Last night on Twitter I made a comment about it being 12:30 a.m. on the East Coast, and how I was surprised there hadn’t been any headlines yet about someone being trampled at a Wal-Mart. In fact, at that point I couldn’t find a single article about Black Friday mayhem.
How was it possible?! Weren’t all the stores opening at 8 p.m., or even earlier? That was plenty of time for anarchy to take hold. Where were the reports of arguments, and fistfights? Riots at Target? Mosh pits at Kohl’s? Rugby matches at K-Mart? It’s an American holiday tradition, as cherished as sitting on our asses all day and stuffing great wedges of pie into our mouths with the heels of our hands. I wanted to read about shopping violence!
Luckily, the press worked while I slept, and I woke to a full smorgasbord of Black Friday craziness. And I have no doubt there will be more to come. As a public service, I’m going to attempt to aggregate the reports here. If I miss something big, please don’t hesitate to email me (firstname.lastname@example.org), or contact me at Twitter (@jeffkay). It’s important work we do!
Line-cutters trigger brawl at Wal-Mart!
In Rialto, California a handful of dickheads who don’t recognize the unwritten Shopping Code, cut in line outside a Wal-Mart store. Several heroes called them on it, and a fight broke out. The police arrived, and one officer broke his wrist. In addition to the melee outside, there were two other fights inside the store “over merchandise.” Whore, gimme that toaster oven!
Argument over parking space leads to stabbing at Wal-Mart!
This story reminds me of the Seinfeld episode in which George argued with a friend of Kramer’s over a quality parking space. Except in this case it happened in Underwear Stain, Virginia, and featured two hardened hicks. A 61 year old man named Ronnie (always a bad sign) brandished both a rifle and a knife, and ended up cutting the other man “to the bone.” You don’t mess around with an old man with a boy’s name; everybody should know this.
Watch this asshole behave like an asshole at Wal-Mart!
I know it would’ve only exacerbated the problem, but I really wish someone would’ve bashed him over the head with a Blu-Ray player. Here’s an article about this mess.
Man becomes belligerent and is pepper sprayed at Wal-Mart!
At a Wal-Mart store in Garfield, New Jersey police were already busy writing a summons after “a woman in the infant section spit on another woman’s child,” when an unrelated incident flared up. They heard someone shouting obscenities, and when they attempted to investigate, the suspect grabbed one of the officers by the shirt. This earned him a face-full of pepper spray, and a stay in the Bergen County jail. According to this article, the man became angry while arguing with another customer about a television. Sounds about right, but I think they glossed over the important story here. A woman spit on a kid?!
Another scary feeding-frenzy at Wal-Mart!
This one starts out slowly, but gets pretty great near the end. I don’t know this to be a fact, but have a feeling most of these people are products of the best finishing schools of New England.
Man leaves 2-month old baby locked inside car, while he shops at Best Buy!
A Florida man was charged with felony child neglect after he left his 2-month old baby boy sleeping inside his car, and went shopping at Best Buy. When police finally located the man, he did the honorable thing and tried to blame it on his wife.
Three teenagers, goofing around, feel the wrath of a fed-up shopper at Target!
Well… in this case I’m somewhat sympathetic.
I’m going to continue working on this page, throughout the weekend. If you have any tips for me, please send them along. And if you have comments, you’re in luck! There’s a comment box below. By the way, I didn’t intend for this to focus so much on Wal-Mart, it just worked out that way.
Have a great day, my friends.
Now playing in the bunker
Do your holiday shopping at Amazon!
Here’s the link for our Canadian friends
I’m so proud to be human
“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
T S Eliot
Wow. What a great day to stay home.
This is how it ends; not with a bang or a whimper, but in a flurry of expletives in the parking lot of a KmartKohlsWalmartToysRUs.
I propose that next year we wait until the stores are full, sneak all the employees out, and firebomb the buildings.
Barbecuing the victims sounds a little harsh.
Not at all!
Buzz in Wheeling says
How about a large wood chipper at the end of each checkout station, disguised as a free pizza survey booth?
Victims, jtb? These animals choose to go to these stores to buy cheap crap (specially made models for Black Friday that REALLY ARE of a much, much lesser quality) and these maniacs think they are getting great deals while trampling people (to death) throwing women to the ground, spitting on kids, stabbings, and the list goes on. They know this may happen, but by golly, “I gotta get me one of them $700 teevees for $99 and I don’t care who I may have to hurt for it…” Yeah, um…cull the herd. Sorry.
Yup, victims. In a caste society, the objective of the powerful is always to trick the middle class into having distain for the underclass rather than to be pissed off at the rich. Of course there are douches out there, but the vast majority perceive that they can procure something on BF that they’d otherwise be unable to afford.
The retail outlets feed this perception by, hourly, releasing a few low-priced items on the sales floor, creating a buying frenzy that carries over to other items. We choose to treat these people like animals and, after a while, a few of them start to believe it. The Jews in Germany, the Blacks in South Africa, the mestizos in Central America, the Untouchables in India were artificial classes that became real classes because good people like us forgot how to be good people.
Hell, I’m as guilty as anybody. Never underestimate how good the ruling class is at this shit.
Well, when you put it THAT way.
Thank you as always for clarifying. And, eloquently at that.
Thanks for keeping an open mind and for being bright and funny as always. If Hubby ever starts to take those wonderful qualities for granted, kick him a sound one in the ass to jar his memory. Avoid the groinal area so as not to spoil your dessert, but you already knew that.
With admiration and affection from an old man…
By the way, I don’t mean to piss on anybody’s parade here. The people who do the BF shuffle are undoubtedly batshit crazy, even if they are being manipulated. I don’t have a problem laughing at them, and Jeff is doing a service to humankind by chronicling their adventures.
My problem is in thinking that I’m somehow better than them. I’m not; I just have a little more common sense.
Here in Canukistan the manipultors are trying to create the same black friday feeding frenzy. Slowly it is working its way North and we’ll not only have boxing day feeding frenzy, I’ll have another day to avoid going about my normal buisness as black friday starts to take hold here as the sheeple demand that they get some artifical sale they can flock to.
John Smith says
How do you feel about organized religion?
Phil Jett says
I am a better person. This is not shopping for food, water or housing. This is not the end of the world and even if it was, some piece of shit electronics is never more important than the welfare of another human being.
Ozzie Bucco says
I was empted to go to Walmart today and buy a pack of gum just to see how horrific things actually are.
I wish nothing but tragic electrocution for the walking shit who think it’s OK to act like a rabid pack of hyenas.
Every station here has some poor reporter LIVE, right in the middle of the chaos, trying to ask shoppers about their experience and what they’re in the hint for. So ridiculous. I guess that’s a promotion from reporting about the weather in the middle of a hurricane. They’re also reporting about the parking lot capacity. And these are the top stories.
Phantom Railfan says
“I got a heart problem, motherfucker!”
As Jeff says, these shoppers attended fine prep schools and universities in the northeast. Even the president of Wal-Mart was out there shopping…
Walmart’s the classic example of:
“Merry fuckin’ Christmas!”
Surly Shawn says
I’m just weeping for humanity over here.
Buzz in Wheeling says
Look where we’re talking about: Wal-Mart, home of the bottom feeders.
Have a squint at their logo – it is a Golden Asshole, isn’t it? Perfect.
Buzz in Wheeling says
Also, you see before you proof positive that we will never be invaded by an advanced civilization. They’d want nothing to do with us howling savages.
Maybe as snack food, but that’s about it.
They are up there betting on the contests.
These stories are the highlight of my weekend.
Buzz in Wheeling says
Back again. You know, I hate to complain, but a few short years ago we could rack up 60 or 70 comments a day without breaking a sweat. What has happened here?
I mean, hell, it’s not like people (me included) have gotten any *less* weird – quite the reverse is the case. Just turn on the news.
And (I hope) it’s not that people have migrated to other funnier, more interesting blogs. Name me one – go ahead.
And (I hope) it’s not that people have less time to read WVSR. It just takes a minute or so, and look, you’ve broadened your outlook and learned a thing or two.
So. How about all you lurkers out there – speak up. We know you have comments – let’s hear ’em.
And to use a phrase I personally detest: “Just sayin’.”
John Smith says
Speaking of frenzies…..
I now have a greater appreciation of Bill Engvall’s bit about getting naked while arguing with the spouse. It’s not about sex. It’s about data collection. The rules of engagement change when there’s a string hanging.
Billy Joel says
I just read all of the comments, and I must confess that I am having trouble equating Black Friday with the Holocaust.