When my heart finally says ‘enough!’ and they load my bloated carcass into the incinerator (omg, the popping and the hissing!), nobody will remember me for my clothes. Not a single person. But I’ve known people whose style of dress is the first thing that pops into my mind, when I think of them.
No, when it comes to the physical world, I just want to blend-in with the masses. I prefer to look like most other people, and smell like nothing. It might be boring, but that’s the way I roll. I lurk in the shadows, watching. I’m a better reporter than a newsmaker. For better or worse.
The idea of covering myself in tattoos, getting all pierced-up like a walking tackle box, or choosing some unusual style of dress is completely foreign to me. And I love how the people who do this are often fond of the phrase, “What the fuck are you looking at?!” Hilarious.
But, like I say, I’ve encountered my share of people who are defined (in my head, anyway) by the clothes they wore/wear. I suspect you guys are no different. So, I’m gonna briefly describe some of these folks, and turn it over to the Surf Report army. Pass the beer nuts.
· At a previous job, there was a guy who fancied himself a modern-day rockabilly hipster. He liked to wear pegged pants, ridiculous little boots, bolo ties, etc. He was nice enough, but the way he dressed is the only thing I can really remember about him. Not a good sign.
· I know a man who wears nothing but clothing emblazoned with the West Virginia University logo. Literally, everything he owns (as far as I know) is WVU-themed. He also needs to go up a size on his sweatshirts, etc. ‘Cause when he bends over, they ride halfway to his shoulder blades and there’s half-a-yard of crack right out in the open air. And I can’t have that.
· I’ve worked in offices most of my adult life, and there have been numerous women in their 50s and 60s who were fond of the hideous sweater. You know what I’m talking about: the seasonal or holiday themed abominations which sparkle and sometimes have moving parts. Often, the designs on the front of these horrible things require you to employ depth-perception, and that’s not something that should come into play when looking at a shirt. Or am I way off on it?
· I once knew a kid who wore turtlenecks all the time, and I called him the Turtleneck Warrior, for some reason. What a fantastic, fully realized douche he was.
· And similar to the hideous sweater brigade, there’s often one guy in an office who is apparently heterosexual, but dresses in all the latest fashions. He always looks like a page out of Esquire magazine, but… you know, goes out with girls. It’s baffling to me.
Now I’m going to pass the baton to you folks, and get ready for work. In the comments please tell us about people you remember because of their clothes.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, right here.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Evil Twin t-shirts now only $13!
-- Steve says
A couple come to mind. There are folks I haven’t seen since high school, who, as far as my brain cares, are still walking around in popped-collar polos, deck shoes and monogrammed sweaters.
Wait, what’s the problem with using depth perception when looking at a woman’s sweater? If some parts are closer to the viewer than others, isn’t that usually a good thing? Maybe I’m not looking at the right sweater-wearing women…
I knew a guy when I was in the navy back in the 80s that always wore red leather pants when not in uniform. It is hard to project the hair band image with a squid haircut.
Used to have a girl (a rarity where I work) that worked here. She was in her mid-twenties, half-Thai, half-American, nice body. But she wore form-fitting clothing and shirts that bared about 2 inches of her midriff and complained all the time about how nobody took her seriously because of her looks, how she wished she were ugly (Heh – she was; on the inside).
Now, keep in mind I work in maintenance at a car factory. We all get dirty working on the equipment and stuff. BUT we show up clean. Except one Guy. He shows up looking as if he just completed a 12 hour shift in a coal mine. Or possibly he is a part time lube Guy at a large mammal breeding facility. Either way, he needs more showers than he is getting.
I can’t seem to take people seriously when they wear hollister, south pole or any shirt that says MMA. I don’t get trends.
Dave's not here, man says
Well, there really were two guys that stood out in college. There’s the one quiet guy that wore all black – every single day. Black t-shirt, black jeans, black boots, and the big-ass black trenchcoat. Also dyed his hair jet black. You would think he’s hiding a shotgun somewhere in there, but when he spoke he had an amazing little whiny nerdy voice, so he just came across as weird.
An then there’s the guy who wears nothing but concert t-shirts from heavy metal bands. Hey, I’ve worn a few myself, but not every single freakin’ day!
We just got a new VP and one of the first tings he said is no more wearing jeans to work. You’d think he’s asking everyone to go out and buy tuxedos to wear to work with all the complaining! Sheesh!
That is all.
Welp…this is a subject I could just go on and on about. There are a lot of “fashion faux pas” walking around out there…lemme tell ya. And I hang out with most of them. Not that I’m exactly Vogue material, cause I ain’t. But I sure as hell have a few mirrors in my house that don’t lie.
One of them is a guy who is stuck in the 80’s. True-blue mullet hair that he cuts himself; peg leg jeans..now called “skinny jeans”. He’s not skinny. Drives a Trans AM..no shit. Loves his look and doesn’t plan on changing anytime soon.
A couple of the girls we hang with refuse to give up the ol’ belly shirt. No matter how much muffin top they have. They’re in they’re 40’s. Give it up. Ugh.
There was another guy we haven’t seen for a while we actually call him “Belly Bob” because every summer when he’s hot, he either cuts off his shirt mid abdomen or folds it underneath.
I work with a guy who wears overalls every day. he’s always pulling on the straps while hes talking and it cranks ’em up in the back, yuck!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
There’s a salesman at my workplace that’s been here about a year. Apparently he lost a tremendous amount of weight before he started working here.
however, he kept all his old clothes. So, his belt wraps around his waist almost twice, the pants are cinched tight and show weird creases and fabric folds in unusual places.
The collared shirts are way too big for his reduced frame. Looks like a 14 inch neck in a 18½ collar. His head just kind of floats there.
And when sweater weather rolls around, look out. Everyone he owns now stretches almost down to his knees and there is a good 6 inches of sleeves hanging beyond the end of his finger tips.
Bill in WV says
LOL, I’m picturing Beetlejuice, right after the voodoo guy shrunk his head.
..or David Byrne from Talking Heads in his really big suit.
Bill you know Jeff was talking about you and the WVU shirts, lol!!!! (couldn’t help it)
Bill knows who I’m talking about it, and it isn’t him.
When I was in highschool (in the early 90’s), one of my best friends took to wearing black all the time. Tight black jeans, black Converse, and faded t-shirts with the “The Door’s” imprinted on the front, etc.
It sort of happened gradually so I didn’t really notice until my parents started calling her “blackbird” as a nickame. Everytime she left our house my dad would dance around singing “blackbird singing in the dead of niiiiight!!”. It was hilarious. *snort*
I went through a wearing all black all the time phase. I got over it when my Mom started calling me Johnny Cash.
In junior high and high school, I had a classmate who wore nothing but matching sweatshirts and sweatpants – never any designs, just solid colors. I didn’t learn this until fairly recently, but apparently her “fashion” statement was the result of a tailbone injury that prevented her from wearing anything constricting. And it’s not a clothing item, but she was also never without a fanny pack.
A friend told me she once saw this girl wearing jeans, and I can neither picture nor believe it.
I am the grey man. I have a closet that looks like it is out of a cartoon. Besides work clothes I have 4 grey t-shirts and 2 green t-shirts. My blue jeans are old and faded to the point of being grey. When I am not at work I am covered head to toe in nondescript, other than the color, grey garments. I walk the streets like a phantom, passing by the cement and concrete like a living shadow pressed like a pillow-case at midnight against the dreary face of humankind.
I do have tattoos, but they are in a place that you cannot see them, even if I wear the skimpiest grey outfit. And they aren’t on my cockandballs.
This line is hilarious….
“I walk the streets like a phantom, passing by the cement and concrete like a living shadow pressed like a pillow-case at midnight against the dreary face of humankind.”
I almost spit out my sweet-tea!!
He said cock and balls.
Lori in Cbus says
and he smushed them together..
Epic! I am also…a fellow phantom!
Since I live in a college town, it is pretty common to see a lot of people covered in tattoos. And all the college girls pretty much dress exactly alike.
Son of Sam says
I work with a guy who always has one button to many undone on his shirt. Looks like a 70’s porn star.
Ahhhh. I forgot about that. I work with a Guy with similar style. Complete with bushy chest hair. There is another Guy who wears coveralls in the same manner. I always think he’s probably naked underneath.
That porn star look is usually completed with a nice thick gold chain. LOL.
Chuck in Belpre says
When I worked at Corning there was one guy that would sometimes wear pant-suits. Think Hillary pant-suits. He really did. We also had a big ol’ boy that would wear overalls without a shirt. Looked like a hog farmer.
I work with someone (mid-50s) who I call Pretty In Pink because she insists on wearing these fuschia pink stretchie pants and T shirt over her 4 foot 9, 300 plus pound frame. And let me just say, we’re employed in the kind of corproate business settin where “stretchies” should be deemed inappropriate.
I can’t stand “themed” clothing. I’m sure I’ll be gawking at a lot of pumpkin and witch shirts this week.
Someone, for the love of Christ, tell Steve Jobs that the stretched black turtleneck and filthy jeans make him look like a colossal douche.
Oh, i do have an orange t-shirt that my wife purchsed to add color to my side of the closet. I look like a 220 pound pumpkin in that shirt. I hate it.
You can wear it in a few days and knock off “themed” clothing off your list in one fell swoop!
At my old job (tech guy for office equipment/supply) we had a customer who fancied himself a writer, and would come in every so often for supplies. Don’t get me wrong, this is a small town, but we aren’t hillbillies here. Apparently this guy thought we were. He was always dressed in blue-jean overalls and a nasty white crewneck undershirt, sometimes no shoes, and he kept a ridiculously long back scratcher stuck down the back of his shirt and the whole time he was talking to you he’d scratch his back with it every couple of minutes. He always left enough of the side buttons undone so that you could see he had no drawers on and he always reeked of some strange chemical that I could only place as ammonia and pee. He’d come in and order a few reams of high dollar typewriter paper and typewriter reel to reel style ribbon. Everybody said he had all kinds of money, so he must have just been making some sort of statement.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I’m glad to see someone else using the term tackle box to describe an overly-pierced youth. Most of the times that have tried to use this term, folks have looked at me like I am speaking Chinese or something.
I worked in tech support call center for Dell and one of our techs there came to work every day wearing some solid color long sleeved dress shirt, black slacks, black trench coat and a fake raven attached to his shoulder. He was weird to say the least.
And in case you were wondering, yes the raven would “talk” to you
There is a girl where I work who ALWAYS wears purple. She may have blue jeans on, but there is guaranteed to be a purple shirt, purple shoes, purple socks etc. She writes with a purple pen, has a purple cell phone cover…..you get the idea. Enough already!
Hmmmm. I work with a guy who wears all the hippie garb, deadhead shirt, bandanna, and what not.
He also has a concealed weapons permit, and carries a really, really large handgun.
I can imagine the cops rolling with laughter, upon coming upon a shooting scene, and interviewing the perp………..
“Um, lemme get this straight, you tried to mug a hippy, wearing birkenstocks and a tye-die, and he pulled a large frame revolver from his pants, and shot you, and then fled the scene????”
(Cop leans toward paramedic, and quietly whispers)
“Better do a drug test on this one, he’s really out there”…………….
Teachers in garish holiday sweaters. They have them for every holiday. I wanted to puke all over them.
big bear in OH says
Used to work with a lady who wore vests. She already looked like shrek, and around the middle of november, busted out a vest and cream colored shirt. I could not stop laughing. All of my friends still refer to that time as “When you worked for Shrek”.
One of my best friends was given a box of T-shirts from the local recreation department, all sleeveless, all the same size, but every different color you could think of. It’s not uncommon to see the same thing on every t-shirt every day through the entire summer.
I am fairly heavily tattooed. I get shitty looks, but I always just smile. It used to bug me but not anymore. In fact, its an easy way to get 65 and older people the hell out of my way in stores. I once heard a story about Mr. Rogers, that he was covered in tattoos and killed the fuck out of people in Vietnam. I hope it’s true.
Unfortunately not true. Looked into it,being a tattooed Jarhead who served in Iraq and freakin’ loved Mr. Rogers. Oh well…
So does it bug you if nosey people like me ask you about your tattoos? That’s what I do… if you’re showing, I’m asking.
Not at all! Every one of them has a story behind it and I always catch little kids touching my arm to see if it’s real. What a trip! Kids are so cool like that.
Root 66 says
How about Jim Tressel and his iconic sweater vest at Ohio State? Go Bucks!
And don’t forget the most famous person known for his clothes–Liberace!! And don’t act like your too young to remember him, either–I know better!
Lori in Cbus says
Tressel is pure class!! O H I O
Oh man, I travelled from St. Marys, WV to NYC back in the 1980s on a business trip. My business partner got us tickets to see Liberace at Radio City. I thought I was totallt too cool for it, and figured my 18 year old wife (now “the ex”) was waaaaay too cool for it. But seriously, we were totally blown away by Liberace!!!!
And the way he embraced his audience was fantastic. He brought a dozen or so upper middle aged women from the audience onstage and gave each one a red rose and a kiss. Man, that guy WAS the ultimate showman! 20-some years later, my ex-wife regales in telling of the time she got to go to Radio City and see Liberace!
Liberace’s stuff’s’s goin cheap, or so I am told. They’re shutting down his “museum”.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Speaking of unusual clothes; what in the heck is a foghat anyway?
Hmmm, I wonder if people have something to say about me. I wear Orange every Friday. Most of the time it has a Clemson logo on it but not always. Oh well!!
Lori in Cbus says
There’s this chick in my department that weighs about 110 and wears summery clothes in the winter and then bitches all fricking day about how cold it is.. Corporate took away her heater from under her desk and i had a nice chuckle.. damn entitled skinny bitches
Jenny Piccalo says
Remember Chic Jeans , the mom jeans of the early 80s? I remember a man in my town who used to wear them . Crazy Bill we called him , he was a half wit . But it was still hilarious to see a grown man in Mom jeans ! Still makes me laugh to think about him.
Yes, I remember Chic Jeans. I had a pair that were my favorites. I mistakenly allowed my younger sister to borrow them, she left them in the floor, and my dog ate the crotch out of ’em. I wish I had taken a picture, because it was funny to me. I was pissed about my jeans, but the eaten out crotch was hilarious.
Jenny Piccalo says
Too Funny !
Bill in WV says
But, they made my ass look so good !!
There used to be a crossdresser who frequented the mall at Effingham, Illinois, a very small town. He would show up at the mall, wearing a dress. He didn’t try to actually look like a woman. No makeup or anything like that. He had hairy legs, and was often unshaven. He just looked like a man with a dress on. He was quite convivial, and spoke with anyone. He didn’t care how he looked. He’d just cruise the mall with a dress on. Apparently, everyone knew him, or was aware of him, and no one seemed to be bothered by his appearance. He was just the guy in a dress. Really weird for a small town.
I grew up in Robinson, IL! Effingham! That’s a blast from the past.
WB in OH says
Do you suppose it’s real name is Fuckingham, and to clean it up they call it Effingham?
WB…you might be onto something there. The band’s van broke down there and we spent a day at the 76 truck stop to get it rollin’. Quite a few ham fuckers around as I remember.
Since I work for a plastic surgeon we get all kinds of strange requests. This guy comes in now and then…BIG dude..goes at least 250+ lbs. Calls himself “Christine”. Always wears womens dresses, a long curly wig, polished fingernails, red lipstick, blush, false lashes, lots of jewelry, old-lady purse (pocketbook – as my grandmother would say). Always unshaven…face, arms, legs. Hairy as hell.
The story goes is he doesn’t have the money for the actual gender reassignment operation. So he is always requesting less costly operations such as beast augmentation, tummy tuck, facial rejuvenation. We make the appointment for him knowing he’ll never show. I kind of feel bad for him as he seems so “lost”.
Sat in on the tranny operation once. Unbelievable. But as the saying goes: It’s easier to raise a pole than to sink a hole”.
Son of Sam says
They keep cutting the wrong fucking head off these assholes. Christ bullets are cheap.
I know I probably can’t expect any sort of empathy for the gay, lesbian, and transgendered community on here, but Jeezus, your reaction was a little harsh.
I meant pocrine. I had no idea there was another meaning for ham. I’m here to learn.
-- Steve says
There’s this one guy that is wearing the exact same thing every time I see him. White robes, an outrageous hat, a tiny white cape (or possibly wings) and red shoes.
I’d have a get up like that dirty two minutes after stepping out the door.
there’s a woman at work who is at least my age (late 40’s) who wears lil sundresses and hooker heels to work every day. And POUNDS of makeup. And a Brooklyn accent so thick it would take a chainsaw to cut through.
She is about 5 foot nothin’ and speaks with a lisp.
I’m sure she’s good at what she does, but I’ll be jiggered if I know what that is, given the visual and aural assault that comes with any interaction with her.
tiff, I’m so glad that my ex-wife has finally found a job! And yes, she’s good at what she does…but you’d have to be a man to fully realize the expertise, lol!
Jeff, according to the 2010 census, there were 1,819,777 people living in West Virginia. I may have know the guy emblazoned in WVU clothing that you were talking about. Could you narrow it down a bit? Did he have a WVU front license plate, or a WV decal in the back window of his pickup and/or Chevy Malibu?
And sad as it may sound, from a globetrotting person such as myself, but I got Nuthin’! I have a brother who used to wear flannel shirts ALL the time, winter or summer…but other than that, nothing sticks out in my mind. Of course, admitting that makes me realize that I may be the person that other people make fun of because of my choice of wardrobe.
Come on, Clint. You ran a bar in Parkersburg. You couldn’t look that weird. Hell, y’aint Zack Jones! LOL !!
Okay, I was the guy behind the bar with the endless supply of Alexander Julian shirts. Heck, that place brought in so much money that instead of doing laundry, I just went down to the Mall in the afternoon and bought a new shirt to wear on Fridays and Saturdays.
Greg…do you remember Slick Six? I still have their demo tape that they cut at the recording studio in downtown P’burg. I’m hoping to have a friend of mine at the radio station I do a show at, put it onto a CD for me. When I get it done, I’ll mail you a copy free of charge, if you’d like it.
Chuck in Belpre says
He can’t be the aforementioned Mr. Jones…the place didn’t burn down.
Uh…….I know what you’re talking about……. I think they’re out of that now. From what I heard recently, Zack and Todd are partners in all the “cafe’s” in town now. Don’t know why Todd hooked up with Zack, but it’s an easy way to make money.
Chuck in Belpre says
me and my big mouth.
I sure do, and I’d love a copy! Nothing like the good old days! Wow! Their demo! That’d be great! I’m up for it!
Clothes are underrated…
Let’s get naked!!!!!
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I suppose that people talk a whole lot about my wardrobe choices behind my back. Especially because I like to wear leather chaps with no pants on casual Fridays at work,
R.K Salisbury…freshman and sophomore Latin teacher. Every day…blue or grey pinstripe suit with matching vest. Vest buttoned and his pocket watch and gold chain fob right where it goes.
Third year Latin…(yeah, I know)…Miss Lynch. She was goth before it was Goth. Long black hair, red lipstick and a mid-shin knitted, black ‘long sweater’?. She wore sandles that resembled Earth Shoes. Brickenstock may have been around but Anna Kelso was still figureing out to make a shoe that doesn’t cause you to fall over backwards
I do know Cabela’s sells a lot of camouflage wear but I’ve not seen anybody wearing it..
Come to my (red) neck of the woods during hunting season. Lots of camo.
camouflage…can’t see ’em?….tough fuckin’ room I tell ya!
OMG, maybe it was something with Latin teachers! I took 2 semesters in college, and my prof. wore the exact same thing every day. Pale blue suit, blue oxford shirt, and jungle print tie in neon colors. We finally figured out that he owned at least two of the suits, because some days he would sport a patched-over hole in the trousers. Totally strange. I know non-tenured professors aren’t exactly rolling in money, but damn, go to Walmart or something and buy some khakis and a polo.
In college there was a gal who wore loud pink miniskirts, orange vests, rainbow stockings, costume jewelry, and way too much makeup (pink and orange, usually). This was 1982 or so. She was Cindi Lauper before Cindi Lauper was Cindi Lauper.
Beware of all men in capes that are not Barnabas Collins. They are posers of the worst kind.
And anyone wearing a beret outside of Montmartre who is under 70 years old is not to be trusted.
A beret together with a cape (on a man) is grounds for termination with extreme prejudice.
I have a problem with berets, and capes.
Dave's not here, man says
I kind of agree with you on the berets and capes, but I know some badass guys that wear green berets. Wouldn’t want to screw with them.
Agree completely – there should be a military exception to the beret rule.
Also, a kangol, worn properly as per Samuel L. Jackson, is a badass fashion statement and should not be confused with a beret.
Barnabas Collins!! WOW! “Dark Shadows”. Holy crap does that bring back memories. I can’t remember if we talked about it here but apparently Johnny Depp purchased the rights to that show and is doing a remake with Wes Craven. Johnny as Barnabas Collins. Hope it’s true. I loved that show. Yes…I’m an old bitch.
The original Barnabas, Jonathan Frid, used to do tours and talk about the show. It was on at 4 o’clock so we would run home from school to watch it with the curtains drawn.
It was canceled to make room for the soap All My Children.
Jenny Piccalo says
Oh I forgot Green Jacket. Weird dude at work . Wears a green parka year round (even in the summer when it’s 90) for four solid years. If you were having a conversation and mentioned him by his name, Mark , people would go “who?” ….then when you answered “you know , Green Jacket ” ….they would go “Oh , ok I never knew his name” .
We had lots of theories as to why the green jacket never came off . One guy thought he was a woman living as a man , did I mention he has a full zz topish beard !? I guess that guy thought he was covering his boobs.
We heard he had these extended bathroom breaks and the smell was reported to be unbelievable so we decided perhaps he had a colostomy bag and emptied it at work. Hid the bag under the jacket .
One supervisor said he cracked up after his mom died and he had his pockets stuffed with his inheritance .
Another supervisor said he would get mad if he was not allowed to take his ten minute break with his half hour lunch, she said he was probably cruising around town looking for his next victim on his extended lunch and he might be hiding a knife or something in his jacket.
Well after years of the Green Jacket he waltzes in last month in a black leather jacket ! No fucking explanation . I want to know where that Goddamn green jacket is !
Oh but we still refer to him as Green Jacket.
There was this really fucked up wack job that used to wear one glove all the time. Fuckin’ weird.
Did anybody read the last reply from Saturdays Are the Key to Everything? Somebody named mexicomotorcycle must have felt like being an ass.
Good job. I really enjoyed this update.