginning to resemble swiss cheese. We hit several furniture stores, all the area department stores and even a hotel/motel surplus place, and EVERYTHING was too expensive for him. The one he ended up buying was a discontinued model at Macy’s that was marked down to something like $200, and he still acted like the money was being extracted with glowing-hot tongs directly from the flesh of his ass. And the chair isn’t particularly comfortable, doesn’t match the décor of the rest of the house, and has already developed an unhealthy squeal when it rocks. But, by God, at least he didn’t pay more than $250 for it.

    Reply
  13. madz1962 says

    December 17, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    One reason for no pontificating this year is because we’re all in a goddamn turkey coma still. I swear, I still have some cherry pie left over. Wasn’t Thanksgiving a few days ago?

    Jeff, I feel your pain. I hate shopping for clothes. But you made a smart choice going to Kohls. If you have a 30% off coupon it’s like striking gold.

    And spring for the new socks for chrissakes! The worst feeling in the world is that wedge of material that wraps around between your big toe and the next when you get a hole in your sock.

    Reply
    • revashane says

      December 18, 2013 at 12:22 pm

      Take an old person on senior day and they give you another 10 percent off. I got my sonic toothbrush for 10 bucks using Kohls cash, coupons and my dear old mom.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        December 18, 2013 at 7:31 pm

        Really? Shit, beloved is 65.

        Reply
  14. druglife says

    December 17, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Jeff Kay is turning into quite the fancy lad. going shopping for shirts at the mall and being surprised that it’s over priced lol.

    Reply
  15. Alex says

    December 17, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    I gotta say, that the Christmas music has been subdued this year. I remember shortly after haloween some grocery store piping it through the aisles, but overall, unlike last year I’m not cringing the moment I approach the entrance to stores.

    Reply
  16. Limey says

    December 17, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    I am going to have to go clothes shopping soon if my paid for WVSR shirt doesn’t arrive soon! 🙂 Can I change my order to a winter long sleeve in a larger size for my winter weight?

    Reply
    • Limey says

      December 17, 2013 at 7:43 pm

      Also, if you’re buying IPAs at Wegmans, give a 4-pack of Green Flash Green Bullet a whirl. Whoa.

      Reply
      • The Qweezy Mark says

        December 19, 2013 at 1:04 pm

        That’s good stuff. They have it on tap at my local Whole Foods. Yep, a bar in a grocery store.

        Reply
    • larryfromca says

      December 20, 2013 at 4:30 pm

      I forgot about my “paid for” shirt.
      What’s up with that?

      Reply
  17. chill says

    December 17, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    I despise shopping for clothes. Everything I’m wearing came from Costco, except for the glasses. Prices are cheap and the clothes fit. It’s been 2 or 3 years since I set foot in the mall, and I can’t remember the last time I bought clothes there.

    New socks are a great feeling, especially in the cold weather. Take the plunge.

    ND: Sierra Nevada Torpedo
    Next up: Sixpoint Resin
    …both from Wegman’s.
    .

    Reply
  18. T-STORM says

    December 18, 2013 at 10:54 am

    I shit at the mall.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      December 18, 2013 at 12:13 pm

      In the fountain?

      Reply
      • T-STORM says

        December 18, 2013 at 12:25 pm

        In the soda fountain.

        Reply
        • madz1962 says

          December 19, 2013 at 2:37 pm

          Do you make a wish first?

          Reply
          • t-storm says

            December 19, 2013 at 2:40 pm

            Only for an audience.

            Reply
  19. johnthebasket says

    December 19, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    Whilst awaiting this week’s installment, here’s the latest box score from the EPL…

    Manchester City / Arsenal
    6 – 3

    14′ Sergio Agüero 1 – 0
    31′ Theo Walcott
    39′ Álvaro Negredo 2 – 1
    50′ Fernandinho 3 – 1
    63′ Theo Walcott
    66′ David Silva 4 – 2
    88′ Fernandinho 5 – 2
    90′ Per Mertesacker
    90′ Yaya Touré (pen) 6 – 3

    Reply

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