When my kids told me about a commercial they’d seen on Nickelodeon, for something called Giant Cheetos, I had a vision of someone walking around with a baseball bat-sized cheese snack across their shoulder. And every once in a while they’d turn their head to one side, and take a big crunchy bite.
Of course, I knew this was ridiculous. Frito-Lay doesn’t make products the size of Louisville Sluggers (unfortunately). And after I reigned in my imagination, I decided it must be like a candy bar: a single “giant” Cheeto the length of a Snickers. Which is still fairly amazing, when you think about it.
But I’m a busy man and thoughts of freakishly oversized cheese puffs quickly exited my head…
A few days later, however, Buck sent a photo to my cell phone, of (that’s correct) Giant Cheetos on the shelf of a 7-11 in downtown Charleston, WV. What the heck, man? This was starting to become a theme in my life.
I decided I’d better check ’em out, and went on the hunt at a nearby fancy-pants grocery store. I assumed they were candy bar-like, and sold by the cash registers (confirmed by Buck’s pic), but the boys said they came in bags like potato chips.
So, I checked both locations, and found nothing. An employee asked if I needed help, but I mumbled that I was OK. ‘Cause I didn’t want to say, “Yes, where do you keep your enormous snacks?”
Sensing an obsession taking hold, I went to two (two!) convenience store, and was frustrated at both. I mean, they carry all manner of questionable crap — why no two-hander Cheetos??
I told Toney about my adventures, and she said it had Wal-Mart written all over it. Outrageous servings of bad shit? Why look anywhere else? Good point.
“Will you be going there anytime soon?” I asked, hopefully. “I’m on it,” she replied.
And so, the very next day I came home to find two large, colorful bags on our kitchen counter. One was called simply Giant Cheetos (or is it Cheetos Giant?), and the other was also Giant — but labeled “twisted puffs”.
Awesome!
I ripped open the regular bag first, and peered inside. Check it out:
Frowning, I dropped my booger hooks inside, and grabbed one of the not-so-giant orange balls. They weren’t what I expected… I mean, Cheetos aren’t round, ya know? Wotta rip-off.
The thing was almost exactly the same size as a marshmallow — the big roasting kind. Here’s a shot of it, beside a coffee mug for scale.
Does it look giant to you? I’m not so sure. Yeah, it’s big — the perfect size to block a windpipe — but “giant” is pushing it a little.
Eyeing the ridiculous thing, I didn’t know if I should eat it all at once, or just take a bite. I opted for the latter, and it was so coarse it felt like my gums were pulling away from my teeth. “Holy shit!” I hollered, as my kids buckled over in laughter.
“Check the expiration date on that bag,” I said, while popping the remainder of the snack ball into my mouth. It was incredibly dense, and hard to chew. It tasted OK, approximately the same as a regular Cheeto, but it was really hard and wreaked havoc on my gums and the roof of my mouth.
The boys each had a big cheese-flavored ball, and also struggled to get ’em down. Too hard to chew was the unanimous verdict.
I ripped open the bag of twisted puffs, and laughed out loud. They were bigger (much closer to giant), and reminded me of something we keep on the shelf above our washer and dryer:
No way in hell a person should try to eat one of those big ol’ things all at once. They’re hilariously large. So I bit off the top third of the coil, and was surprised to find it much softer than its spherical cousin.
Hmm… not bad. There’s no obvious advantage to it being comically oversized, but the twisted puffs are more manageable and easier to enjoy. By a longshot.
I’ll give the regular handball o’ crunchy “cheese” a C+, and the Al Gore light bulb variation a solid B+.
I have a feeling we’ll never have either again, though, since the regular normal-people Cheetos are just fine. And much easier to eat, too. Nothing is gained by making them really big; it’s just a novelty that provides no actual snacking benefits.
I will, however, be glad to test and review other outsize snackables. Like, say, M&Ms the size of an apple, a wearable Funyuns sash, or a Pixie Feedsack.
Do you have any other ideas for snack foods taken to the extreme? If so, tell us about it in the comments. Also, if you have an opinion on Giant Cheetos, we’ll need that as well.
Thanks for reading, I’ll see ya next time.
In your research, did you find they leave your fingers less orange?
Someone mentioned the new Cheetos with Jalapeno on here and I’m hooked on them now. My only concern all day is where and when I’ll get my next bag. It’s taking over my life. Well, I shouldn’t say that. I don’t really need them, I could quit any time. I just eat them cause I like em. I’m not hurtin nobody.
I wish they made giant circus peanuts. I’d hollow them out and use them as house shoes.
Twinkie loaf?
Hiya
The round ones look like those N-A-S-T-Y cheese puffs by Planters. Kinda gaggy, imo. The twists? Hmmm. Think I’ll take your word on this one, Jeff.
(I am, for the record, addicted to the jalapeno ones. ADDICTED.)
Is a twisted puff reincarnated in the same form in it’s afterlife?
Frito lays are sold under the brand Walkers in England they recently had a contest for people to suggest a flavor & they would make it. The most poular would become a regular brand one of the flavors was cajun squirrel, another: builders breakfast was : egg,bacon,sausage & baked bean flavor!! I kid you not!:
http://www.walkers-crisps.co.uk
Weekend top ten.
Top 10 – on the rare weekend update.
Can’t stand those puffy cheese puffs – love the crunchie ones (as long as they are “expired”)
Sundaze update?!
Excellent!
11! First loser!
I would be happy to see a shoe box-sized Twinke! It would take a while to eat but, damn, would it be good. Thank the Lord for preservatives.
I love regular cheese puffs, but somehow giant ones just don’t appeal. Now a giant twix bar, that I could go for.
When I saw an update on Sunday, I knew it must have been important. Simply excellant.
Jeff, I sent you some pics from my local bar in FL. Did you get ’em?
Sash o’ Funyuns….can’t stop giggling.
A local (well national really) radio station had a contest last year for listeners to suggest and vote for a new flavour potato chip. The winner was “Beef Gravy” flavour and the chip compant actually did a small run of a couple of hundred bags…then the demand was so great that they did another run of a few thousand to be sold thru retail outlets…check out Hamish & Andy (the DJ’s) at http://www.foxfm.com.au they’re hilarious, always coming up with zany stunts and ideas, this year they sailed a tall ship from Melbourne to Tasmania…..it took a week and they were all very sick!
I gotta get me some of those cheesy light bulbs. Are they supposed to last 5 times as long as normal cheetos?
I love those Big Kats. The giant Kit Kat bars they make now.
I’ve seen the same commercial watching the television with my own youngling, and was indeed curious. Thank you Jeff, for sacrificing your own gums and soft palette getting the “hard” facts.
Sometimes I wonder about the tireless hordes of corporate food scientists, always seeking to invent the next Holy Grail of snacks (or at least devise a cheap way to unload that extra 100 palettes of Fumaric Acid left over from last year’s Cuttlefish Fritos Fiasco).
Also, this is probably a good place to admit not a day goes by that I don’t mourn the passing of the Jalapeno Cheddar 3D Dorito. Among bag snack innovations of the last ten years, they stand tall with the Kettle Salt and Pepper ripple chip.
I missed the original comment, so I will head out tomorrow to research these Jalapeno Cheetos.
Suck on it, emo kid!
http://www.greatbigstuff.com/peppermintstick.html
I’d like to see a Little Debbie Oatmeal Snack Cake the size of my truck tire. I think i got diabetes just typing that.
@Pagan – Cajun Squirrel? WTF?
Sasquatch needs snacks!
two words
tato skins.
for some reason the cheetoh thing reaaaalllly struck me as funny. maybe i’m still loaded from yesterday.
buuuuuut
I did see this and this harkens back to something you talked about a few weeks ago.
much love
and downloaded from emusic
I have five clocks in my life
and only one has the time right
i’ll just unplug it for today
ill just unplug it for today
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgBeu3FVi60
I occasionally enjoy normal-people-size Cheetos, but what I miss are the Planters (I think) cheese balls that came in a can. For some reason those are the most delicious of all crunchy cheesy snacks in my memory.
I had some of those marshmallow-shaped Cheetos, but they were “red hot” flavored.
Banana in a bag
Hawkins Cheezies are the best thing ever. http://www.cheezies.com/flash.htm .I am addicted.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
giant sized snack foods!!
loaf of bread sized Gummi Bears
Frisbee sized OREOs
softball sized Caramel Cremes
golf ball sized Skittles
yard long Twizzlers(they may already have those..)
I miss Planter’s Cheez Balls too! Apparently I’m not the only one: http://www.petitiononline.com/cheez123/
That giant “twisted puff” looks like one of Tony the Tiger’s yard-biscuits.
For some reason, I felt compelled to try the new giant Cheetos. I forgot that I have a small mouth. My husband was in hysterics when I “popped” one in my mouth and then couldn’t chew it til it had softened enough for me to get it between my molars.
A friend who was visiting thought it would be bright to point out, “Well, now we know what she sounds like when she’s…” at which point he had to duck from the book I’d thrown at him.
If I get really drunk on beer, my Number 2 looks like that twirlie puff the next day.
http://www.pimpthatsnack.com/
Big snacks for all to enjoy
nice coffee mug, Jeff.