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Peeing Ground Beef And Hydraulic Ass-Lifts: The Funniest Medical-Related Stories We’ve Ever Heard

January 23, 2018 By Jeff 31 Comments

I was talking with my dad on Sunday and he told me about someone he knows who has a “condition” that causes his toenails to be really thick. He said they’re so tough he practically had to use bolt cutters to trim them. “They’re about a quarter-inch thick,” he assured me. So, at some point, the man had to start visiting a doctor every three weeks, to have his toenails trimmed in a professional setting. And his health insurance covers it.

Needless to say, I was laughing my ass off during this entire segment of the conversation. I asked if the man was visiting a horse doctor, which was semi-funny. And my dad did about three tight minutes on how the person could use his big toes as weapons, which was funnier.

I also have an aunt (or somesuch) who has to regularly go to a clinic and have her esophagus “stretched.” I also find this to be quite hilarious.

I’m sure these things aren’t exactly a laugh riot to the people on the receiving end, but I’m sorry… I’m laughing. Not at them, but at the ludicrousness of the situations. I’ve heard about people whose urine turns to the consistency of Log Cabin pancake syrup. Again, not funny for the poor bastard dealing with it, but how could you not, at least, chuckle about some shit like that?

Do you have anything in this category? Some medical thing you heard about that makes you laugh, even if you don’t wanna? That last part doesn’t bother me in the least, but I know I might be in the minority.

The absolute greatest thing I’ve heard on this subject was from a former co-worker who had a lot of trouble with his digestive system. The man did constant ’round the clock battle with his colon and sphincter and whatnot. That part’s not super-funny. I’d hate to have something drizzling out of my ass at all times, or threatening to go off like a fecal blasting cap. Wait a minute… maybe it is a little funny?

In any case, he told me about a botched surgery he experienced years ago. And this is where it gets hilarious… It was some kind of operation on his intestines that went horribly wrong. They were trying to re-route something, and errors were made. The guy told me he ate Hamburger Helper the day after the surgery and found himself “pissing ground beef” later in the night. He also reported that the next morning he was “farting loudly through his penis.”

I don’t think I stopped laughing for a solid minute, which is a long time.

I also worked with a guy in Atlanta who had to lie facedown on a platform once and be hydraulically lifted high in the air, with a “flashlight” up his ass. I heard him tell this story at least ten times, and it never got old. He could not explain the reason for the elevation, which makes it even funnier, I think.

And my mother worked with a woman who went in for a colonoscopy years ago and felt fine afterward. So, she disregarded doctor’s warning and went straight to a restaurant for a lunch of cheesesteak and fries. And she fully and completely shit her pantsuit while coming down the escalator at Town Center Mall.

Do you have anything on this? Again, I’m not making light of The Struggle, or anything like that. But, c’mon. Some of this stuff is so crazy, you’ve got to laugh. Right? …Hello?

Please use the comments link, and I’ll be back soon.

Have a great day, my friends.

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Comments

  1. Kenju says

    January 23, 2018 at 12:11 pm

    Sounds hilarious until it happens to you.

    Reply
  2. Jorge says

    January 23, 2018 at 12:16 pm

    I once treated a guy who drank peroxide because the Internet told him to. He ingested around 9 liters of oxygen, some which got to his brain and ended up causing a stroke. We fixed him and had a talk about not getting medical advice from the Internet.

    Had a guy get shot through the leg with a framing nailer. Nail went in just above the outside of his knee (which was bent) and the point was sticking out below. It took 3 guys and a pair of pliers borrowed from maintenance to get it out.

    Various things in butts are always good for a chuckle.

    Almost forgot my favorite- a guy who attempted suicide by putting a pan on the stove, adding some butter and tossing in some bullets. He then held his face over the pan and waited.

    He ended up with a small cut on his lip and on a ventilator because the first hospital he went to thought he had smoke inhalation because of the gun power staining near his nose.

    He was fine overall and was seen by a psychiatrist.

    Reply
    • Ben Kritz says

      January 23, 2018 at 12:31 pm

      Is it wrong that my first thought was, “Why butter?”

      Reply
      • Jorge says

        January 23, 2018 at 4:43 pm

        We all figured he did want the bullets to stick to the pan

        Reply
    • Adam says

      January 23, 2018 at 1:19 pm

      Should have used peanut oil… has a higher burn temp.

      Reply
      • chill says

        January 23, 2018 at 8:36 pm

        Butter not only provides good flavor, but also creates better browning. Or Browning, as the case may be.

        Reply
        • Limey says

          January 24, 2018 at 9:49 am

          Fond of the high caliber pun.

          Reply
        • Root 66 says

          January 25, 2018 at 9:05 am

          …then maybe they should fry them in Smith & “Wesson” oil! 🙂

          Reply
  3. Patrick says

    January 23, 2018 at 1:11 pm

    When I was about 12 or 13 a friend of mines mom was an emergency room nurse. This guy comes in with a vibrator up his ass in the on position and they couldn’t get ahold of it. So he had to sit in there for 3 or 4 hours till the batteries ran down. I’m 40 years old and still chuckle when I think about it

    Reply
  4. chill says

    January 23, 2018 at 8:39 pm

    Comedy is you slipping on a banana peel while a piano falls on you. Tragedy is me having a hangnail.

    See also “Road Runner.”

    Reply
  5. Dr. Buford says

    January 23, 2018 at 10:47 pm

    Heh, the ole Steak Escape and shityerpants maneuver…

    I loved that place. Even after 7 years of living in Philly I’d put a late-80s Steak Escape up against any of south Philly’s finest. Except for green peppers. Because green peppers are bullshit especially on cheesteaks.

    PS – great fries, too.

    Reply
  6. Phil Jett says

    January 24, 2018 at 8:44 am

    After years of acid reflux I had to get my esophagus stretched. Because of scaring over the years, the opening was the size of a piece of lead in a mechanical pencil. Swallowing was next to impossible, even large gulps of water were getting stuck. The stretch took about 15 minutes under light anesthesia and in the ten years since I’ve had zero issues. I was told I would probably have to get re-stretched once in a while but getting my gall bladder removed reducing acid has made acid-reflux a non-issue and for me it has been a once and done.

    Reply
  7. Marshall Daulton says

    January 24, 2018 at 10:10 am

    I’ve worked as an ultrasound tech at hospitals/ob-gyn offices for nearly 30 years and man, I can tell you some stories…
    One was about 20 years ago… 30 year old man comes in through the ER with a “foreign body” problem. One of our naive x-ray techs asks me ” what does a penile implant look like on x-ray” after she took an image. As I looked you saw AA batteries….the guy lost a vibrator in his ass!!! It gets better…as you walked by him in the hallway…you could hear it still humming!!!!

    Same ER…two construction workers come in…one on a stretcher with his boot still on one foot and a 2X6 nailed to bottom of his foot…bad nail gun accident. ER Dr. calls maintenance to bring a claw hammer the ER…that is how nail was removed!!

    And the best….a couple again comes through the ER… in pretty bad shape. They were giving each other Vodka enemas!!!! I can’t make this crap up…they nearly died from alcohol toxicity!! Lesson – don’t shove liquor up your ass!!!!

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      January 24, 2018 at 1:46 pm

      Vodka enemas??? Wow, what a waste of good booze.

      Reply
  8. madz1962 says

    January 24, 2018 at 2:31 pm

    Ugh – my mom is in the hospital right now so I got nothing. Why does merely sitting in a hospital room drain the life out of you?

    Reply
    • dto says

      January 24, 2018 at 3:37 pm

      Good time to practice your improv chops….cut the tension. Quite possible most folks around are doing some high quality pharmaceuticals so what appears to be a tough room….you’ll have ’em in stitches…if they don’t already have ’em. Then someday a person will write a comment about a crazy funny lady that did twenty minuets of the best improv comedy they have seen. Ya gotta think…what would Robin Williams do. But….all seriousness aside…hope things are fine for Mom and you…-dave

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        January 24, 2018 at 4:52 pm

        Awww, thanks, sweety! She IS getting released tomorrow. We thought she was going to a different hospital but she’s going home with the help of hospice aids. She’s 86, bedridden and developed bed sores. Other than that, she was “too healthy” to go to a hospice/pallative hospital.

        One kinda,funny story – I went to see her on Saturday – NYC and it was that **@*@ women’s march – everyone in their pink hats (I’m not getting political – I was just VERY inconvenienced). I had fun yelling to myself “OUT OF MY WAY ASSHATS!” My sister thought I meant the hats looked like pink asses. Yeah, she’s slow!

        Reply
  9. Root 66 says

    January 25, 2018 at 9:07 am

    I can’t help but wonder if the guy peeing ground beef isn’t the same one in the infamous “Macaroni & Beef” story!

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      January 25, 2018 at 1:46 pm

      LMAO! Wasn’t ready for that zinger!!

      Reply
  10. Doug says

    January 25, 2018 at 2:50 pm

    My dad was a cop and told me the story of a guy who went to the ER after a night of drinking with guys he had just met at a bar. He had blacked out but woke up in major pain. The doctors in the ER took an x-ray to find a light bulb had been shoved up his ass. Still intact. I wouldn’t have believed it but my dad had the x-ray. It hurts just thinking about it.

    Reply
    • Limey says

      January 25, 2018 at 7:36 pm

      Was it a 4ft florescent tube?

      That story brings up too many questions. I don’t think I want the answers. Wasn’t the brightest bulb in the room, was he?

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        January 26, 2018 at 1:54 am

        My understanding is that a full-spectrum bulb is better for the eyes. And I used to work for some people who regularly talked through their asses. Maybe it would have helped their vision.

        How can I explain?
        It’s so hard to get on
        And these visions of Johanna, kept me up past the dawn.

        John

        Reply
        • Limey says

          January 26, 2018 at 3:56 pm

          I’d have thought a 4ft florescent tube up the arse would be bad for the eyes, as well as bad for everything else en route.

          What state did this happen in? The geographic state, not drunken.

          Reply
          • Sidney says

            January 26, 2018 at 4:56 pm

            My money is on Florida.

            Reply
  11. chill says

    January 29, 2018 at 8:59 pm

    I read a new update on my phone today; it was about failed attempts at humor. There were even some comments. Now it’s vanished. Bi-zaah.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      January 30, 2018 at 1:19 am

      I do not know which to prefer,
      The beauty of inflections
      Or the beauty of innuendoes,
      The blackbird whistling
      Or just after.

      W. Stevens

      Reply
    • Limey says

      January 30, 2018 at 8:06 am

      y’all been day drinking again. SMH.

      Reply
    • Reefie says

      January 30, 2018 at 11:46 am

      I read the update also, chill. Even saw Jeff’s Face Book post about it. When I read it, it didn’t have any comments yet (which is something I always look forward to). Then it just vanished in thin air. Strange.

      Reply
      • Limey says

        January 30, 2018 at 12:23 pm

        (in best Poirot voice) The Brown Bomber, he strikes again.

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          January 30, 2018 at 1:52 pm

          The thing was there, then it vanished, like a fist when you open your hand. Thought it called for poetry, although I do miss day drinking. Been twenty years.

          jtb

          Reply
          • chill says

            January 30, 2018 at 10:44 pm

            A bell ringing in the empty sky.

            Barkeep! Ein bier, s’il vous plait.

            Reply

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