On Friday and Saturday afternoons I got away from the computer for a while, and it was fantastic.
I once read a Dean Koontz novel that featured people who became one with their machines. Their faces actually melded with the monitors, and the whole thing was powered by the beating of their hearts. It was pretty creepy, and I worry it’ll someday happen to me.
Steve was in the area on Friday, so I met him for lunch at Five Guys. I ordered a cheeseburger with tomatoes, lettuce, onions, and green peppers. And that’s what I received, except somebody apparently believes pickle slices are tomatoes. Blecch. Even after I removed the horrible things, I could taste the residue.
Steve came bearing gifts, as usual, and gave me an enormous Magnolia Thunderpussy t-shirt. Very cool. He also received two copies of Beatles Monopoly for Christmas, and gave the extra to the Secrets (I still need to choose new internet names for them). And he allowed me to transfer an assortment of bizarre and obscure microbrews from the trunk of his car to mine, which is always appreciated.
After lunch he was going to run some errands, at Target and places like that. I really needed to get back to my “book,” but hated the thought of face-melding with my computer again. So, I went with him, and we mocked everything as far as the eye could see. Just like we’ve been doing since Nixon was president.
Our last stop of the afternoon was Wegmans, to peruse their outstanding beer selection. There’s always an “expert” on hand to answer your questions, and be of assistance. Oh, this is a high-class operation… I asked if they were ever going to be stocking Fuller’s London Pride, which Toney and I discovered and loved on our England trip.
“Follow me,” our beer steward said, and led us to a shelf containing four six-packs of the stuff. I nearly wept. Each six was priced at $11.99, but I’m an old pro at justifying such things. If you ever need any help on that front, just drop me an email. I can take you from overwhelming guilt, to believing you actually got a deal, in seconds flat.
The next day Toney and I cleaned up the house, which was a freaking disaster area. I finally dealt with the knee-deep mound of crapola I’d transferred from the bunker to the family room, and we whipped the place into shape while guzzling Five O’Clock coffee. It sucked, but I’m glad we did it. I don’t like cleaning, but I like having cleaned.
The older Secret was invited to an “Airsoft war,” and the rest of us went running around and doing this and that. We ended up at Five Guys again, which is fine by me. This time they figured out what a tomato is, which made it much better.
The younger youngling wanted to walk through the flea market, which Toney hates, so we did a real quick lap around that white trash jamboree. A woman was selling large postal envelopes full of uncooked perogies near the front door, which caused me to do a rare triple-take.
A Civil War veteran had a stand filled with old cigarette lighters, campaign buttons, and various advertising trinkets. I like that kind of stuff, so I lingered for a few minutes. And I found a box filled with old fashioned keys, sorta like this one, priced at $3 each.
Who in the hell would pay three bucks for a useless key?! I laughed at the thought, as I rummaged through the box. Then I found one I was oddly attracted to. I held it in my hand, and the thing seemed to have special powers or something. So I bought it.
I can’t explain it… But the old guy nodded knowingly as I handed him the money (WTF?). I’m going to carry it in my pocket, as a good luck charm. Do you have anything like that? Do you keep something with you, to ward off the bad spirits or whatever? Tell us about it, if you do.
At Sam’s I decided I wanted to check my blood pressure, on their machine in the pharmacy. And there was a line! Two people were ahead of me, and it got me all agitated. When it was finally my turn, it registered in the “high normal” category. Toney said it probably would’ve been normal, if I hadn’t gotten so worked-up about the crowd.
But seriously, it was a blood pressure machine, not the Good Humor man. It still bothers me.
After Sam’s we went to Lowe’s, where we looked at bathroom stuff. We’re toying with the idea of remodeling our upstairs crapatorium, and are in the pricing stage — which can last for upwards of a year.
We saw a toilet with two buttons on top of the tank, instead of a regular flush handle. One is for “solids,” and the other is for “liquids.” Apparently it’s to help save water, or somesuch.
This, of course, kicked off a lengthy discussion. “What about diarrhea?” I asked. “Would that be considered liquid, or solid?” “Yeah, and vomit!” Toney offered. “It’s usually liquidy, but thick.” Can you see why we’re a perfect match?
But the younger Secret had the best line. He brought up the oldest translucent, and how Eninen had to use a soup spoon (or whatever) to pry the granite-like turds from him. “He’d need one with a third button, marked ‘rock solid.'”
He kills me. I have a feeling he’ll be taking over the Surf Report, once my heart says fukkit.
On Saturday we got caught up on LOST and Friday Night Lights, and that’s pretty much the highlight of our weekend away from computers.
What did you guys do? Anything exciting? Tell us about it in the comments.
As promised, I added a metric shitload of Smoking Fish pics on Sunday. You can see them here, and here, and here. Keep ’em coming, folks! Our logo, man, he gets around.
Also, I’m going to keep linking to mockable dot org, until there’s a revolt. So, let me know when it’s starting to get on your nerves, and I might start thinking about knocking it off.
I’ll have more of this stuff tomorrow.
See ya then!
This weekend the other half and I shopped for flooring. And painted the ceiling in the guestroom. Exciting suburbanite stuff.
As for a talisman, I have this (in silver):
It does shit for my acid reflux, but it sure the hell gets a conversation going.
When I lived in Erie PA, I had the best distubutor ever! They would order any Brit beer I wanted and sell it for dirt over cost! London Pride was a mainstay, always.
Here is life in my neck of the woods this weekend, great day, great race!
Hello to all in PA, I miss the snow……
other kristin says
IN an oddly parallel weekend, I went on an overnight road trip to Ithaca with the fam and LEFT MY LAPTOP AT HOME. ON PURPOSE.
That is SO not like me, but I felt the need to consciously disengage and if I brought it with me I would have been on it in the hotel room after the concert and in the wee morning hours before the rst fo the family awoke.
AND I had lunch at 5 GUYS, here in Rochester. It was the first time for me and I loved their burgers and the cajun fries. I watched a guy sit down and FILL a brown bag (the large size) with their free peanuts while he waited for his burger. The fill another of those cardboard trays with peanuts. He didn’t even eat one. Then he fussed with his burger, took MORE peanuts and left. This really perturbed me for some reason.
And I found a new beer at the Wegman’s BeersOfTheWorldEmporium. A nice “Spring Fling Ale” from BLue Point brewery on Long Island,
A pretty good weekend – no home improvement forays here, although we need to replace the wax seal on our upstairs commode.
Ha! The white trash jamboree! At my house we just call it the dirt mall. You’re so fancy, Jeff
So, no good luck charms here, but I was recently thinking about adopting one as my luck tends to be cruddy.
Oh, and I spent my weekend telepathically arguing with my husband. I’m pretty sure that he thought we were arguing out loud, but he was just getting the tip of the iceberg.
Carrying one of my pubic hairs in your left shoe is said to be very lucky.
Meltor the Magnificient says
Long time reader first time poster,
You seem a couple of years younger but grew up across the toll bridge from me, so the following thought might be of interest.
Given your love of film, have you considered Willard and Ben as screen names for the elder and younger secrets?
@ o kristen – the 5 Guys in Houston had a sign requesting that you not take peanuts from the premises. Something about people with peanut allergies, although I don’t know why you would take peanuts if you were allergic. Maybe he was a terrorist?
Good Americans, be aware, there are goddamn peanut terrorist amoung us. Watch ’em – all of them.
Hi everyone once again from Siberia, where I awoke this morning at 6:45 am to walk to work, through the snow, in order to watch a live feed of my beloved Tar Heels winning the NCAA tournament (last night there, early am here). All is well with the world, 89-72.
I am not superstitious but I save a lot of shit – somewhere in my attic there is a love note from a 3rd grade gal (her name was Toni Sincere, no kidding – born with a porn star name before there was such a thing!).
I save a lot of ticket stubs from shows, too – have them up on my bulletin board in my own bunker. Good times.
The 2-size toilet flush came out of Japan many years ago. Last time I was there my hotel room toilet had the two flushes, plus a strange Return of the Jedi spout that emerged from under the seat, squirted warm water all over uranus, then retracted again.
In public ladies toilets in Japan, the commode sometimes makes loud noises of chirping birds and crashing waves, cos Japanese women don’t like to hear the sounds of pee and poop (I’m not making this up).
Only two more weeks of this winter shit and I’m headed home – not soon enough.
other kristin says
@ashton – you’re right, there was a HUGE sign saying do not take the peanuts.
The guy probably had 3 pounds’ worth
If you like London Pride you should seek out some Bishops Finger
Shiny Rod says
Somehow, I don’t want to know where the Bishops Finger has been… A bit hoppy with fruity hints of Nun and a slight citrusy finish of Alter Boy, but not overpowering.
Oh Shiny! Tee-Hee.
I offer this with nothing but love in my heart and hope for your success, but the writing at mockable is…labored? You can see the joke coming from a mile away unlike,
“A woman was selling large postal envelopes full of uncooked perogies near the front door, which caused me to do a rare triple-take.”
which is fresh and delightful.
Why not some names from the Big Red Machine for the secrets? Sparky and Johnny.
@Jason – So, do I need an appointment to harvest these lucky pubes you speak of?
NDfaninAZ– Check yr Chef Boy ar dee. 🙂
I’ll mail them with the same caveat that Tyrosine put on his keys. You pay shipping and if the folks at the post office think they’re WMDs you’re on your own.