by Will

A message to this site's readers

The more I think about it, the more I’m disturbed by the results of theWVSR’s informal “over the fence” vs. “through the gate” poll.  It’s like learning that 78% of Americans believe that Santa Claus is Jesus’ brother and a fierce opponent of handgun background checks.

Finding WVSR readers to be a a receptive and thoughtful bunch, as well as a representative sample of the American population, I was frankly taken aback by your comments.  I'd like to share with you just a few reasons why I find your tendency toward fence hopping problematic.

The adult angle:

Surely we all remember the very first years of grammar school.  There was always that kid in the boys' room who still dropped complete trou’ at the urinal, nursery school style, not quite hip to the more advanced forms of bathroom etiquette.  While I’m sure you over-the-fencers don’t flaunt it, you are, in my view, perhaps repressed (abbreviated?) fanny flashers who need to feel the nakedness of your infancy in order to pee.  Without hesitation, I declare this creepy.

Spurning garment evolution:

What lessons, fence jumpers, haven’t you gleaned from the Industrial Revolution?  Little immigrant kids died in gigantic looms so that we might eventually enjoy such things as Velcro, zippers, distressed denim, and, yes, the little slot-flaps at the front of our boxers, briefs, and boxer/briefs.  Eschewing this tool is like opting to eat with your elbows when a perfectly good set of fingers is, um, at hand.  It's simple: unzip, extract, whiz, give a little shake, replace.  Think of the many extra steps-- not to mention the yanking and bending--required of the alternate method.  This is strongly connected to my third point:

Weird sphincter interference:  
Our penises are not, despite the bard's exhortation, detachable.  So, in a sense, "over-the-fence" is misleading imagery, as it suggests a leaping, sleepy time sheep.  In fact, you are dangling the sheep over the fence, or better yet hanging the sheep over the top so that the metal rail is cutting deeply into his esophagus.  When you pull your member over the top of your underthings, you are disturbing the passage of urine from your body to the outside world, and there are noteworthy ramifications: 1a) The sphincter loses elasticity over time (this is why old men are often depressed).  You are creating a frequent and unnecessary clenching and unclenching of these muscles that is hastening incontinence.  Why jump the gun, fellas?  1b)  While the elastic waistband of your shorts may lend a sense of control to the situation, this is an entirely ephemeral experience.  As many of you are clearly unwilling to admit, when the dog is finally put back in his cage, he's a-gonna drool.  What you have backed up has to come out sometime.  This leads smoothly into my fourth and final point...
 
Wrist strain and paper waste:
You have shaken and stirred and perhaps wiped, but when all is said and done you will find your efforts were for naught. 
 

In conclusion 

If the New York Times is even slightly accurate regarding the casual attire of Middle America , I assume that a good many of you may be regular wearers of sweatpants and/or track suits, which might answer for your otherwise inexcusable self-abuse.  Surely, without a belt or zipper to tangle with, you’re tempted to go over-the-top (“It’s like turning on a switch”-Sly Stallone). 

That said, I would hope that you consider some of my points carefully. It isn't too late to "look to the gate," to understand how man and nature have so beautifully conspired to help us on our way.

Stop being terrible people.

-Will