The West Virginia Surf Report!

This morning, before I even had my first cup of coffee, I was outside shoveling and cleaning off cars again. And, once again, I left work early last night on account o’ the bullshit. It snows almost daily, and I am well and completely sick of it. That pic is the street in front of our house. It’s looked like that, more or less, for a month or more. It’s maddening.

It’s also very cold. The current temperature is 28 here, which is better than it has been. When I leave work most nights my car tells me it’s 8 or 14, and I have to YANK on my door to break the ice seal and get inside. I’m probably going to need Tommy John surgery before spring, because of all the amplified door yanking.

Winter before last I drove home in a hell storm and got trapped on Interstate 81 for a long time. It was excruciating. And the younger boy and I drove back from Philadelphia that same winter, after seeing a show, through one of the most nerve-racking, scary-ass snowstorms of them all. And I’ve driven through many of them. But no more. I decided, after those two events, that I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not risking it. I used to risk it, and felt an obligation to do so. But I reached a point where I said, “Nope, I’ve done my time. I did my three hundred sphincter-clinchers, and now it’s somebody else’s turn.” So, I stay home or leave early. Like I did last night. I feel like my obligation was met long ago.

I know there’s bad weather all over the place this winter. Please bring us up to date on your situation, wherever you happen to be. Use the comments section. And I hope you’re safe, and have electricity and water, etc.

The good news: Spring Training is underway. That’s a sure sign that warmer weather is on the way. Just think: in just a few short months I’ll be on here bitching about the heat and humidity! Ahhh, the cycle of life.

Sorry this one is so abbreviated. I feel comfortable blaming it on the relentless snow.

Tell us about your current weather, and location. And please consider subscribing to the mailing list if you haven’t. Right here. I’m sending out a recap email every Friday. I think it’s pretty good. Check it out, if you’re so inclined.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great weekend!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal ([email protected]). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

A couple two tree random things before we get started here:

• I’m scheduled to get my first dose of the vaccine tomorrow afternoon. It’s through my job, and I signed up the moment I was eligible. Needless to say, there’s differing opinions on it. But I’m totally onboard. We have to get this shit behind us. So we can get back to baseball stadiums, concert halls, and a normal non-stilted trip to the goddamn Cracker Barrel. Oh yeah, and for health reasons too, I suppose.
• Yesterday I randomly chose a pair of underwear from the drawer that caused me great discomfort throughout the day. It wasn’t a tightness issue, it was the way they’re designed. There’s a mashing effect, and not enough give. Know what I’m talking about? There has to be some give! An uncomfortable pair of underwear can flat-out ruin your quality of life. Yet, at the same time… a comfortable pair is rarely appreciated. It’s like some jobs I’ve had in my life: I was only noticed when something went wrong. I was nothing more than a corporate ball sock. In any case, I will be more careful with my selection today. And, perhaps, a weeding out should happen soon?
• I recently stopped at a Sheetz convenience store on my way home from work and ordered a grilled cheese sandwich: Swiss and cheddar on sourdough, with a slice of ham. And as I was standing there waiting on it to be prepared this dude walked up and started engaging a touch screen. Hey, whatever. Portly men with dinosaur feet need to eat too. Also, the sandwich was delicious, in case you were focusing on all the wrong things.

The main topic I was planning to write about is something that happened to me a half-dozen or so times when I was a kid. It was before fifth grade, I know, because it happened at our first house on 21st Street. Are you familiar with something called sleep paralysis? I saw it mentioned somewhere online recently, and it triggered some unpleasant memories.

It’s where you’re asleep but dream you’re awake — and paralyzed. It’s genuinely terrifying. Your heart starts pounding, and it feels oh-so-real. I also recall trying to yell for my parents and not being able to do that either. Like I say, it happened maybe five or six times, all when I was young. But, thankfully, not once after 6th grade or so.

Have you experienced this horror? I’ve read that people have had heart attacks as a result of sleep paralysis, and I can believe it. It’s terrible.

I also had a dream, around the same time, that my parents were killed in a nightclub fire. I mean, they weren’t hanging out in too many nightclubs at the time, so there were plot holes. But it was so detailed and real that I remember my grandfather breaking the news to me and my brother, and seeing the news reports on TV. I can see the outside of the smoldering building in my mind. It still gives me a full-body shiver when I think about it. Crazy!

Thankfully that insanity stopped — after puberty? I don’t know the science behind it, but I’m happy it ended.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? Do you know what I’m talking about? Share your stories in the comments section, if you’re so inclined. Also, did you ever have a scary dream a long time ago that still haunts you? Not a “really weird dream” with Harry S. Truman, Mr. Whipple, and a salsa band. But something that was full-on terrifying? Please share. And, by the way, what do you think our Sheetz friend dreams about? I’d like to get your thoughts on that too.

And I need to call it a day, my friends.

I’ll be back soon, very soon.

Have a great weekend!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal ([email protected]). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The younger boy, as he’s known, came down to the bunker an hour or so ago and showed me the photo above on his phone. He asked if I’d ever heard of Mark Cohen, and I said, “Of the Nashville Cohens?!” Which is both confusing and not nearly as funny as I’d hoped.

Turns out, Cohen is a photographer who did most of his work around here — in the Upper Pierogi Belt. The picture he showed me was taken in 1976 and is titled Boy In Yellow Shirt Smoking. It’s reportedly Cohen’s most famous shot, and it was snapped in Scranton. I was not familiar, but instantly intrigued. I started doing some Googlin’ and that dude is pretty damn amazing. Here’s a good overview, and this is another. And here’s an odd bit of footage of him walking around Wilkes-Barre just walking up to people on the street taking their pictures — complete with obnoxious flash. I don’t really understand how somebody hasn’t kicked his ass yet, especially when he starts photographing peoples’ legs, and shit like that.

In any case, his photos are fantastic and right up my alley. I love stuff like this. He calls it “intrusive street photography,” which seems like a good descriptor. I feel like I might become a bit obsessed with this guy and his work now. And I didn’t know anything about him 90 minutes ago. A fresh obsession!

— And since we’re on the subject, here’s perhaps my most famous shot. It’s entitled Mr. Funnelpants Checks His Balance. I’m selling prints for $10,000 each. Serious inquiries only.

— I had a small but significant victory this morning, my friends. It was a long time coming too. For the past decade, maybe more, I’ve been attempting to secure the URL adsvsreality dotcom. Some sleazy company owned it for years, and was attempting to sell it for thousands of dollars. But I kept an eye on it, and noticed the asking price recently started dropping. It was still too much for me, but it got all the way down to $599 at one point. Still deep in “funk dat” territory, but it got my hopes up. Maybe those pirates were souring on it, and might eventually let it go? Then there was a mysterious auction that took place… I wanted to bid on it, but got spooked when the auction site asked me to send a photograph of my driver license, and a selfie of me holding the license. I mean, what the hell, man? It bugged me that I had to pass on the opportunity, but something felt off about the whole deal.

And today I just randomly checked it at GoDaddy, like I do a couple of times per month, and it was available! Not at a premium price, but just a regular everyday URL. I think I actually pumped my fist in the air and quickly purchased it — for $12.99. I should’ve bought it many years ago, when Ads vs Reality was popular and kicking. But it never occurred to me, ’cause I’m dumm. Oh, I probably won’t do anything with it (or maybe I will?), I just didn’t like the idea of someone else owning it. Is that weird? I didn’t think so.

— I’ve never dabbled with facial hair, except for one brief and mortifying era in California, but have about six days worth of growth going as I type this. It started over the weekend, rooted in nothing but laziness. Then the snow came, and I took Monday off from work, which super-sized the half-assery. By Tuesday I had something going, something I’d never seen before. And I’m letting it ride, baby! At least for the time being. Toney says it looks “terrible.” But it’s new to me and I find it mildly fascinating. It’ll be gone by Monday, for certain. But for now I’m just seeing what happens.

— I believe I mentioned this already, but I’m not sure about it. A few weeks ago I re-launched the weekly email. It comes out every Friday, and is a summary of all the Surf Reporty stuff that took place during the previous week. I think it’s pretty good. If you’re not signed up, you can rectify that here. And if you are signed up, and don’t want the emails, that’s cool. Just unsubscribe. It won’t hurt my feelings. Well, maybe a little. But I’ll survive.

— Earlier today I was listening to this Tom Petty album via Spotify. And mister, that thing is one of the most transporting albums of them all. For me, anyway. Several years ago there was a higher level of chaos than normal at the House of Kay and Toney and I were unable to take vacation together. Something to do with the hooligans. So, we decided we’d each take a trip alone. Toney met her sister in Myrtle Beach, which was kind of a cheat in my book. But I literally went on vacation by myself. I spent several days at Long Beach Island, NJ… all by myself. And during that trip I listened to that TP album nonstop, for reasons unknown. Now, when I play it or even hear a song from it, I’m transported back to that weird, disconcerting week. I wouldn’t do a beach trip alone again, I don’t think. I didn’t much care for it. I do love Tom Petty, though. A little more with each passing year, in fact. And that album has some kind of spooky quality that makes me slightly uneasy, but it’s a good kind of uneasy, if you can dig it.

Do you have anything like that? An album or song or even a smell, that takes you right back to some specific period in your life? At my previous job, which was inside a manufacturing plant, there was an area that I passed through on my way to the cafeteria every day that smelled EXACTLY like the old Dunbar Bowling Alley of my youth. Probably some cancer-causing agent that I was whiffing, but it always triggered a powerful nostalgia inside me. What do you have on this? Anything? Also, what are your thoughts on vacationing alone? It seems like a good idea, in abstract. But when it got down to reality… it wasn’t good for me.

And I need to call it a day, my friends.

I’ll see you guys again soon!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal ([email protected]). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

I haven’t but I’m not much of a gambler. I get no joy from it, only stress and regret. And where’s the fun in that? But I’m fixin’ to embark on a year-long gambling extravaganza.

I was talking to my dad a few days ago, you see, and we were discussing the recent billion dollar lottery jackpot. And he reminded me that a friend of his often proclaims the $10 scratch off ticket as the “best bet in all of gambling.” I’ve heard him say that before, and find it interesting. Sure, it sounds like the kind of standard bullshit you hear blowhards say all the time. But this guy is no blowhard, and he definitely knows a thing or two about what he’s talking about. I still don’t fully believe him, mind you, but he’s not just some mouthy asshole trying to act like a big shot. So…. I’ve decided to test it out. The best I can, anyway. Over the weekend I started the $10 Scratch Off Project. The way it works: every weekend I’ll buy one (and only one) $10 scratch off ticket, and on Mondays add the results to the tracker. I plan to do this for a year, and see where we stand at the end. I know it will be $520 out, but it will interesting to see how much comes back in. It won’t tell us if it’s the absolute “best bet,” but we should definitely know if it’s a good one. I think it will be fun.

I never buy scratch offs and rarely play the Powerball, and that sort of thing. I mean, I generally spend $10 per year on gambling, not $10 per week. So it makes me a little uneasy. It feels like flushing cash down the ol’ poop catcher. Heck, when Toney and I were in Las Vegas a couple of years ago I spent zero dollars on gambling. And we were there for more than a week. It’s just not my thing. But I’m doing it for the project! I think it will be interesting. I just hope it doesn’t flip some switch inside me and I become a degenerate gambler, like that guy who owned the sporting goods store on The Sopranos. That poor bastard ended up hanging himself! I’m leery of the demons lurking inside me. Wish me luck.

What’s your relationship with gambling? What’s the most you’ve ever won? What’s the most anyone you know has ever won? I used to talk to a guy on the phone at one of my other jobs. He worked at a CD pressing plant in California, and hit a multi-million dollar jackpot. That guy quit instantly and I never spoke with him again; he was out of there like shit through a goose. And who can blame him? And the guy my dad knows? Yeah, he’s hit two(!) $250,000 jackpots, and many smaller ones. Craziness. What do you have on this one? Please share in the comments.

This is a quickie, but I need to go to work. It’s snowing out there, so it might turn into one of those sphincter-clampers. OMG… I’m so sick of all this crap. The snow, the ice, the biting wind… I think I’m right on the verge of adjusting my official ranking o’ the seasons. More on that in a future update. Maybe.

Before I go I’d like to invite you to give the new podcast episode a listen. Right here. I think it’s a pretty good one.

And don’t give up on the previous website update. The comments were continuing on that one.

Have a great day, my friends.

I’ll see you again soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal ([email protected]). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

Last night Toney and I watched two episodes of a new show on HGTV called Self-Made Mansions. It’s basically House Hunters for people who recently became self-made millionaires. It’s an odd premise, but whatever. We watch these kinds o’ things. And there were a couple of things that struck me:

• Both couples seemed appreciative and grounded, not cocky and demanding like many people we see buying high-end homes on those types of programs. Yeah, I only saw two episode, which is a small sample size, but both couples seemed genuinely grateful. It was so unusual, I noticed it right away.
• Also, despite having almost identical budgets, the types of houses each couple had to choose from were wildly different, because of where they lived. I mean… strikingly different.

The first couple was in Charlotte, and had an $800,000 budget. And the houses they looked at were sprawling and luxurious, with a crazy amount of square footage. I don’t know if you’d call them mansions, but they were really, really nice.

And the second couple was in Portland, OR, with the same approximate budget. But the houses they looked at were similar to the one we live in here. I mean, it’s not bad, but nowhere near what those Charlotte folks were contemplating. It was amazing.

Today I thought I’d take a trip through Zillow and see what $250,000 would buy me in the various places I’ve lived during my life. Toney informed me that $250K is the average home price, so that’s why I chose it. And before we get started… I want you to know that I tried to choose a representative house for each city/town, I didn’t go with anything trying to be dramatic. So, let’s get started, shall we? I’ll do them in backwards chronological order.

Clarks Summit, PA

This one’s about $240K, in the town where we currently live. Here’s the listing, if you’re interested. It’s 3 bedrooms, 3 baths, 2083 square feet. It’s a ’70s throwback, but there’s a pool table.

Santa Clarita, CA

I had to raise the price to $300,000 on this one, because I was only getting results for land — no actual houses — at $250K. This one is listed at $279,999. It’s a 700 square foot, 1 bedroom, 1 bath condo built in 1985. Here’s the listing. “Cozy” and “super-cute” don’t bring me much comfort.

Lithonia, GA

I’m not sure why there are random shutters missing, but whatever. This home is listed at $260,000. It has 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, 2976 square feet. Here’s the listing. Looks nice! They need to place an order for at least six new shutters, though. Maybe there was a windstorm?

Atlanta (Virginia Highland area)

Atlanta is huge, so I limited my search to the area near where we lived. This is a 2 bedroom, 1 bath condo with 723 square feet. For $240K. Check out the listing if you’re interested. That area is not cheap.

Greensboro, NC

This one is listed at $249,000. It’s 1942 square feet and has 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. Here’s the listing. The inside looks nice. Reminds me of the house my parents had after they inexplicably moved to Charlotte for a few years.

Dunbar, WV

This is the most expensive house currently listed in my hometown. It’s $219,000: 4 bedrooms, 3 baths. There’s no square footage listed, but it’s big. Here’s the listing. I hope you love paneling!

So, there you go. The outliers, of course, are Southern California and our old neighborhood in Atlanta (where we were renters). The rest are relatively similar. Well, the Dunbar house is cheaper and probably bigger, and the one in Lithonia is big too. But it’s not as dramatic a difference as Charlotte vs. Portland on that show we watched last night. That was insane.

If you’d like, please share a link of a $250K house listing where you currently live. I used Zillow, but any will work.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends.

Have a great one!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal ([email protected]). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!